well this post is basically in response to dear jenks. monday nite the girl ,KT,i have been dating for the past month and i ended it. well it was over thursday nite when i went out with my buddy jeff drinking, and we hung out with one of our buddies who bartends in rvc at monahagns. good guy from nova scotia, the bartender. and well we got plastered. too many yukon jack, and crown shots (gotta love canadiens). well one of my friends from buffalo came down for the bills jets game with his cousin and well the girl and i didn't speak all weekend. i kinda knew. i was just trying to see if things would work themselves out. i am too quick to dismiss. its bad. so i was trying something new. trying to grow a bit with this person, as cheesy as that sounds. i figure my last relationship, well it started with the heat of thousand suns. and look where it ended up. well thats the second part of this post. but back to this part. a few weeks ago, i didn't return a call in the "appropriate" amount of time, well according to her. so the next day, i was chastised about how it was rude, and" i called you yesterday, and you didn't call me back". yet KT knew i was to be out east. mind you this was after going on 3 dates and talking on the phone for a couple weeks. i got the whole "even my friends don't think its right" and "i don't want to waste my time, im looking for a boyfriend" now i am more inclined to relationships.thats just how i am. but this was fuckin annoying. thing was i was trying to keep the physical aspec at a slower pace, because a lot of times, well that can muddle the water, things that may be clear, well you can't see so well anymore. well after the first late call incident, we hung out a couple times, at my place, but i just wasnt feeling it i guess. i mean there was no desire to make the call this weekend while out having fun, using the soft voie saying "hey! whats up. what are you doing? im at the game, and just wanted to call and say hi." yeah you know what i am talking about. well it wasnt there. so then i knew. well i called monday to apologize for not speaking this weekend, and i got a bit of a bitchy attitude on the phone. which i could understand. i apologized and KT said she didn't think it was going to work, and i said i agreed. well then, i said take care and good nite. took all of 2 min. i felt bad, and still do, but i don't know if its cause i think she liked me a bit more than i liked her, or maybe because it was nice spending time with her. i did like her, and enjoyed her company. but there was no desire. i didn't want to go out and get drunk and dance with her. make her breakfast. read the sunday times with my head in her lap. go see the tree in the city with her. maybe im sad cause i could have spent time with her and now i can't. but honestly its more of a relief. i mean friday nite i went out and had a blast. i have not been out in a while, trying to behave. didn't bother me that we didn't speak. its funny how things work i guess. now tot the second party.
drum roll.......the ex.

we have not spoke since last weekend in august. i did something stupid and since then, well she texted me the frst day of my new job good luck, and that was it. i had responded and asked to go to dinner that week, and i got nothing back. so that was it. well anyone i told about what i did (the stupid thing) they said i was an ass, and i agree, however, it was not such an egregious act that should lead to us not talking or seeing each other when things were starting to go well. so, that being said. monday after i spoke with KT i decide to check my emai. and there in the in box it sat. the subject....... a simple............. hi. unfucking real. i mean seriously. she apologized for writing out of the blue, and says she really hates not talking to me. but she understands why it has to be. (oh yeah so why email me) and she wanted me to know that she has been thinking about me a lot, and hopes i am well. now most will say she is saying that she hopes you are doing well, the holidays are here and well its natural. well she is not one to just send little letters, or emails, or make phone calls. so now, it seems with the holiday "schedule" i am probably going to run into her. i just can't seem to get away from it. it drives me crazy. i mean yeah i think of her, probably everyday. its not all consuming, but there are fleeting moments during the day where i daydream, or i get a feeling in my stomach, my chest. i know what it is, and why its there. but i am also trying to cross that bridge, not because i want to forget about her, or not be with her. because she sill not let it happen. its tiring, and annoying. yet if things would work, on her end, i cannot say i would not take her back. i would. when you have that feeling i guess. i don't know. and its not like i don't go out with other people. i do. and i like other people. ah who knows. it does create sadness and melancholy, but not in a negative way. i am full of happiness now suprisingly. i love my job, and i finally see things going in a great direction. i would say i have a ways to go before i get to certain points, but i love waking up and going to work, and i enjoy things more. i got rid of some people who were detrimental to my whole well being. and i just concentrate on myself. while of course being mindful of others. you know what does annoy me, i wrote this post tuesday and for some f'd up reason i cannot post things sometimes. i get a bad request note and the screen is white. ah hopefully this one works. yeah i would want her back. and part of me thinks it will happen. but until then if ever, i am going to do my thing.