tender is my heart,
it is something that I have always known
and i am proud of that.

i miss being able to be tender,
the physical intimacy of tenderness,
the emotional honesty of vulnerability.

i daydream of the little things, the secret smiles
the silent whispers between closed lips and searching eyes
sighing when rolling over during naps, wiggiling into arms, pressing
bodies fitting like puzzle pieces

"sweetie would you like some water?"
sharing the glass, placing it on the nite stand and reaching up
for arms to hold, lips to kiss, pulling the down into the bed

stroking arms while watching movies
roomates coming home on a friday, or saturday night drunk
"Hey, what are you guys doing? You should have heard the band!
You should see who she hooked up with! What movie are you guys watching? I heard that was great, you know what else you two should see?!"
while we lay groggy on couches, or floors bathed
in the flickiering light of rented movies dancing across
television screens.

How i do miss being tender.
i often wonder when i will be able find this again.
I do miss being tender

i went to the mall today to do a little shopping. i really hate going to the mall, because i am so task oriented when it comes to shopping. i go in for what i want, get it an leave. though i do have a problem when it comes to deciding on some clothes. i tend to feel the fabric, the texture. that seems to be most important to me. its funny to because i had read a horoscope reading that taurus' are like that. i would like to state a disclaimer that i do not run my life according to Ms Cleo, but sometimes i do find some similarities. anyways. i bought an awesome pair of summer weight chinos, and a sweet green polo with horizontal thin stripes. yeah it will look good. i also ordered a pair of cotton/ irish linen blend pants from jcrew on the red bat phone in the store. this really cute girl claire helped me out. red head with freckles. damn the irish girls. i dug out all of my summer clothes and now i have to wash them before putting them in my drawers and hanging them in my closet. i havent been shopping in a while. i would like to get some new sneakers, and a few more pair of flip flops. basically if you seem me during the summer, i have flip flops on. it was a big joke last year while at work in the office. though we could wear jeans and polos, we had to wear shoes. though a lot of the time i pushed the envelope with my flip flops, if one of the owners was to visit i would have my shoes on. and then at 6, when getting into my car, i would take off the evil shoes, and slip into my 3 dollar pair that i bought at the Ocean Chemist in long beach. i actually have to get a few of those pair. they rock. i got a nice pair too, but the cheap ones are great to wear to the bars. this has been a really random post. how about those gas prices!!!! gotta love it. well thats all for today people. oh yeah, GO SABRES

last weekend my sister came up to visit for easter. she was here from thursday nite through monday afternoon. it was really good to see her, we made dinner on sunday and my buddy mickey came over. his family being in ireland, he had a few invites, but chose to hang out with us. it was really a fun day. a few bottles of wine, fresh guacamole, salsa, chips, beers, veggie platter, all homemade. well not the beer and the wine. i even cooked a ham. we also had steamed asparagus, and then my fav, potaoes boiled, and then put in the fridge, i cut them up, put olive oil on them, rosemary, and fresh squeezed lemon juice, and then BAM into the oven. dinner was a hit i must say. the past two weekends have been kind crazy and involving my ex to a certain extent. ok. so i am trying to get past it, and to some extent it is working. on good friday this U2 cover band played the inn and my sis and i went with a couple friends (brian and megan) they are dating. cool. so we go to the inn and meet up with megan's friends meg and caitlin. well brian says, don't even waste your time with caitlin she has a boyfriend, meg is single, and really cool. ok. so there is flirting going on, and it was actually fun. i was not really conscious of where i was, cause we just hit it off. well while i was chatting up ms meg, my sister had seen that kerri had seen us flriting while she was walking towards us and then turned and walked away. a while later, kerri and her roomate came walking down the balcony area we were in and she was bombed. plastered. she walked right by me without even saying a word. now the actual situation was crazy, there was no reason for her to walk by unless it was just to walk by me. yes i was kinda happy it happened. actually really happy. for the longest time i allowed her to act as she pleased towards me. i had just recently written her a letter, the one i spoke of a while back, but never sent it. so i go about my week, and thursday i went to the inn to have a drink with mickey (he's one of the bartenders) and he informed me that he had gotten into an argument with kerri that evening. i asked if she was drunk and he said he was not sure. so after he told me about the arument i knew she was, because it made no sense. they had been talking about why he broke up with his ex, and that kerri's roomate had a crush on him. well he let that go, and then kerri made a comment that i had wanted us, the 4 of us to go to dinner when we were dating. honestly, i never said that, and i was brought up by her a couple of other times. then she says that mickey makes her second guess herself and that it is rude. of course i get all of this as soon as i get to the bar. the next morning, friday, i get up for work, and my friend julie decides to send me a pic of kerri and i from the mets game last may. in the email it says "here is a pic of you and your ex. don't mean to bum you out, but i thought you might want this. you two always looked so good together." this coming after we talked and she makes the comment that she liked kerri and it is a shame cause she is really beautiful. so that is the semi drama with kerri. on another note, one of my buddies ended up hooking up with one of our friends. now this might not seem interesting or relavent to any of you, but the story is great. ok, so i am out with my friend M. she is a cool chic. really hot, but we's just friends. thats it. one of her friends comes out with all of the people she works with and they have been partying it up pretty good. M and i are just sitting haveing a drink and chatting. her friend joins us and i leave after awhile. her friend being extremely attractive as well. stop and say hi to my buddy on my way home. well the next day said friend calls me up and says i need to talk to you. never a good thing. so i meet him at his other job, the outback, and he lays it on me. i selpt with M. i almost choked on my clam chowder. Now, M is his roomate. so the story goes, he gets home from working at this bar, and M, and her friend are smashed. one of the two girls suggests playing strip poker. so bam, he is playing strip poker with two girls. of course i miss this stuff. well one thing leads to another and then voila, he hooks up with his roomate. i don't know, its a great story. M and I talked about it on friday nite. crazy crazy. i guess its also a lot better if you actually know the people, that lends to the crazyness of the situation. saturday i went to a beer tasting party in brooklyn, the Brazen Head on atlantic ave. it was a pretty good time. we ended up playing the board game operation, so i tried to send jenks a pic text. didn't work so well. hahaha. i like the new look of the site. its spruced up just in time for spring. this weekend is my buddies bachelor party in Atlantic City, of which i cannot attend. too much freakin money. its gonna cost almost 400 dollars, and that before going out, and all of that. just can't swing it right now. i got a repair bill for my watch in the mail, 380 dollars to get fixed. nuts. plus rent is due, and the deliveries have been slow. yeah also not sure what to do on the job front. i might have a gig driving people out to the hamptons from the airports. 200 bucks a trip. apparently people offer you jobs too. my buddies dad has runs a car service. its kind of a 2nd career for him. he is retired. im close with the fam, so we will see. i am just not sure what i want to do, and my birthday is coming up, gonna be 30....actually OUR birthday is coming up, yeah its crazy, jenks and i share a b-day. never knew anyone with the same day. cool shit. well of course it is, two cool people, on a cool day in may. hip hop hooray!!! im out, gotta get some zzzzzzzzzz

spring is here!! yeah!! so happy. we had sunday funday yesterday while watching the masters tournament. i love golf on sundays. it reminds me of my pop (my mom's dad) he would watch golf every sunday while waiting for dinner at my house when i was little. so anyways. picked my roomate up from LaGuardia, then went to lunch at the inn. while we were there a whole group of people rolled in some wearing wigs, others sans wigs, and they were having a mini pub crawl, then off to play kick ball. i love long beach in the spring and summer. winter and fall are nice as well. but right now the flush and energy of spring have filled the air!!!!! i got to see my god daughter and her brother this weekend!! they are so cute. so big!!! i will post pics of them when i get the motivation. my sister is coming up for easter, and we are going to see unforgettable fire, a u2 cover band that is awesome!! we will be drinking copious amounts of booze and rocking out!!

bridges, i've always loved bridges
looking at the arches, cables
the way that they cross rivers,
gullys, whatever they do cross
i've never really been afraid of bridges

seems i've come to one that scares me.
nope not goin over this one.
this bridge, well it means leavin one side behind,
of course, thats what you do when you cross
a bridge, you leave one side for the other

i don't quite know how to get movin.
i still like being on this side, or the edge of
the banks of this side.
i know this side, its nice here.
well it was nice here.
now, its kinda foreign.
i'm all awkward, not myself,
i force a smile, when i really want to
beam from ear to ear, a big grin,
i want to laugh, laugh out loud
i want to talk incessantly,
talk of what i am thinking about, what i am
interested in.
talk like the nite i talked about my little black
notebook, with the graph paper, and the secret
accordian storage pouch in the back cover.

i stand on these banks, at the edge of the bridge
and i look back, back into the gardens,
the woods, the beaches that used to be mine to walk
through, to loll around in, to lay and to sleep
gently.
to smile and laugh, and make love in.
i want to run back to them, you know,
the way a little kid runs, runs so hard
almost like he doesn't know where is running to,
but that he has to run hard to get there.
hair blowing back, fists clenched and arms
pumping away.
feet pounding the ground with ferocity.

i wonder, should i shout?
should i yell back and see who comes to answer?
what if no one does, would that make me leave?

it's not that the other side is not beautiful, i'm sure
it is.
but i just saw so much here, so much potential,
a future.
children, and big green lawns to play in
on summer days
so much love, so many smiles,
i have never really payed much attention to smiles
really i havent, but now, i value them.
i do.
they are the simplest thing, yet so powerful

i seem to start to cross the bridge, get half way
and stop, turn around and come back.
bridges never really scared me before.
this one does.