It's been just over 5 years since Machiko and I ended things. Today was her birthday, and popping on FB to send her a small note turned into a far more emotional event than such a simple gesture should beget.

Each new encounter makes me feel increasingly unable to connect. Five years, a quarter of my adult life, of being alone. Amanda was someone I loved, but as much as I resisted it I still held back because inside I knew that her little Quinn was a piece that I couldn't appreciate as much as she deserved. The growing together, exploring and challenging...I associate these with being human, and this deprivation is taking its toll.

I believe I did the right thing with Machiko. I loved her with all my heart, and still do, but I knew she would always believe that we could have a child, and I could not deny something that I knew she could achieve and thrive at. The justification for this helped me through the wretched emotions I dealt with afterwards.

But less and less do I find myself truly relating to what is happening. A disconnection with reality is something of a fear of mine, and for it to take hold of such a part of my life only amplifies its power over me.

Michaelene recently became both engaged and available to expand our friendship, which was a pretty wonderful potential to realize. Yet with all of this the barriers remain, and my understanding diminishes.

I've always been a relatively independent person, but this is not an intentional extension of that trait. There is something about waking up next to someone and saying 'what should we do today' that dramatically changes my attitude over time, in a way I very much relish. The path out of this is wholly obfuscated.

The one change I've thought of is that I need a roommate on my next move, perhaps even trying to break my lease and expedite this shift. Little things like just hanging out in the afternoon during some generally monotonous activity have a noticeable effect on my state of mind. It seems obvious that there is more that can be done but I find myself at a place of ignorance and apathy; a thoroughly suffocating combination.

I need some help, to the point that I'm not even sure what kind of help to seek. Or perhaps I just need to rant to help diminish this paralysis. I've been able to ignore this much better as of late, but I think this medium might be a good way to get this out and hopefully limit the internal distractions.

Have a good night peeps. I'm glad I stumbled into this place in the world.