i love our ancestors an immense amount. i know we have incredible wisdom that came from all their experiences.

yet i have no idea why on earth any of our ancesters would have ever decided to move to an icebox. it seems near impossible that (relatively) hairless mammals would have evolved in such a cold climate. so, the nomadic peoples MUST have come here and to other cold places. but i can't understand why. i guess there must have been more food, but the earth was not yet full enough of humans to make this necessary.

actually, when the europeans came over, why didn't they all just move to the south? most of the old school colonies were in the north. it really baffles me.

it's 7 degrees right now. feels like -9. that is way, way colder than anyone keeps their freezers. i'd stay inside if i could.

i made it through what has been the most challenging day of work i've every had.

i gave a sermon yesterday at the unitarian church in jamestown. i talked about my time in new orleans and all the beauty i found there. i don't think it's something that people have heard before. people have only heard the bad things and about the destruction. i spoke more of the work i did there at the soup kitchen and the feeling that we were rising above the ruin. it's true, there was so much love there, it's difficult to put in words.

but wow, i was SO nervous beforehand. i really haven't done too much public speaking, but i knowi'm not nervous about it if i have something that i have perfectly written out and i can just read it. but since i haven't had a computer for a while, i didn't write it all out. that may have been a bit silly for me and caused me unnecessary worry, but even if i had a computer, i really didn't want read everything from a piece of paper. i wanted my message to be a little more personal and heartfelt and i intentionally left some stories to tell off the top of my head because i figured i would use my own words and be given a chance to look around at people while doing it.

nervousness. i practiced in the car on the way to church with my mom, and i started crying at least 5 different times. i am so glad i did this because i made it through my sermon without crying. (i did cry during some of the hymns, though. one of them, which is actually my favorite UU hymn, was so perfect that i couldn't sing it at all because i was crying too much. the words are at the bottom of this post.)

well, even though i messed up once, it went wonderfully. it did come out as heartfelt (according to all the people at church). and i will admit that it gave me a huge rush. i enjoyed giving my message of peace and love and knowing that people got to hear my positive words does make me smile.

one super straight laced guy in his 70's came up to me afterwards and said, "that sounds just like a rainbow gathering--have you ever heard of those?" yes, i assured him, most of us there are rainbow family hippies. i was surprised that he himself had attended three gatherings! you never know about people.


here are the first three verses of my favorite hymn, called "We'll Build a Land" the music for this song is really upbeat, daring you to take action.

we'll build a land, where we bind up the broken,
we'll build a land where the captives go free,
where the oil of gladness dissolves all mourning,
we'll build a promised land that can be...

(chorus) come build a land where sisters and brothers, annointed by god, can then create peace, where justice can roll down like waters, and peace like an ever-flowing stream.

we'll build a land where we bring the good tidings
to all the afflicted and all those who mourn
and we'll give them garlands instead of ashes
oh, we'll build a land where peace is born

we'll build a land building up ancient cities
raising up devastations of old
restoring ruins of generations
oh, we'll build a land of people so bold

since i'm going back to school, i guess i need a computer, right? is it even possible to be a student these days without having a computer?

i remember that i even brought one to school when i went the first time. it was an 80/86. i don't know what that means, but even in 1993, everyone laughed at it saying that it was really old. maybe that means it was made in 1980 or something. i used that computer for four years and only really learned how to use a mouse after college.

so does anyone have any advice on how to find a used computer to buy? or is this sketchy and should i only think about getting a new one? if so, is there anything wrong with getting the cheapest one out there? i don't need anything fancy.

here is the grossest picture of me ever taken.



i was making jack-o-lantern mouth faces while i was trying to see if my nose really is that crooked.

i look like i'm in a lot of pain. how sad. but how fun to have a camera to play with!

i was told that i made a mistake in posting what i had previously posted about my experience at the new year's party.

i appologize that i was careless and would never, ever want to hurt anyone.

in order to not offend anyone, i have censored my journal entry.

at the party, ALL I COULD DO WAS MEDITATE. i had little desire to join the rest of the party, i just wanted to be quiet and peaceful and enjoy meditating. (although i did enjoy when people came in a couple times to visit for a bit.) it was so peaceful. it was really intense to sit in a room completely still and alone while people all around were enjoying a party. it was enjoyable to me, even if it doesn't necesarily sound it.

but then i realized that i did want to go to a party. and i decided that it was pretty fun.

i realized that there are a lot of drugs in buffalo: yesterday, i went to visit my neighbor and he described all the drugs he did on new years: lsd, k, pot, and various pills that i didn't know. when he was describing his experience of being in a "k hole" i realized that i never want to be that messed up in my life. and i am sure that i never will be.

definitely.

i got up super early this morning to go to the world peace meditation at the unity church on delaware.

it was the nicest service i've ever been to that was inside a church. this meditation is done all throughout the world at noon greenwich mean time on december 31 every year. it started 20 years ago, in 1986, the international year of peace.

it was a touching service, consisting of members of the church coming up to the front to read peaceful words that are meaningful to them. people read from a number of traditions, including rabbi harold kushner, psalms from the bible, a hindu swami, and the peace document from the unity church itself. there was a lot of emotion because people had chosen the readings themselves, especially from the blind woman who found her readings on the internet and read them from a braille page.

then we lit candles for each of the seven major religions of the world. (according to them, they are Islam, Judiasm, Christianity/B'hai, native american traditions, buddhism, hinduism, and daoism) people read a paragraph of how each of those religions defines peace as each candle was lit.

finally, we read the world peace meditation together. exactly as the sun rose (7:43), we read these words:

I now open my heart.
and let the pure essence of unconditional love pour out.
i see it as a golden light radiating from the center of my being.
and i feel its divine vibrations in and through me, above and below me.

i am so glad that i happened to drive by the unity church the other day and read "world peace meditation, 7am." this was a wonderful experience to have on the last day of 2006.

I celebrated christmas for the third time today.

today the invitees were:
bridget, my roommate
sabrina, roommate's sister
chuck, sabrina's boyfriend
ray, bridget & sabrina's schizophrenic father
hannah, bridget's 5-week old daughter
me

it turned out that all the left over presents that had been presented to me by the universe had a chance to be given out today. I couldn't find the duct tape that I had been using to wrap presents, so I hid the presents under a blanket <poof!> and we played "grap a gift." chuck chose the box of toothbrush, toothpase, floss, and chapstick, saying that he really could use all of those things. bridget unwrapped the 2007 calendar that I got for her a couple months ago. sabrina grabbed a clock that had a place for a photograph, of which bridget had many of hannah that she just had taken. everyone was surprised that there still was another present left for ray, seeing as I never could have imagened that he would come over. (I've known bridget for 13 years but have never yet met ray.) ray got a flashlight and was really happy with it.

I had never spent as much time with a schizophrenic person as I did today. it really seemed like he was on acid from how he talked and how many times he repeated the things he found interesting. i could tell that he really liked me, but luckily kept a respectful distance but did ask me interesting questions the times that i did talke with him.
eventually, ray and his girlfriend made up so I gave him a ride home. he was so pleased to get the flashlight gift that he gave me a gift, too (grab in the bag to get it, oda!) and he gave me 2 packs of guitar strings. turns out that I just got a guitar for christmas...

i took my first exam today, getting an a-. i'm taking developmental psychology at ecc for their winter session, which lasts only 2 weeks. i read the whole textbook and take eight exams over the two weeks.

i thought i was going to have to take the bus to orchard park every day, spending at least 4 hours travelling a day, but it turns out that this is an online course, which really means that you can skip class every day. i personally enjoy going to class; that's where i learn the most, but i am glad to not have to waste all that time on the bus.

this is working out perfectly.

as i was walking out to sit on the steps outside to have a cigarette, i was thinking how i always avoid the numbers 2 and 4, especially 4 and that i probably should make peace with the number 4.

i sat down, unintentionally, or intentionally, as the universe always is, on the fourth step. it was particularly comfortable, had a better view of the tree than the others around it and i did enjoy sitting there.

but i just don't have that many positive associations about the number 4.

so i was thinking about the associations i have with the other numbers,
number 1 is the power and strength of one
number 2 is a pair (which i sometimes tend to avoid, but know also that it can be nice)
number 3 is body mind soul
number 5 is smiles and freedom
number 6 has a lot of power. i don't know that i fully understand the significance of 6, but i don't feel negative about it
number 7 is a lucky number
number 8 is infinity
number 9 is three times three, triple trinity--who can't win! and some people i like a lot really love nine and have it as their favorite number.

my favorite number has always been three

late last night, i was sitting around counting my blessings and was planning to go to bed soon.

my neighbor came over and was in the mood to talk. conversations got heavy.

"how long does it take to get over the loss of someone you were really close to, oda?"
"5 years." i saw how painful that answer was, '5 more years of this suffering...,' feeling defeated, not knowing how to continue. "but the first year is definitely the hardest. by far."

i lost my sister on october 15, 2000. her name was leyla marin or sheila keating. she used both throughout her life.

it is so hard to lose someone you are truly close with, a person you share with most every day of your life and have done so for decades.

but the pain goes away, maybe not completely 100%, but pretty close. and that void is filled up by strength. then we can count our blessings, because every person who honestly means that much to you IS you. inside you. even now, i still discover ways that my sister is part of who i am, and that does make her alive .

thank you sister...
i love you