My father had two back to back surgeries for his renal dialysis procedures to fix some complications with his treatment. He has been in the hospital for 3 days and came home yesterday. I love my family, but sometimes they are very inconsiderate.
I had plans with my mom to help fit my best friend for the wedding she is the maid of honor in in a few weeks. We had this planed and my father who had just come home knew about it too! No problems.
I have a whole bunch of work to get caught up on right after I finished this big project for this Thursday. I am making sure I haven't forgotten anything. Grades. Correcting papers. Lesson plans. Demonstrations for class to explain each step with them for the harder projects... etc...
It is an hour before my best friend is to come over. She calls to double check the time and that my dad is OK with visitors. Yes, everything is a go. I'll see her at PM. I keep working figuring, who cares if my best friend sees me unshowered and in my sweats. I had work to do. So instead of taking a shower I worked and helped my dad. Mom had to go to Tops and Wegman's an errand for dad and prescriptions to be filled, as he needed pain medications immediately! So mom went to make sure that dad would get his meds on time and stay as comfortable as can be expected after surgery.
The phone rings, it is my downstairs neighbor to tell us "We are having company. My uncle and his girlfriend are coming over now." I'm like OK. So I started straightening up the living room and loOKing for the stuff to make coffee. It is true I do not drink lots of coffee and it is my parents house therefore I wasn't sure where everything was and how any scoops to make, etc...
It's four o'clock and there is a knock at the door, it's my best friend. Accidentally she was told by my Uncle to park in my drive which is currently rented out to my other neighbor. I apologized and told her to park in my mom's spot and mom will park in front of the house. So she did and came back upstairs. We all chatted a moment and I asked her if she wanted tea or water or something else we might have. She wanted water and we went into the kitchen. Partly to let my dad relax and so that I could continue the coffee quest.
Then my Uncle and his girlfriend came up without taking off their shoes, as my parents just got new carpeting laid. They commented on it, but did not take their shoes off - how rude! I just made a sign, maybe that will help! I didn't say anything because dad was talking. I went back to making coffee and entertaining my best friend who I don't see that often. We were talking. My Uncle's girlfriend came in to make the coffee and was totally rude and condescending to my friend. I think was mostly in shock and then without any notice... there is another knock at the door, it's my cousin and a friend. No warning what so ever that they were coming. I'm like ok. NOW what. Feeling highly frustrated and irritated I went back to what I was doing finding coffee and making it for the guests, which left me out of the running and my throat is sore. Anyway, I spend time with my friend in another room waiting for my mom to get back to try the dress on and see if there are any needed alterations.
I was showing her the work that I was doing with my students and the big project, we were slightly disgusted with the way the conversation was headed and were trying to not pay attention. My Uncle's girlfriend is nice, but I think she is starting to show her true colors. Always asking really personal questions, passing judgement and always giving her opinion - as if anyone really cared.
When mom came home I helped her carry in the groceries and unpack them, we (my best friend, mom and I ) chatted in the kitchen for a bit and then went to try the dress on and work on what she came to do. We did walking through their conversation to get to the bathroom where there is a large mirror and my mom's bedroom to work on the alterations. They of course had to make comments. I am like this is unbelievable! I was getting passed my patience. We visited with the doors closed because my friend was taking her cloths on and off to try and retry the dress on to make sure everything fit just right! Very important for the occasion! They left while we were in mom's room. Thank fully.
Then my dad asked me why I didn't say hi to my cousin. I'm like he doesn't know how to walk up to me and introduce me to his friend so that I could also introduce him to my friend. Why do I always have to play hostess with the mostess? They came unannounced, with more people than planned. They couldn't take off their shoes when they noticed that everyone else - like my company - had theirs off. They gave dad the third degree and did they realize this would take a toll on my dad - NO!
So I went back to my company and the fitting and we visited for a little while. I invited my best friend for dinner, but she had dinner waiting at home. WE thought maybe go to the show next week, just to relax and hang out.
Dad asked me why she didn't stay I told him. He was really tired and in lots of pain. He just didn't want anyone else to see it. He let his guard down when everyone left and told mom and I how he was doing. We ate dinner. Watched TV. I helped him with his meds.
Later we had another guest, a friend of my dad's who he really wanted to see. He visited for a short while then left. We had snacks so that dad could take his pain pills. Watched more TV and tried to make dad comfortable. Which was hard to do, since he is in pain either way. We were there, just in case he needed anything.
I just can't believe my family...

It never fails to take me an hour when I should only have taken five minutes when going on line. Then while I was here I thought, I should post. I have nothing to say. I should go to bed.
The problem is I am a night owl. I love being productive at night. I can function in the day. I prefer being awake at night so I have to force myself to go to sleep. I am a work-a-holic. Teaching hasn't changed my work ethic much. I am in the middle of correcting sketchbooks, as I teach art and I needed a sound break. TV didn't really grab me this evening. Work didn't either. I think I work just to work through my other thoughts, you know the ones that hide on you and then come back to bite you in the butt when you are not looking.
I just had a phone call from a good friend and I know she'd been on my mind for awhile I hadn't realized that it had been 7 months, I should just mail her surprise present! Spontaneous shopping - good therapy bad for my checkbook and my pay my bills on time ethic! Anyways just catching up made me feel human again. Like there is more to life than work... I am a Virgo and we have distinct needs to get the job done and to be the best we can be. Unfortunately this means we are moody, unhappy and just trying to keep up with ourselves. I'm not very proud of this side of my personality.
Every day I have a good day must be because I have remembered to say my morning prayers! Laugh you might, but when I forget to say my morning prayers I pay the consequences...even if it is just one thing - it'll be big! I am not a morning person but can survive getting up early and manage to have some semblance of my usual self after several hours of being awake, kick in the what do I need to get done mode and we are good to go.
Not a very healthy way to function for several months on end with lots of stress. I am just having time to think about the experiences I had in July 2004. I am a little back logged when pondering what lessons I have learned in life, just to keep a pulse on where I am going... Not that Picasso is one of my favorite artist, but he was quoted for saying it is not that children aren't artist, it is the struggle to be an artist after we have grown up... or something to that effect.
I am remembering weird thoughts like, gee I'd like to paint soon! My laundry is still piling up in the basement. Sigh. I am just trying to do something artistic everyday! That will bring about sanity. The strange thought occured to me, will i know when i am sane again? See once you have pushed yourself beyond your envelope, will you recognize what normal - for you - is? See stressed has been part of my daily existence for so long I am unsure as to when I am not stressed. Usually I can tell when I am around other, but I don't much care to be around people right now. Feeling more like checking in with myself and when I had time to be alone I was working. Now that I have time to be alone, and am, I am biting into my sleep time. Which in the long run is a bad idea... and yet just checking in, writing a thought, a moment, part of my day. Makes me feel sane.
There is this long mental check list and as I go through more and more things on the list I begin to feel freer and freer. True, it is all an illusion, but the feeling is there! And Feeling is believing these days.
Dad is going in for a minor procedure tomorrow and I have chosen to go to work. I want all to go well and I will visit him in the hospital, but I need to get my life on some kind of track or rhythm...
Only an half an hour longer than I expected to be... Honest - I'm going to bed!

This morning I took a TV break and watched an Charmed and ER for my daytime drama.
Death a pervasive theme in both shows. I had a good friend on my mom's pass in September. (Happy birthday!) Then another unexpected fast and close friend in October. Which is bad because that is the anniversary of my grandmothers death. Didn't really have time to grieve, but then I realized I have another issue on my plate, i try not to think about.
My father has a terminal disease that could take his life at any moment and he could also live 20 or 30 more years. He could have died a year and half ago. I won't ever be ready for it! My dad and I are very alike. I'm the miniature female version of my dad. We argue a lot! We disagree a lot. I'll never really make him proud, and i don't really know why... but I know I love him! I guess he really loves me too! I watch him have good days and bad days. I watch him slowly losing his independence and know it has got to be killing him. He's rude, obnoxious and mean which hurts but it is all because life is just a gamble right now. There are no certainties, there are no guarantees only the moment you have right now. Some of them are fun, some of them are work, some of them are contentment. Some days I get so mad at him. Then I think how would you be dealing with it? Probably different. :) Or at least I'd like to think so.
There is no advise. There is nothing but life to live. Everyday brings it's highs and lows, it's sadness and happiness. I am grateful he is still here. There are little things that if I were younger it might make more sense to be upset over. There is a little girl still inside of me that wants my daddy to give me away at my wedding. I want him to see my first child being born. I want him there for his grandchildren. I want them to know him and his feisty ways. I want him to help me buy my first house. My first brand new car. My first really great job. I want him to be there to see my accomplishments and to give him the opportunity to be proud of me.
I watched my grandfather, my dad's dad, fight cancer most of my life until his death in the early 90's. It really hit my dad. I'm not his son, but it is something I have to deal with everyday. I check on him when he sleeps, just to see if he's breathing. If he catches me he yells at me thinking I'm a freak and let him alone.
There are constant doctor visits, emergency room visits, hospital visits, pains, aches, procedures, surgeries, blood work, tests, medications and it seems like he didn't get a great deal on his retirement plan this life. He talks about the Golden Years once and a while, I find out something new. A new story from his childhood, something about my grandparents or even my great grandparents, some job i never knew he worked, some place I never knew he had traveled too, sometimes he'll talk about his service to his country - not often, but sometimes. I learn about relative and people I have never met that were in his life and that made a difference for him.
It is hard to make up for lost time. It is hard to balance the anger. It is hard to learn how to be myself around him, because he doesn't have another 50 years for me to get it right. I guess it is just really hard. To be yourself, live each day to the fullest, forgive yourself for all the things you never got to do or had time for, and just enjoy the things you do have.
My mind ventures of to the tune Cat's in the Cradle...

Well after surviving everything my semester has dished at me, I have finally succumbed to another being on of small stature and living inside my body uninvited, a virus. I am officially sick, got it stamped and bonified certified from the authentic primary care physician. I am to do nothing. Sleep. Push my fluids. Take prescripted medicine as directed and do nothing. If anyone knows me, they no that doing nothing is not something I do well for any length of time. I did try to catch up on my lack of sleep for the last three months, but I am not sure it is physically possible to do in one weekend. I am attempting not to push and when I feel the signs I take a nap, lay down, surf the net, stare at the ceiling, wonder if my head will explode if it continues to pound. At some points I just submerge myself into my symptoms. Chills, low grade fever, diarreah, nausea, dry heaves, my eyes feel like sandpaper, my head feels like there is an axe chomping into my skull, my body feels like the Oreint Express hit me at full speed with every joint in my body aching loudly competing for the attention my brain can not fathom, and overall i just feel drunk clutsy, and in sever pain. I think that about covers it.
The only thing I do like is being able to sit and watch movies, although my parents have asserted themselves and I am staying with them at the moment therefore they make sure i eat. I am infamous for neglecting my dietary needs especially when i am sick. I guess i just want to be well enough to do a little bit more than nothing... sick, sick, sick and twisted sister! Although I couldn't handle listening to rock and roll / heavy metal at the moment... even toggling is beginning to hurt my head - oh - look at the time, soon and very soon it's medication time and that means food and magic faery dust and the headache goes away.
I think i am almost done pondering being sick, oh yeah, I got an invite to an artistic performance in my neighborhood walking distance from my house and I was so psyched at 4 am when I read it, then realized I am home sick and I am not going. That was the thing that bummed me out. I should post the event on the calendar though it will be late notice as it starts in like 2 hours.

When I was a child I was always dependable, solid, reliable and always available. I grew up to be one of the only one of my friends to always be there, same place, same time, same neighborhood, same me. I went to college to discovery myself, weird but true, I wanted to know what I was capable of. I began to crave independence like any child who has stayed too long in their parent's abode. I moved out, a story in and of itself for another time. Changes. I began to discovery exactly what I was capable of... I began to travel father from home. My friends moved out of the state. Farther and farther away I began to travel to see loved ones. Then one of my circle of friends had a different vision for me and I traveled through 13 states to get to North Dakota. Granted it was only a month, but it started to boil within me the need to get up and go. I tasted what is was like to find freedom on the wind. Nature called me to her. I craved home. Not the home that was familiar, not the home I knew, not the home I grew up in; but a different home. A home where I did not need a house, running water, heat, things to fill the spaces, but a home within myself to be at home where ever I was. I shed the materialistic part of me, learned to travel light, the hardest lesson was letting go of the idea I needed any of the materialistic things I owed, had, possessed, shared, toOK care of. All I needed was me. Some food, lots of water, a minimal amount of clothes and shelter from harsh elements. I discovered I love to camp.
I may never return to the badlands or the reservation that I had lived on for a month, which felt like an entire lifetime. Drums distantly calling me to dance, to feel, to live, to love, to hurt, to experience. It is not where I learned to pray, it is where I learned that every day was a prayer. Life is a blessing and a gift that becomes unseen once it is unwrapped. You can't hold it, you can't contain it, it is that which you can't see but you feel deep inside yourself.
I returned home. Homesick. At the time to a partner who missed me terribly and spent days making love. Happy. Free. at least it existed in that moment. Then change reared its head again and I buckled down to many jobs, moving, losing my relationship, finishing school, losing some friends, meeting new friends and going home. Thomas Wolf is right you can never go back home. My dad is sick and has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, that in and of itself was enough, but what is my role in all of this... I came home to help, share, spend time with my family. Is there anything else? Really?
Two years ago a friend asked me to take 3 weeks vacation with her and go camping. I did. More stories for another time. In the end I have realized that there is gypsy blood coursing through my veins, the same blood that lives in my dad. This blood that wants to go home, follow the wind, hear nature call and go. My dad for whatever reason left home to sail around the world. He did that younger than I am now, but times were different. My mom is the steady one. It is my dad that has the fire that boiled the blood and encouraged him to move wherever the currents took him.
For the first time in my life I have learned I can sleep just about anywhere, as long as I can clean myself once a week, eat somewhat regularly and be - it will all be ok. That is not where I came from, but then again it is what is within us all that really matters. I now understand something I read about the Australian Aborigines about the Dream time. This state we call waking is only a thought to our real lives where we are who we are and fulfill our quest. This state we call consciousness is really where we lug around only half aware of the magic and music of all things. To dream, to live, to dance and to pray and to be home in our temples.

Christmas break has been a life saver. I have finally slowed down and have managed to do nothing for several days now! I really should go home and get something done. I've been hiding in my parents guest bedroom. It is a good place to hide. Nobody believes that I'd go there to hide. Plain sight kind of hiding.

I was thinking about the last 3 months and all of the changes it has brought to my life. I don't really think I have had time to process what I have lived. Time is really precious. I think I have taken it for granted. Busy is one thing. Simply maniacal is another.

I like change. It is good. I was reading my emails which seriously pile up over the week and a friend from out of state IM'ed me. It is exactly what I needed. That conversation really cheered me up. I feel good, but it is like i waited all day for it.

Silly me. Now that I turned my internal engine off I am having trouble getting it to start again. I think I need to go back to journaling daily with pen and paper. Get the juices flowing. There are so many things I have been putting on hold, developing ideas for projects, stories, new artwork, poems that haven't been written yet, philosophies on life, thoughts I haven't heard, dreams I have forgotten to ponder, feelings I have ignored, things that are really important to me, life lessons, staying organized, shopping, comic books to read, books to discover myself in, music to sing and dance too. I have so much waiting for me to do, things that I love doing, how did I forget to take a break!?

How does one learn to be a workaholic in a healthy lifestyle? If I practiced the answer I would be a millionaire and people would be coming to me for answers. Maybe I should just stick to asking questions. I like questions. I like learning new things. Like what do I want to be when I grow up?

I don't plan on ever growing up. I like being me. I'm not sure of this illusion of becoming a responsible adult. The grass is always greener on the other side. Here is the rest of the story: and when you get to the other side the grass is greener from whence you came. Therefore the moral of the story is all that glitters, glitters and are you smart enough to enjoy your bling bling where you are?

Enjoy each day for the gift it has been given to you, that is my current challenge.

It is a gift that keeps on giving that does no one any good.
How is it when your parents ask something of you, you as the child are not allowed to say no. I guess the real issue is a battle of wills. If I win, I feel terribly guilty for not doing what I was asked to do. Yet, if I given in, depending on the issue will depend on the resentment I have for myself. This here is a delicate balance between self preservation and respect for your elders.
It is not about what is asked, being the real issue. It is typically stating that I would prefer to _______. They state we are or I am and ______. Again filling in the blank isn't the real issue. Instead it is the issue of will. What am I willing to give up in order to do and what am I getting in return. Most of these issues blow over after said errand, or task is completed with or without me. Yet I am still racked with guilt either way. So now I feel like a sod for not going on said errand. I wanted to do something else. Of course the weather is bad and parent insisted on going out in it. The car is not in good condition and the rental has not arrived yet. So the preverbial worrywart is at her station - me. So now i feel the need to worry until she gets back, because what if_____. Then it is all my fault. Yet it is really only a matter of will. Her will led her to decided, and go. My will forced me to stay and wait. Yet I am not doing what I wanted to do while I waited. Maybe the other assumption parents make is that you will do it no matter what you just stated to the opposite.
This Christmas is just never had it's equal. None of us want to do anything. We feel tired and out of sorts. Everyone is grumpy, moody and acting childish. I am no different than the rest of my family. Then as for everyone else who is in a good mood, why do they expect me or the grumpy part of my family to be any different. Hell, last year I was kicked out of the house i was invited to for dinner do to too many people showing up. It made for a shitty Christmas afternoon and evening. I really don't have much energy to celebrate. I don't even want to go to church. Of course that will depend on the car. What is with me? Or everyone around me? Why are we so gloomy?
We have lost one too many family members and the family is shrinking and the times are changing and though change is good sometimes it takes awhile before you can settle into it.

Sometimes life is truly insane. I had a morning planned and now it is noon and I have not gotten to anything on my list, had some unexpected surprises, interesting phone conversation, on a new hunt for my aunt (I think I have an addiction to helping people - this really is a problem. I think I will worry about it tomorrow though because today is simply busier than expected.) Didn't start working on my incomplete class. Didn't manage to get into the shower and still in my PJ's (which is the luxury of being on vacation), Need to revamp some lesson plans, create handouts for next semester, update my grade book, correct papers, Clean my apartment, find out why my tuition has not been paid, figure out how much i owe, plan next months bills, finish making Christmas gifts, do laundry, do my toxic dishes, clean the 7 rooms in my apartment so you can call them clean, all before the inspector comes, visit with friends stopping over, help my dad with his stuff, my neighbor, help him with the fixings for Christmas dinner, help my mom do her stuff, try to put myself back together.
I have told people that my stress level has gotten me to contemplate slitting my wrists. There response is to laugh and say your not serious. Why did I just say it, if I didn't mean it. People kill me. These last three months have had me one step away from sanity and one foot in my grave. No, I don't have 3 kids. (I choose to not have kids at this time in my life.) No, I don't have a husband. (I choose not to add more stress to my life and no one male is truly that insane.) I've heard every excuse why my life isn't as stressful as theirs and to be completely candid: They are right, but also full of shit! It is my life that I am talking about and I am staying sane and alive only because of my belief system. That I choose to put this maniacal schedule into motion and my word that I would do what I said I would do. Therefore I am doing it. Now to speak to the sanity of these choices is to deal more with my emotional state of being. I just finished going to school full time, working a part-time teaching job which is full time but I am getting paid for part-time. Still I kept my routine and struggled through deadlines, miscommunication, people not willing to make compromises, friends who were very self absorbed, losing a long term 10 year friendship, having my father in and out of the hospital, car problems, getting to work and school problems, losing a close friend to a sudden and unexpected death, meetings, choir practice, papers, research,making handouts, grades, correcting papers, work stress and politics, school stress and politics, I'm tired of typing it all out... that is the gist.
SO I have been on this emotional roller coaster and only I have seen the decline in myself. I must pretend really well or people are gutless to talk about real life problems. I have every sign of depression and too stubborn to pay with money I don't have to have a shrink tell me I am sane and need to clear off my plate. See, all this I know, it is in the application of knowledge and self discovery that we create success where defeat looms as the inevitable and heavy shoe to fall. I am almost finished with the ball and chain.
It is just in the loss of self I have been remiss in stating, i miss me most of all and haven't had time for her since July. I know people who have successfully managed to live life without ever missing their relationship with themselves, but again I am an artist not by choice but by birth. I do not have a choice about being an artist, it consumes my soul and begs for expression. Imagine holding that in because you simply did not have time to feel for 3 months? I was on emotional hold and now I am a dam about to burst with no direction and trying to stay relaxed. Like when people witness you staying in your PJ's for three days and watching TV and sleeping, which I feel I have earned without interruption or qualification.
Who are we to judge? Why do so many people want me to know their business? And why do I listen? It is that whole treat people the way you want to be treated thingy. I guess I do it because if I was standing where they were I would hope that someone would listen, help or do something with me or to help me. Guess what? Other people are too busy living their lives to help someone else. This is why I haven't has much Christmas spirit in years. Why I miss my grandparents! and why I have been living on the edge of reason. So Neitche, I have been made stronger, but I stand alone in a room full of people waiting to enjoy the company of one, myself. And almost fearful of how to begin because it is a habit i should have never started - to ignore oneself is self-destruction! The only problem with me being insane is I have the self-awareness to know I am not, but feeling very close to the precipice of insanity willing myself to jump but having a firm conviction in life and making a sorry attempt to live it~!

I have this fairytale perspective that people should follow their hearts. On many occasions it has gotten mine crushed. Never-the-less I still believe, call me a zealot. Either way I have a friend I am mourning the loss over. I have loved him since the first day we realized we had something in common. I have no idea why we stayed friends over the years. But we did. Now, I need to move on and we are incommunicado. There are so many days I think God - he would love to hear about this. My life seems to never go off stage. Always on call, something is always going on and I enjoy the weekends, I enjoy the moments in between when life is quiet and there is nothing keeping me from the movie spree in my living room. Except my best est friend to discuss the details with. It's not just the movies. It is all the things we could talk about, our feelings, our passions, music, life, family, art, people, lessons, work, school, our lives, our dreams, just hearing his voice leaving a message on my machine. I never knew how important he was in my life, now that I think he is gone. It doesn't really matter why we are not talking, it is the fact that we are not talking. Living at opposite ends of the state has something to do with it. I have never has a problem letting my friends go about their business and come back and give me an update. But there was something so final in the last time we said goodbye. Bon Jovi said "Never say goodbye." SIGH I guess I don't really, but I need to close this chapter, because many more are waiting in the wings. There are experiences and life just waiting til I stop being depressed and maniacal. There is the necessary mourning period for any friend that has been close to my heart. For most there is always the possibility of the door reopening. Hey, Mister, the same goes for him too! For some reason I can not fathom this one hurts more deeply than any other that has gone before.
It is true, I am good at making friends, but I think people forget that relationships take energy and we must work for all the things we have in our lives. I hope and pray I never took you for granted, and if I did I have more that repaid my debt with all the pain my heart has endured.
Where do we go from here? (Boys II Men) Can I have another Amen? (Fighting Temptations.) It is a death of sort to close tis chapter with the main character thinking it is all over, not really knowing the whole story but I doubt I'll ever be reading that script.
For Mr. Lee I bequeath a part of my heart always to love you no matter what, because I have tried to squeeze it out, but it refuses to go. As you are not currently not part of my life, I'm letting you go. (Do I really have a choice? Can you take more than one day at a time.... - 28 days) What I wish you is true love and true happiness in every day of your life. I just want to see you happy, even if I never see it with my own eyes. I hope you find what you are looking for. Where ever it is, I hope you find it. I will never forget you. I will always love you. There is always a place in my heart for you.
The thing that leaves me looking over my shoulder for that shadow that just moved... was it real? Did it real exist? Or was it all in my head? Our friendship? I did most of the talking. You did most of the listening. Did I not listen? What did I misunderstand? How did we get here? I guess I was wrong. (Always Wrong never right... I was born in the year of the chicken - Chorus Line) It is kind like when Michael J Fox goes back in time in Back to the Future and he realizes he changed some major time line that if he doesn't fix he will not exist. I guess that is the mourning of emotions I am dealing with. Except add a dash of those great oldies like "White Christmas" where you do it because you love someone. Everything is on the up and up, no Hank panky, just good old fashion respect for each other. You gotta wonder where it goes, when whatever it is we had is gone. Where does that go and how to I caught the next train there...
I love you, Mr. Lee. May the future you choose to bless you with happiness as well as success (because that is a given).
Taking BJ's advise and every old movie I have ever loved and for art sake: Until we meet again...

What do three decades of living really say about any human being? 30. Hm mm. My birthday was a total let down. I didn't expect everyone one I know to just leave me a message at the tone and not get back to me. Of course I am writing about it 3 months later. When I was a little girl, I did not see myself here. Oh yeah I had unattainable goals, but I also had a few realistic dreams. Not that they aren't in the making, it is just they seem to be suspended.
Life keeps on turning, days keeping on moving, nights keep on floating past my subconsciousness. I just found my first paying (not as well as I'd hoped) career. I still have hoops to jump through to finish that career goal. I gave up on a dream, for a moment, to give something else a try. I found something I am good at. I said I'd give teaching 5 years. Maybe I will have learned my lesson.
Money. Could be better, could be worse. Not where I thought I'd be either. I didn't see myself rich, but not quite as poor as I am. I pay my bills. I am responsible. I want to know what extra money a month is like or an allowance that i get to spend any way i want. I want to know what it feels like to see something I want and not have to budget for 3 to 6 months to get it!
Friends. They are out there somewhere. I always had a bunch, but every time I go back to school my social life goes south. Nonexistent-land. Just getting reacquainted with myself after 3 months in HELL. I'm giving that one some time to evolve. (that reminds me I meant to buy Ani's CD)
Love. I thought I had something there for a moment when I was 29 and then it was gone by the time I reached 30. Hurt. I will survive. Somehow we all manage too! Will I do it again? Yeah, in a heart beat. Why do we continue to repeat the same behavior and expect different results every time? Maybe I should change something. I'm not really looking. Haven't had time, but then again the hopeless romantic in me will continue to shine a beacon into the darkness of space and wait a millenia to find its compliment. I believe in fairy tales still - he is out there. I also am a realist, he is human, makes mistakes, and we will balance, compliment each other when we do meet. Hasn't happened yet...
Home. I have one. Right now it looks like I have two hurricanes living as my roommates. Since vacation I have been attempting to create change and order into my apartment. It is slow, but it was neat when my life turned upside down. I am comfortable there. It needs some work. Remodeling is on the schedule with the landlord, so change is in sight. Good or bad we shall find out...
What else is there?
Happiness. There are many things I have learned about happiness. One is it is my responsibility and no one else's to make myself happy. I can allow people to make me feel happy, but only I can make myself happy. I have been a little stressed to the edge of my sanity sort of limit breaking personal evolution sort of experience. So I think one of my new priorities is to figure out what things make me happy and do one of them a day.
Sex. The first thing that comes to mind is a song in the movie A Chorus Line "...me and Paulette, we did it in a graveyard. First time we made love we were not a hit, I thought that this is it, every ones lying. Next time we made love... but then we did it again and I forgot to be scared I guess, cause when we did it again I closed my eyes - surprise. Suprise. Sur-pri-iise. Sweet icicle hot, sweet as a lemon pie, soaring across the sky into the ocean..."
ART - my love, my passion is on hold until i find my sanity, and it is coming to a home theater near me... I am not waiting until it comes out on DVD, I am preordering it to arrive any moment now.
School - almost over. An incomplete to go. 3 seminars. 3 tests. and a few other oddities and I hope paying for my education stops for a while. I will always be a life learner and it is a continual process of growth. When you stop - you die. So I am looking for the educational evolution to grow out of a building and into life, people, experiences not classrooms and tests and tuition payments. We shall see what god wants of me...