Today is the anniversary of both my grandfather's deaths. I was OK, most of the day. Well as can be expected when you're sick! I watched Missing Persons and some little kid in me remembered that there was something I needed to make sure I didn't forget. It is usually a rough day every year. I was very close to both my grandfather's.

I recently watched The NeverEnding Story II The Next Chapter. Cheesy maybe, but either way Bastian knew the importance of a memory. Some days memories are the only thing that get you through the day. Some good, some bad or just unusual. My family has gotten really small and I really miss my grandparents. All of them have past on to live another life somewhere out there. I love them. I miss them. I have grieved. I have been angry. I have been sad. I just miss the fact that I can't hug them!

Something so simple. A hug. Something we take for granted. There is a comfort in the embrace of someone we trust and love unconditionally and knowing it is returned. Family matters. I have tried to explain it before to other people and for all my verbosity I don't think I can ever articulate what I feel. I was in their lives for a very short time considering the span of their lives. I was blessed. I knew them both well. Very different in personality and ideas, but they both had fierce hearts and loved life and their families. I am honored to have known the light from the flames their souls brought to this life.

Sometimes I wish I had all the wisdom of their life experiences to make it through all the rough spots in my life. And then this stupid thing pops up... I was lucky enough to know my grandparents. I do not think that will be true of my children and I grieve for a loss that only the future will answer and yet this fear / grief feels solid and certain.

So here I sit spilling tears over the past and the future. When will we ever learn, right Gramps? We are supposed to celebrate their life and the accomplishments of their lives, one of which was me.

I love you and carry you in my heart and I will always remember!

My mom and I have a long standing tradition to sing midnight mass for the choir we belong to and I tried to take pictures with our digital camera, which I am learning how to use.