Getting Laid. I realized why when a friend of mine said it out loud and was a point of discussion I did not make my usual witty quips. I have finally graduated to the perspective of not wanting to get laid but to have regular sex. Which then follows up with regular sex with the same partner, which continues into the thought that I am ready to be in a relationship. Not that I was not ready to be in a relationship sooner, but I have made some serious thinking about the last ten years and the decisions I have made and completed those decisions. Now it is time for new decisions. I had not made room for another person in my life in my head, so there was not room for someone else. Nature hates a vacuum, and will work exceedingly hard to fill the void.

It was not the last long term relationship that kept me off the grid. More the decision to come home and help my parents, one of which was terminally ill and had one foot headed in death’s direction. My father and I were not always on good terms and after many years of counseling on our issues, decided to test the theory. I of course, after having lived alone and with room / housemates had learned to care for myself as well as others and run the household. Decided that though I graduated as being cured with my issues with my father that if I did not go back into the jungle and test this theory that it was just words until it was tested. I choose to come home. For ten years we have worked on changing how we relate to each other, for the better and in more healthy ways. I have learned that I cannot always fix everything. Some things are not mine to fix. I can live with a disagreement and it does not have to change who I am. That other people have problems and they are their problems to fix. Most importantly just because daddy does not approve, I still choose to live my life on my terms. And we have both learned to live with that. We know that we are family and we can talk to one another. First rule is that we need to be calm before entertaining conversation with each other. Sometimes it is recognizing that we just need to be heard or more importantly listened to.

People are complicated. Or at least the interesting ones usually are. Therefore relationships with people are complicated. I have been thinking a great deal about relationships. Friendships are my bread and butter basics to understanding people. I have many friends from many walks of life. They would not all agree to each other perspectives but would agree they are friends with me, seriously complementary. I love the fact that when I ask my friends advise about something on my mind that they will all answer me from their perspective as I am finding my own. I have always taken my time to form opinions. I like to gather as much information as I can and really educate myself on many issues to the topic. Therefore in the end once my mind is made up the only way to change it is by showing me new evidence.

Family relationships have formed how I relate to others and continue to do so unless I have learned to reconstruct that conditioned family response through therapy or self-awareness. I’ve been told that many little girls look to find their daddy in their mates. I I have worked very hard not to allow myself to have the changeable traits from my father that I consider less desirable. Reconstructing my own instead of his. I also consider that I had wonderful relationships with my grandparents and they both taught me things that my parents did not. I think that has to do with what is important to you as you age, therefore generational differences have different priorities.

Making room in my head, heart and home. I do not know who might fill the void I am working on creating to allow a relationship to enter my life. I have someone I am considering, but am unsure of his perspective. I know that I am ready to make this change. More so because of my response when I walk into my apartment with the five years of dumping that I need to sort through, get rid of and make a space for the things I really want in my life. First I want to come home to me.

[Sidebar: One of my friends was pushing my fear of having some half wit barely legal collage twit responding to said prospective male that might make him unavailable for a relationship with me and take him away from my perspective that I should make the moves. I agree to the end result but not to my fear. Because in all reality I am opening that void up and I am working toward having a relationship in my life. Which could also mean that he would not have me as an option. I do not like fear as a motivational tool. I find it makes us sloppy, irrational and needy. None of these traits are desirable to be showing a prospective partner.]

What’s on my mind? Love. My parents have been together almost 40 years. I have watched many moments where I thought they would not make it past the end of the evening and yet here they are. My grandfather had a sudden heart attack and left my grandmother, much earlier than he planned. My other grandparents were separated by illness and then she had an aneurysm a few years ago. My great-grandparents were separated by illness then death and Great Grandma died more than twenty years later. It is my understanding that the women in our family last much longer than the males. “We endure” my grandmother said laughingly with a smile. I guess I wish they were here to ask their opinion on love.
    I have been thinking about a great many things in my life. I have been blessed with the experience of unconditional love from my grandparents. It is probably the reality where they were present to give it freely and in human forms such as hugs, snuggles, backrubs, back scratches, Eskimos kisses, hand holding, each expression filled with love for you from them. And as a child you respond completely with unconditional love in return. I miss that reality. Now it is my job to give it to myself or, maybe if I am lucky, a lover or companion to share love with.

Moments are truly precious and we do not realize how fleeting they can be. I have always felt there was plenty of time for everything to happen. I learned from my Great Grandmother to regret little from this life because I learned to take chances. Making every moment count; as if it were your last moment. I have also learned to savor moments while they are happening and not to push things too far, too quickly. Human beings need time to be flexible, to get used to a concept, idea or emotion. Right now I feel like there are less moments than there used to be. I keep feeling like I missed something. I slept through something. There was an appointment I missed and I keep trying to remember what it was, or where, or when…

I had the most amazing weekend sharing birthday celebrations with other Virgo, Libra Friends. The rain only caused us to hide for little bits of time. It did slow down work progress, but the entire weekend was really fun.

I went on my first trackter ride. I saw the entire camp grounds. We learned a great deal about fungus, because one of the ladies on the ride identifies them and we all learned a bunch. We even got to taste some of them later at the pot luck! Yumm! Absolutely beautiful fungus. I discovered I need to wander more with my sketchbook and charcoal and maybe on a nice dry day take photos! The trees were so cool! Especially the old narly ones!

I was honored to share in the birthday festivities after a brief snack. Mojitos with extra mint! Yumm! We sat around the campfire to stay warm and enjoy each others company. I have never laughed so hard in such a long time. I awoke with new muscles aches from all the laughter from the previous evening. Caught up with friends, meet new ones, got to know some others better. I did not want to go to bed.

Awoke to rain, which continued to slow work down. More wonderful conversation and TEA between the rain drops. Refueled and managed to finished the task at hand to close up the campsite for the winter. I managed to get into the way of a falling branch that bull's eyed my nose. I haven't been bopped in the nose in years! Holy crap I forgot how much it hurts! Gave blood to the nature gods and goddessess. I hope that was enough. I do not plan on donating again for awhile. That accomplished we headed home.

I changed into warm clothes to be meet by my BFF who wanted to surprise me and visit. I managed to do all my laundry and all the clothes that smell of campfire never made it into the washer and dyer! Maybe nextweek...