10/17/10 05:07 - 59.ºF - ID#52968
It was not the last long term relationship that kept me off the grid. More the decision to come home and help my parents, one of which was terminally ill and had one foot headed in deathâ€™s direction. My father and I were not always on good terms and after many years of counseling on our issues, decided to test the theory. I of course, after having lived alone and with room / housemates had learned to care for myself as well as others and run the household. Decided that though I graduated as being cured with my issues with my father that if I did not go back into the jungle and test this theory that it was just words until it was tested. I choose to come home. For ten years we have worked on changing how we relate to each other, for the better and in more healthy ways. I have learned that I cannot always fix everything. Some things are not mine to fix. I can live with a disagreement and it does not have to change who I am. That other people have problems and they are their problems to fix. Most importantly just because daddy does not approve, I still choose to live my life on my terms. And we have both learned to live with that. We know that we are family and we can talk to one another. First rule is that we need to be calm before entertaining conversation with each other. Sometimes it is recognizing that we just need to be heard or more importantly listened to.
People are complicated. Or at least the interesting ones usually are. Therefore relationships with people are complicated. I have been thinking a great deal about relationships. Friendships are my bread and butter basics to understanding people. I have many friends from many walks of life. They would not all agree to each other perspectives but would agree they are friends with me, seriously complementary. I love the fact that when I ask my friends advise about something on my mind that they will all answer me from their perspective as I am finding my own. I have always taken my time to form opinions. I like to gather as much information as I can and really educate myself on many issues to the topic. Therefore in the end once my mind is made up the only way to change it is by showing me new evidence.
Family relationships have formed how I relate to others and continue to do so unless I have learned to reconstruct that conditioned family response through therapy or self-awareness. Iâ€™ve been told that many little girls look to find their daddy in their mates. I I have worked very hard not to allow myself to have the changeable traits from my father that I consider less desirable. Reconstructing my own instead of his. I also consider that I had wonderful relationships with my grandparents and they both taught me things that my parents did not. I think that has to do with what is important to you as you age, therefore generational differences have different priorities.
Making room in my head, heart and home. I do not know who might fill the void I am working on creating to allow a relationship to enter my life. I have someone I am considering, but am unsure of his perspective. I know that I am ready to make this change. More so because of my response when I walk into my apartment with the five years of dumping that I need to sort through, get rid of and make a space for the things I really want in my life. First I want to come home to me.
[Sidebar: One of my friends was pushing my fear of having some half wit barely legal collage twit responding to said prospective male that might make him unavailable for a relationship with me and take him away from my perspective that I should make the moves. I agree to the end result but not to my fear. Because in all reality I am opening that void up and I am working toward having a relationship in my life. Which could also mean that he would not have me as an option. I do not like fear as a motivational tool. I find it makes us sloppy, irrational and needy. None of these traits are desirable to be showing a prospective partner.]
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 10/17/10 05:07
10/13/10 06:24 - 57.ºF - ID#52944
I have been thinking about a great many things in my life. I have been blessed with the experience of unconditional love from my grandparents. It is probably the reality where they were present to give it freely and in human forms such as hugs, snuggles, backrubs, back scratches, Eskimos kisses, hand holding, each expression filled with love for you from them. And as a child you respond completely with unconditional love in return. I miss that reality. Now it is my job to give it to myself or, maybe if I am lucky, a lover or companion to share love with.
Moments are truly precious and we do not realize how fleeting they can be. I have always felt there was plenty of time for everything to happen. I learned from my Great Grandmother to regret little from this life because I learned to take chances. Making every moment count; as if it were your last moment. I have also learned to savor moments while they are happening and not to push things too far, too quickly. Human beings need time to be flexible, to get used to a concept, idea or emotion. Right now I feel like there are less moments than there used to be. I keep feeling like I missed something. I slept through something. There was an appointment I missed and I keep trying to remember what it was, or where, or whenâ€¦
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 10/13/10 06:24
10/01/10 06:36 - 58.ºF - ID#52867
I went on my first trackter ride. I saw the entire camp grounds. We learned a great deal about fungus, because one of the ladies on the ride identifies them and we all learned a bunch. We even got to taste some of them later at the pot luck! Yumm! Absolutely beautiful fungus. I discovered I need to wander more with my sketchbook and charcoal and maybe on a nice dry day take photos! The trees were so cool! Especially the old narly ones!
I was honored to share in the birthday festivities after a brief snack. Mojitos with extra mint! Yumm! We sat around the campfire to stay warm and enjoy each others company. I have never laughed so hard in such a long time. I awoke with new muscles aches from all the laughter from the previous evening. Caught up with friends, meet new ones, got to know some others better. I did not want to go to bed.
Awoke to rain, which continued to slow work down. More wonderful conversation and TEA between the rain drops. Refueled and managed to finished the task at hand to close up the campsite for the winter. I managed to get into the way of a falling branch that bull's eyed my nose. I haven't been bopped in the nose in years! Holy crap I forgot how much it hurts! Gave blood to the nature gods and goddessess. I hope that was enough. I do not plan on donating again for awhile. That accomplished we headed home.
I changed into warm clothes to be meet by my BFF who wanted to surprise me and visit. I managed to do all my laundry and all the clothes that smell of campfire never made it into the washer and dyer! Maybe nextweek...
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 10/01/10 06:36
09/24/10 11:48 - 82.ºF - ID#52826
I hate waiting...
I am always amazed at how long it has been since my last post. I will have to work on it. Many things have been happening. I have been trying to fix the computer so that I can have flashplayer, but it turns out I have to buy memory for my computer in order to do that. UG!
I need to finish my bills, check a couple of job websites out, continue planning for the weekend, waiting... check out planfares, a friend invite me to visit, so we are in planning mode.
Check facebook, check email, continue the other to projects I am working on, get stuff from my apartment, take stuff to my apartment, cleaning, only a little bit. waiting...
Oh pish posh - I think I am going to head outside and enjoy the day.
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 09/24/10 11:48
08/06/10 08:55 - 65.ºF - ID#52377
My dad was in the hospital and the doctors came in visit him just as I needed to leave and meet my BFF and I managed to catch an end of the month movie outing. The strange thing about that day was every where I went I had 15 minutes to decided what I needed to buy and leave, if managed to catch them before closing. I had an A C Moore coupon for $10 off, so i got more scrapbooking supplies and headed out. Ran into a cowoker even! Department Store was closed so I'd have to wait to pay the bill. We had to go to the later show because I was late coming home from the hospital. Mom wanted Chinese for dinner so we stopped, but we added steamed dumplings and had to wait another 10 minutes. Managed to only be about 5 minutes late for BFF a waiting on porch for our arrival. We ate and talked before heading out. Learning to continue not fighting the clock and enjoing the wait. After the movie we headed into borders and once again had 15 minutes to make our consumer decisions. Then we headed to the park for a late night chat aboutour vacation and te directions our lives are heading toward, before heading home to bed.
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 08/06/10 08:55
08/06/10 06:46 - 65.ºF - ID#52376
I even asked the good doctor if it was ok to go on said vacation, he said it was doctor's orders! Nice doctor! So I slowly packed for my weekend vacation. I hung out with BFF at her house. The drive was nice. Stopped for some tobacco for my elder. Geesh! How money flies out of the wallet! Prices have gone up quite a bit for tobacco. Drove into local store to get some groceries and snacks and breakfast foods... Got to camp, visited with several people haven't seen in a couple of years. We got invited to camp with friends - from out of town specifically New Orleans. Good times! I promised myself no work, so I did what must be done and relaxed!
Managed to touch base with more people than had planned. Great Company. Great conversations. Lots of dancing. Lots of drumming. Lots of silliness. Lots of connections. Finally gave friends their belated present from 2007; pictures of their wedding. Spoke with my elder and found out we are rebuilding due to unforeseen circumstances and set a date to come and work. It was good to see the surprise on his face when I gave him the tobacco, definately worth it! I tried to spend quality time with as many friends as I could time allowing and weather permitting.
The morning of our day to head home a thuderstorm rolled in and did not stop raining for several hours. Who says Mother Nature does not have a sense of humor? Therefore our plans had changed. There was flooding and roads were closed. Once the rain stopped the locals reported that after 2-3 hours it would all seep into the ground and we would be able to head on our merry way home. My response was what can I do to change this situation? Nothing. So, what am I going to do while I wait? Have a spot of lunch, visit with bff and wait until our lake side property became dry land once again, so that I can begin to pack up camp and pack the car.
Drama Queens. Two friends were acting quiet strange and were upset about the situation and were shouting orders to people in camp. I ended up being one of them and did as ordered. Only because I have been in this persons shoes, even though I had never met her before - not because I was ordered. The order part got me to leave promptly after help was given. Miffed I began talking to bff about issue. We vented. We also decided since people were reacting badly it would be best to spend time with each other or other people with the same mindset. We too had to break camp and the rain had flooded our stuff and no one was helping us. Was that simply because we decided not to let it upset us and pardon me for the pun, but go with the flow!
We hung out in a community dry space while waiting for the water level to disappear. We found other people who were just chillin'. We were invited to partake of cherries and share in our weekend festivities stories. We spent some time around a small camp fire still burning from the night before which wafted into my hair and stayed there until my next shower. Meet some new friends who were concerned with catching a plane on time. I sat and meditated on many different thoughts, ideas and feelings. It felt good to just be. Thank you Mother Nature for those moments with nothing to do but wait. I spent some quality time with myself and my thoughts. Sharing with others as they came and went. Mostly centering myself and finding the secret of taking home my vacation when I left. I think it was Mother Nature's gift to me.
When the water level had disappeared it was time to get to packing up. I took my tent and other wet camping gear to dry in the hot sun. I then waited while having a snack of cookies and water knowing that the car was packed, mostly. And once all the wet stuff dried we would be off heading home and dinner at Aunt Millie's. I was planning on steak and potatoes! I do not ever seem to have room after eating dinner for dessert. And Aunt Millie's desserts are supreme. Headed back to BFF's house and partly unpack the car, to do some laundry of wet clothes and watch tv.
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 08/06/10 06:46
08/01/10 03:12 - 80.ºF - ID#52349
A friend of mine invited me to her poetry/spoken word at Rust Belt Books on Tuesday evening. I managed to remember to go and be on time even with work. I enjoyed her performance. And we even had a book to take and remember the experience.
I shopped around finding wonderfully priced books on a subject matter I was thinking about due to the previous weekend vacation. My stomach rumbled for attention and I was aimlessly walking up and down Allen Street to ponder dinner at Jim's Steak Out. Deciding that I should not just ponder but partake, I ordered my usual favorite with a twist. I picked up the Art Voice and found an article explaining the Infringement Festival. I also found out a friend of mine was going to be reading at 8pm.
Around 8pm I headed back to Rust Belt Books and sat in on the previous reader and really enjoyed her memory work storytelling technique. Being a visual artist can be kind of cruel. I see pictures of the things as words and vibrations occilate through the air to create a entirely new environment, just as happens for most people when reading a book. It pulls you into that world even if only for a moment. How long is a moment really? Can it be measured? I think of a moment as an open ended question with a multitude of possibilities. And then she realized her time was up and though it was only five minutes of her life that I shared every part of that moment and I was taking an old worn photograph of her life experience with me. Definately, something to cherish.
WIERD TALES and TALL COINCIDENCES by Janna Willoughby
Now, the audience changed preparing for the next artist to take the stage. A friend I have not had the pleasure to see in a few years ascended the stage. Her warm presences easily filled the back room making it continued cozy. I moved from the back row to the front. I love to hear Janna. We traveled with her on her families' strange experiences, it was very magical for me. I discovered we had some stange things that had happened to both of us. I listened intently.
Before I knew it the hour had passed. Still digesting I waited to say hi again after a long time. We traveled to Days Park to enjoy an evening with fire in the park displayed by a group called Pyromancy.
At the end I was debating on heading home when I ran into other friends surprised to see me out. Before I knew it we were deep in discussion and having a beer.
Time really does fly when you are having fun... the next time i gazed at my watch I realized why I was yawning, 10:30pm had become 2:00am. I was headed home and dreams from every land and nation to dance across my brain as I slept.
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 08/01/10 03:15
08/01/10 02:36 - 80.ºF - ID#52348
33rd Kidney Stone Update
I followed up with my urologist after x-rays to discover I am stone free! Yeah, Kidneys!
I then had to figure out how I was going to pay all the medical bills, so was on the hunt for another part-time job. I found Census 2010. I began training and working shortly after the surgery. So I have been extremely busy working two jobs.
I was so proud of myself to get all my bills paid with my temporary job to find out that I may still have one or two still outstanding. I have to call and straighten out this week.
Location: Buffalo, NY
Last Modified: 08/01/10 02:36
02/24/10 08:45 - 30ºF - ID#51071
January 22, 2010 after work I headed to the doctor's office my pcp wanted to get a better look at me since it would take 2 weeks to see the urologist. I definately had a problem. The pain was still there and I was really tender. I began to think, when was the last time I had a kideny stone. 1999. Over ten years ago, I must have been doing something right. We decide to get pain pills and a sonogram to rule out kidney stones, just in case.
February 1, 2010 I go first thing in the morning for the earliest appointment I could get because I was not supposed to eat or drink anything. I got my sonogram. The technician was really nice but showed me this roundish thing the size of a green pea on the screen in my kidney. I was posiive I had a stone. I was told that without a shadow that the test was inconclusive.
February 5, 2010 I finally see the urologist. I pee in a cup. I answer a million or so questions. I fill out forms. Since I have not had a stone in a long time I go back to being a new patient. SIGH. I see a new doctor. I just want to confirm what my gut tells me - that I have a kdney stone. I am still in pain and discomfort on a daily basis. We discuss the fact that the sonogram is nonconclusive. What test will give us the correct answer? A CAT SCAN, I'm allergic to cats! Ok. I have to have the nurse schedule one and she will call me.
She calls me. After numerous phone calls I have an appointment. SIGH.
February 15, 2010 Cat Scan went smoothly. I was completely tired that day and took the rest of the day off to read and nap alternately. Daily pain can make you really tired.
February 18, 2010 I wake up and I am completely grumpy and irrasible, I also share this infrmation with all who ask. I go back to the urologist. I pee in a cup. I see a middle level physicans assistant whom I really discover I dislike. The Cat Scan confirms I have a 6 mm stone in my left kidney. I am relieved finally proof of my gut! He decides that the pain i am in is skeletal-muscular and I am not taking my pain meds correctly. I argue since I have been an athelete for a better part of my existance I explained in grave detail why I disagreed. Well, then we are going to put you on a diet because you have an abundance of this kind of stone. I'm like REALLY?! Have you read my chart? He looks slightly confused. He is only holding two pieces of paper in his hands. I inform him of my urological history. This is my 33rd stone since I was diagnosed in my early 20's. I make all five kinds of stones. I am allergic to 1 of the 5 pain medication families. I went in for emergency treatment due to being on pain medication so that when I had to pass the stone, pain meds did not work on me. After 19 1/2 hours of pain, I learned a very valuable lesson, do not abuse pain medication if you want it to work when you really need it. SO. Now that we know I have a stone and it is too large to pass on its own. AND it is causing me to have blood in my urine and pain in my side, WHAT are WE going to do about MY problem? Then I am treated to palpitations of my kidneys. Right - can you keep doing that, it feels good. Left - OOOOOOOOOOOOO, still holding my breath, IT REALLY HURTS! Well, you need to have an x-ray done to determine the next course of treatment. Really? YES. Okay.
I go to eat lunch with my mother at IHOP on the way to the hospital to get an x-ray. I need to take a pain pill. I have the cold sweats again. I am in and out of the bathroom for the better part of an hour. Finally we head to the hospital.
I get the x-ray taken at the hospital. They will have the information in a day or two.
February 23, 2010 I am watching the Olympics and enjoying a good book during the commercials covered up on the couch. When out of no where I am in extreme pain. .5 - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 4 - 4... staring to reach toward five. I drink, gulp water at last 8 oz. I try to stretch my body to lay flat. I am having a hard time taking a deep breath due to the pain. I focus on my breathing and slow down and try to relax my muscles. Finally after about 5 minutes the pain went back down to .5. I went back to reading and watching tv. I dozed off for about an hour after the episode of pain and then I put myself to bed with the firm notion I need to talk to a doctor and soon.
February 24, 2010 I am on the phone off an on all day trying to find out what the next course of action is supposed to be. Yes, my symptoms are still the same. Answer more questions. The urologist will review my charts and tell me the next course of action. I wait. Have I mentioned I hate waiting? Strong words, but true. I have to schedule a cystoscopy. I schedule the cystoscopy. I am nervous and constantly reminded by the pain that it is not going to go away on its own.
Location: Buffalo, NY
01/26/10 03:44 - 27ºF - ID#50912
We ended up heading home afterward. I watched one skater and fell asleep on the couch. Go figure.
Location: Buffalo, NY
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