What’s on my mind? Love. My parents have been together almost 40 years. I have watched many moments where I thought they would not make it past the end of the evening and yet here they are. My grandfather had a sudden heart attack and left my grandmother, much earlier than he planned. My other grandparents were separated by illness and then she had an aneurysm a few years ago. My great-grandparents were separated by illness then death and Great Grandma died more than twenty years later. It is my understanding that the women in our family last much longer than the males. “We endure” my grandmother said laughingly with a smile. I guess I wish they were here to ask their opinion on love.
    I have been thinking about a great many things in my life. I have been blessed with the experience of unconditional love from my grandparents. It is probably the reality where they were present to give it freely and in human forms such as hugs, snuggles, backrubs, back scratches, Eskimos kisses, hand holding, each expression filled with love for you from them. And as a child you respond completely with unconditional love in return. I miss that reality. Now it is my job to give it to myself or, maybe if I am lucky, a lover or companion to share love with.

Moments are truly precious and we do not realize how fleeting they can be. I have always felt there was plenty of time for everything to happen. I learned from my Great Grandmother to regret little from this life because I learned to take chances. Making every moment count; as if it were your last moment. I have also learned to savor moments while they are happening and not to push things too far, too quickly. Human beings need time to be flexible, to get used to a concept, idea or emotion. Right now I feel like there are less moments than there used to be. I keep feeling like I missed something. I slept through something. There was an appointment I missed and I keep trying to remember what it was, or where, or when…

I remember my great grandmother telling me, the ten years old me, that you will just know. That there is this feeling in your gut and everything feels natural, like it was always meant to be. She smiled and kissed me on the forehead "You will know here" and then took her hand and put it over my heart and said "and here."

A friend of mine says it is like color to everyone else's black and white. Another friend of mine tells me that it is persistence and perseverance, and what do you believe?

I believe as all little girls that there is someone out there that is my complement, my equal, my friend, my lover and that it is meant to be. I believe I deserve that love to consume me so that there is a kind glow about us both that everyone around us will know that this is forever.

Recently, I was invited to a wedding. I am so proud of the two of them for getting over whatever may have held them back and honored each other's spirit, because they are beautiful together. Their love radiating out to everyone they spoke to, touched, it truly was a fairy tale come true and they invited me! HOPE!

I have fallen in love more than once, and there is something different this time. My heart feels like it is ready to explode at the thought of him. Yet I am very much aware of our lives, thoughts and experiences, an intellectual connection. I am myself around him. I believe him to be himself around me. We speak the truth, even if it may offend. We explain our thoughts and feelings. I feel like I have known him my whole life and yet there is so much to share, to get to know, to experience. There is a comfortable -ness when we are around each other. A fit.

I had to let him go. He is engaged. I really hate having ethics! There are women who aren't, but I am. I need to honor that commitment. Maybe it was my family upbringing. If the engagement doesn't work out then that is a different story. I have to trust he knows how I feel because I have told him. He needs to figure out what he wants. I would fight tooth and nail for our love, but it is at a point where all I can do is be his friend. Love his friendship in return and look out for his best interests. I do not think she is the one for him. Yet I cannot honestly see past me loving him to see a future. So in the end, it will be his decision and I need to trust he will do what is right for himself and for whom ever his partner will be.

Another friend told me after seeing us together she was amazed that the engagement was still on. She believes that if we could have that kind of connection that it is only a matter of time before we have a chance to explore that connection. I have a firm belief in letting one thing end before beginning another relationship. Timing can suck, but there is the need for patience. I ask myself, what if I were in his shoes, what would I do? I to would need to make sure what I had was over. I would probably work on the friendship. Even staying alone for a time to make sure I wasn't putting any residual feelings into the new possibility and then follow my heart. I can only hope he is who I think he is. If not, then I need to revise my perception of him. Either way when you truly love someone, you love them for their strengths and weaknesses.

Love would seem to have many layers and depths that we have only begun to understand. Simply stated that all emotions are felt through the possibilities of love. Love as often as possible for when we leave this place, love is only echo of what we can feel here. Enjoy living life and loving as often as your heart will allow you too!