And when I see you, I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged when there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams
from absorbing everything the spectrum's A to Z.
(ahh... ahhh...)

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years
All the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone,
I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03 and on your machine,
I slur a plea for you to come home.
But I know it's too late, and I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay; given you a reason to stay;
given you a reason to stay

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years...

A Song by Death Cab for Cutie


(A View from My Old Room in Amherst, 2001, SJ)

I usually put my desk near the window where I can look at outside easily.
At home, I'm always in front of my computer, so I need to get feeling refresh looking over from the view of a moment of outside sometimes.
But, here in my current room, my desk is far from the window.
Perhaps, this is the reason I get depressed a lot here.

This song is giving me the bittersweet feelings. Just as how it rings for you.

I'm organizing pictures I took in Cold Spring right now and I found out Ronin's picture. He has so much love to show. I can't believe that I miss Ronin.
While I was driving to school for my evening class today, I saw a dog that looks like Ronin on the street. I was almost calling the dog like "Ronin", but it's impossible that he is here in Buffalo. Of course I miss Woosha as well. They gave me so much love while I got cold feelings. So sad, I will be so mad if they can't recognize me someday.



Here, Drchlorine, please, correct your word.. depressing and whining is a different meaning of context.. Don't even talk down people's feelings. If you aren't like that, then... just walk away.. got my point..?

I'm back to Buffalo. I made it for 15 hours. If I didn't get lost around Chicago again, I could make home for 14 hours.. It's better than 21 hours driving. A lot improved..? Isn't it..? Yeah, I went to Michigan for some reason.. I don't know how it could happen.. I was happy to see my friend Alan back home. He was awake and came out to carry my stuff.. Oh, I love Alan and I miss Robin right now.
Oh well, I need to work right now.. I know that I'm crazy..
But, I need to work for my presentation tomorrow.. I will be okay.
It's good to be home, and it was good to drive.. I thought a lot.. really a lot.

And, thank you for helping me out to find out the direction.
You know who I'm talking about..? ;)

I'm driving back to Buffalo in a couple hours. We had a fun day. My friend showed me his school where he teaches, and little bit about downtown of St.Cloud.
Then, went to Thai restaurant for a dinner and went to shopping mall to check his winter jarket.. Yeah, from what I have heard, it's much colder than Buffalo.
I bet.. Then went to see a movie.. "Ray".. It was good.

I took pictures of this house and him... I'm actually sad right now..
Here is the image that I will remember.

It's the last day of being in Cold Spring. I'm little scared of driving back to Buffalo for a day again. I hope I won't have any problem with my car on the way back. I lost the gas cap when I drove up here, but I got one in an automobile store yesterday. My friend said, "aren't you glad that I remember the gas cap for you?" Yeah, I completely forgot about it at the moment, so it was good that he remembered it while doing errands in St. Cloud.

Since I got here, I've been getting up early. The first day, I got up early, but went back to sleep after my friend left for school. I should take some pictures of landscape around this house. This house is located in front of lake, and there are a lot of vacation empty trailers. My friend said, from early April to September, people come and stay in their trailers for the weekend. But, now everybody is gone. So, he is only one left around this place.

I already went out for a walk with dogs that seems like my new life in Cold Spring. I still don't get what they need or want if they come and lick me. But he knows what they need exactly. But, I'm surprised by myself that I can get along with dogs very well. That's why Dogs' hairs are all over my clothes right now. The white dog's name is Ronin and now he is laying down on my leg and looking at my computer together. It looks like we are in a relationship somehow. ;) I wish my friend took a picture of us right now, but he is still in the bed.

I'm collecting images into my head to remember later. I won't come to visit here anymore. Being in this house will disappear from my sight soon, also he plans on staying this house for one year. I don't think I will visit him in a year again. I think that's why I wanted to come.

Somebody told me that my journals are very whining, so I'm trying not to write my emotion too much here. Hum,, but this is my journals, sometimes I just want to write.. well I know people read everybody's journals, but it doesn't really matter... Right..? I do care, but I don't know what to say.. but you know what I meant..?

Finally, I watched the Sacrifice tonight. Well, I get always feeling melancholy or peculiar emotions, which is hard to explain or describe with right words, after watching Adrei Tarkovsky's film. Also, even I feel like to ask myself; "Hum.. Did I fully get it..?" Or it doesn't really matter to the Directer, probably he wants the audience to feel the complicated human emotions. I don't know.

One more of his film I want to watch that is "Nostalgia" I'm not quite sure that my work is about the nostalgia.. but Tony indicated that I'm probably looking for the feeling nostalgia.. the memory that I was attached or touched... unforgettable, or hold inside forever.. but, I'm not sure what it is yet.

Remembering of things past.. Swann's way.. I'm trying to read this book...
How he remembers his childhood or.. even he remembers the taste of particular food he liked.. Yeah, long way to go figuring my work out.

It's already been 3 days here in Cold Spring. My friend doesn't have a class to teach for today, (yeah, he is an art professor, well, nobody quite understands art people, so I don't understand either me and him) so, we had little time to hang out together. We went to St. Cloud to do some errands. There is a little fancy grocery market, yeah it was just little fancy, which is carpeted on the floor in the grocery market .. well, they have kimchee.. We bought it for Kimchee Kimbob for the dinner. It was good.

Still... sad..

Actually, I'm not that comfortable being here (yet?) Although this house looks familiar with me, (well because I have seen a video about the house through online before), but I'm still overwhelmed by cold atmosphere and empty feelings.

That was a crazy idea of driving for 21 hours to come up here. I thought I was gonna give up at some point, and when I felt giving up and going back, I was too far away from Buffalo.
The road seemed to be never ending, I got lost for one hour outside of Chicago, and also I had to drive though very heavy foggy highway for a couple hours. There are a lot of scary stories on my this long road trip. Actually I was almost crying and was asking myself "why I'm doing this" Only what I was hoping while driving up here that was "please, oh God, make this trip end up for me right away"

I'm finally in the place called Cold Spring in Minnesota. I came up here to chill out for myself and to see my friend, and now I'm alone with 2 dogs. Yeah, my friend went to work. I slept until 1 pm. Well, there is one hour time difference from Buffalo. Hum, maybe, I'm in jet lag right now. One hour jet lag.

I'm very hungry, so I might go out for some food by myself soon.
The dogs love me so much,. They are huge, one of them seems bigger than me,, but licking me everywhere.. and they are sleeping on my legs and I'm depending on the dogs' body to write my journal right now... funny.

I just got here about 30 min ago.. I swear the god.. I will never do again.. ever...

I left Buffalo about 3 hours ago, which was around 7 AM in the morning.
While I was getting ready to leave Buffalo, I was thinking.. oh no.. This is the time I usually go to bed. But, I got up. I think I was very tired last night.. Couldn't get enough sleep.. and ran around to get work done all day long.

I'm in Starbucks having some bread and coffee around Cleveland. My back was so hurt while driving. I think I should take a break here for one hour.. I hadn't done road trips for a long time. So, it's been kind of okay so far. I will see how exhaust I can be later.

For this trip, I had to change all my tires yesterday. Well, one of them was good shape, but Walmart didn't put the right tire in January, so they gave me one as free. It wasn't that expensive.. Since I'm driving so long time, I had to do that.

I think I like here. It seems little urbanized than Buffalo. Yeah, I like urban style. But, it doesn't mean that I don't like Buffalo. Buffalo is okay. Too much snow, that's the problem.. but.. I like my friends in Buffalo.

I have my video camera with me.. so, I can probably take pictures on this trip.. Oh, my video camera has the function of digital camera as well, just it looks really bigger than normal digital camera. Oh well.

Okay, I gotta look at my map again.. make sure one more time.
Oh.. AAA is so cool.. they gave me a very nice map and highlighted on the map where I have to take.. That was so cool.