...how you can learn to trust people less and less, every day.

is that what friends are for?!

i feel like the only genuine person out here and frankly, although vindicating, it leaves sad room for company. how am i supposed to find a roomate by june at this rate? personally, i don't think i would want to live with another human being ever again. humahns are not to be trusted.

self-serving, aggrandizing, manipulative, back-biting, drama-laden, heartbreaking, sad excuses for evolution. cancer is just a symptom of how the humahn race is exceeding its limitations in the natural way of things. an affront to divinity and progress, they wallow in their self-mutilating ways, defiling their higher selves for the current fix at hand. it only makes sense that their own bodies would turn against them, as a race, to begin that grand lemming-march toward extinction.

this is another day in which i could almost feel my apocalyptic form tear itself from my water and carbon casings. sometimes it feels like my back will break open and all the rage and disgust i feel at the world will pour out and consume it in the heat of my convictions.

what good is it to connect with anyone at this rate? what does anyone have to offer that i cannot readily produce on my own?

work. work is the only thing i have control over.

and now,

its the only thing im going to focus on. everything else is just distraction.

here is a little wishful thinking for the meantime:

anyone ever wake up so hard, it hurt? like your entire body trembles, just from the simple act of getting up in the morning? thats how i feel about now. really, painfully, tired.hopefully, i wont have to drive anywhere far away today- cause mr. sandman handed me a bag of bricks to carry this morning.

seriously painful awakening. more and more often every day.
im sure ill be fine by about 9am.

have a good morning, estrip.

i woke up this morning and my phone was unplugged. this must be the 4th or 5th time my cat, yoda, had knocked over the answering machine and pulled the cords out.

no more than 20 minutes after i plug the phone in and finish my shower, i get a call from my boss telling me that i didn't have that floating holiday i thought i used to take off the day after enknots party. that, and even tho i was told not to come in until tuesday, they had been trying to reach me all day to get me to go out to syracuse for a pickup. long story short- my boss is going to have to cut a sales meeting in rochester short, tomorrow, to do that pickup they needed today from syracuse. so he is picking me up from my apt at 6am, so i can go to pittsburgh to drop off some work we received from them for the weekend.

im trying to look dependable here, and even tho im sure little blame can be placed on me for the past two days of poor administrative planning, its hard not to feel like these people can feel vindicated about an image of ineptitude on my part.

man, I've only been awake for an hour at the most, and today is already rough. soon enough they will issue me a cell phone. i can only wonder how much excessive flack will be expected for me to address in the future. this makes me wonder if the almost 20% pay hike I've been promised is even worth it. I've been there three years and even tho i just received this double promotion, it just dosent seem enough, sometimes.

whats worse, is finding a job with my current is close to impossible. im hardly ever in the city during the workday- as im out of town doing deliveries... or when i am in town, i am too occupied with my duties to do anything other than my job.

originally i had planned on going to the dept of labor (unemployment), to see if they could look for jobs for me, since i wouldnt have much time to dedicate in my sometimes 14-hour-work-day to do so. now what am i supposed to do? im beginning to feel like im an indentured servant here. is this paranoia? can i get some advise or support here? work always seems to bring out the anxiety in me.

on another note, yes, i had a great time at enknots party. i wouldnt trade those memories (or lack thereov), for any amount of credit i would get at work for being a mind reader.

i just got up from switching my laundry to find that yoda has destroyed yet another set of nice headphones.

now, i have to go to walgreens to buy some new ones. again. fucking cats.

open rejection, or feigned interest?

oh yeah, and I've been told im getting promoted.

having problems with fellow (e:strip)pers?! winter grays got you down? cabin fever making you want to eat your neighbor? well, (e:vycious) has the solution for YOU! just follow these easy to... er, follow, instructions and you too can become a expeditious mitigator of disputes over ever-so-important issues such as:

1. testosteroned hoopla!
2. estrogened ballyhooing!
3. pheremonal mis-appropriation!

how is this possible?!

first. both parties must gather a good 5-10 friends each to a large, relatively non-cluttered region. enknot can back me up on this by endorsing the local ymca with his dodge-ball league.

second. both parties involved in dispute must drink, in advance and under supervision by chosen individual of opposed party, a gallon of water an hour for 3 hours. conflicted parties may urinate for first hour, only.

thirdly. parties assemble friends around them as a circle in chosen area, numbering as one party, then other, around entire circle- so to keep the cirle unbiased.

finally. tickle-death-match, thunderdrome style. done in sections of 15 minutes, with drinking breaks between. first to urinate loses. winner leaves with dry pants, and the whole of the pissing contest will have run its course, sans wasted time.

had to go to Albany today. on the way home, found myself staring at a Denny's in Hartford in front of the thruway.

funny the things we try to forget.

in 96, ten years ago, i was sitting in that very place, eating hot fudge cake sundaes (you know, the ones they used to sell, before they switched to brownies?) ...smothered in hot fudge. it was late, about midnight-ish, and roughly forty miles from where we were going to college.

when i say *we* i am not referring to the royal we. it was with a woman i just so happened to be secretly in love with who i called Tigger, for her orange hair and exuberant spirit.
..heather..
a year later it would be bleached and replaced with blue, complimenting her soft hues, but hardening her heart. we hung out every day between Denny's and then, and it all hit me at once again as i passed...

its three days to my birthday, and im brought to remember now, how my mother swore till her dying day that she wanted one of those hot fudge cake sundaes, along with a carton of smokes, in her coffin.

pan back one year. about this time, all i can say is dural av fistula and gates.

go back another year. in three days, i would find out my mother had cancer. i didn't even see her on that day: 'i need a day off', and took liberties with the selfishness of my birthday. i promised her i would come to see her, but she was hardly awake anymore. i never saw her again. she died the day following.

funerals are expensive. my father, after getting the most inexpensive casket, a family plot, and services- had no money for an entire carton. besides, she died from lung failure, anyways. so... i got her that sundae. even put it in a Tupperware container so she could have it at her leisure. don't think the funeral director believed my asking for its allowance, until i brought it in and saw her stifle a laugh. suppose there is some humor in death. even as a mortician.
that laugh carried me through the rest of the day. it was just the way my mother affected people. you had no choice but to remember her. to stare a gasp at the absurdity of her. there was never middle ground- love her or hate her.

i was an asshole to her the entire time she was dying. i kept calling her a jackass. i just wanted her to be angry, so she would stop being so weak. she was always at her strongest when angry. i realize now how weak i was. i promised i would be there for her on my birthday. the day before she died. the last day she had. and i squandered it. every promise i made to her before she died i could not sustain. every one. what i would give to get ten years back.

so i pulled over and had myself a good cry. somewhere on the thruway between utica and syracuse, in the company van. gods, i fucking hate my birthday.

blessed are the single minded, for they know nothing of their limits.

recently, i have been comparing my (would-be) love life to that of a Möbius strip. being one-dimensional, it is all inclusive and rather limited- although infinite, paradoxically. it spans within its boarders, trailing endlessly. to exist in one dimensional space would allow travel to any time or location.

and here i am. more correctly, we are. i look to the forward me; and i, we, they look back at who i was, am, and shall be. side by side we sit. we always have. the many things outside this space move around the boarders coalescing and forming, but never permeating or sublimating. the actions of the past/present/future have all been within me, change being something matrons whisper to three dimensional offspring. all within me...

eyes shut, the expanse of my will fills the void. consciousness cascading and parsing itself through me, i feel so endless and open. eyes closed- self reigns and the hammer of subjective paradigm holds no sway. its here that my *self* resides, in this limitless/contradictory vessel, free of the simple carbon strands that bind me to that place which will never be real enough.

allen street








chippewa








hyatts


linwood




our hero- yours truely


SHUTDOWN!




summer