had to go to Albany today. on the way home, found myself staring at a Denny's in Hartford in front of the thruway.

funny the things we try to forget.

in 96, ten years ago, i was sitting in that very place, eating hot fudge cake sundaes (you know, the ones they used to sell, before they switched to brownies?) ...smothered in hot fudge. it was late, about midnight-ish, and roughly forty miles from where we were going to college.

when i say *we* i am not referring to the royal we. it was with a woman i just so happened to be secretly in love with who i called Tigger, for her orange hair and exuberant spirit.
..heather..
a year later it would be bleached and replaced with blue, complimenting her soft hues, but hardening her heart. we hung out every day between Denny's and then, and it all hit me at once again as i passed...

its three days to my birthday, and im brought to remember now, how my mother swore till her dying day that she wanted one of those hot fudge cake sundaes, along with a carton of smokes, in her coffin.

pan back one year. about this time, all i can say is dural av fistula and gates.

go back another year. in three days, i would find out my mother had cancer. i didn't even see her on that day: 'i need a day off', and took liberties with the selfishness of my birthday. i promised her i would come to see her, but she was hardly awake anymore. i never saw her again. she died the day following.

funerals are expensive. my father, after getting the most inexpensive casket, a family plot, and services- had no money for an entire carton. besides, she died from lung failure, anyways. so... i got her that sundae. even put it in a Tupperware container so she could have it at her leisure. don't think the funeral director believed my asking for its allowance, until i brought it in and saw her stifle a laugh. suppose there is some humor in death. even as a mortician.
that laugh carried me through the rest of the day. it was just the way my mother affected people. you had no choice but to remember her. to stare a gasp at the absurdity of her. there was never middle ground- love her or hate her.

i was an asshole to her the entire time she was dying. i kept calling her a jackass. i just wanted her to be angry, so she would stop being so weak. she was always at her strongest when angry. i realize now how weak i was. i promised i would be there for her on my birthday. the day before she died. the last day she had. and i squandered it. every promise i made to her before she died i could not sustain. every one. what i would give to get ten years back.

so i pulled over and had myself a good cry. somewhere on the thruway between utica and syracuse, in the company van. gods, i fucking hate my birthday.

blessed are the single minded, for they know nothing of their limits.

recently, i have been comparing my (would-be) love life to that of a Möbius strip. being one-dimensional, it is all inclusive and rather limited- although infinite, paradoxically. it spans within its boarders, trailing endlessly. to exist in one dimensional space would allow travel to any time or location.

and here i am. more correctly, we are. i look to the forward me; and i, we, they look back at who i was, am, and shall be. side by side we sit. we always have. the many things outside this space move around the boarders coalescing and forming, but never permeating or sublimating. the actions of the past/present/future have all been within me, change being something matrons whisper to three dimensional offspring. all within me...

eyes shut, the expanse of my will fills the void. consciousness cascading and parsing itself through me, i feel so endless and open. eyes closed- self reigns and the hammer of subjective paradigm holds no sway. its here that my *self* resides, in this limitless/contradictory vessel, free of the simple carbon strands that bind me to that place which will never be real enough.

allen street








chippewa








hyatts


linwood




our hero- yours truely


SHUTDOWN!




summer

took some pics tonight. ill post em tommorow when i have the time.

oh my god. two days later, and im starting to feel the pain of the pound cheeseburger, onion rings/fries, halfa milkshake, and two sodas i had on monday at cheeburgercheeburger. and that was just for lunch. i think i may have some crazy eating disorder where i just can't get full. has anyone ever heard of such a thing?






then, after you have gorged yourself on bovine gristle, they come out with aformentioned (in image!) pretend burger. they commence to announce your slothenliness to the rest of the diner. there is clapping and the flashing of camerabulbs.

so yeah. doing that, then eating the leftovers of somone elses meal about an hour later- coupled with playing dodgeball till you are sweaty and then standing out in the cold is apparently enough to make me sick for some reason. muscles are sore from coughing.

so what did i do? i took offa work today. i may not be that sick, but id rather take my chances on getting better before i get worse. my boss is cool enough to let me just change my schedual on the fly like that and come in on another one of my days off. so thats what im doing. no way i would be able to work with the combined acid reflux/coughing/sore throat/sore muscles i have today. i can hardly sleep as it is, but im gonna try.

anyone wanna bring me some chiken soup? :P

How does one start a blog? i suppose in this manner:

Hello world, my name is *not* Vycious. So you can call me that fer now. I have been livin in good 'ole Buffalo fer aboot ohhh, my entire life. The past eight years or so, directly downtown. Currently residing in a crappy little efficiency apt. called the mayflower with my familiar- if he can be called that:



yeah. that's him. yoda. that's what he was named.

now how does someone who is an admitted hater of felines come to live with one? well... the simplest answer is: by default.
don't get me wrong, i love the little shedding machine. but not ever, not once, did i ever consider getting one...

digressions aside, its safe to say there will be more about the little furball, later.

lets see.. what am i into?

Generally:
Music, Films, Ergodic Literature, videogames, dancing, wine, beer, some forms of journalism, eccentrics and eccentricity, getting my lazy ass back in shape, bike-riding, metaphysics and other dead religions, the futility of altruism, the exaltation of the self, occasionaly drawing/painting/writing. looking for a backdoor outta this trainwreck that the creator left. oh, and my complete and total ascension into Heaven and usurping of the throne.

hrm. i like to read and have read:
Wicked, Kung Fu High School, Fight Club, Good Omens, Fear &; Loathing, Zen &; the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, All of the CORE Dragonlance Saga, Lord of the Rings Trilogy, anything written by Rollins, the fountianhead, trainspotting, 1984, brave new world, war of the worlds, American Gods, the illuminatus trillogy!, house of leaves, revelations, neverwhere, the necronomicon, the season of passage, the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, the restaurant at the end of the universe, life the universe and everything, solong and thanks for all the fish, young zaphod plays it safe, mostly harmless, and many more...

currently, im forging the world biggest migrane trying to teach myself programming- with the help of enknot. so right now, im reading a quickstart guide to (x)html and css. good times.

as far as music is concerned:
Radiohead, Travis, Postal Service, Bjork, Portisehead, Hawksley Workman, Jeff Buckley, Soul Coughing, Nine Inch Nails, haujobb, wumpscut, marcy playground, ohgr, gorillaz, beatles, morissey, stevie wonder, lamb, esthero, nick cave, depeche mode, james brown, herbert, whale, violent femmes, pixies, seatbelts, rasputina, magnetic fields, aphex twin, the klf, the chemical brothers, mazzy star, sinead o connor, the smiths, morrissey, prick, eminem, the beta band, ella fitzgerald, harvey danger, billy holiday, mindless self indulgence, franz ferdinand, the bloodhoud gang, matisyahu, pulp, louis armstrong, the orb, adam freeland, self, and one, james horner, 5.6.7.8's, combichrist, meat beat manifesto, fatboy slim, system of a down, funker vogt, pigface, infected mushroom, icon of coil, thompson twins, sugarcubes, alien sex fiend, old weezer, eric serra, vnv nation, mr. bungle, the dresden dolls, harvey danger, tears for fears, the strokes, fiona apple, the cranes, gary numan, massive attack, TMBG, fischerspooner, the moonglows, beck, dead can dance, covenant, project pitchfork, dashboard confessional, underworld, snoop dogg, paul simon, siouxsie and the banshees, juno reactor, the pillows, tom waits, sheep on drugs, the psychedelic furs, skinny puppy, supertramp, akira yamaoka, david bowie, the rock*a*teens, old tori amos, tool, pop will eat itself, the boom boom satellites, morcheeba, the white stripes, danny elfman, travis, the police, the cult, the cure, the pogues, johnny cash, yoko kanno, love and rockets, and really too many more to list...

but as of right now, im recollecting the music i lost in a recent hard drive crash. when i refer to this music, i mean almost all of it. roughly 40 gigs worth. remember- internet filesharing supports terrorism and is completely anti-american. Dont forget to back up your files, kids!

for those of you who already have seen my creepy ass on myspace: good for you. and yes, i just copied and pasted all that junk here- but it makes introductions to would be stalkers so much easier, dosent it? i would rather not, but if you must- its here:

me me me.


anyhoo... thats me atta glance. introductions said, perhaps a comfort zone has been established in my wary-ness of blog drama.
more to come when my life gets a little more interesting? maybe some of you could help, eh? im currently looking for some new peeps with positive outlooks on life to influence and inspire me, greatly. any takers?