I might be wrong that I have decided to leave elmwoodstrip. While deleting all my journals, I almost cried.. maybe I loved here so much. But, I realized that I can't deal with feeling betrayed anymore.

Of course, I have also strong sexual desire as well. I always tell people that I like looking at cute boys, even I do sexual joke all the time, even I have been to strip bars a few times as business treatment in Korea. I've used my body for my artwork. Also, I like all type of men as well. I'm from the structuarized business filed background where disgusting politics dance boisterously and I'm old enough to know things better. But, I wasn't talking about these things, I was talking about "respecting another culture, not making fun of another culture with a total different concept and comment". If I saw the picture with a different argument or concept, I wouldn't react like that. I would rather say "what a nice picture, those sushi look so yummy" I couldn't really express what I thought on the argument because I have limited English vocabularies.

As a senior designer in Korea, I'd learned to treat junior designers "being in the middle and giving them reasonable argument" with a respect manner. I know nobody can be perfect in human being. I know I make mistakes all the time and I do overcriticize things all the time. But, if I notice that I was wrong, I always apologize.

It's hard to notice people's voice tone from the online, so there can be a lot of misunderstandings. So, online manner is the most important thing to communicate with other people. I just want to let you know about that.

I've really enjoyed writing and reading your journals here.
But, I'm too sensitive to deal with what has happened to me here.
Sorry.

Soyeon.

That's why I don't want to gain weight. (e:Terry), see..? why I'm so senstive if I put little weight on me.. I want to find things out easily.. ;)

Have to wait for rendering for my video about 4 hours, and it is just a test.. Damn it. I want Tower G5 MAC with a lot of rams so badly.. Especially, if I want to use After Effect a lot, I really need one otherwise I have to live in school. Oh well, it seems like I will use After Effect a lot.. Damn.. Damn..
I want G5 right now.. Good that I have a PC too, so I can use the internet while it is rendering.

So, every time (e:Paul) programmes something new for estrip, he aims me to test the new thing for the site. So, I did it again. I put my cell phone number on the new menu...(the green icon next to yahoo icon).. then, wrote something on the post and sent it to me.. and I got a text message on my cell phone.. Cool!!.. (e:Paul), what is the next programming..? I'm here for you to test everything.. I feel like I am your quality assurance person.

Too busy to think of other things these days.. I'm just having a break now..
Okay.. gotta go back to work.

[inlink]u=marmizo&id=29[/inlink] (e:Marmizo), I like William Wordsworth poem too. I used to love Rene Maria Rilke. Even though my father was a poet (he passed away by sudden car accident when I was 20), I loved to read a lot of western poetry. Perhaps, I was against with him because he disciplined me in a very strict way. I am the oldest daughter of him, and there is no son in my family. For the reason or not, he rasied me as his son. But, I wasn't enough to be his son. As you might guess, I'm an emotional person. Now I understand him much better, but I was too young to follow what he wanted me to in my childhood.

By the way, here is my favorite poem of William Wordsworth. This is a part of his long poem called "Slendour in the Grass". I used this one for one of my video poetry.

Splendour in the Grass

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower:
We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind:
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks though death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

It is the year of Rooster, 2005.

People think that it's the chinese new year, but I think that is wrong. The New Year Day in some Asian countries follows the Lunar Calender and Korea is one of them too. I was thinking why western people call like that way, maybe because there are a lot of chinese people live in this country and China is the biggest country in Asia. Maybe there is something more. Well, Chinese just follow the Lunar Calender... like we do too.

Anyway, it is also the biggest holliday in Korea. My mom emailed me that I should cook the traditional food for the New Year today for myself.. But, I don't think I will. I feel so terrible too because my mom said she feels lonely specially for this new year. I wish I was there for my mom.

Happy New Year to all you guys!

I think I should say good-bye to "Pinback". I'm so addicted to listening to them too much these days. Their musics are soooo great.. but, have to say good-bye to them.. otherwise I can edit my sound for my video.. but, I'm too addicted to them, I can't resist them.. So sad.. They are so good though... It even gives me orgasm... uh.. what can I do..? (e:Robin) is talking to me something, but I can't hear her because I'm putting her headphones... I'm at school to edit video right now.

Sitting on here in my room and listening to Pinback "Grey Machine".

The other morning as soon as I got up, some faint melody was floating in my mind and on my head a little while. But I didn't remember where I heard that song. Perhaps, it just came to touch my unconsciousness from somewhere or my music lists, and then it mixed together as an unrecognizable sound. That could be the sound that I made with my mind and some music that I have been listening.

I don't think I do things anymore like sitting left in my car to finish up listening to my favorite song although I arrive the destination. No more a peace of composure in my heart.. maybe.

It was good to see Ivan and Insoon again yesterday. I went to Cambridge galleries in Hamilton (Canada), where Ivan works as a curator, with Adriane and Arzu. There was a multi-media video installation show opening which is exhibited by a Korean artist whose work is based in Japan and Europe. Ivan emailed me to come up there because it might be a good connection for me. Yeah, I had a good conversation with the artist and she gave me her contact. Cool!! But I can't still have feeling comfortable with that kind of situation.

As soon as I got in the gallery, Ivan found me and gave me a big hug and a kiss on my cheek. I joked him "Snobby Curator" He used to call me "hey! little sister or princess soybean".. (Warning to Elmwoodstrip: I will hate you if you call me princess soybean) Anyway, we collaborated some art performance together a few times. Yea, I guess I get along with him for work.

Leah said at Jay's party last night that I'm Gemini, so I have two minds. So, I told them back that actually I have multi-minds. One mind is at home, one mind is in Korea, one mind is on a dark street, one mind is on a bright street.. Which mind of mine have you seen..? Maybe you haven't seen any of my minds..

Now, I'm sitting here alone at the cafeteria in CFA. This whole building is mine for this moment. Nobody is here. I know Alan is working on his final film at the graduate editing suite. Well, maybe some crazy night owl art students are hiding in their studios or in the dark caves. I always call the graduate editing suite as my dark cave. But, I'm in under the big CFA lights right now.. everything is white here like some mental hospital.

I've been trying to live in this building again. When I used to live in Audubon where is 4 min away by driving, I came up here whenever I wanted. Sometimes I came in the middle of night.. and worked something whatever I felt like..., it was so easy to come up here. But, since I moved in Downtown, this building's gotten too far away from me. I knew that around 4 AM, Janitors turned on their radio and started cleaning up this building. Sometimes we smoked together outside of CFA.

Listening to Pinback's "June" over and over, (This song makes me so sad) and working on video. I made some interesting sound, but I'm not sure where I can use it.. well.. I'm saving for the final piece of something.

I remember, someone used to work at the Conner of this cafeteria with an iBook, and I'm in right next the Conner. I don't even know it is quiet here or not.. because I'm putting on my headphones.

June by Pinback [size=s]<--download the song[/size]

Light flickers in my room
planes flying by
dropping down perfume
blanket out the sky
Wander through the smoke
Grabbing for food
Choking on the air
Might pass out soon

Why do I assume these things are bad, bad,
Burnt down, burnt down?
Bad, bad, burnt down, burnt down?
Why must all those pretty things be sad, sad,
Somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?

Sheep trip over the fence
(Sheep trip over the fence)
Scared animals trample over the bed
Siphoning out my will.
(Sheep trip over the fence)
And it might turn out just like they said,
And it might be even worse in here
Even now

Why do I assume these things are bad, bad,
Burnt down, burnt down?
Bad, bad, burnt down, burnt down?
Why must all those pretty things be sad, sad,
Somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?

It's up to the trees with the fire storm
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
It's up to the trees with the fire storm
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
It's up to the trees with the fire storm
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
It's up to the trees with the fire storm
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?
It's up to the trees with the fire storm

It's up to the trees with the fire storm

I've been editing video for one of my professors.. finally. Then, I can focus on my work. Sometimes, I get feeling bittersweet from finding out unexpected documented video footages of my old friend or someone who was close to me before. I just told my friend (e:Christopher) through AIM, but I lost my AIM service.

(e:Christopher), glad to hear that you finally had spent a lot of time with Kerstin.
I emailed her for her birthday wish, but I'm not sure she got it or not. Hope, I can see you guys over the Summer. Tell Matthias that I might visit you guys sometime this Summer. I miss all you guys. Oh.. Nick told me that Richard is coming to New York from Ireland for his school trip on 7th of March. I might go to see him too.

Germany, I've always wanted to go to visit.. I've told my German friends the reason. I read a novel where the background was Germany when I was a little girl. The window of Orpheus, I read it about 7 times. I still remember the story exactly and imagine every street in the book. Oh, I will go and see there.

Two of my German friends, Matthias and Marc are over 6 feet 7 sh. Very tall.
When Marc held me up, I always joked that the air up there is different from the ground. I still talk to Matthias sometimes, but I lost in touch with Marc. My first semester at UB, three of us were only the international students in one class.
Although we spoke broken English, we understood each other very well. We had really good time all together, went to a road trip with their almost broken car to NYC, went to their German Mafia parties.. Sometimes, we went to French connection party as well. They made the German style thanksgiving dinner. I cook for them a lot too. (Matthias still thinks that I'm the best Korean cook) Matthias and Marc always hid my car key if I drank even one glass. I should've listened to Matthias and Marc when I was thinking of dating somebody for the first time in US. They were suspicious of the guy I was dating at the time. I cried a lot when Marc left for Germany forgood, and 6 months later, Matthias went back to Germany forgood as well.

Now, one of my good friends, (e:Christopher) is there where Matthias and Marc are in Germany. He might be tired of listening to all my depressing stories. But, he cheers me a lot. Of course, he is there because of his girl, Kerstin. I matched them together. Sweet couple.

Oh well, gotta get back to editing video.