I've been out of my mind. Well, I think I am all the time.

I went to homedepot with Robin today.
- Robin has been sick and she seemed little watching my face today because I told her that she is so young by what she was saying to me the other night- Actually, it doesn't really matter to me.

Anyway, while waiting for Robin getting some stuff for her installation, I was looking up at the entrance of the homedepot and imagining people I know coming up to me. There were my co-worker, ex-boyfriends, and my neice and nephew.

Well, I got little sentimental by what I was doing there. I can't see them here in Buffalo. They are in somewhere else right now. We are all alive in somewhere else, but we can't see each other.

My co-worker. I could tell people that I loved him so much but I never told him.
I knew he knew that, but he also never brought it or asked me either.

I kept seeing him coming towards me over and over at homedepot in the priod of times we worked together about 8 years ago. As soon as I got the office, he always called me "Hey Designer, I need this" I always replied him,"hey I need a coffee first" I kind of seemed to ignore him.

I used to call and tell him how tough my life is here in Buffalo when I got here first time. At the time, I felt that I am like a baby. He was very nice to me all the time. Sometimes he entertained something for me with jokes. Ah I miss him so much. I know I loved him.

Well, I need to go to bed right now.. Stop thinking.

SJ

oh no..
we lost one hour again. I was gonna sleep little more.. then I can go to school around 8 pm to do something.

but, I can't go back to sleep again because it is 7:30 pm.. it's not 6:30 pm.
Fuck it.

It always makes me confused.

Hum.

SJ

Well, I was surfing internet and found out a website maintained by North Korea.

It is an on-line card game website, but it's so funny. There are 4 language options on the top menus. Try it to enjoy if you want.

www.jupae.com

I was trying to write something for their bulletin board , but it did't go through.
Oh well.

But, I can't believe my eyes right now.

SJ

There is me.

There is you.

There is nobody.


There is no me.

There is no you.

There is everybody


There is me.

There is no you.

There is memory.


There is no me.

There is you.

There is nothing.


---SJ

Things that I'm involved drive me crazy these days. I had a problem with my car over the spring break. And I had another problem with my cell phone today.
Well, everything is okay now. But, something tells me that if I wouldn't have these things for living in Buffalo, I could be okay..? I don't know.
Well, I haven't called people up that much for a while, but I don't feel comfortable without my cell phone. I have to have it all the time. It's weird, but it makes me feel safe. Well, it doesn't make sense but it makes me feel that way.

I wanted to do my electoric art project about my cell phone. Well, we are doing something about the cell phones. But I had a different idea of that. I think I'm just gonna make a video about it. Hum.

What a lazy girl I am these days. I gotta get over my emotional stress. I was very a workholic when I was in Korea. Only work, work. So, I was very grumpy if I couldn't sleep well. I didn't have enough sleep every day. My mom used to make everybody sure not to wake me up whenever I was in the bed. Everybody had to be very quiet at home because of me. (Sounds like I'm a queen at home, Huh?) I had very a bad insomnia, neckache, and stomacheache from my work. Now, I think my health is pretty okay but I'm becoming too lazy.

Need to get back to work. Be smart all the time..

SJ

Please check it out.

The Elevator Stops Here

"you seem the same as always, and being you, hate every minute of it. Don't Learn to say 'Fuck You' to the world once in a while. You have every right to. Just stop thinking, worring, looking over your shoulder, wondering; doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, gasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, rumbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding, grinding, grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just Do"

---

From Eva Hesse's book.

I've finally got computer fixed. But, I lost all my bookmarks - I had pretty good collections- Also, I need to figure tons of shitty things out such as installing all softwares I need. It will take me long to organize again. Damn it.
Oh well.

It's almost been 10 years. I'm still here with greedy mind, but it is just empty.
I was there with greedy mind, and it was full enough.

A best friend of mine in Korea told me.. everything was my decision. I know that, so I can't look back although it still hurts me.

I'm listening to David Lanz's "a white shade of pale" that makes me feel melancholy and emptiness again.

It's almost been 10 years. I want to start my life just in 1994.. 10 years ago.

do not look back.. but I do.

SJ.

Everybody has blue days.

These are miserable days when you feel lousy.
grumpy,
lonely,
and utterly exhausted.

Days when you feel small and insignificant,
when everything seems just out of reach.
You can't rise to the occasion.

Just getting started seems impossible.
On blue days you can become paranoid that everyone is out to get you. (This is not always such a bad thing.)

You feel frustrated and anxious,
which can induce a nail-biting frenzy
that can escalate into a triple-chocolate-mud-cake-eating frenzy in a blink of an eye!

On blue days you feel like you're floating in an ocean of sadness.
You're about to burst into tears at any moment and you don't even
know why. Ultimately, you feel like you're wandering through life without purpose.

You're not sure how much longer you can hang on,
and you feel like shouting, "Will someone please shoot me!"
It doesn't take much to bring on a blue day.
You might just wake up not feeling or looking your best,
find some new wrinkles,
put on a little weight,
or get a huge pimple on your nose.

You could forget your date's name or have an embarrassing photograph published.
You might get dumple, divorced, or fired,
make a fool of yourself in public, be afflicted with a demeaning nickname,
or just have a plain old bad-hair day.
Maybe work is pain in the butt.

You're under major pressure to fill someone else's shoes,
your boss is picking on you,
and everyone in the office is driving you crazy.

You might have a splitting headache, or a slipped disk,
bad breath,
a toothache,
chronic gas,
dry lips,
or a nasty ingrown toenail.

Whatever the reason, you're convinced that someone up there doesn't like you. Oh what to do, what to dooo?

Well, if you're like most people, you'll hide behind a flimsy belief that everything will sort itself out.

Then you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder,
waiting for everything to go wrong all over again.

All the while becoming crusty and cynical
or a pathetic, sniveling victim.

Until you get so depressed that you lie down and beg the earth to swallow you up or, even worse, become addicted to Billy Joel songs.

This is crazy, because you're only young once
and you're never old twice.

Who knows What fantastic things are in store just around the corner?

After all, the world is full of amazing discoveries,
things you can't even imagine now.

There are delicious, happy sniffs and scrumptious snacks to share.

Hey, you might end up fabulously rich
or even become a huge superstar (one day).

Sounds good, doesn't it?

But wait, there's more!
There are handstands and games to play
and yoga
and karaoke
and wild, crazy, bohemian dancing.
But best of all, there's romance.

Which means long dreamy stares,
whispering sweet nothings,
cuddles,
smooches,
more smooches,
and even more smooches,
a frisky love bite or two,
and then, well, anything goes.

So how can you find that blissful "just sliding into a hot bubble bath" kind of feeling"

It's easy.
First, stop slinking away from all those nagging issues. It's time to face the music.

Now, just relax.
Take some deep breaths (in through the nose and out through the mouth).
Try to meditate if you can.

Or go for a walk to clear your head.

Accpet the fact that you'll have to let go of some emotional baggage.

Try seeing things from a different perspective.

Maybe you're actually the one at fault.
If that's the case, be big eno


ugh to say you're sorry. (it's never too late to do this.)

If someone else is doing the wrong thing, stand up tall and
sa
y,


"That's not right and I won't stand for it!" It's okay to be forceful.
( It's rarely okay to blow raspberries.)

Be pround of who you are,
but don't lose the ability to laugh at yourself.
( this is a lot easier when you associate with positive people.)

Live every day as if it were your last, becasue one it will be.

Don't be afraid to bite off more than you can chew.

Take big risks.

Never hang back. Get out there and go for it.

After all, isn't that what life is all about?

I think so too.