Untitled-

Can I change my mind
did I think things through
It was once my life -
it was my life at one time

Got up early, found something's missing
my only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
and soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second,
then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautiful things.
I forgot that I might need,
to find out what life could bring.

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same.
God won't waste this simplicity on possibility.
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
this trace of blame.
Frozen still I thought I could stop,
now who's gonna wait.

No one's calling for me at the door.
and unpredictable won't bother anymore.
and silently gets harder to ignore.
look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
what's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
just let it go, what now can never be.

Now what do I do
can I change my mind
did I think things through

It was once my life - it was my life at one time.

Just ate my junk food for the week (1/2 chicken finger sub & a piece of pizza) and it was pretty good. Now I feel all bloated and full and probably will for the rest of the day. Sometimes I wonder wy bother but then again its the ability to operate freely and reward myself for a week of solid discipline. Not-to-mention when that Pizza Hut commercial comes on again I won't salivate for hours thinking about greasey food.

Spent another night in the grease factory but this time I got to make pizza, calzones and fish fries. Somebody actually had to show me how to execute the fish fry properly. As if I didn't cook over 400#'s of fish on a Friday when I was in high school. Or how about when I was the chef of one of the casino's restaurants and we served 1100 panko crusted fish fries on Good Friday. Then I start to think about the types of fish I would cook at Mothers. As the poissonuer I would have to take the fish scrape the scales off, skin it and/or remove the head tail,and backbone, remove the pinbones and then portion it. As a sous chef I would have to confer with the chef about what he wanted to do with it then execute sides, crusts, sauces and garnish. What the fuck am I doing??? A close friend tells me to stay with it, pocketing the OTB cash and unemployment until april when it runs out. But I turned down Tsunami for this shit?? Come on dog what were you thinking??? Yeah I did leave Tempo a little burned out wondering if being a chef was a good idea. Wondering if I really had what it takes to be one of the best. I always do this...doubt my abilities.. when the truth is everybody in this city gives me a lot of props and support because I'm very good at what I do. I love going to other chef's restaurants and having them comp my wine or send me a free appetizer just to impress me/make me happy/suck up to me so I put a good word in the community. But this new job is a border line joke. And the job I interviewed for yesterday is run by some idiot with out any vision, talent or ideas about how to run an effective department. I should be interviewing for his job... and all the food comes in 15 pound bags. I think i'd be better off serving hamburgers at Fridays and that probably is where I'll wined up because if a want to be a good manager/owner I need some more front of the house experience. Not to mention the fact that I can continue working on my craft by cooking for my new friends on (e:strip) right???

Oh well, I have an ass load of homework to get done wot this weekend which means I probably won't leave the house until Sunday. Its too cold out anyway for this tropical dude. Maybe I'll go grocery shopping later because my supplies are deleted. I have to observe customer behavior patterns for a marketing paper due Monday evening and what better place to do it than Wegmans. I also have to try to make i to the gym by 6:00 cause it closes at 7:00 and I have to get my shoulders and tri's done.

If Sunday roles around and you don't have anything fun to do I was thinking some of us could get together and head to the Seneca Niagara Casino for some food, fun and drink. They have a new italian and pan-asian place that I want to check out. The place is like Dave & Busters for adults... you put money in and sometimes even more comes out.

Wll anyway I'm wasting away here...so much work so little time. I don't think my humor has come out in this one so next journal I'm gonna bring out the a-game.

With lots of love, MrDT

I met a friend at the gym today. If felt really good to be working out with someone because normally i'm all by myself everyday.

She did a really good job for her first time back in the gym. But more importantly she made the commitment and followed through. WAY TO GO GIRL!!! You have no idea how many times people have made a commitment to me and themselves then not showed up. It takes a lot to walk through those gym doors especially for the first time.

But anyway I got to get back to my oatmeal wth splenda, cinnamon and raisins and my egg whites with one whole egg. I think there are toenails in my Quaker Oats. This is the third time I picked something out of my mouth that was inedible. Although, maybe it is an oat that hasn't been fully removed from te endosperm or something. Anybody know what the hell I'm talkin about here???

With Love,

DT

This is a copy of a letter I sent to a member in response to an e-mail. Its quite vague and in general just of flow of information off the top of my head that I felt during my finance class:

I was thinking about that arguement all day yesterday, as well. Nobody has ever helped me get to the point that I want for free. Nobody has ever given me any advice, except my cousin who owns all the gyms. Everything I know comes from standard principles found in exercise journals, nutritional books and trial and error(and let me emphasize error). I was in a hurry to get to the gym before school and rushing around, to make 3 meals and pack clothes for the day, I was offended by her response and general attidude. I did not handle the situation properly, nor did I have time to. The other guy on line was telling me that he was eating 1500 calories a day. This is dangerously low and he will not be able to keep thia up for a long time (not to mention the binging that will occur inresponse to ketosis and carb depletion). I should have told this guy to go see his doctor immediately for advice!!! Plain and simple because after 2-3 weeks at this intake he will completely deplete all essential nutrients in his body and it will start attacking him. LIke I said, I was running around my house in frantic and really not my usual calm self.

Ok, now to me, what got me into BFL? The extreme desire to turn my physical life around. I felt it was time to get in shape and I have always wanted to look like a Michaelangelo statue. I just started doing it and the affects were immediate so I kept with it. I set specific goals of what I wanted and set a plan of action to change bad habits replacing them with good. After the first twelve weeks I got a trainer and started really learing the form and function of body building.

I always set new goals and redefine them. I write them down in a journal and look them over whenever I feel discouraged. I take pictures/measurements and compare results. I stay focused and disciplined and I get results!!! Certains times of the year call for different things. Right now I'm in a cutting phase so I watch every calorie going in and every calorie I expend. Over Christmas I was bulking up so I ate about at about 70% of this strictness. I've been a glutton my whole life eating on a whim, abusing drugs, and consuming large amounts of alcohol. This the time of my life where I really have to start again because I value my life and I have to learn how to take better care of myself. I love pizza, ham, bread and butter. They won't get me to my goals... So I eat very limited amounts of it and only on special occasions or celebrations.

I read a few of your stories. You have a shitty past. You have to let it go. You can't do anything about it and stop using it as an excuse. Today is the first day of the rest of your life!!! I was abused physically and mentally my entire life. I didn't have many friends going up not to mention the problems my mother(mental illness) and father(always working/bankrupcy) had. Then my mom split and it crushed me. I could go on and on. Many problems I have stem from the lack of nurturing needed to develop into full adulthood. Now that I have recognized this I have learned to self sooth and don't rely on eating or buying these to make me feel better. I have turned this negative into a positive through self-actualiztion. You are very similiar but I think you need a push. I also have a thyroid problem so don't come at with that (or hyperglycemic). ALot of the people in BFL are a lot worse off that you and I and have suffered greater losses than you and I could ever imagine, such as the loss of children. They worked through adversity and became champions.

THis is why I am such a supporter of the program. While it may be vague on overall nutiritonal and physical information it provides a platform scientifically proven to be VERY effective. By following the system, journalizing it you will learn more about your true level of capabilties and you will be successful if you believe in yourself and follow a plan. Its not just for people who want to lose weight. BFL is also good for people who have weight gaining goals.

I'm totally missing finance right now so I have to go. I'll post this on EStrip. FOr everyone and hopefully next time I get down to this I could include some real information about my history and success on the program.

As the name BFL suggests you will be propelled to build your best self ever for life.

With lots of love, MrDT

OK, there you have it. More to come soon. I forgot to talk about the most important part --- This is not a fad diet but a wat of living!!! WHen I officially try to win the Body for Life Compition again I will post my daily journals and workout logs. I am currently working out everyday but I hit goals so much faster when Utilize the tools prescribed by Bill Philips in his book/program Body For Life.

DT

I've been thinking about posting a few ways that could help us all become a little healthier this year. although, after this afternoons chat with a few members i wonder if people really care what someone else thinks. i've done a considerable amount of research in the past year reading about nutrition, exercise, athletic conditioning and body building. i'm slowly becoming a health nut but years from now i'll feel so much better than i would had i not become neurotic about wellness.

Last year I joined the fight against obesity so I'm sorry if it feels like I'm preachin' too much about it. My ultimate goal is wellness and I believe in the law of universal recriprocation, meaning my ultimate success is dependent helping others.

I won't hurt you, I just want to help.







With love once again,

MrDT

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

Neon heart day-glow eyes
A city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
For people like us

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Don't look before you laugh
Look ugly in a photograph
Flash bulbs purple irises
The camera can't see

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

(cut)

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Time...time...time...time...time
Won't leave me as I am
But time won't take the boy out of this man

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for others steal
Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily

---U2, City of Blinding Lights
From How to Dismatle an Atomic Bomb

Sitting here again wondering why I gave up the bottle and the pipe. it seems that those were my only connections to human kind. nobody calls me to smoke anymore.
i prefer the gym everyday, though. wouldn't have it any otherway. i think i'm past the point of needing to have a lot of friends. it doesn't seem to matter anymore. and if all else fails i'm in grad school now so i'm sure i'll meet a few people that will share my interests and not looking to hook an eight ball.

rehabbing was tough. for those of you who think smoking or drinking or snorting is okay because you're still young i think your crazy and blind to what you are doing to your body and mind. it took me over five years to kick every addiction i had aquired from my late teens and let me tell you it was ugly.

im all good now. i do worry about the effects that my troubled youth will have on me sometimes. but i can't go back and change it--- not that i would want to. i just have to go on and encourage people away from the road of excess.

well this is my first blog and let me say i think its fun sharing my thoughts with some of you. i love to crank nasty sexy dance music allnight long, workout everyday (sometimes twice), cook(professionally) and study very hard in MBA progam at Canisius. i don't drink, smoke or eat much junk food anymore but i still know how to have fun.

does anybody go to raves anymore?

love u all, MrDT ;)