Here are the things I wish I did more of/should do more of:

- Run (like I used to, like, really run)
- Wash my face before I go to bed
- Shave my legs (yeah, gross, but I'm always feeling rushed in the morning)
- Sleep
- Read
- Relax
- See my friends
- See my family
- See my dogs and cat-nephew
- Go to Target

Here are the things that I do too much of/take up all my time:

- Show Choir
- Buffalo Choral Arts which I hate
- The musical
- My job
- My job
- My job
- Worry about things like this
- My job

The point is...I hate this month. And I hate that when I think about my life, I don't think I do anything that I actually want to do when it comes down to it. That is not entirely true, but sometimes it feels like it. I don't sleep enough. I don't see people I love enough. I hate December. I just feel so busy. I think I almost had an anxiety attack in rehearsal tonight. I went to the allergist yesterday and my blood pressure is actually up. I don't think that's ever happened to me, EVER.

Bottom line...I need to calm the f$%&#$%& down, and start getting some more things on that first list to be priorities.

And I hate Sean Avery.

Is it sad that sometimes I think I'm happier when I'm single? I think there's no question in my mind that in the two post-breakup time periods of my life, I was really happy - obviously after the initial sadness. One of the main differences for me is that when I'm not single, I feel this need to spend tons of time with my significant other. And this is mainly coming from pressures within, not pressures from him. This was a trend with my last two boyfriends. See, I'm pretty sure that my second boyfriend totally screwed me up psychologically and to this day I still have no idea why I dated him. I must have felt pretty bad about myself. When I was with him, I was totally insecure and constantly felt like I had to impress him and be with him, in case he "forgot" about me or moved on. Of course when we were dating I didn't realize that these were the reasons why. It was like for almost two years, I don't know what I was thinking. This guy was such a jerk to me and yet I thought all the stupid, mean things he did were some weird way of showing affection.

It seems like, since I know enough to admit these things and ackowledge that these feelings may be coming from a previous relationship and definitely wouldn't be the same way this time around, that I would be able to change. But I really don't feel like I have. I just spend a lot less time hanging out with my friends than I used to, and it's sad to me, and something I need to do something about (other than write a post about it). I spent a lot of time away from my apartment when I was there, I spend a lot of evenings just hanging out instead of going out, it's like this rare occasion that I go out of my house in the evening to hang out. And maybe it's because I live out in the burbs now, but that's not a good excuse. I just have this weird anxious feeling about like...leaving, I guess. It's so awful. I'm really quite ashamed and embarassed about it.

And the thing is, Cory has never once said to me "don't go out with your friends, why don't you stay here with me, I hate when you leave" or anything even close to that! Maybe it's that he doesn't hang out with other people very often, either, and I feel guilty leaving him. I guess that could be a part of it. Apparently when I start dating people, I end up being their best friend as well as girlfriend. And I DO love spending time with him...it's not that I hang out with him out of guilt.

So, I think now that I've acknowledged this issue, it's time to figure out what to do about it. Doesn't seem like it should be all that hard, but who knows. The option of being single again is not there, haha, so I need to figure out how to change my thinking and start doing what will make me just as happy as I know I've been before.

Oh and ps...





KITTY

So the other day I was watching a Star Trek 8: First Contact (I know I'm the coolest...). Anyway, there's this very short part of the movie where Captain Picard and a random character are on the Holodeck thing and they're dancing and this random girl cuts in on them and tries to kiss him and all this stuff. The girl was in the movie for maybe two minutes. Anyway I TOTALLY RECOGNIZED HER FROM THE SAVED BY THE BELL EPISODE WHEN SCREECH GOES TO THE CHESS CHAMPIONSHIPS WITH HIS LUCKY BERET. She played the annoying girl from Valley who pretended she was a reporter and then stole the lucky beret. I'm pretty sure that and Star Trek are the only two things this girl has ever done. I was SO PROUD of myself for noticing it was her and rejoiced greatly but Cory just told me I was a huge dork. But I happen to find my excessive knowledge of and superior ability to spot Saved by the Bell references a great gift.

How is it Friday again and I only worked out once this week?!?!?!?!?!?!?!! :(

I went to the vet with Max today and while he was getting his pre-operative bloodwork, I stumbled upon this book in the lobby. After about two pages I was doubled over in uncontrollable silent laughter, and not long after that, tears were streaming down my face. The girl at the desk thought I was upset about something. I found this book on Amazon and I think I might buy it for everyone I know.

I have to spend the weekend with (e:Anne) watching my cousins. It's only Saturday afternoon, and we have both come to the conclusion that we are NEVER EVER EVER EVER having children. I mean, seriously give me one good reason. There are enough people in the world. Children are expensive. By the time I retire I will have had hundreds of students aka children I am somewhat responsible for. I enjoy sleeping and weekends. The only reason I may feel bad about not having children is that my parents may never have grandchildren, but is that really a good reason to have children? Seriously. Call me selfish but I am NEVERRRRRRR having children.

I got a kitty. He was a stray. My friend found him while she was camping. His name is Maximus. I don't like cats, and I will never claim to be a cat person. Yet somehow in the last year, I have met two cats whom I have very fond of. Strange world.

So Google is constantly evolving and dazzling and amazing me. But this is crazy! I was browsing some addresses on Google Maps and I found out that not only when you google an address, it gives you a street view of the address...




But now if you click where it says Street View, you can look at a picture of the house and the entire street!




How freakin cool! I looked at my parent's house and it has my parents newest car, so the pictures must be somewhat recent. Go check it out!

(Apologies to 24 Linwood for stalking you) :)

I just spent awhile going through a bunch of old random stuff...always a good time. Anyway I just found this random thing titled "Best Friends Dictionary" and it includes a variety of MK and Mike inside jokes, many of which I probably won't remember. I have no idea when this is from but I'm guessing sometime during college. This will probably not interest any of you except Mike and myself, but read if you'd like :)

A - Alarm clock, Andie, Alice in Wonderland, A LOT
B - Becky the duck, Banana-shaped runts, Behind Closed Doors, Ben Who-fleck?, Bring it On, the Beach, Brave Little Taylor
C - Chicken Lady, Crotchlets, Cats, Cuz it'll be cheap, CTCW, COOL COOL COOL (added today)
D - Diamond Men, Dawson's, Dazed and Confused, Drinking out of tiny water bottle caps
E - Eastern Hills Mall, End of the Road, Early morning lab, Eddie Murphy movies
F - Frogs, Five - When the Lights Go Out, Finders Keepers, Following Lilo
G - Georgia, Gap, Good Day Live, Grape Bubble Yum, Goo Goo Dolls show
H - Hootie hootie, Harry Potter, Handicapped people, "Holy crap I hate when I do that", Holly Hunter (I threw in Holly today. It had to be there.)
I - "If you go down...", I'm sorry Aunt Rhody, If you don't stop, I hope you dance
J - Jessie's Song, Joey Lawrence and other $1 cds
K - Kelsey's, Keep on where you gettin them colors? (I really have no idea what that is)
L - Laura!, Leg lab, Life (the game), Licking random things, Lurid
M - Metal Pit, Missy Blamire pj's, Missy's the poo, Martin Luther King Day
N - Nick W., 9 - 10, "No" (would you ever kiss me), Naked Spot customer pics
O - Ooge, Object of my affection, Overalls, One Moment in time, Online stalkers, Orange chicken, Orange sunglasses
P - Psychiatrist, Pie Day, Passions, Photos of my Wales trip, Pumpkin
Q - Q-pon or Coupon?
R - Rainstick, Restrained, Rufus
S - Smoochy is a smoocher, SBTB, Stopping behind parked cars, Stamp experiments, Shake table, Spot
T - Tully's, Toilet paper in Spot (what?!?!?!?), Tennis, "That would be great".
U - Used worksheets and folders you never throw away, Uncle Farank
V - Violent Cabbage Patch dolls
W - Who that is, With or Without you, Wow you need a boyfriend
X - seX talks
Y - "You can hear my poop a block away"
Z - Zackberry, Zack and Lisa

Oh man what a great trip down Memory Lane. It must not have been that long ago since Good Day Live was during college. There's a lot I can't remember but so many of them made me l.o.l. Good times!!!!!!

Hi everyone. I guess it actually hasn't been THAT long since I posted but it feels like a long time. (e:Mike) 's entry made me feel like a bad person since I haven't updated! I'll try harder next time. I just got back from six weeks of living in Chicago working on my Master's. I'll be back the next two summers. The program was really awesome and I learned soooo much stuff. But I missed lots of things here so it was nice to come home. I'm currently being a bum, avoiding school planning as long as possible. I slept in till 11:30 today. Holy crap, that is late. Anywhoooo...what a boring entry, but I feel a little better since I used to be a fairly avid poster (ha) and I have slacked off for toooooo long. BYE!