Warning!! This is long and personal and probably won't interest 99.9999% of all people who may come across it.


In the light of the new year, I was looking back on my older entries at this point last year and my resolutions and stuff. I feel like I've changed a lot since this same time last year, and I guess generally also that my life has changed. Lots of things I thought were going to happen either aren't going the way I thought they would or just aren't happening at all...and I guess some things that were unexpected happened too. I made some weird decisions at the beginning of this semester that right now I am regretting somewhat. Nothing crazy personal...just that I'm delaying truly being a college graduate until next December. I didn't have to have it this way, but I looked at my choices and I decided to take a different plan, and graduating late was one of the consequences. And although I had justified it in my head and to others, I started to get the idea that it was the wrong choice. But at that point it was too late to change what I'd decided. It feels as though I've changed my mind about a hundred different things since last September...grad school, student teaching, how I want to spend this next semester, where I want to live. I feel like I can't make a firm decision about most things. I've reached this part of my life that's unlike anything I've ever encounted before. And I generally feel like I'm not handling it well. I can't seem to get over the fact that I messed up my plan for school, that I'm not graduating in May like everybody else. I feel this odd guilt and unease about it. And I absolutely hate it. Lots of people stay longer in school. Who cares? It's an education. And rather than taking this next semester off, I decided that I'm going to take advantage of some time and take a few more classes. And I should be happy about this. I'm going to be doing some things that will hopefully look great for grad schools and just make me a much more knowledgeable person in my field. But still I feel guilty. And I don't really understand. I just have this nagging feeling like I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. I mean I did mess up. I didn't get things finished in time. But now it's come to the point where I need to accept that, and I need to accept the fact that I made my own choice to take this extra time. Regret is something that seems totally absurd to me, but maybe this is what I'm feeling. I thought that no choice could really be the wrong choice. But that's not really ringing true lately. I just know that I'm not completely content. I'm not satisfied with everything. I feel this strange guilt, this anxiety, just a general feeling that I'm either wasting time or wasting money. And I guess that is just how I feel, despite everything else I tell myself or hear from others. And while I've talked about it with a couple people, it's obviously not changing. I mean, maybe it's a matter of who I'm talking to. I don't really tell my parents these feelings, and maybe it would be best if I did, since for some reason, they are the ones that I am thinking about when I say I feel guilty...which is ridiculous because they have never once told me that we can't afford more schooling or that I made a bad choice. They have always supported me and never given me any indication that I'm not doing the right thing. I suppose by getting a good GPA the past couple semesters has helped that also. So maybe being more honest with them may help me. It seems obvious that I need to take this energy that I have, this anxiety and frustration and make it positive. I don't want these bad feelings to stop me from doing OTHER things that I need to accomplish. Frankly I'm just going to drive myself crazy otherwise and probably make myself sick. I was all upset last night and didn't get enough sleep and I feel so drained and exhausted today. And last night wasn't the first night I've gotten upset, and probably won't be the last. I've never had an anxiety attack before this year and this semester I've had several. And they are not fun...to say the least. Leading a lifestyle of being upset and depressed and no sleep isn't exactly what seems ideal. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to just DO things, and to deal with myself, and to take care of myself. It seems like the most obvious and easy thing in the world to just turn everything around. I have no choice but to make everything better in the long run. "You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails." Some teacher I have ends all of her emails with that. I don't know why I just thought of it.
I guess I'm sort of losing track of where I was going. Well maybe I wasn't really going anywhere. I guess this was just some sort of way to organize my thoughts. Writing stuff out doesn't necessarily make me feel better...I guess it just seems to be a release. Some other way of talking to people, maybe. I have way too many thoughts. My mind is always racing a mile a minute, especially when I am just sitting or lying quietly with no other distractions. I always seem to think of more and more stuff. I don't think that's a problem except for when my mind keeps getting drawn to negative thoughts. And I stopped keeping a journal, mainly because I lost it at school. Maybe it's time I got another one. While I don't mind writing here, it's not the same thing. I generally hate when people write endlessly long entries about this stuff so I wouldn't want to be the kind of person who does that all the time. But once in awhile I don't feel bad about it at all. I know a few people who sometimes choose to share their deepest emotions with totally random people. I always thought that was interesting. I'm not usually like that, but maybe a change would be okay.

....


In case I don't update before...Happy New Year!

mike makes good food and good slideshows.

: )

merry christmas eve eve everyone!

[size=l] HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAST!!!!!!!!!! :) [/size]
wish I was there...ahh I will be home in a couple weeks...and then party time?


p.s. Mike did you give away a big part of Finding Neverland in your entry??? I really want Mighty Taco now. I'm conducting in a concert today and hopefully I won't be terrible but you never know.