First of all I slept in until 9:30 today. I realize to some of you that is not late at all, but I thought about and 9:30 is FOUR HOURS after I normally get up.

I also completed my first entire week of teaching on Friday. The first two weeks were all four day weeks, but this one was complete. Believe me I felt it. The whole week I've only gotten about 5 hours of sleep per night, so I was ready to sleep in. School is getting better in some ways, but I have a long way to go before I really get the hang of it. By a long way I mean like years. Ha. I don't expect to master the art of teaching at JFK, but I can improve on many things.

Last night was Fredfest. For those that don't know, that's a festival in Fredonia with a concert/carnival thingie and a lot lot lot of drunk people. Really it's all about the drunk people. I chose not to go, mostly because I spent 4 days in Fredonia last week, and also because I really just hate being there. People invited me to go but I know if I went, that HEwould probably be there and it would just make me uncomfortable and upset, especially if I was drunk. (I almost capitalized it to say "He" but then I realized that would look like I was talking about Jesus and I don't think Jesus would be at Fredfest). I saw him WAY too much that weekend. But I'm actually kinda grateful. Because I saw him so much, I really got to take a look at who he has become, and hear what other people think of him - not just my friends who would naturally tell me mean things about him, but others. They tell me he has become a pretentious SOB who walks and talks like he is the greatest thing. In other words, he thinks he's too cool for school. Whenever we would see each other at a recital or something, I refuse to be the first to initiate conversation, which means we wouldn't talk unless we were standing right to each other, because HE doesn't walk up to you, YOU walk up to him. He's too great for you NOT to. Anyway these are the combination of my observations as well as other people's thoughts. The two of us actually ended up hanging out with a bunch of other people on Friday night, and it plain old just sucked. I actually had to get up and go for a walk because I just couldn't stand being in the same room with him any longer. I don't think he could have appeared any less interested in what I was saying or made a bigger production out of himself, telling funny stories or jokes to make it seem like he was the funniest, best thing in the world.

So even though it sucked, at least now I know that I can be around him and really see him for what he is now and not what he used to be. And I hate being around him so much that I won't even try and act like I enjoy it or would attempt to hang out ever again. I may never even see him again. While I have mixed feelings about that last statement, I know that I will be totally and completely fine. Just being away from it all this past week has really made me feel better about everything. Separating myself from the past is really the best.

All of that actually isn't the reason I started writing about Fredfest. I was just going to say that it made me a little sad that no one called me from Fredonia to even see if I was hanging out. I did get one text message during the day from a friend I haven't seen since like January. We talked about hanging out this weekend because she would FINALLY be in fredonia. But I knew it would be in my best interest to stay away from the festivities. I do wish a teeny bit that people would have called to see where I was, but oh welllllllllllllll...

And ANYWAY if I had gone to Fredonia I would have missed Stick It!!! (e:Mike) and (e:Jill) I'm sure you did your hardest tricks but I hope you controlled them. ps I actually went to a movie and DIDN'T get popcorn. I don't think this has ever happened before. Let's go to another movie very soon so I can get popcorn! WITH LOTS OF BUTTER!

Have a good weekend everyone

happy birthday mo!!!! :)

i had a good day at school today...it must be because of your birthday...!

i'm sick of writing sad entries but i feel the need...i'm sorry.

so being in buffalo is really great. i'm enjoying living at home, i'm making money, teaching is...well...teaching, whatever. i barely think about fredonia or anything that happened there recently because it is just not a part of my life anymore and i'm so separate from it. and it's great. i enjoy the brief visits once in awhile but that's it.

i've been in fredonia since thursday night, at rehearsals and recitals and stuff. it is just cheaper to stay rather than drive here and back every day. well while it may be cheaper, it is certainly not worth it emotionally. i really really just want to get the hell out of here and go home. this is all because last night i hung out with my ex for the first time since december. i mean there were a bunch of us around but he was there. we were all drinking and eating barbecue and it felt just like the way it used to...with the obvious and enormous difference that we aren't together anymore. and while i thought i could handle it, i couldn't. granted i had 4 beers as well, which i originally thought might help the situation but it might it worse. i actually got up and left in the middle of while we were eating to go for a walk around the block and cry. and then when i came back it was jsut the same. it was like he didn't even notice that i had left. i'm sure he knew why i did. but he didn't say anything or act like he cared at all. and ya know what, he probably doesn't care. because he is in fredonia all the time. he has made a bunch of friends and hangs out with those people all the time. he's made new memories at fredonia and is probably having a great time. but for me, when i come back to fredonia, it's like i never left. i pick up right where i left off ion december, which was, well, terrible. it is so unfair. he is fine. i'm not. i don't even LIKE him anymore. but it is so hard to look at him because all i see when i look at him is all the memories that we made together. to think that we meant so much to each other, and now it's all over and we essentially have no significance in each other's lives anymore. how sad is that. i don't know. it just makes me miserable. i should never have come here and tried to act like everything was fine because it obviusly isn't, as my eyes are spilling over with tears just writing this. and now i'm going to be forced to see him again at a million recitals today. and i don't want to. i would be totally fine if i never saw him again. i wish he was graduating and going back home to be far away from me.

i can't can't can't can't wait until time has passed and i will be okay with everything. but i'm not okay at all. i have thought about nothing else but him since i woke up. why ami like this???? ok i have to stop writing or i will be a basket case. i want to go home so bad.

i am updating from the apple store. i love it in here. i pretty much drool over everything. i can't wait till my computer at home bites the dust and i'm forced to buy a fancy expensive apple computer. i think i'd want a laptop but maybe not...mmmm i love these computers. and i love not having school this week. :)

I'm offiically on spring break from school. Well ok in about 16 minutes I will be. Thank goodness. I am really hoping to use this week productively and really do some good plans and regroup and figure out what I need to do to make the rest of the year go smoothly. Every day there are good and bad things. It is just so hard because I don't know the kids. I would love to be able to joke around with the choruses, because I think that would start establishing a good relationship and they would connect to me etc. But I'm sort of naturally not that funny or spontaneous. And all my friends know I'm awful at telling stories. So I kind of just, play and they sing. Or talk to their friends and are generally rude, haha. What am I saying,. I'm bavbbling. I am really tired. On each of my free periods today I had 8th and 7th grade girls hanging around my classroom. Now, it's true that I'm trying to be cool and get to know the kids but holy heck are they crazy. One of them left her lunch tray here. Gross.

Wow all I talk about is teaching. and i dojt know how to end this my mind totally just wandered for about 10 minutes. I forget where I was even going with this entry. Well, happy Easter and I can't wait to eat candy. (e:Mike) let's have a chip and dip party sometime!

I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like the worst teacher in the world. Today I burst into tears as soon as my last class left. I do not want to be that person that cries after a lesson doesn't go well. But when you have four days in a row of teaching and you don't feel like ANY of them were 100% or even 80% successful, it makes you feel pretty terrible about yourself.

I know that I am coming in in the middle of the year to a classroom where the teacher before me was respected and liked a lot. The students are used to a routine. I know that I'm young and that this is my first week of teaching. I am too hard on myself. But I basically stink right now. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have NO control, but there's moments when it's pretty close. I cannot find the fine line between being mean and being nice, and so far I'm leaning way too close towards being too nice and too lenient. But I'm so not used to being mean or being bitchy. I don't WANT to create an environment like that. This is music, it's supposed to be fun and I want kids to look forward to coming here. But I'm letting them literally walk all over me...getting up from their seats without being asked, blatantly talking or doing other work while we're in the middle of rehearsal. And I know a lot of that is probably my fault. I wasn't totally prepared to teach the 7th graders today...I hadn't staged out word for word what I was going to say...and therefore it was a bust. They didn't care, they were fooling around, and I was flustered. And it was even a shortened period.

I just feel so awful about myself right now. And if I don't do something about it soon, I'm going to lose these kids for the rest of the year. I hate you Fredonia and your lack of ability to teach me how to direct a choir. There I go blaming someone else. I hate to bitch and moan but frankly that's all I can think about. Now I get to look forward to a weekend of planning an entire week of lessons that probably won't go well anyway.

I have let people walk all over me my whole life. I know it won't change unless I do something about it, the trouble is, I don't know exactly what to do. It's not like I don't know what I'm talking about or that I'm a person who normally doesn't get along with people. I'm just too goddamn nice and tolerant. With everything. Even with asshole ex-boyfriend. I am so sick and tired of being walked on, and I've got to do something to stop it or it never will... :(