i am sitting in the string room at kenmore west listening to the boy's chorus rehearsal and it makes me want to cry. i'm not even in the same room and i can just hear their voices being slaughtered by bad technique and bad repertoire. how does this man STILL teach chorus here? do administrators actually go to any concerts? how did i possibly make it out of this high school ACTUALLY still wanting to teach music? i don't have a strong desire to work in this district but if they offered me the ken west job i would take it in two seconds just so i could make up for the terrible choral and vocal tradition that has been established here. : (

So I'm offically the new chorus/vocal teacher at JFK high school from April until June. I will be teaching high school chorus, a high school theory class, 6th, 7th and 8th grade chorus and 7th grade general music. How crazy. I was really excited and I still am but I can't believe I will have a real job. I'll be like responsible for all these kids. I know they liked me when I came in to rehearse them and hopefully they won't start to hate me. Oh well as long as I get my paycheck. haha j/k.

p.s. I THINK THE SCHOOL DAY STARTS AT 7:20. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. THAT PROBABLY MEANS I HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE AT 6:30. THAT MEANS I HAVE TO GET UP AT LIKE 5:30. KILL ME!

In other news, Kenmore Middle School still smells the same. I can't really describe the smell but it brings back lots of memories and makes me feel like I'm 12 again. Which is bad when you're supposed to be a responsible teacher. And frankly who wants to feel like they are 12?

Supposedly, scent is the strongest of the five senses as far as triggering memory or familiarity.

Ummmm...not much else to say. In a little over a week I will be 23 years old. Oh, my. That just sounds WAY too young for a teacher. Aren't all teachers at least 50 or older...??

and oh yeah, happy spring!

Well today is my first day as the substitute string teacher at KMS. All I've done so far is taught 3 lesson groups. I have one more and then orchestra. I hope orchestra isn't a disaster, haha. I enjoy middle school but they can be really crazy, especially when there's a substitute. I hope I don't have to lay the smack down. Tomorrow I'll be at West. It's an every other day thing, so I'll be at KMS next MWF and West on TR. How weird being a teacher where I was a student for so long.

I'm totally flying by the seat of my pants with these lessons. I've never taken a single string pedagogy or methods course. I'm glad I came in and watched her teach for a little while so I would have some small grasp of what to do. It's funny because I technically am certified to teach instrumental lessons but wow I hope no one would ever hire me to do so. I would have to be PRETTY desperate

I've noticed a severe lack of updating from certain individuals who may reside in Syracuse and/or Boston...

Happy St. Patrick's Day eve, everyone!

Wow the website seriously took 5 minutes to load. I love dial-up.

I'M A TEACHER!!!!!! Officially. Well basically officially. More on that later because it's cold in my basement and my fingers might get frostbite.

Had a fun adventure yesterday, a marathon hangout session with some of the crew, well pretty much everyone who isn't in another zip code (except for Yo). I don't like when you're with a group of people and something slips that you aren't supposed to know about and then it is awkward!!! But I digress. I took pictures yesterday like a dorkwad and I will post those sometime too. My USB connection is upstairs and I'm too lazy to go get it. I saw the biggest strawberry I've ever seen yesterday and today my mom cut it up and ate it as part of a milkshake. I was a little sad that it was gone. But the milkshake WAS quite tasty.

I sent in my registration for the Buffalo State Bengal 5K Run and Fun Walk on March 25! MY FIRST RACE!! I hope we (me and my friend Nicole) are two of the first 400 participants cuz then we get a shirt and the shirt is really the only reason I'm doing it.

Okay, not really. Since I've graduated I have such a new-found love for running. It's like, I finally GET it. I can run for a long time without stopping and/or getting discouraged. It took me a long time to get this way when I run. I am still very slow...I probably won't even check my time when I finish the race...I just want to do it! It really is true that running is 90% mental and 10% physical. Granted, I don't run marathons so I can hardly call myself a runner. I don't know what you have to do to officially call yourself a runner...maybe you have to have a certain mileage per week. Anyways, I think everyone should try running. It is so therapeutic - good for your heart and your mind and your body - provided you don't injure yourself by straining or pushing yourself too hard. Cross-training is always good too...swimming and walking and biking etc. But nothing beats a good run for me. :)

How do you know when you have really gotten over someone?

I gave up junk food for Lent. It's been 2 days now and I totally am okay with it. I imagine it will become difficult sometimes, but I feel pretty good about it. Some people may think it's hard to figure out what exactly is junk food, and I agree. I'm basically being more strict than lenient about it, in that I'm more apt to label something junk food than not. The only exception will be my birthday...I know that's bad but it' sjust how it has to be. I will need to have at least one piece of cake.

So the past couple days have been very career-oriented for me. I was called back for a second interview at an elementary school in West Seneca. I was pretty nervous and flat out didn't know the answer to a question - but I was honest with them about the fact that I didn't know! I figured they would rather me say "well to be totally honest I really don't remember and I wouldn't want to give you a long answer that is just plain wrong!" I was interviewed by 5 people, including the principal, the current pregnant music teacher and 3 other teachers. They had very good pokerfaces. Anyway, so I got chosen as one of the final 2 to be observed teaching a lesson.

I taught a lesson on listening to and performing rounds to a 4th grade class. Overall the lesson was pretty good, I felt all right about it. When I was finished I had to go write an essay and reflect on the lesson. These people are freakin ridiculous.

So I got a call from the principal last night, calling to tell me that I did a great job and the decision was very, very difficult and they basically could have flipped a coin, but they chose the other candidate.

Oh, well. It was the first job I've applied or interviewed for. I was disappointed for like, 10 minutes, and not because I want the job so badly, but because I got so close to it that it's hard to be rejected. But in all honesty and I'm not just saying this because I didn't get it, I really didn't feel comfortable in the school. The principal was kind of a weird guy, the music teacher, while she was very nice and a great teacher, had like zero personality. And in general it just didn't feel like a place I would fit in or look forward to going to.

I DID get a call from another school I interviewed with and they would like me to teach a lesson next Friday! This is a high/middle school job. I'm really looking forward to it. I definitely felt a lot more comfortable when I went and interviewed for that position. I think I'm more in the mindset of teaching upper level music. Elementary music is nice and all but I think I'm up for a bigger challenge. So wish me luck for that...hopefully it will work out! I really miss being in the classroom...and money would be nice, too... :)











Look at that director's face. SING THIS VOWEL LIKE THIS! I love choral directors and the ridiculous things they do.

UGH! I hate when the Internet freezes and I lose my whole post!!!!

Well it's official! Today is the day that I'm turning over a new leaf. I was telling (e:Mike) tonight over our delicious food at Gabriel's Gate that I'm ready to start the next phase of this getting over a relationship thing. I'd like to call that phase, fuck you you're stupid and an idiot and not worth any of this pain and everyone has convinced me beyond a doubt that i'm better off without you and now i actually believe it. That's a long title. But anyway, I'm really serious about this...I think. I am not going to let any of what's happened make me sad anymore. I won't feel nervous and sad when I go to Fredonia anymore. SCREW THAT SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!! :) Sorry for my foul language. But I am just ready to break free of this crap and show the world that I'm so much better. Actually the world already knows. Why did I stay with someone who was such a loser? Even (e:Mike) didn't like him. And frankly that's a top priority. That should have sent me some signals right there folks. So IT STARTS TOOOOOOOODAY!!!!!!!! He's off my buddy list. That is a big step. I guess I could take him out of my phone but that seems lame because it's not like I don't know his number. But maybe I will anyway? What does everyone think???

p.s. This is the message I just copied to lots of people on my buddy list declaring my new outlook:

I HAVE DECIDED THAT I AM A GREAT PERSON AND THAT I'M SO MUCH BETTER OFF NOW THAN I WAS BEFORE AND I RULE AND WHEN I COME TO FREDONIA I WON'T BE SAD OR NERVOUS I WILL JUST BE HAPPY AND LOVE EVERYONE BECAUSE I RULE AND I DON'T NEED ANY MORE BULLSHIT!!!!!!!

Just wanted to remember that. In the words of Kevin Spacey...I rule!

Why is it that I waste so much of my valuable time and energy thinking/talking/crying about this stupid person who is now my ex-boyfriend, who broke up with me for reasons that I still don't know (and probably never will), broke my heart and made me feel worse than anyone ever has? WHY? I am surrounded by people who appreciate me for who I am, who love me, who would do anything for me. I'm so damn lucky. Yet every morning when I wake up, and every night before I fall asleep, and every spare minute of the day, my thoughts go back to one stupid person.

I know that I'm the better person. And I'm not just saying that...EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talked to about it afterwards confided in me that the whole time I dated this douchebag, they thought he treated me badly and controlled me and was downright mean to me. They honestly told me I was better off without him. And I know it's true. He is the most emotionally immature person I've ever met. He's unromantic, insensitive, thoughtless, etc. And sadly, I would have told you the same thing when we were dating. Why on earth did I stay with him then? Why didn't I DUMP HIM? For God's sake, he took pretty much every opportunity he could to remind me that I hadn't exercised on a given day and that I might be getting fat. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT. First of all, I'm not fat. Like, I could DEFINITELY stand to get rid of some flab (WHICH I am doing...yay running...I'm running better now than I ever have before), but I am not fat. Yet he basically convinced that I without a doubt was overweight and needed to exercise a lot. He claimed that he didn't mean it, and that he did find ways to compliment me in his OWN way...but that's bullshit. No one should have to try to find hidden compliments in your boyfriend's comments. He totally played with my mind and teased me and treated me terribly. And I didn't do anything about it. At all. I never made him prove himself to me in any way. I was afraid to try anything like that because I think deep inside I wasn't sure if he would really come back. But now looking back, I really should have. It would have saved me a lot of pain.

I know for sure that I'm emotionally and psychologically scarred from this relationship. I guess the fact that I know that will make it better for me to heal the wounds. Reflecting on my relationship with him has caused me a lot of pain and anger, but it's also made me open my goddamn eyes and realize EXACTLY the kind of boyfriend that I will eventually need when I'm ready for the next one. I know it sounds like "holy shit, this girl needs to find a nice guy right now so she doesn't lose faith in men." Well I haven't lost my faith. But I know a rebound is not what I need. I think it would be extremely unwise of me to consider dating anyone until I reach a point in my life where I'm completely satisfied with what I'm doing and who I am. For instance, if I have a good job, or I've gotten into good shape...or when I can wake up and think of something OTHER than him. Until all this is true, it would be wrong to date anybody. (Not that I'm getting tons of offers.)

Oh well. It really is his loss. Like what is he thinking? His family totally loved me. I seriously don't see how he could find someone better. Honestly. I'm not ltotally full of myself but I'm confident enough to know that I'm a girl who makes a good girlfriend. No, a great girlfriend. And I was totally in love with him and his family and I don't see how he'll find someone as good as me. But that obviously isn't my problem.

Dating people is great but breaking up sucks so bad it almost seems pointless to do it in the first place. I know I'll be a better person because of it and time will heal all the pain. For once, I wish time would move a little faster so I can get rid of all this sadness and anger.