Is it sad that sometimes I think I'm happier when I'm single? I think there's no question in my mind that in the two post-breakup time periods of my life, I was really happy - obviously after the initial sadness. One of the main differences for me is that when I'm not single, I feel this need to spend tons of time with my significant other. And this is mainly coming from pressures within, not pressures from him. This was a trend with my last two boyfriends. See, I'm pretty sure that my second boyfriend totally screwed me up psychologically and to this day I still have no idea why I dated him. I must have felt pretty bad about myself. When I was with him, I was totally insecure and constantly felt like I had to impress him and be with him, in case he "forgot" about me or moved on. Of course when we were dating I didn't realize that these were the reasons why. It was like for almost two years, I don't know what I was thinking. This guy was such a jerk to me and yet I thought all the stupid, mean things he did were some weird way of showing affection.

It seems like, since I know enough to admit these things and ackowledge that these feelings may be coming from a previous relationship and definitely wouldn't be the same way this time around, that I would be able to change. But I really don't feel like I have. I just spend a lot less time hanging out with my friends than I used to, and it's sad to me, and something I need to do something about (other than write a post about it). I spent a lot of time away from my apartment when I was there, I spend a lot of evenings just hanging out instead of going out, it's like this rare occasion that I go out of my house in the evening to hang out. And maybe it's because I live out in the burbs now, but that's not a good excuse. I just have this weird anxious feeling about like...leaving, I guess. It's so awful. I'm really quite ashamed and embarassed about it.

And the thing is, Cory has never once said to me "don't go out with your friends, why don't you stay here with me, I hate when you leave" or anything even close to that! Maybe it's that he doesn't hang out with other people very often, either, and I feel guilty leaving him. I guess that could be a part of it. Apparently when I start dating people, I end up being their best friend as well as girlfriend. And I DO love spending time with him...it's not that I hang out with him out of guilt.

So, I think now that I've acknowledged this issue, it's time to figure out what to do about it. Doesn't seem like it should be all that hard, but who knows. The option of being single again is not there, haha, so I need to figure out how to change my thinking and start doing what will make me just as happy as I know I've been before.

Oh and ps...





KITTY