i'm sick of writing sad entries but i feel the need...i'm sorry.

so being in buffalo is really great. i'm enjoying living at home, i'm making money, teaching is...well...teaching, whatever. i barely think about fredonia or anything that happened there recently because it is just not a part of my life anymore and i'm so separate from it. and it's great. i enjoy the brief visits once in awhile but that's it.

i've been in fredonia since thursday night, at rehearsals and recitals and stuff. it is just cheaper to stay rather than drive here and back every day. well while it may be cheaper, it is certainly not worth it emotionally. i really really just want to get the hell out of here and go home. this is all because last night i hung out with my ex for the first time since december. i mean there were a bunch of us around but he was there. we were all drinking and eating barbecue and it felt just like the way it used to...with the obvious and enormous difference that we aren't together anymore. and while i thought i could handle it, i couldn't. granted i had 4 beers as well, which i originally thought might help the situation but it might it worse. i actually got up and left in the middle of while we were eating to go for a walk around the block and cry. and then when i came back it was jsut the same. it was like he didn't even notice that i had left. i'm sure he knew why i did. but he didn't say anything or act like he cared at all. and ya know what, he probably doesn't care. because he is in fredonia all the time. he has made a bunch of friends and hangs out with those people all the time. he's made new memories at fredonia and is probably having a great time. but for me, when i come back to fredonia, it's like i never left. i pick up right where i left off ion december, which was, well, terrible. it is so unfair. he is fine. i'm not. i don't even LIKE him anymore. but it is so hard to look at him because all i see when i look at him is all the memories that we made together. to think that we meant so much to each other, and now it's all over and we essentially have no significance in each other's lives anymore. how sad is that. i don't know. it just makes me miserable. i should never have come here and tried to act like everything was fine because it obviusly isn't, as my eyes are spilling over with tears just writing this. and now i'm going to be forced to see him again at a million recitals today. and i don't want to. i would be totally fine if i never saw him again. i wish he was graduating and going back home to be far away from me.

i can't can't can't can't wait until time has passed and i will be okay with everything. but i'm not okay at all. i have thought about nothing else but him since i woke up. why ami like this???? ok i have to stop writing or i will be a basket case. i want to go home so bad.

i am updating from the apple store. i love it in here. i pretty much drool over everything. i can't wait till my computer at home bites the dust and i'm forced to buy a fancy expensive apple computer. i think i'd want a laptop but maybe not...mmmm i love these computers. and i love not having school this week. :)

I'm offiically on spring break from school. Well ok in about 16 minutes I will be. Thank goodness. I am really hoping to use this week productively and really do some good plans and regroup and figure out what I need to do to make the rest of the year go smoothly. Every day there are good and bad things. It is just so hard because I don't know the kids. I would love to be able to joke around with the choruses, because I think that would start establishing a good relationship and they would connect to me etc. But I'm sort of naturally not that funny or spontaneous. And all my friends know I'm awful at telling stories. So I kind of just, play and they sing. Or talk to their friends and are generally rude, haha. What am I saying,. I'm bavbbling. I am really tired. On each of my free periods today I had 8th and 7th grade girls hanging around my classroom. Now, it's true that I'm trying to be cool and get to know the kids but holy heck are they crazy. One of them left her lunch tray here. Gross.

Wow all I talk about is teaching. and i dojt know how to end this my mind totally just wandered for about 10 minutes. I forget where I was even going with this entry. Well, happy Easter and I can't wait to eat candy. (e:Mike) let's have a chip and dip party sometime!

I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like the worst teacher in the world. Today I burst into tears as soon as my last class left. I do not want to be that person that cries after a lesson doesn't go well. But when you have four days in a row of teaching and you don't feel like ANY of them were 100% or even 80% successful, it makes you feel pretty terrible about yourself.

I know that I am coming in in the middle of the year to a classroom where the teacher before me was respected and liked a lot. The students are used to a routine. I know that I'm young and that this is my first week of teaching. I am too hard on myself. But I basically stink right now. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have NO control, but there's moments when it's pretty close. I cannot find the fine line between being mean and being nice, and so far I'm leaning way too close towards being too nice and too lenient. But I'm so not used to being mean or being bitchy. I don't WANT to create an environment like that. This is music, it's supposed to be fun and I want kids to look forward to coming here. But I'm letting them literally walk all over me...getting up from their seats without being asked, blatantly talking or doing other work while we're in the middle of rehearsal. And I know a lot of that is probably my fault. I wasn't totally prepared to teach the 7th graders today...I hadn't staged out word for word what I was going to say...and therefore it was a bust. They didn't care, they were fooling around, and I was flustered. And it was even a shortened period.

I just feel so awful about myself right now. And if I don't do something about it soon, I'm going to lose these kids for the rest of the year. I hate you Fredonia and your lack of ability to teach me how to direct a choir. There I go blaming someone else. I hate to bitch and moan but frankly that's all I can think about. Now I get to look forward to a weekend of planning an entire week of lessons that probably won't go well anyway.

I have let people walk all over me my whole life. I know it won't change unless I do something about it, the trouble is, I don't know exactly what to do. It's not like I don't know what I'm talking about or that I'm a person who normally doesn't get along with people. I'm just too goddamn nice and tolerant. With everything. Even with asshole ex-boyfriend. I am so sick and tired of being walked on, and I've got to do something to stop it or it never will... :(

So for the past couple weeks I've taken A LOT of pictures with the intention of putting them up here but haven't put any. I finally got around to putting them on to my computer. There are way too many to put them all in one journal entry, so I'll pick my top choices to show off from a variety of events and get-togethers. Enjoy looking at yourselves, your friends, and random people you don't know!

From our East Aurora trip...

(e:Mike) and Jen heading down towards Main Street and Vidler's.


(e:Mike) reading the description of a cinematic masterpiece


I got a tasty dinner at this restaurant (Tony Rome's) - it was chicken with pasta and red peppers. However, on top of my meal was the biggest strawberry I've ever seen, like seriously gigantic and was totally pumped with steroids.


(e:Mike), (e:Diana) and (e:Jill) lookin sexy with their candy cigs.


St. Matty's Day

The birthday boy, (e:Matthew), and someone I don't know...feel free to identify yourself!


(e:Terry) and (e:Hodown)


(e:Jill), (e:Chris) (one of them...?), (e:Mike) and (e:Libertad)


A sugarglider munching on some broccoli.


Buffalo State Bengal 5K Run...

Me and my friend Nicole before the race.


...and they're off!


Here we are at the finish line...we did it!



The race was super fun...and I reached my measly goal of less than 30 minutes. 28:11 to be exact, making me 6th out of 22 females age 20-24, a 9:05 pace, and 48th overall. Yay! Can't wait for the next one...and I'd love some more racing buddies :)

i'm running in my first race tomorrow. how freakin ridiculous. i'm sort of nervous and not excited because i had a terrible run yesterday. but today i've been drinking a giant bottle of gatorade (i hate gatorade) and eating excessive amounts of carbohydrates (mmmm...i don't mind that at all...i'm probably eating as much as most marathon runners though, and a 5k doesn't quite match up to that level...). i'll go for a quickie run today. the thing is my calves, or rather the sides of my calves feel tight but i don't know a good stretch for them. hopefully i won't injure myself. i guess i don't really care what my time is for the race, but i'm running it with a good friend and i think she is probably faster than me so i will either slow her down or run faster and kill myself and/or get a better workout. i guess that wouldn't be so much of a bad thing. well anyway i'm sure i will be excited once i actually get to the race and see all the other runners and i'm wearing a number. then i will feel cool.

all finished in the ken-ton school district. today was a half day at KMS. SWEET! i wonder if i will get paid for the whole day. i doubt it but that would be nice.

omg i have my first official voice student. she's this like 50 year old lady from the office who used to be in the army and is super loud and in your face. she calls me homie girl and chickie. so today she basically yanked me in her office and was like "ok i need a lesson girlie, what time, where, how much." hahahaha i can't wait for this one! i am like intimidated by her so it will be weird to teach her. but i do love teaching lessons so hopefully it will go all right, and the first lesson is an easy one anyway.

wow it is certainly the time for "firsts"...my first race, first voice student, first real job, first giant bottle of gatorade...

p.s. i love putting risque subject lines so everyone will be enticed to read my journal ;)

i am sitting in the string room at kenmore west listening to the boy's chorus rehearsal and it makes me want to cry. i'm not even in the same room and i can just hear their voices being slaughtered by bad technique and bad repertoire. how does this man STILL teach chorus here? do administrators actually go to any concerts? how did i possibly make it out of this high school ACTUALLY still wanting to teach music? i don't have a strong desire to work in this district but if they offered me the ken west job i would take it in two seconds just so i could make up for the terrible choral and vocal tradition that has been established here. : (

So I'm offically the new chorus/vocal teacher at JFK high school from April until June. I will be teaching high school chorus, a high school theory class, 6th, 7th and 8th grade chorus and 7th grade general music. How crazy. I was really excited and I still am but I can't believe I will have a real job. I'll be like responsible for all these kids. I know they liked me when I came in to rehearse them and hopefully they won't start to hate me. Oh well as long as I get my paycheck. haha j/k.

p.s. I THINK THE SCHOOL DAY STARTS AT 7:20. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. THAT PROBABLY MEANS I HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE AT 6:30. THAT MEANS I HAVE TO GET UP AT LIKE 5:30. KILL ME!

In other news, Kenmore Middle School still smells the same. I can't really describe the smell but it brings back lots of memories and makes me feel like I'm 12 again. Which is bad when you're supposed to be a responsible teacher. And frankly who wants to feel like they are 12?

Supposedly, scent is the strongest of the five senses as far as triggering memory or familiarity.

Ummmm...not much else to say. In a little over a week I will be 23 years old. Oh, my. That just sounds WAY too young for a teacher. Aren't all teachers at least 50 or older...??

and oh yeah, happy spring!

Well today is my first day as the substitute string teacher at KMS. All I've done so far is taught 3 lesson groups. I have one more and then orchestra. I hope orchestra isn't a disaster, haha. I enjoy middle school but they can be really crazy, especially when there's a substitute. I hope I don't have to lay the smack down. Tomorrow I'll be at West. It's an every other day thing, so I'll be at KMS next MWF and West on TR. How weird being a teacher where I was a student for so long.

I'm totally flying by the seat of my pants with these lessons. I've never taken a single string pedagogy or methods course. I'm glad I came in and watched her teach for a little while so I would have some small grasp of what to do. It's funny because I technically am certified to teach instrumental lessons but wow I hope no one would ever hire me to do so. I would have to be PRETTY desperate

I've noticed a severe lack of updating from certain individuals who may reside in Syracuse and/or Boston...

Happy St. Patrick's Day eve, everyone!

Wow the website seriously took 5 minutes to load. I love dial-up.

I'M A TEACHER!!!!!! Officially. Well basically officially. More on that later because it's cold in my basement and my fingers might get frostbite.

Had a fun adventure yesterday, a marathon hangout session with some of the crew, well pretty much everyone who isn't in another zip code (except for Yo). I don't like when you're with a group of people and something slips that you aren't supposed to know about and then it is awkward!!! But I digress. I took pictures yesterday like a dorkwad and I will post those sometime too. My USB connection is upstairs and I'm too lazy to go get it. I saw the biggest strawberry I've ever seen yesterday and today my mom cut it up and ate it as part of a milkshake. I was a little sad that it was gone. But the milkshake WAS quite tasty.