I'm feeling so awful today. First my roommate is coming back tomorrow after being gone for three glorious weeks. I knew it couldn't last forever but I have this feeling of dread. It's been so peaceful without her here. Now she's going to be around all the time because she dropped one of her summer classes (two classes was one too many apparently) so she'll be out of the apartment for a total of 4 hours a week. Thank God I have a job!

I also found out that I didn't do well on my applied linear regression final. It was a group project but my partner took the class for satisfactory credit so I ended up doing almost all of it. Still, I thought we were going to do okay. In the end we got a B/B+ (they only give grade ranges at my school) which is basically like a D/D-. Just to give some perspective, my partner would not have gotten credit for the class if we received half a grade lower. Anyway, the comments on the paper were the worst part. We had to include the program code for the data analysis but I didn't include all of the sub-programs (if that's even what they're called ) because they said they didn't want "the diary" of our analysis. Apparently they meant they didn't want that in the paper portion. So even though our model was okay, the grader assumed we didn't do all these extra steps. In the end his/her comments were so brutal because they were laced with sarcasm. I would never have written such means things to someone even if I thought they spent two minutes on their work. I mean it was a 25 page data analysis!

I've had this horrible sick feeling in my stomach all day because I feel like I've failed. This was a really important class and I've worked so hard this term to learn this stuff. I'm not smart enough to get it I guess. I'm just ashamed of my work and myself and I hate that feeling so much.

Sometimes I worry that I am wasting my time going to school for so long. Like maybe I am being super self-indulgent because I like school and instead I should just be getting a job and contributing something to the world. I used to convince myself that I wouldn't get a good job if I didn't stay in school but that seems less and less realistic. My boyfriend has an exceptional job and he has a bachelor's degree and is still finishing his master's (in a field unrelated to his job nonetheless!). He gets paid a lot and works with really nice people, and most importantly, he is not mooching off of his parents anymore. I wish I could say the same thing :( I work and go to school but it definitely doensn't cover the bills. I hope that my degree ends up being worth all of the money and time put into it. I better do something really good when I am finally done with school in four years!

When I was younger, maybe about 8 yrs old, I saw a sitcom with a woman who was agoraphobic on it. She hadn't left her apartment for 20 years, there were huge piles of newspapers, and she didn't know anything about the world outside (she knew about current events, but not trends or anything like that). Even though this wasn't such a realistic portrayal of an agoraphobic, I remember thinking, even at that young age, 'wow, I could totally end up like that.'

My reason for bringing this up is that this weekend I barely left my apartment. I know it's bad to stay in all the time- I don't even enjoy it- but sometimes if there is no one around to do things with and I don't NEED to go out, I just stay in as much as possible. It's a really bad, depressing habit and after weekends like this, I make myself nervous. I start to actually get afraid of going outside, maybe not afraid but more like a sense of dread about it. It's kind of like when you know you could go to a party but you just think it's going to be awful even though every time you go to one you have a really good time. Has anyone ever had that feeling? If you just jump that first hurdle and go, then everything ends up going well. The thing is, when I'm alone I don't really have anyone motivating me to jump that hudle so I just end up staying in. And of course, like any truly unhealthy habit, it builds on itself. Once I'm in for one day then it's even harder to go out the next day- all the while, I feel more depressed at the thought of how long I've been inside. What an unpleasant cycle!

Anyway, it's a good thing that I almost always have something I need to do each day or someone to call when I'm bored.I don't have a problem doing things by myself when they have to be done, but doing things alone will never be my preference. I wish I was a more independent person. I guess as long as I force myself to do the things I need to do, I don't really have to worry too much about becoming a shut-in... I hope. I think what this all boils down to is that I need to come home where I have a few friends left OR they should all come here. Yes, that was an open invite.

P.S. It's been raining for a million days in a row... really, who would want to go out in this weather!

I haven't posted in a while and I guess a lot has happened in that time. First, I found a condo to buy and they accepted the offer. I don't know if this is common in Buffalo since I've never looked for a condo there, but my new place is actually in a house, not an apartment building. The apt itself is a one-bedroom with pretty wood floors and new appliances (yay!). The location is perfect for me because it's right near my school but it also has a driveway so I can have my car. It's definitely no mansion but I'm so thankful to not be renting anymore that I don't care at all. Plus, I'm going to be alone and I'm small...who needs a lot of space?! Anyway, I'm really excited to be able to paint and fix my place up without having to ask anyone's permission. Here are a couple pics of my soon-to-be home...





I also finished my first year of grad school. Pending satisfactory grades on my finals, I am now a Master and one year closer to the end of the road. The end of school completely snuck up on me since I am usually in school until mid june. It's also a weird schedule because finals were due last week but commencement isn't until June 8th. I guess other schools in the university have different schedules so we have to wait for them but still, this three week break is awkward.

On a totally random note, I had a strange experience with the realtor who helped me find my new place. Her name was BethAnn and after having met her only once to look at apartments, she left a message on my voicemail that went something like this:

"Hi Maureen, I know we were supposed to see another couple places today but I need to put that off until tomorrow because I just found out that my boyfriend of 3 three years has been going on sexual benders behind my back for God know how long. I read his email the other night-- only one day after we had the most amazing talk and he said he wanted me to be the mother of his children-- and I found that he was sleeping with tons of different women, sometimes a couple a day. Anyway, I have to move out of the house we just bought together-- can you believe we just bought a house together?!-- and so I can't meet you as we planned today."

Then the message cut off and she called back because, believe it or not, she had more to say. She went on:

"So anyway, hopefully we can meet up tomorrow to look at those places... oh and don't you worry, I called his parents and got him an appointment with a psychiatrist and have already called a lawyer-- there better be something mentally wrong with him. Okay, hope you're having a great day and I'll tell you more details later. Bye dear."

I have been saving those two messages for two weeks because I wanted to make sure I got them down here. I think it's so funny that she would tell me all that after one meeting. SHe told me the next day that she hoped I didn't feel like she was being too forward but she just didn't want to be "insincere." That comment struck a cord with me because anyone who knows me knows that I am super-private about personal stuff. I would never, NEVER have left anyone a message like that-- not even my best friends. It felt kind of funny when I heard her say that because, honestly, even though I thought she was a little crazy and unprofessional after listening to the message, I definitely couldn't say she was not sincere. I even found it a little endearing. Sometimes I really envy people who can be so open and wear the heart on their sleeve. Although she might be too open, I think we are both on the extreme ends of sharing personal info and would benefit from moving a little towards the center. And anyway, she found me a nice condo :)

(e:Mike), this quiz is for you. (That also goes for anyone who thinks one bag of anything, no matter what size, is one portion)

So lately I have been looking for a place to live while I'm in Cambridge for the next 4 years. The whole process has really been scary because I don't really know what to do or how to pick. As a result, I have been basically basing all my judgments on looks. If a place isn't pretty on the outside I decide I don't really like it. I have even ruled out going to look at a place just by seeing a picture of it online. I never really thought I was this shallow but maybe I am. I mean, when I really think about it all of my friends are pretty. All of the people I've dated have been nice looking. I can't really think of one of my friends who I would say is not really good looking. But on the other hand, I can't think of one of my friends who isn't beautiful on the inside too, so does that negate their contributions to my shallowness score? Anyway, I do feel a little worried that I'm going to buy a place for the wrong reasons and then it's going to fall apart the minute I move in. I just have such a hard time picturing myself living happily in a building that looks depressing. I guess I need to be more open-minded if I'm ever going to find anything.

I have lost ALL motivation to do work. It's so terrible because I just got my finals assigned. I wish I had more school stamina :(

On a different note, recently I went through a phase in which I wasn't eating as much pasta as a used to. Anyone who knows me might think that it was my version of a starvation diet since I pretty much only eat pasta, but I just thought I should try to get more protein. Now, however, the phase has passed and I have a new love (ok, maybe obsession) with my old food flame. I even made some sauce from scratch and it tastes so good that today I ate pasta for breakfast (I used to do that all the time when I was little). I really think that besides raw peas, pasta is the absolute best food ever. mmmm, I'm going to have some now!

Wow I am totally not prepared to be an adult. I need to find a new place to live soon since my lease will be up this summer and I don't even want to go look at places or call a realtor. It feels like something I should do with my mom, not alone. I have lived in three different apartments already but I still feel unqualified to decide on one by myself. I've always had roommates who basically picked out the place for me. It's funny because I've always liked the places I've lived in--it's been my roommates that were the problem. Since they picked out the apartments and I picked them out, I guess my record is pretty bad. Anyway, I need to start looking (okay actually it's way too early but I'm nervous and overpreparing is how I cope) and I want someone to hold my hand. Now, if only I had friends in Cambridge...ho hum. At least I had a pretty apartment this year :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (e:MK)!! I hope you have a wonderful day and that your year is even better :)

Today spring break officially begins for me, which means home to Buffalo tomorrow. The past couple weeks have been so stressful that knowing I would get to come home was the only thing getting me through. It's weird though, this year is the first that I actually considered not coming home for my week of vacation. It just felt like there wasn't really any point. Everyone works all day while I sit at home bored (albeit enjoying my house and relaxing). I definitely miss my mom and my Buffalo friends but everyone has adult lives now. They aren't around to spend very much time with and it might be just make more sense to say in Boston. Then reality hit. If I stay here it would be a week, nonstop, of my roommate Lauren with no classes to save me. I definitely can't handle that! So in the end, yes, I will be home for the week. But maybe I'm starting to move on from Buffalo a little. I mean you never move on from your family and friends, but I guess you can move away from them.

Anyway, onto a small dilemma I'm dealing with. I met, and ultimately ended up living with Lauren because she was dating one of my best friends in college, Alex. Recently (mid January) she broke up with him for reasons she explains differently depending on the day or the audience. Right after they broke up they talked occasionally, but recently they started talking at least as much as when they were dating. Alex told me that he believed they were going to get back together because Lauren said she might move to DC to be with him if he got a job there this summer. However, what he doesn't know is that she's been talking to her ex-boyfriend from high school too lately. Trust me, they are not just friends. Over her spring break she even went to visit him in Arkansas (which she lied about to me and then mistakenly admitted later) and he's going to visit her in June for almost two weeks. It really bothers me that Lauren is leading Alex on about wanting to get back together. When I talk to her about it she says there is no way they would get back together. I know she must have told him that she would consider moving to DC because he would never have made that up, especially knowing that I live with her. Now I feel torn. I don't want to get involved in this because it's not my business and I want to minimize any problems with Lauren. On the other hand, Alex has been a good friend to me and I hate seeing him treated so badly. If he knew Lauren was seeing someone else and had no intention of getting back together he would probably have moved on. Plus, she is using him because she likes the attention but she doesn't realize that he is factoring her into LIFE DECISIONS that he is making. I know he should be more careful since they are broken up but he shouldn't be expected to assume she lies to him. I guess ultimately I can't do anything about it. It's not my business, right? But I still feel like a terrible friend and if it were me in his position I would want someone to tell me. But still, I should stay out of it, right?