I have lost ALL motivation to do work. It's so terrible because I just got my finals assigned. I wish I had more school stamina :(

On a different note, recently I went through a phase in which I wasn't eating as much pasta as a used to. Anyone who knows me might think that it was my version of a starvation diet since I pretty much only eat pasta, but I just thought I should try to get more protein. Now, however, the phase has passed and I have a new love (ok, maybe obsession) with my old food flame. I even made some sauce from scratch and it tastes so good that today I ate pasta for breakfast (I used to do that all the time when I was little). I really think that besides raw peas, pasta is the absolute best food ever. mmmm, I'm going to have some now!

Wow I am totally not prepared to be an adult. I need to find a new place to live soon since my lease will be up this summer and I don't even want to go look at places or call a realtor. It feels like something I should do with my mom, not alone. I have lived in three different apartments already but I still feel unqualified to decide on one by myself. I've always had roommates who basically picked out the place for me. It's funny because I've always liked the places I've lived in--it's been my roommates that were the problem. Since they picked out the apartments and I picked them out, I guess my record is pretty bad. Anyway, I need to start looking (okay actually it's way too early but I'm nervous and overpreparing is how I cope) and I want someone to hold my hand. Now, if only I had friends in Cambridge...ho hum. At least I had a pretty apartment this year :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (e:MK)!! I hope you have a wonderful day and that your year is even better :)

Today spring break officially begins for me, which means home to Buffalo tomorrow. The past couple weeks have been so stressful that knowing I would get to come home was the only thing getting me through. It's weird though, this year is the first that I actually considered not coming home for my week of vacation. It just felt like there wasn't really any point. Everyone works all day while I sit at home bored (albeit enjoying my house and relaxing). I definitely miss my mom and my Buffalo friends but everyone has adult lives now. They aren't around to spend very much time with and it might be just make more sense to say in Boston. Then reality hit. If I stay here it would be a week, nonstop, of my roommate Lauren with no classes to save me. I definitely can't handle that! So in the end, yes, I will be home for the week. But maybe I'm starting to move on from Buffalo a little. I mean you never move on from your family and friends, but I guess you can move away from them.

Anyway, onto a small dilemma I'm dealing with. I met, and ultimately ended up living with Lauren because she was dating one of my best friends in college, Alex. Recently (mid January) she broke up with him for reasons she explains differently depending on the day or the audience. Right after they broke up they talked occasionally, but recently they started talking at least as much as when they were dating. Alex told me that he believed they were going to get back together because Lauren said she might move to DC to be with him if he got a job there this summer. However, what he doesn't know is that she's been talking to her ex-boyfriend from high school too lately. Trust me, they are not just friends. Over her spring break she even went to visit him in Arkansas (which she lied about to me and then mistakenly admitted later) and he's going to visit her in June for almost two weeks. It really bothers me that Lauren is leading Alex on about wanting to get back together. When I talk to her about it she says there is no way they would get back together. I know she must have told him that she would consider moving to DC because he would never have made that up, especially knowing that I live with her. Now I feel torn. I don't want to get involved in this because it's not my business and I want to minimize any problems with Lauren. On the other hand, Alex has been a good friend to me and I hate seeing him treated so badly. If he knew Lauren was seeing someone else and had no intention of getting back together he would probably have moved on. Plus, she is using him because she likes the attention but she doesn't realize that he is factoring her into LIFE DECISIONS that he is making. I know he should be more careful since they are broken up but he shouldn't be expected to assume she lies to him. I guess ultimately I can't do anything about it. It's not my business, right? But I still feel like a terrible friend and if it were me in his position I would want someone to tell me. But still, I should stay out of it, right?

OMG... Heidi's bank was robbed!

I lived with Heidi all four years of college. Her family lives in Vermont and they basically live in the bank they own (her house is the part of the building with black shutters in the picture). It's the smallest privately owned bank in the country. Anyway, yesterday, in braod daylight, it was robbed! I guess they won't tell much about the heist but I'll get the details from her tonight. All her life she was afraid in her house because of movies about bank robberies, now just as she was getting over that this happens. I can't believe her bank got robbed!

I have to make a big life decision by Friday. Last year I deferred my acceptance to a doctoral program at Penn State to come to Harvard and go to the School of Education. Now, I have been notified that I need to let the fine people at Penn State know whether I will be coming in the fall or not. I was under the impression that this decision would need to be made by April (like the deadline for new students) since I have been getting all the new student material in the mail, but I was wrong. I have applied to other schools because I'm not sure if I want to do an exclusively psychology program instead of one in education and psychology. Unfortunately I won't know the other programs' decisions until after I need to make my decision about Penn State. To make matters more complicated Penn State is offering me the best financial aide package possible...I would probably make money by going there. The downside is that it's in a very isolated area (I've really enjoyed living in Boston :( ) and the program might not be a perfect fit. I'm not sure what to do now. I asked them if I could have more time to decide but they understandably said they needed to know right away. It's such an important decision and I honestly don't know how I'm going to decide. Not going there would be such a huge risk...what if I don't get in other programs, or what if they don't offer enough funding? Of course I already have student loans, and I really don't want to be in even more debt when I finally get done with school. On the other hand, I don't want to go to Penn State and then find out I got into another program that is more appropriate and offers financial aide. I guess I want it all, and I want it to be easy. If anyone has advice I'm all ears right now.

Classes start on Monday so this is officially my last weekend to be lazy. I was looking forward to hanging out with my friends but then I found out that everyone I know in Boston (Lauren, my roommate, Heidi, and Jeremy) were going home. So, without friends to hang out with or homework, this weekend looked like it would turn into three straight days of pjs and tv. Then just in the nick of time, I met someone new while waiting on line (for 2 hours!) to register for courses. I invited him and some of my school friends over for the Superbowl this weekend. My mom always had really fun Superbowl parties when I was younger so I thought this would be nice to try it myself. I have spent most of today preparing for tomorrow’s festivities. I baked some football-themed cookies and made a potato and prosciutto thing. Since I don’t care about either team playing tomorrow, the party can just be able the food for me. I know I won’t ever be a great cook like my mom but I’m trying to get better. I hope everyone has a good weekend and enjoys the game tomorrow.

My friend Mary got very exciting results at her last doctor's appointment. She found that the cancer in her pancreas shrunk to a ¼ of the original size. I was so relieved because if she didn't get good news she was going to stop all treatments; the side effects have really decreased her quality of life. Anyway, I have felt a little lighter ever since then and I know it has given her so much more motivation. It's been on my mind so much these past couple months that I can't imagine how she can be so strong. In any event, we were ready and thankful for the good news.

In other news, the past two weeks have been very enjoyable and productive. Since I finished my finals I've done so many things I've wanted to do for a long time. Here are a couple of the things I've done:

-When I'm in school the last thing I want to do is read for pleasure because I get so sick of reading for class. In the past two weeks I've read three really interesting books (I'd recommend them but they're so specific that I really don't think anyone's interested).

-I'm also a documentary fanatic so I planned on rewarding myself for getting through this semester by renting a bunch of movies that I've wanted to see. To do that, I had to get up enough courage to rent movies by myself (I don't know why but it always made me feel really self-conscious before). I've watched at least 4 in the past two weeks and I would definitely recommend at least two of them. One, The Weather Underground, was about a protest group in the 60s and 70s called the Weathermen (a la Bob Dylan's lyrics). The other, which I watched with (e:Jessbob), was called One Day in September, and was about the Munich hostages. Now, I've seen a bunch of movies I've wanted to see and also conquered my weird fear of renting movies alone.

-I made a scrapbook for Mary. It was such an ordeal because I had to have people send me pictures and write letters. Plus, I kind of despise scrap-booking (I don't have the patience to cut all those little tiny pieces of paper and make my very own 3-D beach chair on each page). I think it turned out well and I know she will really enjoy all the old pictures. I had the best time looking through all of them!

-I FINALLY made my mosaic. I have been talking about making a mosaic table with my mom for years. I saw a mother and daughter do it in a movie and I kind of became obsessed. Unfortunately, my mother, the woman who majored in art, had no interest in making a mosaic with me. I even bought the table a couple years ago and she threw it out! So, I decided to make it on my own. I bought some glass and mirrors, broke them up, glued them to the top of a bookshelf, grouted it, glazed it, and voila, a mosaic bookshelf. I'm really happy with it. My mom wants me to do the entire wall in our spa room. We'll see about that one, since this took me two days for like 3 square feet.




-I bought a chair at the Salvation Army, made a slip cover, dyed it a now I have a comfy purple chair in my room. I still need to fix all the seams because my sewing machine is at school, but it looks nice for now.

-Finally, this is not a crafty thing, but I feel good because I got up the courage to stick up for myself to a couple people recently. I usually let things go pretty easily. I don't like to fight or complain to people too much. I can be really critical, but I know that about myself, so I try to keep it in check most of the time. Recently, though, I realized I have become a total doormat. It felt good to be honest about how I was feeling. Of course I got apologies and promises of change, but I guess I'll see what really happens. I don't want to lose any friendships, but hopefully I didn't wait too long and things can still be fixed.

Well that was a lot. Unfortunately the party is almost over and I will be going back to school on Saturday. I'm going to try to enjoy my last week home and see everyone I can. School seems so far away.

Tomorrow night John Stossell is doing a special on education in America (10pm on 20/20, I think it's on abc?) . It looks really interesting but really slanted. Apparently he is arguing for a voucher system for all schools, not just private. The fact is, the longer American students stay in our schools the more they fall behind students in other countries. In fourth grade our kids match up with kids in Belgium and by high school we are years behind. It's scary when you think about it, and since I started grad school that's all I've been thinking about. There is no simple answer to fixing our schools. The inequalities of our educational system are really appalling (for anyone interested an amazing book came out recently on the issue by Jonathan Kozol called The Shame of the Nation). I have great respect for teachers, but the profession is really not set up for quality control at all. Furthermore, schools do not implement research findings that could improve student achievement. Developing literacy programs has become a business and marketing agencies have better success at getting districts to buy their packaged programs that education schools. And don't get me started on the enormous mess that is No Child Left Behind (this statement is purely from an educational researcher's point of view, and not based on politics). Of all of the government services provided, it is my (biased) view that education is the most important AND least successful. In any event, I will be watching, or at least taping, the special tomorrow night.

New Year's is one holiday that always depresses me. I'm not really a superstitious person but ever since I was little I believed that how I spent new year's (or rather how I felt on new year's) was symbolic of how my year was going to be. When I was young it was okay because I was generally with my mom, watching the ball drop on tv. And, indeed, that's how I spent most of the following year, with my mom doing uneventful things. It was good, I enjoyed it. But I remember one year when I was a little older my father called and made me stay on the phone at midnight (obviously he didn't make me, but at the time I thought I had no choice). I was so upset and the rest of the year was filled with turmoil involving him. Since then I have had at least one really good New Year's Eve and one really bad one. Now, New Year's is something I just don't look forward to. I'd like to be one of those crabby people who goes to bed at 10 o'clock and ignores the whole thing but deep down I'm scared that my whole year will be me avoiding things and hiding away. I'm not very social to begin with so this could really happen! Anyway, I'm still holding out hope that the next New Year's Eve will be irrefutably good. Even if the whole thing is in my head, I think it will make my whole year a little better.