Things have been very trying over the last week or so. Lots of us seem to be having a hard time lately. Was it that incredibly intense full moon we just had? I really need to change the direction of my life. It seems like I'm digging myself further and further into this hole. What has been most distressing is the effect my life has had on other people. I couldn't be more sorry, but that changes nothing. Really, I need to put a 100% back into my life and that's all I really can do. So bear with me folks. From this moment on!

p.s..please don't comment on this journal. I just wanted to let you all know where I'm at.

Also, I have been having trouble with grammar. In particular, affect and effect. Here is a site that I think will help me.



More pics to come shortly.

update: 7/12/06
I corrected my incorrect use of site. Before I had 'sight' Oh well!

Let me apologize mrdt for my harsh language, and for assuming that you got my email when I never got confirmation that you did in fact get it. I'm sorry. That is not the normal way I handle things. It is also not the way that I want Buddhism to be betrayed. This isn't an excuse, but i believed you received my email and were deliberately trying to get under my skin. I sent you an email rather than a comment because I was trying to avoid possibly embarrassing you in public.

I feel as if I constantly have to defend myself from your comments even over the simplest things. For example, when I posted a picture of the lamb I had for Easter you say "Dude you overcooked it." This was a minor annoyance, but the thing about your comments is that all of these minor annoyances add up. You also post comments without actually reading what I have to say. For example, when I talked about when I consolidated my student loans
Your comment made it obvious that you hadn't read what I wrote at all. I had already said the rates were going up and that I consolidated, then you said if you haven't done so the rates are going up so consolidate now. Here is the thing I don't like getting constant advice when its not asked for. As for this latest thing, I think that you and (e:jason) know that I didn't have stocks in Enron. I believe people like Ken Lay do actually affect society as a whole and I think that most people realized that I wasn't referring to my lost stock. It is this constantly being petty and making me defend every thing I say to the last detail that makes me angry. I have seriously considered not even posting anymore because I hate that so much. It's exhausting and not fun.


As for the Buddhism, you do not know me. It is aggravating that this is the second time that you have implied or said that I am a bad Buddhist. I don't claim to be perfect. I have many many faults. I do actually practice and chant. Not necessarily 2x's a day, but I do as well as attend various meetings and activities over the last four years. I really don't think you have the right or the knowledge to judge me like you have. Let me just say it isn't easy to be Buddhist; it takes a lot of effort. The effort has certainly paid off in many ways in my life, and I know what I am capable of when I increase my efforts. My nasty comment to you did not come from a good place and I certainly was out of line. I'm not sure if you are a Buddhist or not. As far as I have read you haven't said you are. If you are then we are practicing two different types and that is fine. It's just that what you say about Buddhism in some ways is going to be different and I don't want people to be confused (it is confusing and I'm still learning).

Finally, I am sorry to everyone for my actions. I hope that no one has lost respect for me due to the way I have handled my anger. Mrdt, I am very sensitive and it is hard for me not to take offense to things, please in the future take care in the things that you say to me, as I will try to do the same with everyone else. I'm usually very careful with my words and I will try even harder in the future.

Shoot! I was just about to say I'm going back to the gym, but then I realized it's Saturday and they are closed. Yesterday I was at the Buddhist Community Center and I was talking to my friend Shannon who is 14. Eventually she asks me "Why do white guys have flat asses?" So of course I'm thinking about my flat ass and how I need to go back to the gym. I used to be in such good shape, but its funny I never was completely happy with my body. I'll do some push ups and sit-ups today and go to the gym on Monday.

I'm going to the gay pride parade in Rochester today. Last year some protesters said that all us gays like golden showers. I know I do.

Someone just rang my doorbell. I didn't go and answer it because I don't like not knowing who it is. Was it the mail person? I dunno, but I hate not being able to peek and see who it is. Last time my doorbell unexpectedly rang , it was my friend Guillermo de Argentina. So I never know what I'm going to get. What if it's someone I really don't want to see? Once I'm down there I'm stuck.

In response to (e:chico) and his Ken Lay post
is there anyone else who doesn't buy this heart attack crap? Is this his final way of ripping us off and committing some kind of insurance fraud? Yes I am a conspiracy theorist, and I don't even know if he has insurance, but it really would be convenient wouldn't it? Lets watch and see how much his wife collects. Could he have took some special pill or something to give himself a heart attack that would be undetectable in an autopsy? What does Dr (e:jenks) think? Scientist (e:chicoschica)? Anyone?

I want to go back to Cuba and as impossible as it was to go the first time, it seems even more so now. Today I watched my DVD show of a compilation of the many photos I shot while there. I served as a voyeur capturing intimate moments as they passed through the streets. They are such amazing people and although they lack so much in material goods I'm jealous of them. Don't get me wrong, they have to deal with things that we could never imagine, but they know culture, they know life, they know happiness.

I'm scared for them as we are in a new hurricane season and as sea levels are projected to rise they literally live on the edge of disaster If a level 3 hurricanee passed over Habana the damage would be immense. Heavy rains themselves cause buildings (with people in them) to crumble. While I was there Hurricane Rita (I think it was her, there were so many i'm not sure) caused the sea to penetrate the city and my friends were trapped in the university dormitory sky rise. They are one of the best nations in the world as far as hurricane preparedness goes, but the infrastructure can't handle it. Their future remains even more bleak as the political situation grows even more uncertain. One thing they have going for them in they know how to survive. On a daily basis they face food shortages and rolling blackouts. We on the other hand can not function without the things like electricity that we rarely go without.

As being able to return doesn't seem all that plausible, I would like to have a photo book published that would show the Cubans through my eyes. My photos really are my eyes, and I think that its important that our country sees the people which are often forgotten in political vendettas and in politicians too proud and too arrogant to see that our policies towards Cuba not only do not work, but have only given Castro more power. If anyone has any experience with publishing companies or know of anyone who does, please let me know. If it doesn't work out that's fine, I would rather have an exhibit where I didn't make any money than not share them at all. It's just that going to Cuba was costly and I'll be paying for it for maybe the rest of my life, and if I could get some money to lessen that debt, or to further my education then I wouldn't feel as if I were exploiting them just for the sake of making money.

I just deleted my last journal. (It was only up for like two minutes) It was Paul's survey, which is over due. If you want me to do it again Paul let me know, I would be glad to be of help to your project if you still need it. The reason I deleted it was because I said that I was going to not allow people to comment in my journal because we all have that option in our preferences. After I wrote it and turned it off, I realized it takes away all the comments from past journals as well, so I changed it back. I'm not willing to turn off the comments already written. So go ahead with comments....I usually like them. Just wanted to see what it was like for you o'l time estrippers.

Yawn. I'm tired, but want to recap my experiences over the last ten days. I haven't even read hardly but two or three journals since working at the beach house. It is so interesting working there. So much history. Today I found the architect plans for an addition to the Baird estate. This guy was the architect responsible for the peace bridge. It is believed that ol man Baird went crazy and hid some cash somewhere in the house. I pressed the owner to preserve them. It must be the historian in me.

Today I consolidated my student loans before the interest rate rises two percentage points at the end of June. I think its about time to say that there is something wrong with our system right now. Like we go to school, work real hard and in the end? Nothing but student loans. I knew what I was doing though, that my degree isn't worth crap, but I did it because I wanted to learn more.

These student loan companies are so screwed up. I have this huge stack of mail from them begging me to consolidate. How many trees were hacked away so they could make all those mailers? I never got any mailings last year when the rates were at their lowest. I'm skeptical, like why do they want us all to consolidate now? Do they know something that we don't, 0r I don't?

One last thing. I do not like to be around spiders and they are everywhere near the water. I have seen about every imaginable type spider, including the very scary black and white hairy ones that look like black widows. Big asss spiders lurk everywhere and alas; I have a nasty spider bite on my side that won't stop itching or being red! Here is the horror. I have been sucking them up in the vacuum cleaner. Since I believe in karma and all that I'm kinda thinking I deserve to be bitten.

I made my first veggie meal and my kitchen is a complete disaster now. It was pretty good actually and it makes me think of other possibilities.

Eating meat makes you feel full so much faster. I think it takes longer for non meat dishes to register that I have actually eaten enough. When I started this post I was hungry, but now I'm kinda full.

Here it is without a pic, cause it didn't look fabulous. It also didn't look all that bad.

oil
1lb stir fry veggies
1/2 teaspoon fresh giner minced
salt and pepper to taste
2 eggs beaten
1 cup cornstarch
1 package 16oz of tofu (plain) drained and cubed
1/2 cup oil
3/4 cup peanut sauce
1/4 cup chopped peanuts

cook veggies in skillet w/ a little oil until tender.

mix with giner and salt and pepper...set aside mixture for later

Dip the cube tofu in the beaten eggs. Then dip it in the cornstarch mixed w/ some salt and pepper

Heat 1/2 cup oil and brown the tofu. Like five minutes cause you don't have to cook the shit out of it. Stir in peanut sauce and peanuts. Toss w/ veggies and your ready. Can be served w/ rice or alone.

Time to clean up the kitchen. Overall recipe:

taste good
cheap eat
10 minute

I haven't eaten any animals since the devil came into my life