I am only posting here because the friends that are actually in real life are all in such different places than I am, and I have no one to talk to. Recently married, or pregnant, or non-child'ed. My closest friend's kid is a 5-year-old princess pink sparkle girly girl? How can I relate to that, with a 14-year-old boy? (Nor would I even know how to!) My other close friends here all have fabulous relationships and fabulous toddlers, or ones on the way. They are quite content with where they're at, and I am quite not.

I hate my apartment, I fucking hate my job, I go on no good vacations or get-aways. My boss mentioned aloud today that I've been in a "funk". I quickly disagreed with that, explaining that it's not a funk, it's fucking disillusionment, and jadedness, and the fact that I hate my fucking job. I told him that I will not be a total bitch, I will do the work that needs be done, and quite efficiently so; however, I will no longer pretend to be a cheer-leader.

Even those times that I do get to get away, they all revolve around seeing my parents, whom I love entirely and deeply and am quite thankful for....But isn't there supposed to be more to get out of life than this?

I have 3-ish years to go until my boy, my baby, is out of high school....and I've centered my life so much around his well-being, I frankly doubt if I am capable of much more. I think I've quite forgotten what it feels like to be "me against the world", or, even, an "us against the world".

Last night, after not seeing him for a week of his being with his dad, he asked for snuggles at bedtime (yes, a 14-year-old boy). He thanked me for being so stable, and for being his rock, and that he wouldn't know what to do without me. That is the best thing a mother can hear. That is a very fucking substantial thank you, which is quite substantially needed! He is the reason I do (the good) things that I do.

My health has been not awesome. I spent so much time & years working toward an ideal, then so many years being my OWN...well, not ideal...but, being who I felt like being....that now it is very difficult to change my habits. Too fat, too drunk, too smokey. Yeah, I know.

BUT, I am working on it. Emotional ejaculation complete. Thanks peeps. Please disregard.

It's a rather surreal experience getting successor agent power of attorney papers in the mail from your brother's estate planning lawyer. Especially when you didn't know they were coming. I can't say I'm unaffected.

So I had lunch with Bob yesterday. It was the first time I had seen him in prolly 6 years? Anywho, he was telling me that a couple of years ago, he & Tracy were downtown, and this homeless guy said to Bob, "I know you!" And Bob's all "No, you don't!". And they guy's all "Yes I do, you're the Zig Zag Man!" Bob replied, "Well, I guess you do know me!" So, Paul, we've succeeding in making him famous!

Paul, I saw this and totally thought of you. This definitely beats earwigs, but prolly not baby spiders coming out of your butt.

Noises in her head were flesh-eating maggots

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A British woman returned from a holiday in Peru hearing scratching noises inside her head to be told she was being attacked by flesh-eating maggots living inside her ear.

Rochelle Harris, 27, said she remembered dislodging a fly from her ear while in Peru but thought nothing more of it until she started getting headaches and pains down one side of her face and woke up in Britain one morning with liquid on her pillow.

Thinking she had a routine ear infection caused by a mosquito bite, she sought medical treatment at the Royal Derby Hospital in northern England, where a consultant noticed maggots in a small hole in her ear-canal.

"I was very scared. Were they in my brain?" said Harris, recounting her ordeal in a new Discovery Channel documentary series called "Bugs, Bites and Parasites" to be aired in the UK from July 21.

Doctors tried first to flush the maggots out of the ear using olive oil.

"It was the longest few hours that I have ever had to wait... I could still feel them and hear them and knowing what those scratching sounds were, and knowing what that wriggling feeling was, that just made it all the worse," she said.

When flushing the maggots out failed, the medics resorted to surgery and found a "writhing mass of maggots" within her ear, raising concern they could eat into her brain.

The surgery removed a family of eight maggots. Analysis found that a New World Army Screw Worm fly had laid eggs inside Harris's ear.

"I'm not so squeamish around those kinds of bugs now. How can I be? They've been in my ear!" Harris said.

Rue McClanahan died early this morning at 76.
I could never decide which Golden Girl was my favorite, but today it will be her.
Wah. I shouldn't be surprised, these peeps are getting old, but still depressing.
I'll leave it to someone else (matthew? mike?) to put some fancy clip up or something; I'm still in kindergarten when it comes to being high-tech.
Thank God Betty is still kicking strong.
I have no more words on the subject.

Matthew, thanks so much for dropping those photos off at my folks' house! My mom called me Saturday morning, and she is ecstatic! She said they are absolutely beautiful! So I wanted to publicly say thank you again and let you know how much I appreciate you taking pics for the party!! Yea Matthew!

Also, she was saying how she's going to make copies and send pics to the people who were in them. Needless to say, I asked her NOT to send to my gross uncle. Yuck!

Btw, the house looks great! Can't wait to see you all again, maybe next year.

Speak to us of Love.

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshingfloor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself, and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstacy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

So, this Valentine's Day is my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. Yes, Valentines Day, ain't that cute. Which blows my mind. Being that I haven't even been alive for 40 years, it's insane to me to think about having a relationship that would last that long. They've earned it, though, that's for sure. Many difficult times they've had, both on their own, and certainly dealing with my brother and me. Well, mostly my brother. I was the good one, if you can believe that.

I must say, I'm very proud of them. Being that even most of their friends are divorced, long-term couples I grew up with, it's even more impressive. Plus, they honestly just still love each other. It's pretty sickening, really. I seriously think if something happend to one, the other would not know how to cope. Like Where the Red Fern Grows, or something. I know after that long, a lot of couples don't' even like each other anymore, or have anything in common after the kids leave, and I'm proud of the work they've put in for so long to bear the fruits of their labor. They deserve it. I just wish I had the money to send them on a cruise or something.

So, we're throwing them a party. I'll be in town from Feb 11 - 16, and the party is on the 13th. It's hard planning from so far away, luckily my brother is doing a lot of it. I'm mostly relegated to sending out invitations (check) and getting stuff to decorate with, tablecloths & centerpieces and crap like that. "(e:matthew)" I sent you an email? did you get it? Definitely want to do what I can to see the PMT boys while I'm there, but my time is limited.

In other news, in the process of finding a middle school for Elijah. Yes, that's right, I said MIDDLE SCHOOL. I can hardly believe it myself. I'm starting to understand the old adage "seems like only yesterday..."

A kind of disturbing thought came into my head this morning. I realized that if my son somehow follows the path my brother took, I'll be a grandma in 7 years. That's freaky. My mom was 35 when my niece was born. I'd be older than that, but still. It's hard to think that in 5 years or so, my little boy will be experimenting with sex drugs and rocknroll. I know I was. Well, all you can do is educate them and say good luck, be smart! I hope to God he is. May God watch and keep him.

I guess that's all. Hope everyone is well. Later peeps.

Okay, so my boy's school play for drama club was last night, in which he played a bully. It was more like a musical. Anyway, here's a couple of pics from his little solo. I must say, he rocked it out. totally blues brothers/mick jagger style, if you ask me. I was rolling!





Here's him responding to the people behind him.



Hope everyone is well. I'm doin ok. Just finished up the semester at school and happy about the summer. Elijahs got another 2 weeks, then the fun begins.

I really need to use estrip more to post pics of the boy.

lates

Happy Birthday Paul!
I wish I had some pictures of us when we were little, they'd be hysterical! Or from the sewers, or the grainmills, or hitchhiking home from Grand Island (misc. nipples), or falling through the ice at Delaware Lake (yes, I know it's Hoyt lake, but to me it'll always be Delaware Lake), running around a "ghostbusters" downtown on 1/2-days or playing tortoise and making you come find me...so many crazy crazy times. I wish it were still like that and we could just go on adventures all day, but alas, we had to grow up!
Love you very much, little brother!