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05/20/14 05:45 - ID#58999

Quite Fucking Despondent

I am only posting here because the friends that are actually in real life are all in such different places than I am, and I have no one to talk to. Recently married, or pregnant, or non-child'ed. My closest friend's kid is a 5-year-old princess pink sparkle girly girl? How can I relate to that, with a 14-year-old boy? (Nor would I even know how to!) My other close friends here all have fabulous relationships and fabulous toddlers, or ones on the way. They are quite content with where they're at, and I am quite not.

I hate my apartment, I fucking hate my job, I go on no good vacations or get-aways. My boss mentioned aloud today that I've been in a "funk". I quickly disagreed with that, explaining that it's not a funk, it's fucking disillusionment, and jadedness, and the fact that I hate my fucking job. I told him that I will not be a total bitch, I will do the work that needs be done, and quite efficiently so; however, I will no longer pretend to be a cheer-leader.

Even those times that I do get to get away, they all revolve around seeing my parents, whom I love entirely and deeply and am quite thankful for....But isn't there supposed to be more to get out of life than this?

I have 3-ish years to go until my boy, my baby, is out of high school....and I've centered my life so much around his well-being, I frankly doubt if I am capable of much more. I think I've quite forgotten what it feels like to be "me against the world", or, even, an "us against the world".

Last night, after not seeing him for a week of his being with his dad, he asked for snuggles at bedtime (yes, a 14-year-old boy). He thanked me for being so stable, and for being his rock, and that he wouldn't know what to do without me. That is the best thing a mother can hear. That is a very fucking substantial thank you, which is quite substantially needed! He is the reason I do (the good) things that I do.

My health has been not awesome. I spent so much time & years working toward an ideal, then so many years being my OWN...well, not ideal...but, being who I felt like being....that now it is very difficult to change my habits. Too fat, too drunk, too smokey. Yeah, I know.

BUT, I am working on it. Emotional ejaculation complete. Thanks peeps. Please disregard.

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