Have you ever had to put something down and never meant to not get to it but life ran away from you and it was another lifetime, another incarnation, and at least 5 years before you had or needed to look at it again? Recently, I have had to revisit some intense journaling and healing I had been working on myself over five years ago.
    
    First, I need to say it is a strange experience something surreal and straight out of Dali's imagination. When I was younger I never much cared for Dali's work until another artist gave me a unique compliment about an overview of my artwork. "Your work moves me. I feel a connection to the mystical with Dali sensitivities with his surrealism and Mucha with the Art Nouveau style and there is a definite ethnic flare or taste to your work. It is nice, refreshing and unique." Of course I still didn't get into a gallery on that statement, yet it gave me something to think about. I loved Mucha and hated Dali. Imagine, both in the same comment. I am learning to love Dali, but maybe never as much as Mucha. Yet I have seen some of Mucha's work I didn't like or felt he didn't articulate himself well in. Enough about art when I a speaking about writing.

    I realized all the goals I set for myself, all the plans that I had started... I am currently living. Some with a high degree of success and others could have more energy and need more work. It is unreal! The power of the mind to create and recreate, to make something into a reality is amazing. An idea occurs to you, you give it time and energy. The idea becomes part of your processes of thinking you now have a mental awareness of this thought. As your brain processes your thought you begin to have feelings about it, positive or negative. There is now an emotional connection to the original idea that has been transformed into a thought, which now gives you an emotional response. UNREAL! It doesn't stop there. You begin to believe or connect with this energy or not! You begin to dream about the idea, the thought and your emotions. Your subconscious begins a conversation with your conscious mind and now we have CONTACT! You begin to generate new ideas from this idea, which has transformed itself again into your reality, you have given birth! You create something. You say something. You do something. Your physical response is acknowledging its origin and development. If you believe it, it has the possibility to become reality. DIVINE!

    Do we even begin to understand the powers of our minds? We only use 20% of our brain? WHY? How do we access the rest of brain? What is it used for? How does it work? What functions does it relate to? I can ask thousands of questions all on this very thought alone. Once we begin to know something, there is a myriad of knowledge we barely remember or can replicate or have learned about our species.

    Is it possible for dreams to come true? Do you need to believe in Peter Pan? Do you need to click your heels three times? Do you just trust your super hero will save the day? I think belief is the end result of an imaginary spark. Be very. very careful with your divinity. When fire burns there is a lesson to be learned! Fire is dependent upon a spark to ignite flammable earth, fed by air to consume anything in its path. Destruction is a necessary part of evolution and growth.

I remember my great grandmother telling me, the ten years old me, that you will just know. That there is this feeling in your gut and everything feels natural, like it was always meant to be. She smiled and kissed me on the forehead "You will know here" and then took her hand and put it over my heart and said "and here."

A friend of mine says it is like color to everyone else's black and white. Another friend of mine tells me that it is persistence and perseverance, and what do you believe?

I believe as all little girls that there is someone out there that is my complement, my equal, my friend, my lover and that it is meant to be. I believe I deserve that love to consume me so that there is a kind glow about us both that everyone around us will know that this is forever.

Recently, I was invited to a wedding. I am so proud of the two of them for getting over whatever may have held them back and honored each other's spirit, because they are beautiful together. Their love radiating out to everyone they spoke to, touched, it truly was a fairy tale come true and they invited me! HOPE!

I have fallen in love more than once, and there is something different this time. My heart feels like it is ready to explode at the thought of him. Yet I am very much aware of our lives, thoughts and experiences, an intellectual connection. I am myself around him. I believe him to be himself around me. We speak the truth, even if it may offend. We explain our thoughts and feelings. I feel like I have known him my whole life and yet there is so much to share, to get to know, to experience. There is a comfortable -ness when we are around each other. A fit.

I had to let him go. He is engaged. I really hate having ethics! There are women who aren't, but I am. I need to honor that commitment. Maybe it was my family upbringing. If the engagement doesn't work out then that is a different story. I have to trust he knows how I feel because I have told him. He needs to figure out what he wants. I would fight tooth and nail for our love, but it is at a point where all I can do is be his friend. Love his friendship in return and look out for his best interests. I do not think she is the one for him. Yet I cannot honestly see past me loving him to see a future. So in the end, it will be his decision and I need to trust he will do what is right for himself and for whom ever his partner will be.

Another friend told me after seeing us together she was amazed that the engagement was still on. She believes that if we could have that kind of connection that it is only a matter of time before we have a chance to explore that connection. I have a firm belief in letting one thing end before beginning another relationship. Timing can suck, but there is the need for patience. I ask myself, what if I were in his shoes, what would I do? I to would need to make sure what I had was over. I would probably work on the friendship. Even staying alone for a time to make sure I wasn't putting any residual feelings into the new possibility and then follow my heart. I can only hope he is who I think he is. If not, then I need to revise my perception of him. Either way when you truly love someone, you love them for their strengths and weaknesses.

Love would seem to have many layers and depths that we have only begun to understand. Simply stated that all emotions are felt through the possibilities of love. Love as often as possible for when we leave this place, love is only echo of what we can feel here. Enjoy living life and loving as often as your heart will allow you too!

I have returned from 25 days on Retreat Camping as one of my best friends calls it. It never fails how I have managed to grow and become a new person in a little less than a month. I came home to many changes in my mundane daily existence. I am still trying to get my head around it. This heat is unbearable! I am having problems completing the simplest of tasks. I need to unpack and complete an unbelievable amount of work to be ready for the work year. It is amazing how fast time moves and days turn into weeks into the blur of a whole month!
Serendipity pays me a visit. I decided to splurge and by some very cool jewelry that I have been jonesing about for 3 years. Here is there website if you want to see their very cool products: . I decided that I liked the wolf pendant the best. I have been feeling very close to my family and other kinds of family like groups of people with a shared or common interest. I know the wolf is a symbol for family. Later in the week I speak to my elder and he asks me if I know the story of the wolf to the Lakota people. I said no, I did not know. He asked me "Why did you choose the wolf?" I told him that I know wolves mate for life, they travel in packs, the work together to hunt and survive, they have a highly complex social structure, and they have a strong sense of community and most importantly are loyal to their family! He smiles. With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "You are also teaching now, a new phase in your life, yes?" I nod affirmatively, confused with what that had to do with the wolf pendant. He begins the story: "The Lakota people were having a particularly hard winter and their people were dying and hungry. A wolf came to the medicine man and said "eat my flesh, wear my skin and follow my spirit." The medicine man took this to the Lakota people and they did as they were told. They killed the wolf and ate his flesh. They wore his skins to keep their people warm. They then follow the spirit of the wolf to find he led them to a valley rich in plants, and other animals to hunt for food. The wolf is known and respected to the Lakota people as a teacher. The wolf also teaches us that sometimes we have to sacrifice something precious to survive and learn to live.

I feel like life is in fast forward and catching my breath in the insanity of the current pace is a challenge. How do you hold time in one place? Would he stay still if I just asked him too? Is he that gentlemanly?
    I officially know what kelp feels like floating on the ocean. There are so many life lessons occurring in my life at this time I can barely digest it. I just realized it has been over six months since I have written a poem. For those of you that know me, know how unusual this fact is.
    Some of my friends and I have been in conversations about the interesting things that happen at certain ages in ones life. A group of my friends met out on Chippewa Street a couple of weekends ago. I forgot how many young women go out to find a person to connect with. There is no point to connecting with people with alcohol in your system. The real connection happens when you are sober! Man did I get drunk! I went out to find a good DJ, by my criteria it is a hard thing to do sometimes. We did it though! I was so happy with the mix I drank and danced until I could do neither or was it that 4:00am came sooner than I had realized and they kicked us out of the bar!
    Morning came and I was not pleased. I remembered why I gave up drinking 5 days a week! I woke up drunk. Being a responsible adult, my body clock woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep so began my day. I went to visit one of my neighbor’s who is for all intents and purposes a functional alcoholic. Looking like last weeks laundry entered his abode and asked him how he could do this to himself everyday, day after day? He told me to have another drink. We discussed the concept of the Hair of the Dog that bit me, to become sober. I told him, right now, I would prefer to just bit the dog back and he could keep his hair! I was sore in places that shouldn’t be sore. I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or some of the crazy ass moves I attempted in a drunken state. Finally after caring for my stomach and feeding myself and then visiting my parents, my mother convinced me to just relax on the couch where I slept off the afternoon! I then had to confess to my choir (we are a few member short of a full compliment) why I could not make it to mass. They teased me mercilessly! I’ve decided next time I am going out to dance and stay sober! I can still tear up a dance floor without inhibition if the music that is spinning takes you to another place!
    It is ironic actually. I realized just how much I gave up in my last long-term relationship! I remember waking up and first thing I did was turn on music, came home from work, cleaned the kitchen, doing the hated dishes to tunes makes all the difference, laundry, traveling, hell it was the fabric of my life. Then I lived with people who didn’t have my eclectic tastes in music and then I began dating a man that couldn’t dance. I thought I compromised. There is a heartbeat within the music, something that kept me thriving, striving and kicking. I did become lazy, but why argue with your significant other about music. It’s cool. It really wasn’t. I gave up personal happiness (the way I can make me happy â€" my responsibility â€" not someone else’s), exercise, a neat home, getting all my housework done in a timely manner, and a deep part of who I am. I dance. It is who I am. That is why the best job I ever had was being a DJ, I taught people how to be happy, enjoy life, to embrace their inner dancer, even if they felt it looked like an epileptic fit instead of an acceptable form of dancing â€" it was movement and the result every time they got to that point of release â€"SMILE! There is nothing better than that feeling. My joy came not only from dancing, but also from sharing it with others!
    It is about learning to celebrate. How do you celebrate life? What does the drum tell you? What universal secrets whisper to your inner being? How do you become one with the universe? How do you express yourself? What takes you to that point of release? What vibration moves you? Tune it in, tune into yourself. Sing. Write. Dance. Muses take me away to the land of Inspiration!

It never fails I plan to post at least once a week to once a month, because that just seems reasonable. Then I don't get around to it.

I am better and have survived fifths. One of my friends keeps asking me when I'll get to sixths! I am not sure any virus is a good one, so I will pass!

My father has been fighting an infection for over a year and this past weekend he went in for emergency surgery. His is now home and all is curmudgeonly and argumentative so he is on the mend. His foot really looks much better after the surgery. Yet does losing a toe led to losing the foot to losing the leg or does it stop and heal? *SIGH*

Work is busy, but keeping a steady pace. I am working on bringing in a large presentation to the whole school on the Saint John's Bible and Calligraphy with a friend. It is history in the making. Oh read the site if you are interested: www.saintjohnsbible.org.

I was so overwhelmed by this past weekend that I had completely forgot to go to a teacher-certification training seminar and had to reschedule.

"To the Pain, Princess!" On Sunday was the beginning of some serious tooth pain for 3 days it held me in its grasp and wouldn't break free until I found the right balance of sleep, pain medication and an emergency dental visit for the next generation of my root canal. Ask me when I am done if it was worth it!? But today my pain is at a monotonous 1 versus the solid 5 or 6 from Sunday, Monday and Tuesday morning. I am still irritable. I think next time I am going to have the tooth extracted, it's cheaper, there is less overall pain and less time with your mouth open!

I have a new library saga that I am in the middle of extracting myself from and trying to be reasonable, later update after the anger has subsided.

Completed reading the Ursula LeGuin Earthsea series. If you like sci-fi and dragons and magic and wizards and words of power, give it a read. I liked it so much it is on my Christmas list for the 6 hardcover volumes for my Sci-Fi library! That is saying something.

Have you ever been on a book hunt? Sci-Fi readers understand this more that other genre readers. There was a book that created a prequel before it completed the sequel and I found it in the hardcover version at a reasonable price on my errands on Saturday morning and couldn't pass it up. I have a great many other novels to read before I get to these precious jewels! There is something to be said for owning things, yet there is a freedom to not having anything. Of course now there is another book I am on the hunt for to see if the sequel was ever written. That will be the next order of business on my next library trip.

May life take you on unexpected adventures; remember to enjoy the journey for once you reach your destination there is only storytelling!

Today is the anniversary of both my grandfather's deaths. I was OK, most of the day. Well as can be expected when you're sick! I watched Missing Persons and some little kid in me remembered that there was something I needed to make sure I didn't forget. It is usually a rough day every year. I was very close to both my grandfather's.

I recently watched The NeverEnding Story II The Next Chapter. Cheesy maybe, but either way Bastian knew the importance of a memory. Some days memories are the only thing that get you through the day. Some good, some bad or just unusual. My family has gotten really small and I really miss my grandparents. All of them have past on to live another life somewhere out there. I love them. I miss them. I have grieved. I have been angry. I have been sad. I just miss the fact that I can't hug them!

Something so simple. A hug. Something we take for granted. There is a comfort in the embrace of someone we trust and love unconditionally and knowing it is returned. Family matters. I have tried to explain it before to other people and for all my verbosity I don't think I can ever articulate what I feel. I was in their lives for a very short time considering the span of their lives. I was blessed. I knew them both well. Very different in personality and ideas, but they both had fierce hearts and loved life and their families. I am honored to have known the light from the flames their souls brought to this life.

Sometimes I wish I had all the wisdom of their life experiences to make it through all the rough spots in my life. And then this stupid thing pops up... I was lucky enough to know my grandparents. I do not think that will be true of my children and I grieve for a loss that only the future will answer and yet this fear / grief feels solid and certain.

So here I sit spilling tears over the past and the future. When will we ever learn, right Gramps? We are supposed to celebrate their life and the accomplishments of their lives, one of which was me.

I love you and carry you in my heart and I will always remember!

I am highly annoyed with being sick so much this year. Teaching gives a whole new meaning to endurance, when it comes to ones health. I am now having regular visits to my doctor, not one of my favorite things. I figure more than 2 visits a year is too much and I am already there due to this infection/virus whatever it is. I felt decent at the beginning of this weekend. I took a small visit out of town for something important to me and my sanity. Came home Sunday, relax chilled out, everything is cool. Woke up this morning like I have the worst hang over in the world and nothing is helping except sleep. UG!
Light and sound feel like torturous things that were made just to make me wince. My head is pounding as if I were wearing a crown that was too tight, or maybe a vice made of metal unforgiving in squishing my brains to mush. Food is only taking the edge off. I hope I don't wake up with this hangover feeling. I really want to have fun with my kids tomorrow and can't help the feeling like this is only some half-life of my former healthy self.

My mom and I have a long standing tradition to sing midnight mass for the choir we belong to and I tried to take pictures with our digital camera, which I am learning how to use.

Unexpectedly I was invited to see A Tribute to Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers at the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra. It was a wonderful evening of beautiful music and toe tapping songs with amazing dancers dancing in the same style during the war eras. Jody Hess was an wonderful sight to see. Kirby Ward had an amazing ability to copy Fred Astaire's mannerisms and dance style.

The tenor at the beginning of the show gave a round of applause to all the veterans in the audience and I was highly impressed. That era was an entire different society, but a time when boys danced with girls and romance was a dream everyone desired. Beautiful dresses, dance steps, songs that stayed in your mind, and the thought of someone special right in the front of your happy moments. It was also a time of war, loss and people just trying to keep it together. People who enjoyed good cultural distractions and it maybe me realize just how much I miss the stories my grandparents would talk about "when we were your age..."

I got the opportunity to talk to Jodi Bensen AKA Ariel in the Little Mermaid. She was very down-to-earth and signed my program. What a great voice!

When I was a little girl and dreamed of being a dancer. Fred Astaire was my role model. He was plain to look at, but extraordinary when the music qued. A Hollywood producer was quoted saying "He can't sing, can't act, balding, can dance so-so." Just goes to show you what technology did for an entire era. When movies hit it big, so did Astaire and Rogers! Musical movies. Wonder what would happen if they put reality television with a movie musical...

Enjoy the Silence.

Once upon a dream
I thought I knew you
Every smile, every glance...
I thought I could
Trust you with my heart
So I took a chance.

I bore my soul
I want you to know
I said what I have to say...
I gave you my raw emotions
Ten years of friendship
And you threw it away.

Now on this day, an anniversary
I honor what we once had
A friendship that most would die for...
I send you silent wishes
"Love never dies, it only fades away"
Moments lost, now only thoughts to cry for.

I'll send you no birthday card
No hallmark greeting
Since you walked away...
We once shared - something
Our hearts once sang,
Now there is silence here today.

Di M Rivera © 2005,12th of November @ 11:25am