confidence in future miracles
only if roots take hold in these dunes
the ocean and the winds conspire against me

May day has come and gone. I always liked the first day of this month. it means only 4 more days until my birthday. good ole cinco de maio or is the de a di? 05/05/05. not too often that happens. pretty cool huh. well i feel as if i am selling my self out. I have an interview on tuesday, and well i already have a gut feeling that it is not going to be a job that i would want to be doing. I have been applying for sales positions. something i detest. Now i am not saying that it is a horrible job for everyone. some people are really really good at it. it is something that i am not good at. but i have come to the end of my rope working for this tyrannt of a man who is my boss. ah but summer is on the way, said it would be here in 15 min to a half hour. haha. thursday, my birthday i am going to spend the day in the village wandering around, hitting up a few places for drinks, browsing the strand, the best book store ever, and then head back to long beach for some live music. it should be a smashing day. my enteries really need some work. it doesn't feel like i am putting my best foot forward. well i am going to read and go to bed. early day tomorrow. i need to get out of here for a while.

False alarm from haikuster last week thursday. Really got me looking forward to the weekend. I was wondering if the santa ana winds had loosened their grip on the one with gypsy dreams. turning 29 in a week or so. cinco di maio. spelling could be off. its always a fun day, celebrating my birthday with a whole bar full of people. the festivities start in long beach around 2 in the afternoon. I wouldnt mind just spending a day wandering around the city by myself and then in the late afternoon, evening, cranking it up a bit. reading a moveable feast and really enjoying it. watched the first mass given by benedict the 16th sunday morning. pulled an all nighter. hahaha. it was actually quite impressive. the tradition, the throngs of people gathered to see the leader of their church perform his first mass. and then after reading he prayed to god that he should not be picked. i wouldnt say that this whole pope go round has made me more religious but it could have. it has sparked an interest in the bible really. i was given a book of poems by this guy who actually did a reading at temple beth zion. my aunt bought me the book, and it is called practical gods. the name of the poet escapes me at th moment. but it is a great book. the guy wanted to write poetry using myths, biblical references, and gods and goddesses of ancient times. Its a wonderful idea. something i would love to do. a lot of dylans music has biblical references in it. anyways. it the whole drama of the pope has made me want to look at how people can be better, or something of the sort. im done for now. looking for a new job

Ah yes lovely lovely spring has finally arrived! it makes winter worth the dreary last months of the ordeal. the first few months of the cold season are tolerable, actually a welcome transition from the heat of summer through the crisp breezes of fall. Spring here on Long Island seems to just show up one day and decide to stay. its like a friend who you have not seen in what seems like years just shows up at your door and stays for a while, no restrictions set by schedule or any other annoyance. And it stays until the springtime sun wakes up one morning and come noon, well you have the intense sun of summer. this season wakes the toes and fingers of the soul, shaking free the frost that settles in late januaru and februaury and solidifies into a deep ennui, a complete hopeless feeling with the relentlessness of the slush on sidewalks, and winds with cerrated teeth. The bodies senses wake up and a certain wanderlust takes over. You can smell it in the air, see it in the eyes, feel it in a touch. woke up yesterday and watched motorcycle diaries. Great movie. really enjoyed it. then got a text haiku from Haikuster and had the urge to drive out cross the big land to the other coast. tap my toes on the carpet of gold that rolls out into the pacific. it was a sad day when the pope died. not being catholic i still think the pope was a good man, though there are a lot of things that he stood for that i don't agree with. I believe he was good because he had hope for the human race, and for the goodness he feels is inate in us. I have been reading a book called the Faber Book of America, and i recomend it to all who may peruse this page. It is not a blow hard, chest beating self affirmantion of our capitalistic superiority, or morass (which ever way you may look at it. i feel you can look at it as the same, our superiority in material goods makes us the man who built his house on sand) the book is filled with eassays by the famous and those not so famous. Foreigners and our own citizens. It is seperated into "chapters" that are a very interesting way of dividing our national personality. Hopefully soon i will have the internet back in my apt, and i will be writing a lot again. i don't quite feel myself when i am not writing, as Haikuster knows, i have even been slacking in my responsibility in my haiku sending sorry!!!! i feel as if i have changed, that i have lost something, a friend when i am not writing. well anyways enough of that blabber. i will talk to you all again soon

The Low were great last nite. though i would have liked to hear more of their older stuff, and at the tempo i am used to i also know that it was to promote their new cd. anyhow. caught up with some old buds last nite, the haikuster being one of them, her and her mad lot of raging accomplices. i was actually all over last nite, from the concert to a couple of seedy establishments in town, then on to mohawk place where i caught part of a really cool band, then to bullys and finally on to fahertys. it was quite a nite capped off by some intense, or not so intense foosball. great game, really it is. we shall see what tonite holds. tomorrow is the daunting trek home to ny. traffic is going to be a bear. agckh. lousy anyhow i am off write more later enjoy the lovely day

Well its the day after the day, the big day of big eating and big laying around, of families coming together and being big and noisey, new little additions trying out their fawny legs, rumbling around issuing loud procolmations from their newly toothed yaps, while everyone looks at them in wonder and delight. the slightest change in their expression illicits a response of varying degrees from everyone in the room. its actually really funny watching how we (i use this term lightly in my case) adults respond to the children. twins, a boy and a girl (sure i mentioned thembefore) 14 months old. i taught nick how to stick his tounge out to be funny. i would stick mine out and he would try and grab it, so then he would do the same. it was quite a game for a while. then there was uh oh, apparently its an age old game that even i played. he would push the sippy cup off the table, and i would pick it up, then he would do it again. well that lasted all of two uh ohs. yeah i was not that enthusiastic about that one. Wednesday nite was an interesting nite. started by spreading some holiday cheer around during happy hour at bullfeathers. met some friends i have not seen in a while. actually they met me as i was eating and reading quietly in the far corner, well that ended when they rolled in like a pack of thirsty sailors. after happy hour went home to eat dinner with the parents and then take a nap in preperation to what i thought would be a nite of ranging around downtown and running into people i have not seen since the Clinton years. Well that didn't happen. just basically found out highschool friends don't understand that people change, are different, and that there is really nothing to gain by tolerating each other anymore. Its sad really. but that is just the way it goes. Taxied from the burbs to Elmwood where we caught the tail end of the biggest party nite of the year. it was fizziling out quite rapidly. as was my desire to continue the celebration. Its SNoWing! I know I still live in NY, but it somehow seems colder this year, and the cold has been someting i have always enjoyed. Plans for this evening are slowly coming together. The LoW concert, and then off to a party. fantastic. should be good. holiday cheer. though with that is that ennui that seems to attack me yearly. I really hoped that jana would have made this trip with me. holidays are the best time to be in a relationship, well not that any other time of the year isn't. just there is something about coming home, especially living away from family and friends, you come into town, wrapped up in wools and cottons, packages in colorful papers and bags, smells of wood burning in cold late autumn early winter crystal clear nite skies, warm wooden bars reflecting neons and laughter, slaps on the back from friends, great big hugs and smiles to match, cold drafts of fall and winter brews warming the frosty ears and limbering up vocal chords, families gathered in frosty windowpaned houses that rumble and move to the riotous laughter and evervescent love. in quiet moments a squeeze of the hand, walking out side stealing warm soft kisses inbetween wintery breaths, long drives home through bear tree stubbled mountains, along cold tired slowing rivers and creeks where tressel bridges stretch their legs to cross the cold waters, afraid of their toes getting wet, coming upon the great city, christmas's city of lites of diamonds sparkling in towers of nite highs, great christmas tree lites compete, superscede the majesty of these towering magnificies scraping the sky of which santa will wisk in his sleigh on that fateful nite in snowy childrens books decembers. when lovers look on each other with eyes of holly and ivy, soft, lusty eyes of flannel sheets, cold floors and warm feet exchanging gifts in pure nakedness wrapped in not swaddling cloths, but bed linens throwing shadows in mulberry candle lite. maybe the reason that love is so intense, magnified in the autumn, winter months is becaus
e everything is dormant, the trees, the grass, the sky, all have a bleak, deathlike quality to them. love, affection, passion, all include the promise of life, future, prosperity of the flesh, of the heart, of the mind.

home for the holiday, the drive up from New York was actually not that bad. that probably is because i left around 430 in the morning. it was a beautiful drive, the city all lit up and little traffic, well i guess that is relative to what i am really used to. while in my last post i was really looking forward to coming back to buffalo for a few days, now that i am here, i don't know how i feel about it really. there is so much sprawl out where my parents live. everything is so damn far apart. don't get me wrong i love space. it is a great thing to grow up with, but i think right now i much prefer a busy hectic setting. I am however looking forward to seeing the LOw on Friday nite. really psyched. catching up with a few people whom i have not seen in a while will also be nice. the holiday party schedule is already being scratched out, and it seems as though this year will be a doozy. I am really going to be taking advantage of that. i really am out of things to say, well not really, just that everything is whirrrrring about in my head so quickly that i need to slow it down, maybe a few pints of black and tan, we'll see. dee, hope to see you when you are in town.

contemplating my next move. yeah i can understand how the place you are can make you happy, content, excited, stimulate you, capture your heart, break it, but still want to be at home. weighing the pros and the cons. the rent i pay here a month could be a mortgage payment on a nice house at home, my parents are there, but i would be missing out on the cornicpoia of people that pour out onto the table that is this city. went to a party in astoria last weekend and it was very interesting. 99 percent of the people were Kerry men and women, they most all worked on the campaign, me excluded. my buddy who went was outed as a bush man, the whole crowd went quiet. it was as if the needle was dragged across the record. one guy asked me if he could use some of my material, because he though it was a bit, and he was a stand up. i was flattered. the party was really stuffy. too much politiking, and not enough fun for all, well i had my own little audience, so it was fine with me. one guy tried was like the ringleader of the pols, and he had a really magnetic personality, but he was intent on trying to prove his vast library of knowledge, and he starts blathering on about socrates, plato, and then moved on into poetry and other lit topics. he was quite suprised to know that i have read some "highbrow" items. so he right away wanted to be my new friend, and to know a basic list of what i have read. then my buddy announces that i had done readings of my poetry in brooklyn, so they were like say something. it was cool on one hand, on the other....eh...i have been writing a lot again lately. i wonder if misery, well not misery, but heartache is really the best muse. god i hope not. actually i know its not, but it does make for some dark writing. at times i feel like a junior highschool kid writing love poems that will never hit their mark. its like a closing argument and the jury does not need to deliberate. oh yeah for halloween i was wheres waldo! it was great. walking down the street people yelling at me, random people asking to have their picture taken with me. and i made it! reading subteranneans right now by kerouac, yeah probably spelled it wrong, its great. its a love story about kerouac and some black woman. not sure what her real name is, in the book its mardou. his is leo percepied. its the genisis of his love for her, and apparently the destruction of it. you know whats funny about falling in love with someone is all of the things you talk about doing, the little things that draw you to thoughts of them, act as burs in your heart.

it is in vain i try to paint,
draw your beauty with these simple words,
plain letters on this canvas of mine

i cannot wait to go home, yes that does sound defeatest, or as if i am running. i think everyone runs in their own way. can't wait to be home in Buffalo!

Great movie.....what is that saying life imitates art? or is it art imitating life? im not sure at times why things work the way they do. Saturday nite i had a bizarre not bizzare in an earthshattering realm, but just because it started with shameless flirting that always happens, and then got serious for a saturday nite. the conversation with one of my friends, who happens to be a girl, not young, actually older than myself. 34 or so i think. she is a teacher, and a great one at that, anyways the conversation. it was a discussion about music and sex, we were doing the normal harmless flirting that we always engage in and the question came up what do you listen to while gettin down and dirty. now not saying that this is for everyone, but i proposed the idea that in certain instances playing ones favorite cd's might not be appropriate due to the fact that we tend to attach memories to certain songs, and even scents. and this is just a little conclusion i came to after having that "trial run" relationship that can play out in anywhere from a little over a month to lets just say under half a year. then it just kinda fades out. comparable to a summer fling, you start seeing the person, and then you get comfortable, then for one reason or another it fades, the interest wanes, and bam you either don't give a rats ass, or you are down for a bit. well then if you do care and did have the misfortune of having attached the sounds and scents you shared together to the significant other of the then since expired relationship, you have to deal with that. it was a notion that we had not thought about really to any real extent, and it is ironic that high fedility is on right now. also karma played a bug part of the discussion. something i talked with my roomates girlfriend one evening at length while he watched the presidential debates. i heard the book, which the movie is based on takes place in london. another odd little jab at my karma as i am no longer seeing the brit girl who i had asked for meniu suggestions in late july. bob dylan, gotta love bob dylan.

Class was canceled, the workshop class that is. It was an huge let down. I was really looking forward to monday nites. Now all i have is the publishing seminar. oh well must make due. Last weekend was Irish Day in Long Beach. What a party. I guess the irish population in Long beach figured that St patricks day was not enough so every year the first weekend in october, they have a huge parade, and then wild partying ensues, well actually it begins most times before the parade even steps off. It was one of those days, where you are in bed at 8, sleep a few hours, then get back on your feet and go until close. Work is lousy, really lousy, and slow. Trying to find a halloween costume, though i am not really big on dressing up, there are a few parties that require costumes. Sitting here typing this, i am looking at my beautiful typewriter. Its a black glossy Underwood Noiseless Portable. Just got it back from the typewriter repair man. he had to tweek the space bar, clean all of the mechanisims, put new roller rubber on it, and a new ribbon. the guy does a great job. He worked on a desk top Royal that i have. That is a monster of a machine. The Underwood though, whew, its gorgeous. Sounds odd speaking that way about a typewriter, but anyone who has come into the apt, sees it and is impressed. It was manufactured in 1938, if i remember correctly, it came up from Greensboro NC as a gift, and i have been using it often since getting it back. Enough of that, sat in on a texas hold em poker game last nite, well actually i was like the bartender. Took place at one of the bars we hang out at, and after close, the tourny happened upstairs. It amazes me the amount of gambling that goes on down here in long island. Not to say that there isn't a fair share of that going on at home, in buffalo, it just seems more prolific down here. Everywhere you go, my friends are like, who do you like on the games today, or i took these teams and the under, you wanna play hold em tonite? the bet on darts, flips of a coin, just really insane. One of my friends ended up in the whole BIG, i mean really big, and every week, the book would send one of the guys to come pick up, almost like in a movie. shake of a hand and the money passes. For me i don't see the allure of it. I want to feel tangible results if i am going to spend money, food, drink, something that i can taste touch feel. I guess they do it for the high they get. Its funny how different things give different people highs. Just last nite, a simple phone call saying hi made my nite a lot better. The voice on the other end, that alone can change my day. it doesn't have to be that only though, something you write, a movie, shit like that, a sports game (though the NHL has royally fucked up) and i never understood how betting on a team made the game more exciting, i think they are mixing something being exciting, causing excitment, with something causing anxiety. i am going now, there is an fall arts festival in Huntington on the north shore, going with some friends from the city. should be good. talk to you all later.