Its odd when you realize what is happening in your life, when you really don't see it happening. It kinda feels like watching that movie where the deer, or any "helpless" little animal is standing alone in the woods, and the wolf, or coyote, or lion slinks up to its quary, and BAM, the little guy fuckin gets it. The difference is, in this instance I am completely alright with getting it. I am almost hoping that it is happening the way I think it is. Though I have had to make some tough decisions in order for this to happen, some of which have not been an issue for me in oh, i would say close to7 years. trying to make the right beach mtv call, knowing that whatever way you go is going to influence the rest of your life in one way or another. I mean in all reality, the reason I am in this current situation is in direct relation to the last time I was faced with a choice. It seems at the time i made the right pick, and then it seemed as if i had been foolish. Now however , perhaps, it is what i was supposed to do looking back . It reminds me a little of that cusack movie serendipity. yeah i watched part of that between catching some winks the other nite, though i missed the ending. i don't know, i have been thinking about fate and choices, and moving, and reunions, and where i am, and where others are. I have come to the conclusion i really don't give a fuck where i am in realation to others, i am happy where i am right now, and would like to move up, and when i say move up, i mean better myself, not really move up the tax brackets. there is a lot of things that i would like to have happen with this new relationship, (thats the thing stalking its prey) all in a good context of course, seriously.something that is difficult for me to think about at times, as i don't want to jump the gun, but also i don't want to be so aloof due to the past that there is the perceived lack of effort/interest/passion reciprocated. history, repeating itself. the irony of things that happen in everyones, in my everyday life.

Fell asleep to whitman's serenade
!oh democracy! lovers and friends
freedom, mornings dew upon your loins

rocking side to side along the rails in a rainy august nite remembering the first time i could remember, consciously remember a bittersweet realith of past happenings, hopenings the reason one or all remember is for the feeling, the sensation involved with the action the sensation of loss that begins in your stomach as if an ember was placed gently, quietly inside of you for the purpose of irritation to be quenched at your favorite watering hole or through the sweat of lust. the empire state building comes into view as the lumbering sliver in the nite rain train whisked along to its final destitnation, or was that the a momentary stop along its own rememberance of the tracks Penn Station Manhattan last and final stop for the westbound train filied with young dewy cunt eyes and old withered pricks waiting to stick out in the rainy nite glow electric like the magnificent Empire State, looking around i see everyone quiet with their mouths yapping noiseless yawns of blabber that do not interest me specifically but the din that rises from the motion of the lips and tounges and vocal chords while briefly interrupted by the swallow of bottle beer concealed foolishly in wrinkly brown paper, or not hidden at all.

written june 5th 2004


and so it was today, of june
two halves of an acorn did fall,
soon to blossom, an oak
in fields of southern suns

buddha sits quiet
beneath gangly green canopy
i stare out from behind frances' tears

Well, I did happen to get one response to my query on favorite dishes, and while it was quite helpful it does not look like i will be slaving away in the kitchen. Yesterday evening, while speaking to my date, i asked if there was anything that she did not like (ie. food, beverages) and it was then that she let me know that she is a vegan. So it does not look like i will be firing up the griddle. whew. now i just have to find somewhere that has vegan options on the menu. I don't forsee it being that difficult. Long Beach has a diverse selection of restaurants. I am finally nearing the end of the road with Visions of Cody, and last nite as i was tidying up the place, i ended up reading little gulps of this book i picked up while visiting my sister on the jersey shore. the books is titled HOBO. its by eddie joe cotton. looks really good. almost a modern day on the road, sort of. this job i have right now, well its, it drains you. i have not written a haiku in a couple weeks. i get home, usually after 12 hours and just crash. tonite i was so beat that i missed a party, and everyone going out in the west end. no good. feel asleep after getting halfway through some shrimp lo mein. didn't even put a dent in my beer. such a shame. it also seems like i do not see anyone much anymore. though i guess thats what happens after being a man of leisure for....oh....close to 10 months. though i did manage to make it out last nite to the whales tail to see one of my friends do an acoustic set and watch this drunk woman fight, literally fist fight her friends out front of the bar. it was really entertaining. she then though she could ride her bike home, yeah well that didn't happen, as she rode right into a parked car. fuck reality television. think its about time for me to hit the rack. hopefully soon this big blockage i am having will explode and i will burst forth with furious anger and you will know my name is the lord...forget it.. i just need to get typing.

As noted in my last entry, a few min ago, i met a beautiful Brit girl this past weekend, and well this weekend she is coming back out to long beach for our date. i'm going to cook dinner ( yes i am capable ) however, i wouldnt mind some ideas. Any fav dishes? i figure after that we would head out to the beach and then for some drinks. supposed to be nice this weekend.

So who here wants a mortgage. I was reading the Village Voice the other day and there is an interesting series about being young and in debt in america. it stated that most college grads end up paying off a "mortgage" as a result of their college years. Of course this is between those lovely student loans, and the credit cards we all signed up for to get a t-shirt or a mug. A mortgage. the other day while watching tv a commercial struck me very funny, it was about this guy who, well, was being portrayed as making it in america. one of the criteria he offered as a benchmark of being successful was a mortgage. Yup thats how i would like everyone to know i have made it, being in fucking debt. well if thats the case, by golly i am already there. of course not in the upper strata of debtors. luckily i am still in the small pond. On a brighter note I did meet a beautiful girl from London this past weekend. saturday nite to be exact. At a block party in Long beach. it was funny though, i was supposed to be in VA Beach for DMB. oh well. anyways.

how PROUD the grandparents are
as their progeny stand beneath rockets red glare
the children play oblivious to our world

driving through new jersey on summer nites, its no wonder bruce and bon jovi had such good material to write hits with. its a different kind of place. of course anywhere in this general area is. i guess i have a slight obsession with the east coast because of the mystery of it. one might not think there is any mystery but you can feel it. warm summer nite time parkway reflecting lines leading you through the salty sea fog that drifts in and fills your head. it keeps you here,the ocean, the dirty city,the worn sidewalks where the feet of hope and desire lust death poverty disease have walked and worn their lives into the permanance of the city .but while doing that i have this desire to see the west, the newness of it. oh wow, how strange a special on the pacific coast highway with George Foreman. i wonder if he has his grill on the trip with him. oooh they are showing bridges....i love bridges. especially now that i have a sunroof. something that i don't think i could really ever live with out now. well anyways..its a special about the pacific coast highway. something that amazes me. though i think i would probably get into an accident as i would be craning my neck to see everything, suck up everything with my eyes. did you ever wish that you could just take pictures with your eyes? or print out pictures from you memory. any of you tech guys reading this (which probably is nill) get on that ok. well its time for me to get typing on my old monster before going out for a evening of drinking in long beach. have fun all, hopefully i will get to catch up with you this weekend dee.