"Tales From Motel Rooms, pt. 1" written by Alison on estrip.org

09/13/05 11:00 - 73ºF - ID#20616

Tales From Motel Rooms, pt. 1

I waited for her there, all night to come back. Until fourteen past three, until I fell asleep to the television's mumbling lullabye. I said to myself and to her dog, "Well, she won't be back for at least another four hours", then, an hour later, "She won't be back for another three hours, at least." This didn't make the moon shift quicker, nor time in that room at the Super 8 pass any faster. The Fresh Prince still took a half hour to talk himself out of whatever pickle he'd gotten into as the paper of my cigarettes took their time at peeling away, exposing grey fate, dwindling downwards to nothing save a shaky grip.

The numbers changed slowly, growing larger with my hips, damned moon, and nothing in that room could help it. I clawed at numbers I could control, could wind down through the dreaded triple digits and help me take up less space on the queen-sized motel bed I'd have to myself, envying Sleeping Beauty. She who got to pass out one night, no aids required, and wake up with no bed-head and a boyfriend who could waltz in a world that was light, and she in it. In the bathroom mirror, squinting under artificial light, I held onto myself and wanted that, knowing from experience that it wouldn't work for me as it did for Aurora. As hard as I try, I cannot seem to trade a kiss for happiness.

I started thinking, a dangerous pastime, at noises from down the hallway, colored as any other in the northeast, wondering if it was her coming back early. Even though by seventeen I knew better, still I rushed to the spy-hole to catch full, lively, drunken conversation coming from shadows cast on the opposite wall. If I could live in the space between that Aurora of a room and the life flickering before me, I would. There, from my two-inch tunnel, I'd learn all I'd ever want to know about what could lie between two shadows, sweeter than tension and heavier than echoes, but no space at all. Not even two inches.

Permalink: Tales_From_Motel_Rooms_pt_1.html
Words: 355
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: life

09/13/05 12:11 - 78ºF - ID#20615

stress

have so much going on, ayie!! this weekend cannot come quick enough.
(e:ladycroft): i would LOVE to attend (e:thecarey)'s birthday party. if anyone's doing the carpool thang, let me know!

also, (e:drchlorine): yr ass is grass for that picture post, my friend.

Permalink: stress.html
Words: 45
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: i have no car.

09/11/05 02:40 - 56ºF - ID#20614

owie.

just left (e:pmt)'s. am sososo tired and headachy. tomorrow should be painful.
it was fun though.

to all the (e:peeps) still going strong: DON'T SMOKE MY CIGARETTES THAT I LEFT!!!!!!! pleasepleaseplease i'm poor and unemployed and there was like, a whole pack PLUS a lighter!!!!

oh, and david's locked out in the cold cause timika's got his keys. yeah.

Permalink: owie_.html
Words: 61
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: fatfatfat

09/09/05 11:25 - 63ºF - ID#20613

fat.

have decided that all the skinny girls i've put up in my room and locker and notebooks need to go. they were there for thinspiration, but maybe if i put up a bunch of fat girls i'd feel better, haha.

will i actually do this? no. drat.

Permalink: fat_.html
Words: 47
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: life

09/08/05 11:57 - 65ºF - ID#20612

wing-man.

i really want a wing=-man- like a clone of myself who could take my place whenever i'm too tired to handle something. like, when i have to talk out loud in class, or when i've got to talk to my lawyer, or when i have to get out of bed and shower for school. i could just say 'hey honey, it's all you', and second-alison would be more than happy to take care of things.
of course, i'd make sure i got to be the one to eat mcdonald's french fries, smoke pot, and have orgasms. but seond-alison would be okay with that, because she'd LOVE dieting for me and having to flirt and make the small talk with men that leads to the orgasm-having.

... i would never have to give another blowjob again, if i didn't want to.

Permalink: wing_man_.html
Words: 140
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: school.

09/08/05 11:48 - 65ºF - ID#20611

day three.

day three of my senior year, and i'onno what to say. i just want to go home. it's like, i've got all this divorce stuff on my mind and then people expect me to smile real big and be happy and do all this work and pay attention and it's frustrating. i guess i really just want to go to sleep.

Permalink: day_three_.html
Words: 61
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: beautiful people.

09/05/05 10:25 - 66ºF - ID#20610

my lemon love.

tomorrow is my first day of senior year.
wish me luck??

AL'S SECRET NOTE TO (E:PEEPS) ONLY!!!

I am scared shitless. Please don't tell anyone, or it will undo all the confidence-building that my leather jacket and stud belt will hopefully supply.

Permalink: my_lemon_love_.html
Words: 43
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: divorce.

09/04/05 12:21 - 64ºF - ID#20609

no good very bad summer.

gah. this is going to be another angsty post. y'all have been warned.

and so the dreaded divorce continues. my family is freaking out about my decision to go with my mother. a lot of people from my dad's side aren't speaking to me now. my grandmother told me that when i think of grandmothers, to think of the one from my mom's side because 'that's all you have now'.

so i've been pretty upset. i mean it's like i've just been dealing with all this shut up in this house. i haven't been able to go out except for like, twice this summer. my mom and i decided to take an impromptu road trip to franklin PA. it's this ridiculous hicktown, but we have a couple family members who just moved there from california so we got to see them. the ride down and back was hilarious, just my mother and i being dorks and smoking and calling on the spirit of thelma and louise. we left yesterday afternoon and came back this evening.

last nite i tried to get into a franklin bar with my mother and aunt but that town is so small they carded me, so i spent the nite at the super motel 8 in fucking franklin PA with my chihuahua, masturbating to fresh prince of bel air on nick at nite. my last friday nite before school starts.

which was fine, because i had tonite's date to look forward to. and then he bailed.

i'onno. i'm a stupid girl i guess. i got all cute and excited to go out and all and then, well, it's a long story that i'll hash out later but he bailed on me at the last minute.

i think i might go over to keith and jon's now for some much-needed chillout-ness.

i guess, in closing, i just want to thank everyone on the site who has been so nice to me and has offered me support. you really don't know how much it means to me.

take care, alison.

Permalink: no_good_very_bad_summer_.html
Words: 341
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: divorce.

08/31/05 04:39 - 71ºF - ID#20608

sugar, we're going down.

an insane week.

up until now, i had decided to live with my dad, so my mom was gonna move to arizona to live with her parents. i did this because my mom was drinking too much and i just thought that i'd be safer with my dad. obviously, this was not going to work out.
i've had a horrendous summer. no way to work because i haven't had a way to get to a job, no way to leave this stupid house because my dad's an asshole. and i can't do it anymore. i can't have him blowing up at me. i can't try and be a better person and get my shit together with him yelling at me all the time and expecting perfection when it's just not going to come. i'd make it come if i could, but i can't.
so two days ago he blew up at me about something stupid. except he was really scary. scary in the way he used to be, before he said he'd changed. it's the first time it happened in a long time, but i felt like the entire way there i had this sword of damocles hanging over my head. how am i supposed to try and be happy with all that pressure over my head? he could've blown up at any second, and he finally did. i won't go into the things he said, but they brought back enough of my past to solidify my decision. i'm living with my mother.

the divorce was supposed to be over today, but now it'll probably go on for another year because of my decision. we're all three of us going to have to stay here. we've been forced to stay living together for the past year and a half by the courts. i don't have any way to get to school or any money for school clothes or supplies which, sounds so bratty, but i can't help it.
i just got off the phone with my dad and he was talking about how mom and i won't have any money for college and how i'm going to end up pregnant.

kids take out student loans all the time, right?

i just don't see why he'd keep bothering if he hates me so much, i mean clearly.

gah. i need beer, and we are out. i suppose tequila will have to suffice.

theecarey writes at 11:35:33 09/03/05 - Comment #1021: I think the rest of the e-peeps have it covered, but I wanted to let you know that as sticky as this situation is, and how hard it will be, hang in there, and do not let the family feuding pull you apart. You will decide what is best for you.
As for funds for college, begin looking now and asking your guidence counselor for tips. There is usually a way to work out anything.
Keep safe, be good to yourself and look forward with determination.
carey

metalpeter writes at 06:00:02 09/02/05 - Comment #992: Some Schools do give aid and then what ever aid you get you can usaly get school loans for. But be verry carefull before you go to school. Really think about what you want to do as a job. Also look into the avarage pay of that job and how many job openings there are. Reason I say that is I knew someone who went to school got a degree and was doing what they wanted to do, but it was a low paying profession so they got a second job. You don't want to do what I did not have a job from your degree and have loans to payback for a long time.

You could try a cheeper school like a community college(find one where the clases can be transfered as credit to somewhere else). You could also do the elmwood plan. That is where you get a Job on elmwood or the sourounding area. Get a couple friends and share an apartment and go to school part time or if you have enough money with out loans fulltime.

joshua writes at 07:46:03 08/31/05 - Comment #933: Your father needs a fist straight to the jaw.

alison writes at 04:43:34 08/31/05 - Comment #932: yeah, thanks you guys.

ladycroft-- my problem is that my dad's fairly loaded. yeah.

ladycroft writes at 04:21:04 08/31/05 - Comment #931: Until you're 25 schools can still factor in expected parental contribution. Even so, you should still be able to get a loan, unless they are loaded. Keep in mind you are only allowed a skimpy portion your first two years, so school selection is important. In other words, you might want to hit community college (if you can't score some type of scholarship) then transfer to another institution. If you need help with any of that, just ask, I'm a professional student.

I'm truly sorry you have to deal with the consequences of your parents' dysfunction. Finding stability and safety in the place we call home is important to our well being. Look at all of your options before coming to a decision. Take care of you.

jason writes at 03:47:24 08/31/05 - Comment #930: I'm really sorry you have to be in the middle of that mess. You have my sympathy. Maybe your dad doesn't hate YOU, maybe it has to do with anger toward your mother, and you are the closest thing around to your mother. I have no idea. I'm not a therapist.

Hang in there. You've got a lot of epeep friends who will be very supportive. Change does not come quickly. It never does.

paul writes at 03:45:21 08/31/05 - Comment #929: That sucks but you can get loans, then you won't be dependant on your parents. You might have to go through a hundred hoops to get them though if you parents have money but it is totally possible.