So I guess I've got some updates...

My wrist and both elbows are pretty much up to speed and I was back to work by May 29th. Mickey was an awesome boyfriend through the ordeal. My Dad bought me groceries to last through the month while I was healing, and I relied on that as much as I could when applicable, but Mickey did help me out a lot. I tried my best to just remain busy and active and use my arms and wrist as much/as realistically as possible so they didn't get to weak or stiff, but now that I'm back to work, I can really feel the difference in strength.

I want to really try and start a gym regimen at work or school, but I'm rally timid to try and I wanna find someone to go with who'll either show me the ropes or is an inexperienced as I am, so I can pretend to take charge and learn. the idea of working out in front of a room full of people seems mortifying to me. When people are looking, they ARE looking to judge/check you out, don't tell me otherwise. I know.

Naturally we had more disagreements about moving in/not moving in and I had had it so I told him never to bring it up again unless he was 100% certain and actually wanted me to move in, and planned on actually asking me to do it instead of insinuating it and he agreed. Well, he did that, but now he wants me to move in like... when i get back from Boston >...>;;;

I'm in Boston! For free. A student at UB desparately needed a patient for an exam who's mouth and cavities were in a specific location/condition, and about a month ago she found me and asked me if I'd sit for the exam for her, so I agreed. The weird thing is that before I got injured, I was planning to maybe go on a trip to either Montreal or Boston, but then it just didn't pan out financially... since I was injured. And then I got to go anyways. Basically she just needed to do a filling or two in order to fulfill some requirements. The cavity she chose to use in my mouth was larger than she anticipated and a little to close for comfort to my tooth pulp, so it took her nine hours to do the filling with a silver amalgam. It was my last molar on the lower right side, just before the wisdom tooth. My jaw was in so much pain by the time we finished that I couldn't even manage to fit the muffin in my mouth from the free food they provided at the dental school (Tufts) I was so hungry but I couldn't physically manage to make my mouth do it for at least an hour once some advil kicked in.

Back to moving in - After he expressed hesitance so many times in the past about it (even though I never asked and he was always the one to bring it up) and I finally hit the wall and told him not to bring it up anymore, now I am the one who feels hesitant and afraid to do it, ironically. We spend most of the week together anyways and my rabbit and cat are basically in the care of my roommates and that's not cool. I usually only spend 1 - 3 days at home per week, so I'm paying rent at the wrong apartment. What makes me want to leave amherst street is the distance from everything i frequent and my roomies. they are cool don't get me wrong but roommate A is kind of an alcoholic and can't find work and his unemployment is about to run out, and roommate B is really frustrating concerning money and having to track him down for it every month. I'm tired of being in charge of finances in every single living situation I've ever been in. I want someone else to be in charge of money for once. Or to share responsibility with.

The semester is over with and I got 2 As a B and a C. I'm registered for 4 classes already for next semester and I got an internship at the Bilingual Academy as a Teacher's Assistant, but I still havent recieved any details about it. Also starting the June, the Applications have opened for Suny New Paltz's Sevilla study abroad program. I am going to apply, I am going to get in, and I am going to go. Nothing is going to stand in my way of becoming fluent.

On the topic of Spanish, I no longer have a conversation group every tuesday to go to, so I need to find a way to use it more. I thought of starting my own group but I am really intimidated by that idea, because if I lead the group and people show up who are more fluent than I, I will feel a little silly. But someone needs to lead it. I'm also developing my goals on what I want for myself, what I want t do in Buffalo, and where I see myself in the future. It's all the in between work that I have to get through. It seems so endless and so limited at the same time. I realize everyone has their own unique pace in life, but I still feel "behind" but really, that's an illusion; an anxiety. I am afraid that if I really pursue this dream that it will take me away too much, and that scares me because I finally feel like I have a chance at planting true roots and developing a home and maybe a family, so the idea that I might have to compromise that or that it might fall apart because I follow a dream is deeply frightening and saddening to me. Someone who pursues linguistics or a specific language must have to travel a lot. I think my biggest obstacle here is trust and confidence. In the here and now, I don't often have problems with that, but if i get to fixated on the future, the fear really takes over.

I have so my many interests. I will become fluent in Spanish, I want to study linguistics, I want to become fluent in Korean, study there one day, be fluent/learn japanese, maybe mandarin, esperanto, and a lot of others. I want it here, I want to create it here, make some kind of a strong, progressive, thriving language center here because we don't have it, and I want it, and I don't want to settle anywhere else but here. I guess that's my dream. To found or move something like that here and have a living thriving center of linguistics/languages in Buffalo's core.

Oh, hey, back to earth..!

I've incurred a lot of medical expenses. A lot. like, really a lot. It'll be a month and a half before I'm finally caught up enough financially to start paying them off. There's nothing else I can really do about it.

It's possible I can still manage to get a second job for the summer.

I recommend to you try out Clean Bandit of Spotify, or watch the Rather Be music video on youtube... The new Röyksopp and Robyn collaboration EP is also really good.

check'em out:



The clean bandit video is super super cute.

Well, hello estrip. Been a while. At this moment, I'm on a bus to new york while Mickey is draped across the aisle like a trout. Or a plank. Haha... things have been a tornado-y hurricane-like whirlwind of go go go at all times.


I started ub in august, and i guess i.like it. I hate the hour commute. I've never wished i had a car before... hm.
My classes are all pretty interesting with the exception of 1 painfully boring professor. I'm excited, i guess. I'm finally taking the courses I've wanted to take. 2 Spanish courses, a korean course, and a linguistics course. So far i think I'm doing well. My attendance could be better, but what's new?

I started a new relationship, too. I couldn't be happier with it. The dynamic is different from anything else I've experienced. I foresee good things over the horizon.

I also moved! Amherst street ain't bad, but it's no elmwood village or Allentown. I'm never really home either. My room is huge though.

It's kinda tough making friends on campus. Foreign people stick together and all the Americans are all 'don't look at me' and 17 years old. I'm also the oldest person in every single class I'm in. That's what was nice about ecc ... it was so diverse. I was never the oldest person in the room. I was taking human sexuality with men and women older than my (dead) grammas.

That's not really important i guess.

I have to get serious about my study abroad. I gotta settle on a place.

weirdness: yesterday, i left the house to do laundry. 15 minutes later i return, and the strawberry plants are ripped clear out of the planter from my front porch... okay, wtf. Then Jenn and I head back out to have food at the Essex, and upon returning, there is a plunger wrapped in a liquor bag stuffed in my mailbox. What.

So the notice was given in the mail about whether we are staying here or not; No.

I'm mostly feeling okay but i smoked a little last night and had an inner-freakout about it... I think i kept it under wraps pretty well.

Yesterday i had a really good vegetarian pulled porn sandwich - it was made with spaghetti squash! An old schoolmate cooks there now. He's super hot still, kind of hotter. beardy guy with a fantastic physique. i want to gnaw on his calves, kind of?!

today is... i don't know. bleagh.

had some beautiful days and moved plants around the house.... moved some outside onto the porch and played with the bunny.

been kind of reeavaluating my ife and what i want and kind of coming up short of answers. I'm not sure what i'll pursue with lanuages but it's what i'm good at. I want to write more.

been procrastinating on the letter to brandy, but i'll try to just sit down with it and write it up so i can finally post more about my trip.

I've had such a pathetic lack of money. it's been a little scary at times, when i look in the fridge and there's nothing in it, but i manage to eat. having worked just one day this week because of having off is freaking me out about rent and bils. shut off notices...

i'll pull through and figure it out. I always do. :)

Sunday was a whirlwind. I woke up and got dropped off at home, then headed immediately back out once i was dressed. I got pet food on the way to rehearsal. I was a bit late, but got there by 1:30. Seems like everyone is really coming into their characters. i got a lot of compliments on my reading...

The questions seem to be trickling out, like i expected. On one hand it makes me worried, and on the other hand, it releives me that i have advice to give someone where i had no one to give me advice.

After that, i headed stright to Daniel's house for a barbecue. His family and friends got together to meet Brandy. She must have been so nervous... I didn't have a lot of time to socialize with her or anything, so i chatted up Daniel's grandma. what a cutie that lady is. i love old people.

Bran looked adorable in her skirt and tights (leggings? idk).

I stayed for about an hour, then had to head straight home for my own family get together. April pretty much cooked everything. I was just too tired to help...

all in all it seemed to go well. Kathy and Dad came over with a graduation present for me. I was quite happy to receive that. It will help very much in iceland. I realize now that i will be kind of on a shoestring budget while there. i think i will do pretty much no eating out while there. maybe a bit. i'll just have to buy groceries and cook for myself while staying at the hostel.

It was nice to have a family event where everyone just seemed to get along just fine. Towards the end, i got seriously peopled out. i'm glad it ended early.

I'm supposed to be packing.

I have had an incredibly fun past several days. and an incredibly interesting past few days.

from both bare-handed and wooden spoon spankings, to showing my managers the profusion of dick pics i receive lately at a gay bar, to receiving fist fulls of condoms from little latin gay boys at a straight bar... from much needed sexytimes at unexpected times and places, to interesting sister-bar-fight-broken-finger-stories, to... so much more.

I think after tonight I will finally be tuckered out. it has been one long event since tuesday night last week. and it all culminated in a strange full night evening indeed. I think every single person i know, including myself, was faced with some form of a challenge or another.

life is truly interesting. I enjoy observing it. sometimes it gobbles me up and then spits me back out, though. splat!

today i went to the first read-through of the play with most of the actors out in bidwell park. Mikey, my ex, has a new boyfriend, and i play opposite him as his character's love interest.

Why is my life a soap opera? I guess i could choose to not be in the play if i really wanted couldn't handle it, but I see it more as a challenge that i can meet. a sort of test of the strength of character I possess. I think i can be totally cool with this guy and even make friends. just not with mikey. I guess it's not so bad, I guess. I think some people would be too freaked out.

i went for coffee at aroma after.





since it was so busy 2 weeks ago at work, the check i got just this last friday was rather substantial. it covers rent all by itself. so that portion, i consider spent.

Iceland is coming. I'm really cutting it close with getting everything figured out. I'm just not a planner. I figure it out when it comes to it. That just doesn't scare me. i know i'll be fine.

but that's if i get to go. there's 1 problem. My sister got into a bar fight with the bartender's wife at her new job she just got a week and a half ago. like face punching, rip earrings out, hair puling, dragging across the floor fight. She might not have a job anymore.

this means she might not have a source of income. again. The last time i had a major trip planned, this happened - her losing her job. I had almost saved up all the money i needed to buy tickets to Istanbul, had gotten my passport, was figuring out transportation in the city... nd then she lost her job. AND michael was short on rent. so i had to use alllll of my money to pay rent and bills.

I know i don't make much, and if i decided to go to iceland despite my sister possibly not having a way to pay her rent in july, we'd basically all be fucked... but i am considering just letting us be fucked so i can go on my stupid trip.

i think i have enough friends that would be more than willing to put me up if it came to that, but her... Not so sure. Honestly, i don't think it will come to that.

like always, i think she will land on her fet, and so will i, and so will michael, and we'll all be fine, just like it always turns out. I just feel like the stress she causes other people with her shenanigans is really unfair. but then again, i'm sure i must do unfair things that she can tell me about.

It's been interesting lately. I think?

over the last week i worked a ton. i was a busy rabbit with school and work x_x Sunday, I went to (e:paul) and (e:terry)'s to check out the bike, and i asked if i could wash my work uniform while i was over. I ended up helping garden for a few hours, and I had a lot of fun. I really love getting dirty like that. I love playing in dirt and digging things and touching plants. :) couldn't have been w more well spent sunday. I had dinner there. Paul and I were supposed to ride bikes after i gt it up and going but we ended up just watching clips of maria bamford and kasha (a dragqueen/youtube personality). Maria Bamford makes me laugh so hard. She's so weird, I love her humor. here's a clip...



here's a good one of Kasha



i left in hopes that i'd get a lot of my essay done, but I got a paragraph and a half in and fell right to sleep.

Yesterday I finished my last day of classes at ECC. In 4 hours, i completed 2 final tests, and wrote a 7 page essay and got it handed in before my professor left his office. Then i worked, of course... after, i ended up biking over to Rita and shared some drinks.

I slept over after we had some long talks about various things going on in our lives. We usually have some pretty good talks :)We're like each other's counselors, haha...

The next morning she woke me up with breakfast. i slept like a rock! After i left, i ended up biking towards home, but i had this intense burst of energy and just decided to keep going...


that's roughly my path... i mean it's not crazy, but i just had so much energy pent up. had to get it out somehow. When i finally got home, i was a sweaty mess. But that didn't stop me. I just powered through and went on a cleaning frenzy. I was like a tornado of fire going through the house. That shit is clean. I swept and mopped the entire house, cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, did the dishes, repotted plants... I was literally on hands and knees scrubbing floors and walls. i also was able to get one of the kitchen windows to finally open. it was painted shut so i just went at it with a butter knife... i did so much heavy lifting.

after, i went to my spanish group... we weren't very productive today :P we just kinda gabbed. I biked there and back...

tonight i'm supposedly biking with Jens, and possibly Rita... not sure where, but i figured we'd just go in a direction.

The bike (e:paul) and (e:terry) let me use is way better than my last bike, the seat is so comfortable, and i sit nice and high on it. It rides a lot smoother as well. It doesn't go as fast as my last one, but that's pretty irrelevant. I don't have to go as fast as i did on my last bike. honestly, it was dangerous how fast i'd go.

soon, i'm cooking dinner for myself. we'll see what i rustle up... it's nice to have the place to myself. michael is sequestered away and april is over at sarah's for the night. :)

Tomorrow, I graduate. I will have an Associates in Arts (and sciences?). Then to UB...

I seriously have a ridiculous amount of energy right now. I feel like a supernova. I'm going to need to get sexed at some point soon, or I think i will just combust. It's been kind of a while. >_< Gahhh!

so, the other night i made this amazing fritata... and i just finished it. it was amazing. I took a photo but my phone ate it... the file is just gone. :D i found them! :D i can't recall having had better... today, i stopped slacking on my kombucha... bottled it up and brewed a new batch. this time, i bottled it with raspberry and strawberry! i blended them up before mixing it in. i sort of had to because I'd let the kombucha ferment for 2 weeks, so it's rather tart.

sometime, I'm going to write a tutorial. a lot of people had suggested i teach a class in how to do it... ha! i can't imagine that very many people wouldn't be able to figure it out like i did. it's pretty easy.

___

so, i don't really know what's going on with the universe and all of it's lovely coincidences lately, but it's been getting weird.

so i wrote that nostalgia blog the other day and decided i would send mikey some well wishes, but i stated that he didn't have to respond, just that i wished him well. well, not only did he respond, but has moved back to buffalo, around the corner from me, and in with the woman who wrote the play i'm in... and wanted to get coffee.

I was so not ready for that at all. the last experience i had with him was terrible as it consisted of me tracking him down as he wandered the city being a crazy person so his family could find him and pick him up. i was significantly more upset about it days ago, but not so much anymore. nonetheless, i can't have him in my life. i can't. he creates too much chaos and stress for me. The very thought of being near him sends me into a bit of a panic. i forgive him for a lot of what i experienced in our relationship, but post relationship, when he continuously found a way into my life is what i have a hard time getting over. the amount of stress and grief he caused is significant i won't get into all of that, though.

Alex has recently been drunk texting me again that he loves me. i never respond.

Alfredo (we never technically dated, but i would consider him a love) has suddenly been talking to me again and getting really flirty. he always comes to me when things are not going well with his business or boyfriend. it's sweet that he still regards me fondly, but it doesn't necessarily feel too great to be some kind of escape/plan b.

Michael (not mikey) seems ... i don't know how to explain it. maybe i shouldn't read into it, but he seems to really be trying to spend time with me more lately, and has been doing little things for me here and there that i would consider "cute" but he is a naturally caring/nice person, so i really don't know what to say about that. he made me dinner and cleaned off the table and put a flower in the middle... kind of reminded me of old times in our apartment on virginia. It was nice, but i just don't know... I have a hard time going back to something. i don't know if i even really feel that way anymore. I don't think i do, about him. i've only ever dated someone again/given it another chance after a break once ever and i don't think i'll be making a habit out of that because it was a hard lesson to learn.

he is permanently friend-zoned, me thinks. but he's a good, good friend... We understand each other pretty deeply.

gosh, maybe i should just throw an exboyfriend party. that way i just make it easier to conspire together so they can better confuse the shit out of me, hahaha

the only one who hasn't contacted me is Gökhan... but that's understandable. he was pretty furious when i broke up with him. I just couldn't handle how long distance it was...

is it normal for people to still be on speaking terms with almost all of their exes? i feel like it is not.

so much stuff happened!

monday was just classes, i think? I'm not sure about everything I did. I know i ended up going to lunch by myself at tokyo shanghai bistro. I also saw a good friend, Sandy, who owns inspiration point bookstore. What a breath of fresh air. My socia problems professor said things that offended me as usual. that woman IS a social problem. She's under this impression that she's so forward thinking and that we're just these uneducated dolts who don't know shit about shit, but some of the issues she brings up really cause a stir in me because she will sometimes talk shit about things she has no clue about, or at the best a limited perspective/experience with. hmph!

Tuesday was okay. I had spanish all day mostly. class, then a break in between, and then the convo group. it was so nice, we sat out on the ashker's patio. we got our pictures taken for buffalo spree. i forget what for... what else? hm... I can't remember.

Wednesday, class, and made this yummy wrap from tunafish i've had FOREVER, and spinach, garlic, seasonings, cheddar, green salsa, and sour cream. I hade some delicious berries on the side.

then i ended up going with Rita to see Gloria Steinem speak at UB. It was a great talk, but nothing i was unfamiliar with or also didn't agree with. I was more focused on the ASL interpreters. I have met one of them before, years ago. they were so fascinating to watch. i'd like to retake asl and further my knowledge in it. i really loved it. maybe i could become an interpreter?

After, we went to wegmans to buy groceries to cook dinner together. we ate at her place and had drinks and sat around laughing and talking and discussing intense feelings as we are often apt to do together.

We really are like yin/yang versions of each other at times. She has such an interesting way of approaching things mentally/emotionally, and i think our ways of perceiving things really compliment and enhance each other's state of mind. She brings up things i may not think of and i bring up things she may not think of. I really enjoy discussing with her.

I think with a lot of friends I'm able to have depth-filled and introspective conversations with them, and i really get so much out of it. I feel like i figure out and learn so much just from sharing view points and considering all the sides we both have to offer. It really gives me a sense of fulfillment to share that with someone. Light conversation certainly has it's place and it's uses and as I grow older I am better learning it's importance, whereas previously i hated it (and sometimes still do) but not everyone can just jump straight into the deepend of the pool. they have to test the waters and wade out there as they make sure it's safe and comfortable. And, sometimes, it's the better way to go for me at times. Hm. thoughts... what weird things.

I slept over and thursday, upon waking up, ended up eating left overs for breakfast with blush mimosas. so much nomz....

after, I met emily for lunch at Madonna's, after deciding I wasn't going to campus first, and then deciding not to go to Cafe 59, or Don Tequila's to try it out. I did snag a menu though...

The food was so good. I ordered the smoked mozz sticks to share, and then a eggplant parm sub with pasta salad. I adore eggplant. especially smothered in sauce and cheese. I tried their blackberry lemonade+vodka smoothie... wow. those're dangerous.

I walked her back to work with baby in tow. So apparently she works at NYCLU! I had no idea! wow... there office is super interesting. I feel like you could live in it. then i went to code blu juice bar. I got the Pine-A-Go. Mango, banana, coconute water, and some type of yogurt/cream. it was so refreshing and tasty on this hot spring day. I was just what i needed. I've been there before and loved it just as much. I suggest it.

after, i went to campus wheels to buy some new tires and inner tubes. through this process, i learned how to take off tires, and replace them, how my quick release wheels work, and a few other things.

It's fun to figure these things out on your own. :) Tanya came with me to campus, and helped me get one of my tires back on - it was the presta wheel (i have mismatched wheels) and it was tough to get back on.

I would probably have sex with every single employee there. how are they all so hot?! it's like you have to meet a hotness quota to work there.and they are all such different types. i was so focused on one that i didn't notice that a guy standing next to me in line was literally glued to me the entire time. Tanya pointed it out. It's nice to look, but i am not quite sure i am up for touching yet.

I'm comfortable this way, I guess. Still have some things to think about before I move forward with any of that business, anyways.

What a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic day it was. I enjoyed every bit of it.

friday was all kinds of crazy. I met with a friend for a glass of wine and got to see a cute baby, then i went to Stevie's master thesis exhibition and had more to drink, and then with rita, i went to (e:xandra)'s birthday extravaganza. i ended up getting 4.5ish hours of sleep and went to work at 10 am, and felt fine-ish by 12, got out by 3, and slept for 15 hours straight.

and that was how friday bled into sunday. i ended up getting a lot done that day. then we had friends over for dinner :) spaghetti sunday. April works with the hottest ginger man, and he came over for dinner. it was painful to look at him. ugh...

monday, i did a lot... read that poem in between classes, and then i went to a friend's apartment to read a few lines for her play she's written and i got the part. I will play a very flamboyant gay man, and will have to wear drag at some point. i'm incredibly frightened to do it, but i'm gonna just do it.

I was surprisingly comfortable reading for her. I tried for a few characters, but i guess it was an even split with any of them. the guy in the couple i'm playing opposite did not read as well as i did, so i guess she just threw me the part with more lines? idk, i hope i can do it.

I guess it starts in august.

it's glbt themed play mostly about the different flavors of relationships or how they happen the same as hetero but with different nuances etc...

I then had a test to go to for social problems. weirdly enough, i felt like it was the least important thing i had to do all day. I was tested in other important ways that day, and i feel like the personal gratification i derived from them was far more valuable to me than this scan-tron crap test.i mean i still think i did well, but...

immediately after, i went to see part of the movie Bidder 70 it was kinda cool, but i really felt like a lot of it was devoted to performing fellatio on him and how awesome he is for doing what he did. which was awesome, but... idk. it wasn't really about the bigger issues of fracking for gas and oil, mountain top removal... he covered some of the economic impact of it (creating poverty and destroying property values) but a lot of it was about him and his activist organization he's a part of. I wish it was more about the issue at hand than some sort of promotion for him or his group. I'm sure they didn't mean it to be that way, but it's how it seemed. Rita and I didn't finish it. We went to Mezza for dinner with her brother Raad instead. it was so good, but i think i like Rita's better. I got the falafel panini, but the wrap as definitely superior. it was all yummy.

her brother is actually a pretty cool guy, just a bit of a negative nancy.

today is another gorgeous day, and hopefully I get even more done.