I'd really like to not feel locked out... I have no idea at all. I feel crazy but i'm restraining myself so much. Yes, i'm cognizant of circumstances, life's obligations, etc etc... I think i'm mostly just having moments of selfishness.

For now, i just need to find ways to distract myself instead of thinking constantly... maybe i'll do something creative. Distraction doesn't really work for me... when i've got a feeling, there's really no escape for me. i either feel it honestly, or suffer the consequences later. I'd rather feel it honestly.

I'll write some poetry, i guess.
__

fuzzy light from my window
dims just a bit, and particles,
snow?
float by
is it really that cold today?
i shift in my blanket
...quiet noise
"fwish fwash fwash"

tests, notes, facts
meaningless required knowledge
drips from my fingers
oozes from my ears

a dull throb
takes its usual station
its post

my chest is host to the cosmos

soon it will compact
then it will explode

I will be a new whole
but composed of archaic
pieces,
ancient portions

I guess we all have our ways.

::DOWNLOAD SOUND::

writing about these things really does help me. I can proceed through the day without feeling that chest pressure...

off to ecc for an exit interview and then home to take a test and off to work...

michael got back from florida last night after being with family for just under a month... I kind of probed him a bit to see how it had gone since he wasn't exactly bursting at the seems to tell me.

as usual, he had to navigate a lot of deeply embedded emotions, and old... grudges? traumas? idk. I sensed it put him in a goodish mood to talk about/share his feelings with me, but it ended up bringing me down a bit. i love him very much as a person and i consider him like a family member now, more than anything, and i just want him to be well, and to prosper and to feel okay.

There's only so much you can do for someone as far as talking things through, but even talking about it helps a person out. it's remembering to shut up and just be understanding that can be the tricky part. I like to think i can do that, but now and again i find myself offering advice that no one asked for.

April got home and was in a fowl mood. she got demoted from manager position at work because of work politics. my heart goes out to her, but it's hard to handle all these emotions from various directions. Her and David started fighting because she wanted a glass of wine on her birthday night and he couldn't handle being around it. fun.

I just wanna write this essay but it seems like the swirling mass of details from everyone else' life and the sense of rootlessness i've had lately is just really taking me into the clouds. I'd just like to feel grounded enough in this moment to start. maybe venting this out will help.

There's just so much depression in this house... I'm not a depressive, but it really gets to me. It's hard to focus, to remember everything i'm supposed to do, and then when i mess something small up, it seems they can't handle it at all, so i have to hold myself together better than they are. It seems like my presence here only serves to be a feeling of anchor or peace, which i'm happy to give, but I'm human too, and sometimes i can't be what you want me to be. My role is mine to decide, mine to be.

It is in moments like this that i wished i lived completely alone. it's difficult to recharge around such swirling cosmos of intensity and uncertainty.

I can only further say how appreciative I am of my chance to feel normal and happy and carefree every few days. When I am with (e:paul) and (e:terry), I can feel some sense of calm, affection, fun, adventure, peace... (all very different feelings, but enjoyable none the less) even though it's not possible to completely escape my day to day problems.

Courting two men at the same time invites a whole new bevvy of complications and things to learn that i've never dealt with before, but in true Robert fashion, I notice the interesting timing of it all, the impeccable parallels between so many different things, the extraordinary opportunities, challenges, and rewards of overcoming my fears surrounding it all. Sure, I have fears, but I am doing it anyway. In my gut is "yes. do this." Nothing good ever came from ignoring my gut feelings, and i refuse to deny indulging thoughts like "what if this all works out? What if this becomes something completely amazing?" I realize that it is kind of unrealistic to expect the best, but i won't expect the worst, either. like i've been saying, i'm really trying hard not to place *any* expectations, honestly... I can't afford to, this is already a big enough step for me. but i wonder if that's the right tone to set?

No matter what happens, I am going to be fine. Whatever the situation, i manage to always land on my feet, somehow. States of grace? I don't know...

updates about the last week to come. (not like you all haven't read about most/some of it in paul's blog... haha)

cross posted from LJ... I guess it doesn't matter who reads about my feelings, i assume those who would be affected see my lj anyways? so it doesn't really matter. I guess i'm worried about coming across as... crazy? lol maybe that's not the word. argh.

____

these next few days are gonna be pretty busy.

tomorrow i've got class, and then work. saturday, i'm working from 10am to... probably 9 or 10 at night... sunday could possibly be skiing in the early morn, and then back to b-lo to work 3 to 10 at the adams mark... then school most of the day on monday. thank god it starts late on tuesday x_x it's not like i don't have a choice though. i choose this busy-ness i guess.

today's been interesting... I didn't have class today because i just don't on thursdays, so i went to cafe 59 for lunch with Terry and Heidi... Casey joined us later with stories of late night adventuring. :)

I felt pretty nervous. I started out being around them just being able to touch or kiss any time i wanted to, and now that i don't have that same permission it's a little difficult. It's hard to disentangle that kind of neural connection with seeing them, and quite honestly, i really don't want to.

Paul says i should just go for it, but the idea of rejection paralyzes me. Didn't he say he wasn't ready? This is so nebulous and confusing.

I can't focus on my studies at all. I feel like i'm going to do fine anyways, but it's weird to me how not-nervouse i am about school work. i don't actually have a lot to do, it's mostly all reading. i found out that i can pass my tests for contemporary science by just searching the text book pdf for the terms in each question. the test is 2 hours long so it's as if she expects us to use the book anyways. what kind of moron would take 2 hours to take this test??? there's no way this will count for a science credit at ub, lol... it's too easy.

I delivered him some coffee later, and maybe i coulda put the moves on then but i felt way too deer-in-headlights and jittery from nerves. i said it was caffeine why i spilled some of the coffee, but it was definitely nerves... and caffeine.

I feel so silly writing about all of this but in a way, it helps me communicate my feelings while escaping the scary prospects of actually saying them out loud. I'm pretty good at communicating how i feel until it gets intense, because the pressure becomes so great it just seems impossible to release them. like there'll be some explosion. Should i say it out loud? Probably. idk. *pulls hair out like crazy person*

i'm going to try again to focus on studies. Either that or pine away lol... maybe i'll cook first.

oh! I also started making kombucha again! after 3 - 4 weeks of getting a nice scoby growing in a smaller jar after i got some culture from Rita (who originally got it from me!) i transferred the living mass of goodness into a gallon pickle jar with delicious black tea.

I can't wait to share it! pretty soon, i'll be back up to 2 gallons a week, again. I missed having it around to drink all the time.



gettin' all picturey before bed. i can't wait to afford a new phone, so my pictures from the front cam aren't so grainy and crappy anymore.