I'd really like to not feel locked out... I have no idea at all. I feel crazy but i'm restraining myself so much. Yes, i'm cognizant of circumstances, life's obligations, etc etc... I think i'm mostly just having moments of selfishness.

For now, i just need to find ways to distract myself instead of thinking constantly... maybe i'll do something creative. Distraction doesn't really work for me... when i've got a feeling, there's really no escape for me. i either feel it honestly, or suffer the consequences later. I'd rather feel it honestly.

I'll write some poetry, i guess.
__

fuzzy light from my window
dims just a bit, and particles,
snow?
float by
is it really that cold today?
i shift in my blanket
...quiet noise
"fwish fwash fwash"

tests, notes, facts
meaningless required knowledge
drips from my fingers
oozes from my ears

a dull throb
takes its usual station
its post

my chest is host to the cosmos

soon it will compact
then it will explode

I will be a new whole
but composed of archaic
pieces,
ancient portions

I guess we all have our ways.

::DOWNLOAD SOUND::

writing about these things really does help me. I can proceed through the day without feeling that chest pressure...

off to ecc for an exit interview and then home to take a test and off to work...

So i've been reading this webcomic for about a year and some change now... I haven't really been in love with a webcomic like this since boy meets boy *tear* or friendly hostility... and i was seriously attached to those comics, like, in a relationship with them. hahaha... i felt like i knew and loved those characters, like they were really in my life. i laughed, cried, and commiserated with them. I saw them grow and evolve, and change, and move on... in ways i had yet to do myself, mostly, because i was still in middle school and then high school when i began reading them.

And now there is the less than epic aventures of tj and amal.
(here) I love this comic. it has all of the trappings of stories i love - adventure, suspense, romance, scandal, nostalgia, and action (some). There's great character development, there's awesome art, a ton of site features, things you can buy.... something unique to this comic is the way the author/artist,
E.K. Weaver, heavily incorporates music into the storyline.... one or both main characters are always singing some line from some song. it's fun when you're able to pick out what you know. i'm pretty sure there's a key on the site to tell you what songs she's using when.

I dunno if any of you folks are much into webcomics, but this is a great one to try... She also has another that she wrote in the form of small strips based on her year working as a server while struggling to find professional work, here i loved it, although she hasn't continued it in a long time.


(hopefully i don't get in trouble for posting this art.... i didn't make this, nor do i own it. It belongs to E.K. Weaver)

i can't really remember what i did last thursday? hmmm... friday, we went up to toronto to see andy c. It could have definitely been better but i tried my best to just enjoy myself... it was made difficult by much douchebaggery and guys shoving me around.... one even followed me around shoving me, it was ridiculous. the drinks were outrageous, i felt terrible. i should have just had beer.

we went to dinner at spring rolls before hand and that was really nice :) the food was yummy, but i feel like i should have had sushi. my dish was pretty yummy, though... (e:terry) and i order the same thing, it was basically teriyaki udon.

the next day, i had eggs natasha, same as (e:paul). but instead of bacon, i got avocado on mine. it was so. so. good.

driving is really stressful in toronto... big cities in general, i can imagine. i will never recommend it to anyone. i've never done it until when we left to go back to buffalo, and even what little i did drove me a little nutty. Terry did the brunt of the city driving... i've only ever taken the bus to toronto, or someone else drove who knew all the secret lots. i much prefer walking, bussing, or trains in toronto to get around, it just seems so crazy to find parking.

I drove the whole way back to Buffalo. I've driven a comparable distance before, from jamestown to buffalo and back, but this was way busier with more ridiculous drivers... it definitely wore me out. But i got us home safe and sound :)

Sunday was kind of a lazy day.... we went to the gem show and i did some light reading on the car ride. Game night happened and i learned to play dominion! i loved it. (e:heidi) and (e:bluevelvetjack) taught me my first round. I cannot wait to play again...

Today, i went home and was able to have a minor recharge. i went to cash my school check and booked nyc bus tickets, for when i go with (e:xandra) to see Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. then i booked my hostel stay in toronto for next weekend. so everything's in order and i had to use zero pay check to pay for any of it... phew! we're staying with my friend jenn when we stay in ny.... i can't wait to see her!

when did this happen?? i took the train today and there were these pylons? posts?

my only thought is that they block people from hopping though train links. i didn't know that was a thing.

Hello spring! you are here and thoroughly manic-depressive. you start out all pretty and then you go to shit.

Wednesday was gorgeous for most of the day... I slept in a bit. I tried to do laundry at my dad's but my key wouldn't work? So I went to my mom's around the corner instead and we watched terrible lifetime movies together while i waited for things to be done.

I forget how comforting it is to be a lazy couch potato with my mom... that used to be one of my favorite things to do. just laying around the house watching movies or listening to music, talking, or in silence with my mom. She's one of the few people in my life that isn't uncomfortable with silence. I really like being in silence with people.

To me it was never a lacking. silence is not absence. it's presence. it's fullness. It's bonding. and feeling, too, i guess. It's not that i have nothing to say, it's that sometimes nothing is as valuable to me as those quiet moments. With anyone. I like silence as much as i like throbbing music so loud your heart vibrates. (a lot)

I've been thinking of not taking my headphones with me all the time. I didn't wear them on wednesday for part of the day it was nice to actually hear the sounds of buffalo for once.

work was okay. The party i worked didn't show up in its entirety. 10 of 16 showed up, so it was pointless to have 2 people work it... but I got to work with Tracey, who i love to work with. because she actually does work.

i also finally got my kombucha back from my dad's house and bottled it last night.... it's quite vinegar flavored this week but it also has a bit of fruit... i guess it's similar to apple cider vinegar? but no as bad. I had (e:paul) and (e:terry) try it.... not a hit. haha! Next batch will be suitably dericious.

Tuesday has been, for all 4 semesters back at ecc, Spanish day. it was once very exhausting but recently it doesn't leave me so brain dead anymore. i feel like I've progressed so much. i can follow everyone in the conversation group without much problem and I'm able to participate with relative ease. i don't think I'll ever gain full confidence until i study abroad though... the implications of going away for an extended amount of time make me a bit nervous for various reasons ...

class went well... no one showed up, so i was able to participate a little better. i get nervous in front of native Spanish speakers, so i kind of clam up. i really liked the poem we read, La Higuera i really like the 6th and final stanzas...

group went well. it was my turn to read from La Casa de los Espiritus and i feel like a had the shortest but most difficult paragraphs to read. so much underlining happened.

interesting conversation and strange acquaintances popped out of the woodwork. it was mostly a good day. :)

pic dump!

monday was alright. It started off awesome, actually :)

after my first class, i went to the crane library and got some pretty good studying done before my test in social problems. I think I did reasonably well? I still haven't gotten the grade from my first test back? wtf.

i came home, cooked, then went to Jens' place to drop of the traveling thoughts sketchbook (https://ramblingsofanartist.wordpress.com/category/traveling-thoughts/). I can't believe i had it as long as i did! 3 months instead of 3 days. >_< he's going to draw in it, then send it off.... he works at fedex, so he gets a discount. We had a few beers and some good conversation, then i headed home.

I've kinda just been curled up in bed since... it's interesting how things can change so drastically from day to day. I guess it's all about perspective, huh?

My sister April has been so chatty lately. she went from never really being home or doing things with me to following me from room to room with unending chatter. it's so weird. last week when i clearly finished the conversation and indicated that was going to hole up in my room and study/internet, she continued talking to me in my door way - i had shit to do! i couldn't get a thing done. i don't necessarily hate it, it's just odd how much she's intereacting with me now. Before, i'd try to cook dinner or we'd make plans to have movie night together and she'd just be "too tired" or "not hungry" or just not come home that night. but now she complains that i'm gone so much... hmm.

tomorrow is a long day. i need to be in bed 3 hours ago.

st. paddy's day was tons of fun.... i got out of work earlier this year because i closed last year. \:D/

the night previous we went to the shamrock shakedown. not all of the music was that great, but some of the rooms had awesome music. the bottom and top floors were the best... Rita, (e:heidi), (e:dianne), (e:xandra), (e:yesthatcasey), (e:paul), and (e:terry) all piled into two vehicles and made our way to dnipro... i got some prime dancing in! The drum'n'bass upstairs was def my favorite. the middle floor was just so.... blah.

the parade day was pretty busy. i'ts been years since i was actually able to be in it... i think it has been 9-7 years. maybe 6. i've always had to work! on top of that, this is one of my better experiences with the day.... most of the time it's been dealing with obnoxious drunkards coming into the places i worked...

work that day was fairly more easy that i really thought it was going to be. I was in a side room with several families who were friends and wanted to be together in a separate room from everyone else. honestly, it seemed like a sweet deal to not have to be stuck in the giant dining rooms like everyone else. they got to actually hear each other talk unless they were out getting food from the buffet. They were all easy to deal with, and i had no problem tracking who got what. I was working with someone who's pretty good, also... so that was a plus.

after the parade was pretty interesting and fun... everyone else was far more intoxicated than i, but i managed to stay at an even level once i achieved a comfortable level. I was not interested in becoming ill or getting completely ridiculous... success! We got up on the roof, and i spotted a gaggle of girls who were doing jello shots in front of the house... eventually we went outside and invited them in to engage in the consumption of spirited libations with us. :) that was neat.... and then they left. their jello shots were tasty.

after a while i got so tired, i kind of just wandered from room to room until i settled on the firm conclusion that i ought to sleep. i fell asleep in (e:xandra)'s bed for a moment until i came downstairs and fell asleep on the couch... then i woke up and went to bed in the real bed.

michael got back from florida last night after being with family for just under a month... I kind of probed him a bit to see how it had gone since he wasn't exactly bursting at the seems to tell me.

as usual, he had to navigate a lot of deeply embedded emotions, and old... grudges? traumas? idk. I sensed it put him in a goodish mood to talk about/share his feelings with me, but it ended up bringing me down a bit. i love him very much as a person and i consider him like a family member now, more than anything, and i just want him to be well, and to prosper and to feel okay.

There's only so much you can do for someone as far as talking things through, but even talking about it helps a person out. it's remembering to shut up and just be understanding that can be the tricky part. I like to think i can do that, but now and again i find myself offering advice that no one asked for.

April got home and was in a fowl mood. she got demoted from manager position at work because of work politics. my heart goes out to her, but it's hard to handle all these emotions from various directions. Her and David started fighting because she wanted a glass of wine on her birthday night and he couldn't handle being around it. fun.

I just wanna write this essay but it seems like the swirling mass of details from everyone else' life and the sense of rootlessness i've had lately is just really taking me into the clouds. I'd just like to feel grounded enough in this moment to start. maybe venting this out will help.

There's just so much depression in this house... I'm not a depressive, but it really gets to me. It's hard to focus, to remember everything i'm supposed to do, and then when i mess something small up, it seems they can't handle it at all, so i have to hold myself together better than they are. It seems like my presence here only serves to be a feeling of anchor or peace, which i'm happy to give, but I'm human too, and sometimes i can't be what you want me to be. My role is mine to decide, mine to be.

It is in moments like this that i wished i lived completely alone. it's difficult to recharge around such swirling cosmos of intensity and uncertainty.

I can only further say how appreciative I am of my chance to feel normal and happy and carefree every few days. When I am with (e:paul) and (e:terry), I can feel some sense of calm, affection, fun, adventure, peace... (all very different feelings, but enjoyable none the less) even though it's not possible to completely escape my day to day problems.

Courting two men at the same time invites a whole new bevvy of complications and things to learn that i've never dealt with before, but in true Robert fashion, I notice the interesting timing of it all, the impeccable parallels between so many different things, the extraordinary opportunities, challenges, and rewards of overcoming my fears surrounding it all. Sure, I have fears, but I am doing it anyway. In my gut is "yes. do this." Nothing good ever came from ignoring my gut feelings, and i refuse to deny indulging thoughts like "what if this all works out? What if this becomes something completely amazing?" I realize that it is kind of unrealistic to expect the best, but i won't expect the worst, either. like i've been saying, i'm really trying hard not to place *any* expectations, honestly... I can't afford to, this is already a big enough step for me. but i wonder if that's the right tone to set?

No matter what happens, I am going to be fine. Whatever the situation, i manage to always land on my feet, somehow. States of grace? I don't know...

updates about the last week to come. (not like you all haven't read about most/some of it in paul's blog... haha)

busy with school things, so I'll flesh out this entry later... so behind!

• edit - 3/19/13

it's hard to remember everything but i'll do my best...

showed (e:paul) the fish market on niagara st.... everything is so cheap there. he seemed to like it! (e:terry) went with him to eat there a few days ago, actually... i think?

i ended up freaking out about this essay that i got the due date confused with something else, so it was late, but it appears my prof. is going to be fine with it. it was stupid, it was just a short research paper, but i had such academic anxiety over it. for the most part, this is my least worrisome semester yet. i'm not too concerned with how i'm doing, yet the last 3 have been hell as far as anxiety goes... idk what's up? maybe i just have other things to worry about.

we ended up going to little rock city... I had so much fun. i really am an outdoorsy person on the inside, it's just that i never had much of a chance to explore it except for when i was little. I've also never really had friends who do that sort of thing on the regular, so i didn't really know where to go or what to do. I ran around and climbed on things :) i also wrestled and had snowball fights. it was a ton of fun.

we went out to eat later.... we were so soaked and i was pretty dirty. we didn't care though! i was so inappropriately dressed... haha

Also, another thing that happened between now and then was that Tanya got a call from fedex and got the job!

Congratulations Tanya! :D It really sucked hearing she got that rejection letter... but then she got that awesome call! Kind of a tease, but she's finally getting out of 7-eleven!