Well, my mom admitted herself to buffalo general the other day. it was actually friday, but she didn't tell anyone until saturday.

I ended up not finding out until much later that day after receiving an upsetting text message at work from my roommate Michael. After calling around and texting every family member a zillion times, i finally got the information out of Sarah. It was a non emergency, and she's fine, physically. She is getting released, today, tuesday after they monitored her for a few days and upped her dose. I went to visit her yesterday, an she seemed to be doing well.

I confronted April, finally.

Last night after she had been causing a raucous for a few hours, i finally hit the wall. She'd been playing loud music and being loud with my other sister, then fought with my other sister, then fought with her boyfriend a few times on the phone... In the middle of her creating drama on the phone with him again, i i finaly got out of bed, walked to her room, and made her hang up immediately.

I began to explain that I was done, that I had had it with her screaming, etc, and it turned into a full on screaming match for a moment. It quickly turned civil, though. I am just not a screamer. I don't have it in me. I was so... repressed? anxious? angry? that when we sat on the couch to talk about things, i was physically trembling. I couldn't stop for 20-30 minutes while i tried to explain myself and my frustrations. This naturally upset her, because she'd never seen me like that before.

I think it was my body just kind of dealing physically with how emotionally upset i was with her. I've never trembled like that before. I was quaking.

Towards the end of it, i think i got my point across... That when I'm home, I just want to feel safe, comfortable, and secure. That when she yells so much like that, it's impossible for me to feel comfortable or safe.

She did the whole crying "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm so terrible, i'm the worst, you hate me" thing but that's not what i was looking for.

i don't care if she's sorry. I wasn't there to talk about how terrible she is. I was there to talk aout how i feel about the way she acts, an that i want a change, or something. Sorry doesn't solve anything. Sorry doesn't work.

it ended well, i think? i got my point across, she seemed to understand my frustrations...

I don't know if anything will change.

listening to your sister threaten physical violence over the phone to people who owe her money.

I'm so mad that this happens in my house. This is not supposed to be a violent place. The best part is that she chooses to do it literally right outside my bedroom door. Where do I go? This is my only place away from everything.

I have to confront her eventually.

The screwed up part is that prior to this, so many friends were looking for roommates all at the same time. it's like the universe was trying to tell me something... (get out, don't live with your angry, crazy sister)

but then again, this could just be one more lesson in me getting a backbone... I can't be a pushover my entire life. Hm. Thinking about that, I realize how many other ways i'm presented with that same opportunity.

I guess a little journaling can do the soul good.

You know... It never ceases to amaze me how much yelling my sister manages to fit in one day. i literally do not comprehend how she can even yell as much as she does... like, she will fucking yell about pretty much anything if it is even remotely upsetting.

I don't even yell when i am at my most furious. I am not even sure if i've raised my voice at someone since my first ex.

The kicker is that when she starts yelling, pretty much right away, she will start to tell the other person not to yell, EVEN IF THEY AREN'T YELLING. This just happened. She was yelling at her boyfriend (i am amazed they are still together) and he got frustrated and *sort of* started raising his voice defensively and she goes nuts telling him to stop yelling.

how inobservant do you have to be?

This all probably comes of as judgmental. I am just so tired of hearing her yell at her boyfriend, our mother, our father, our sister, her friends... it's always someone. Never seems to be me, but maybe one day she'll flip on me, haha...

It's just that i don't see what yelling solves, it just makes a tense situation more tense, and then everything gets out of control. Why can't you just listen to each other? Why is everything a screaming match? I really don't get it.

Last time i got yelled at, i was running around at work trying to get this specialty boozy latte made and i was the last server in the building with one manager and one bartender... and we were all in separate corners of the building (if you've seen the buffalo club, you know it is fucking enormous), so my manager couldn't find me... and when i finally got it done, she started to go ballistic, and i just shut her down immediately. i can't handle being yelled at at all. i can't think, i can't talk, i can't have any logical thoughts. my vision closes in and i see spots, and my back gets really hot. it's not for lack of being yelled at, it's just that as time goes on, i seem to have less and less of an ability to handle it. I said "please stop yelling at me, the drink had to get made, no one was around, so i did it, it's done, stop yelling, it doesn't help" and served my drink/desserts...

well, that was a pointless story.

the point is, everyone should yell a little less and actual progress in solving disagreements might actually be made. the end.