My vision is so bad today. When i close just my left eye, my right eye can't even read things across the street or see faces.

Well, my mom admitted herself to buffalo general the other day. it was actually friday, but she didn't tell anyone until saturday.

I ended up not finding out until much later that day after receiving an upsetting text message at work from my roommate Michael. After calling around and texting every family member a zillion times, i finally got the information out of Sarah. It was a non emergency, and she's fine, physically. She is getting released, today, tuesday after they monitored her for a few days and upped her dose. I went to visit her yesterday, an she seemed to be doing well.

I confronted April, finally.

Last night after she had been causing a raucous for a few hours, i finally hit the wall. She'd been playing loud music and being loud with my other sister, then fought with my other sister, then fought with her boyfriend a few times on the phone... In the middle of her creating drama on the phone with him again, i i finaly got out of bed, walked to her room, and made her hang up immediately.

I began to explain that I was done, that I had had it with her screaming, etc, and it turned into a full on screaming match for a moment. It quickly turned civil, though. I am just not a screamer. I don't have it in me. I was so... repressed? anxious? angry? that when we sat on the couch to talk about things, i was physically trembling. I couldn't stop for 20-30 minutes while i tried to explain myself and my frustrations. This naturally upset her, because she'd never seen me like that before.

I think it was my body just kind of dealing physically with how emotionally upset i was with her. I've never trembled like that before. I was quaking.

Towards the end of it, i think i got my point across... That when I'm home, I just want to feel safe, comfortable, and secure. That when she yells so much like that, it's impossible for me to feel comfortable or safe.

She did the whole crying "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm so terrible, i'm the worst, you hate me" thing but that's not what i was looking for.

i don't care if she's sorry. I wasn't there to talk about how terrible she is. I was there to talk aout how i feel about the way she acts, an that i want a change, or something. Sorry doesn't solve anything. Sorry doesn't work.

it ended well, i think? i got my point across, she seemed to understand my frustrations...

I don't know if anything will change.

Was a great pride this year. The best one that i can remember going to in quite a long time... or ever, really.

I had an awesome weekend despite some family issues that kind of snuck up on me.

I feel like things are going well in ways i didn't really expect and I'm grateful for that. I mean, of course there are things that stress me at the moment, but... i manage. i think?

I think if i just accept that i am perpetually surrounded by crazy people, it will bother me a lot less.











omg i had such a crush on the purple boy. He can sex me.

Last thursday, i worked the lunch shift, and then went out to lunch at cafe 59 with (e:terry) and (e:heidi). i got the barbecue portobello sandwich. 'twas quite a lovely lunch :)

after, i went up and took some food to erica. w sat and talked for a while. she has these cool pads of paper with lots of art and designs on them, and you can kinda just use them for crafty things... she made these folded up things that i shot would be pretty cool to turn into lanterns if you put the fat bulb christmas lights in them... i wanna try making them.

she has a beautiful singing voice.

i got some laundry action in, and then met with john to rehearse a few scenes with him. honestly, it went pretty well. seems like we'll get a long just fine. he kind of reminds me of myself. Which makes me worry for him.

this was my favorite thundercats shirt for years, but it got too tattered to use... so i cut it up to see if i could make it wearable again.

i guess it looks okay? i am shy to wear it out... but we'll see.

cleaning my room, i took out my keepsake boxes to put some new things in, and i found my old summer camp ribbons. i loved going to summer camp!

honestly, i think this is the first memorial day i've actually done something? I can't believe i didn't take a single picture. I had too much fun observing, me thinks.

the BBQ at (e:paul) and (e:terry)'s was an awesome time! :) I was surrounded by nothing but good people. I didn't bring anything, but i became (e:hodown)'s little kitchen helper, and helped do a lot of cleaning once everyone was done eating.

It was really fun to be in the kitchen chopping and cooking away with everyone packed in there together, laughing and talking. I got to meet little Zoey and her sisters (sue me, i forgot their names, lol). How adorable and bright is that kid? It was a hoot watching their antics. I love kids. Maybe I'll interact more next time :)

I think it is officially time for me to go into hiding for the next week or so. After 7 days of full throttle, I am exhausted. I will never know how some people live like this all the time. I am way too introverted for it. I need recharge time, and i barely got it this week. But it was fun none the less.

My fingers are so bruised from frisbee. I kept slapping it instead of catching it, haha... I've never had finger bruises before? it's a weird sensation.

I could not get to sleep last night. I think i should have gone home... i had to go home to get proper shoes anyways. shoulda coulda woulda! :P

i had a great day today. i ended up working the lunch shift, then went to the bank. most of the rent is there already, so that's gonna be good. i also had a talk with april about money... seems like things will sort themselves out like i thought.

i'd like to complain less.

After that, Stevie and Michael picked me up after they left the burchfield penney. We went for dinner at Amy's Place. I got the biff sandwich and we all split veggie wet shoes. they both got lentil berry sandwiches... everything was so good! i had a lot of liquid... coffee, water, cream soda... i've peed a lot today. my tonsils were feeling swollen last night and earlier but now i feel fine?

We were having conversations about all of these transitions and such, and then stevie discovered my coffee cup and turned it towards me. what a coincidence... my life is just one big coincidence. a grand synchronized dance.
it really is weird how many seem to be happening.

we tried to find a book store to go to after, but everything was closed early? We ended up going to sweet_ness 7 for desert drinks and ended up playing a really fun game of scrabble. Soon after arriving, the storm began. it was kind of magical, the way the air felt, the music, the sound of the thunder and rain, the dim lighting, the feeling of closeness with my friends... I live for those small moments of magic. They make me feel human again.

Brandy is coming, soon. She comes the 6 - 10? of june. I can't wait to have her near again. We always resume right where we left off. Much fun will be had. If possible, i will take her to that soul night event. i had an unbelievable amount of fun the last time i went. i have to go to this one. i missed the other ones.

when i got home, i sat on the porch, watching the storm. it was nice.

went to an Edm event last night. it was kind of terrible, but we managed to make it fun anyways.

I have had an incredibly fun past several days. and an incredibly interesting past few days.

from both bare-handed and wooden spoon spankings, to showing my managers the profusion of dick pics i receive lately at a gay bar, to receiving fist fulls of condoms from little latin gay boys at a straight bar... from much needed sexytimes at unexpected times and places, to interesting sister-bar-fight-broken-finger-stories, to... so much more.

I think after tonight I will finally be tuckered out. it has been one long event since tuesday night last week. and it all culminated in a strange full night evening indeed. I think every single person i know, including myself, was faced with some form of a challenge or another.

life is truly interesting. I enjoy observing it. sometimes it gobbles me up and then spits me back out, though. splat!

today i went to the first read-through of the play with most of the actors out in bidwell park. Mikey, my ex, has a new boyfriend, and i play opposite him as his character's love interest.

Why is my life a soap opera? I guess i could choose to not be in the play if i really wanted couldn't handle it, but I see it more as a challenge that i can meet. a sort of test of the strength of character I possess. I think i can be totally cool with this guy and even make friends. just not with mikey. I guess it's not so bad, I guess. I think some people would be too freaked out.

i went for coffee at aroma after.





since it was so busy 2 weeks ago at work, the check i got just this last friday was rather substantial. it covers rent all by itself. so that portion, i consider spent.

Iceland is coming. I'm really cutting it close with getting everything figured out. I'm just not a planner. I figure it out when it comes to it. That just doesn't scare me. i know i'll be fine.

but that's if i get to go. there's 1 problem. My sister got into a bar fight with the bartender's wife at her new job she just got a week and a half ago. like face punching, rip earrings out, hair puling, dragging across the floor fight. She might not have a job anymore.

this means she might not have a source of income. again. The last time i had a major trip planned, this happened - her losing her job. I had almost saved up all the money i needed to buy tickets to Istanbul, had gotten my passport, was figuring out transportation in the city... nd then she lost her job. AND michael was short on rent. so i had to use alllll of my money to pay rent and bills.

I know i don't make much, and if i decided to go to iceland despite my sister possibly not having a way to pay her rent in july, we'd basically all be fucked... but i am considering just letting us be fucked so i can go on my stupid trip.

i think i have enough friends that would be more than willing to put me up if it came to that, but her... Not so sure. Honestly, i don't think it will come to that.

like always, i think she will land on her fet, and so will i, and so will michael, and we'll all be fine, just like it always turns out. I just feel like the stress she causes other people with her shenanigans is really unfair. but then again, i'm sure i must do unfair things that she can tell me about.