I was way exhausted monday morning. I had bassically zero privacy except for in the bathroom for 3 days straight. I needed to sleep and introvert. I skipped my first class and slept for maybe 12 hours. I went to my evening class and got my test grades back. i did pretty well for having not read a single page of those chapters until 2 hours before i took the test (i just went though and took notes at the library to study up) and i even got full credit on the bonus essay. \:D/ Yay!

I ended up going to cathode for big ass drink night with Rita. (e:xandra) and (e:yesthatcasey) ended up meeting us out. I got really confused by the dyngus day schedule and thought something else was going on and decided not to go, but i actually wish i had because i got it wrong. Next year, I guess. Maybe it was for the best.

I ended up seeing some people i knew there and met a few new people... there were A LOT of attractive men there that night... ( i never see any, and i knew almost none of the people there by face that night) I had a few chances to make conversation, but i just couldn't. I want to try, but i just don't have it in me, yet. I've never been good at meeting guys and i probably will never get better at it, and i don't even really want to, but the distraction would be nice... i know it's not a good idea, yet, though. I don't know why i'm even half-assed trying. I guess because one never knows what could happen... ugh. but i don't even want anything to happen. i want to retreat into a clam shell and hit any man that comes near with a stick and tell him to get off of my property!

I am focusing more on me and what i need to be getting done... i mean i was for the most part before, but i have a bit more time to myself now. April and Michael are working a lot so i get to be home alone more, which i've really been liking.

I ate 1 burnt cookie (i love burnt cookies) and a bowl of fruit with yogurt curry sauce on monday. way yum.





today, tuesday, I got up a little earlier to go to the registrar... they didn't believe that my middle name is wisdom so i had to show proof of i.d. to get them to print it on my diploma. seriously, people lie about their names on something they might put on their wall in an office one day?! why would i lie?

got some work done before spanish lit and wrote my ensayito. luckily i printed it before the laptop died because i lost the file just before emailing it. thankfully sister cristel accepted just the paper copy.... i read part of a story in class and presented my ensayito... she gave me really high compliments on my spanish... i was kind of embarrassed, but it made me happy. i don't really like to get recognition in front of other people. maybe because it others me from the rest of the group and i'd rather not stand out to much. but of course another part me me craves the validation, the recognition. i know i'm good at some linguistic things. I have the interest, so it comes quicker for me than for some.

after that, i recollected myself at home then went to my spanish group. I really do love ashker's... we were all really chatty and exuberant this time... we didn't even get to read from casa de los espiritus! we just kept talking and talking... the owner is super hot. he's a shorter beardy man with nice shoulders and a great ass.

time to brew a new batch of kombucha! i think i will try to start exercising a bit when no one's home. i think with a bit of effort, i could get rid of the extra pounds fairly quickly.

Sunday was spent thusly:

Walking around toronto trying to find one fucking place to grab a to go lunch to eat while on the bus... (i ended up getting a red bean crisp, a lotus+mung bean crisp from an asian bakery, then finally i settled on a vegetarian patty sub from subway... bc it was the only cheap place with food i could eat that was open.)

Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's for the whole bus ride.... believe it or not i'd never seen it... It was slightly appropriate for the time... i had a few moments with it... I think it's officially a new favorite. I had planned on watching short bus before but that didn't seem like such a great idea what with changes and all. I already know i get emotional during that movie, and at this point, i was not about to cry in front of strangers. no, sir. I sat in front of what i thought was a gay couple. They may have just been friends.... but every time i took off my headphones, their conversation just made me want to punch things... They were having "real talk" about really... not serious things. they discussed some song or scene for such an extended period of time, that i just wanted to scream. and it wasn't even good. all their observations were so trite and... idk. contrived. like quotes you read off of a dvd jacket or something. I wanted to ask them to shut up but then i would remember that i was watching a movie and put my headphones back on. at least one of them was cute. I realize it was judgy of me to write all of that but they just seemed so intent on seeming deep to each other and they both were feeding into it but it seemed so transparent. maybe it was deep to them. who knows.

I arrived in Buffalo and walked straight to work and worked a 6 hour shift, then walked partway home and caught the bus. my bag was so heavy, i couldn't carry it anymore. i had to sit, even if i was only going a few blocks.

The family was at my house this year... april and michael were there to host. While i was so exhasuted, it was nice to hear the sound of family, and the happy noises from the little ones. it made the house really feel like a home for once. Maybe we could do some more family events here before the lease is up.








I could barely get them to stand still long enough to not get a blurry pic

I'll just write this entry by narrating pics.

thursday before heading to tanyas I was ina bit of a mood... so I ate a tub of ice cream. It didn't make me feel better but i was a bit sugar high.


Then i realized Jenn was coming in from booklyn to stay at Tanya's for the night and so after having some bunny time, i got ready and headed over. The plan was that we'd drink 40's together but she got wine in stead. Surprisingly, this 40 was not terrible. I guess i could be homeless if this was what i had to look forwards to... haha (not haha, i should never say that again)


This was the bar in the hostel I stayed at. I actually really liked it. It kind of reminded of the pink and nietchez (sp?) combined... I met a really cool girl at the bar and we sat talking about all kinds of things for hours.... but the next day she turned out to be kind of annoying. She wouldn't leave me alone. I mean i liked her, i just wanted to be alone while i did homework.




View from my bed of the grocery store where i bought my lavish breakfast.


I got woken up by that girl i met so she could use my charger... somehow she got into my room to poke me awake. I was almost completely naked but at that point i didn't really give a fuck.... hope she wasn't freaked out by my body hair when i got up to get it. :P


It seriously took me two hours to eat all of this. it doesn't look like much but seeing the actual plate of fruits and veggies in front of you really put it in perspective. I didn't want to put it in the fridge because it was so gross... the kitchen was seriously sick. i found out on the last day as i was leaving that there was ANOTHER kitchen that was actually nice.




Tanya! we went to eat at this place on The Esplanade (not esplanade st, ave, rd.... But, THE Esplanade. seriously?) called the beer market (not properly spelled) but decided to go somewhere else instead called fran's. I had breakfast... it was kind of a commercial diner-y place but it was really tasty food and the the price point was reasonable. I liked it.


concert... I was sort of close, sort of far. right in the middle, i guess that means? haha... I liked it and had a great time, but i really felt the venue lacked that aspect of intimacy that sigur ros needs to feel truly great. You could feel it, the whole audience was a bit... muted. i took video, but the audio is probably shit. i didn't bother listening. They played a lot of my favorites, but they left out gobbledigook. (check it out here. nsfw due to naked people running through forests. I'd really like to be doing that at some point.) I didn't really get to sit with Tanya or Jens, but we reconvened after the show to walk back to the hostel. Tanya and I had beers at the bar, and Jens went back to his friend's place












These are just random pics i took around the hostel... it was so gritty and weird and kinda ghetto, but i ended up actually really liking it.

was pretty awesome. I had a great time and got a lot of school work done... wish i had some more time to walk around.

Tomorrow, i take the bus back to Buffalo and have to walk straight to work the second i arrive. Another year of missing easter with the family... (like the last ... 9? wow...)

more to come once i'm back.

yesterday was pretty uppy downy... i went to lunch with Tanya at Tokyo Shanghai. i mostly fretted the day away... Spanish group was good.

today i was approved for graduation. that was awesome news! then i got a not so fun message...

honestly, I'll get over it. i will. I'm not gonna bleed all over the place like last time. i don't want to. of course I'm fucking sad but it's a lot more... quiet, this time. if that makes sense.

maybe just friends will work. there's no way to know except by trying.

honestly... i will miss the sex. like, a lot. so much. way much. holy crap.

life goes on i guess. i just have to go through the feelings and deal.

I'd really like to not feel locked out... I have no idea at all. I feel crazy but i'm restraining myself so much. Yes, i'm cognizant of circumstances, life's obligations, etc etc... I think i'm mostly just having moments of selfishness.

For now, i just need to find ways to distract myself instead of thinking constantly... maybe i'll do something creative. Distraction doesn't really work for me... when i've got a feeling, there's really no escape for me. i either feel it honestly, or suffer the consequences later. I'd rather feel it honestly.

I'll write some poetry, i guess.
__

fuzzy light from my window
dims just a bit, and particles,
snow?
float by
is it really that cold today?
i shift in my blanket
...quiet noise
"fwish fwash fwash"

tests, notes, facts
meaningless required knowledge
drips from my fingers
oozes from my ears

a dull throb
takes its usual station
its post

my chest is host to the cosmos

soon it will compact
then it will explode

I will be a new whole
but composed of archaic
pieces,
ancient portions

I guess we all have our ways.

::DOWNLOAD SOUND::

writing about these things really does help me. I can proceed through the day without feeling that chest pressure...

off to ecc for an exit interview and then home to take a test and off to work...

So i've been reading this webcomic for about a year and some change now... I haven't really been in love with a webcomic like this since boy meets boy *tear* or friendly hostility... and i was seriously attached to those comics, like, in a relationship with them. hahaha... i felt like i knew and loved those characters, like they were really in my life. i laughed, cried, and commiserated with them. I saw them grow and evolve, and change, and move on... in ways i had yet to do myself, mostly, because i was still in middle school and then high school when i began reading them.

And now there is the less than epic aventures of tj and amal.
(here) I love this comic. it has all of the trappings of stories i love - adventure, suspense, romance, scandal, nostalgia, and action (some). There's great character development, there's awesome art, a ton of site features, things you can buy.... something unique to this comic is the way the author/artist,
E.K. Weaver, heavily incorporates music into the storyline.... one or both main characters are always singing some line from some song. it's fun when you're able to pick out what you know. i'm pretty sure there's a key on the site to tell you what songs she's using when.

I dunno if any of you folks are much into webcomics, but this is a great one to try... She also has another that she wrote in the form of small strips based on her year working as a server while struggling to find professional work, here i loved it, although she hasn't continued it in a long time.


(hopefully i don't get in trouble for posting this art.... i didn't make this, nor do i own it. It belongs to E.K. Weaver)

i can't really remember what i did last thursday? hmmm... friday, we went up to toronto to see andy c. It could have definitely been better but i tried my best to just enjoy myself... it was made difficult by much douchebaggery and guys shoving me around.... one even followed me around shoving me, it was ridiculous. the drinks were outrageous, i felt terrible. i should have just had beer.

we went to dinner at spring rolls before hand and that was really nice :) the food was yummy, but i feel like i should have had sushi. my dish was pretty yummy, though... (e:terry) and i order the same thing, it was basically teriyaki udon.

the next day, i had eggs natasha, same as (e:paul). but instead of bacon, i got avocado on mine. it was so. so. good.

driving is really stressful in toronto... big cities in general, i can imagine. i will never recommend it to anyone. i've never done it until when we left to go back to buffalo, and even what little i did drove me a little nutty. Terry did the brunt of the city driving... i've only ever taken the bus to toronto, or someone else drove who knew all the secret lots. i much prefer walking, bussing, or trains in toronto to get around, it just seems so crazy to find parking.

I drove the whole way back to Buffalo. I've driven a comparable distance before, from jamestown to buffalo and back, but this was way busier with more ridiculous drivers... it definitely wore me out. But i got us home safe and sound :)

Sunday was kind of a lazy day.... we went to the gem show and i did some light reading on the car ride. Game night happened and i learned to play dominion! i loved it. (e:heidi) and (e:bluevelvetjack) taught me my first round. I cannot wait to play again...

Today, i went home and was able to have a minor recharge. i went to cash my school check and booked nyc bus tickets, for when i go with (e:xandra) to see Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. then i booked my hostel stay in toronto for next weekend. so everything's in order and i had to use zero pay check to pay for any of it... phew! we're staying with my friend jenn when we stay in ny.... i can't wait to see her!

when did this happen?? i took the train today and there were these pylons? posts?

my only thought is that they block people from hopping though train links. i didn't know that was a thing.

Hello spring! you are here and thoroughly manic-depressive. you start out all pretty and then you go to shit.

Wednesday was gorgeous for most of the day... I slept in a bit. I tried to do laundry at my dad's but my key wouldn't work? So I went to my mom's around the corner instead and we watched terrible lifetime movies together while i waited for things to be done.

I forget how comforting it is to be a lazy couch potato with my mom... that used to be one of my favorite things to do. just laying around the house watching movies or listening to music, talking, or in silence with my mom. She's one of the few people in my life that isn't uncomfortable with silence. I really like being in silence with people.

To me it was never a lacking. silence is not absence. it's presence. it's fullness. It's bonding. and feeling, too, i guess. It's not that i have nothing to say, it's that sometimes nothing is as valuable to me as those quiet moments. With anyone. I like silence as much as i like throbbing music so loud your heart vibrates. (a lot)

I've been thinking of not taking my headphones with me all the time. I didn't wear them on wednesday for part of the day it was nice to actually hear the sounds of buffalo for once.

work was okay. The party i worked didn't show up in its entirety. 10 of 16 showed up, so it was pointless to have 2 people work it... but I got to work with Tracey, who i love to work with. because she actually does work.

i also finally got my kombucha back from my dad's house and bottled it last night.... it's quite vinegar flavored this week but it also has a bit of fruit... i guess it's similar to apple cider vinegar? but no as bad. I had (e:paul) and (e:terry) try it.... not a hit. haha! Next batch will be suitably dericious.