When I purchased legos for my niece and nephew this evening, my heart was brimful of happiness. I still keep seeing my niece sitting in my mom's car and waiving me through the window of the airport bus where I was sitting last winter. She might have not realized that I was leaving away for a long time at the moment. She was just waiving me as usual as she waives to everyone else. But, my eyes kept following her and my mom until disappearing finally from my sight.

I kept thinking of a Korean writer's essay "Karma" while driving all the way back to Buffalo from Cold Spring. "There was the one your heart was close to, but never see again in your lifelong even though you are longing for, There was the one you loved, but you wouldn't want to see again, it would be better if the last meeting never happened"

I was hiding my tears behind my black sunglasses and looking over him watching my car disappearing through my window mirror. And, I drove away from his small Ireland. It might be the last time to see him or it was just one of those moments that I had a feeling attached as my life goes away.

Driving for a day that seemed like testing my endurance as if being punished by my father when I was a little girl. I did not understand why I had to stand against to the wall for 2 hours in a dark, rather I was getting much more angry with my father. But, I know now what it was. It was the awakening realization for myself.

The touch of a kiss in my dream was not someone else's. It was mine as if I had one before a long time ago. It was like the one I was always longing for. The day after the dreaming, I was in a peculiar mood with an indiscernible feeling almost all day long; that feeling just drifted my unconscious space until he spoke insensitive words to me. I coudn't stop dropping my tears as I was writing back to him. I know there is no space that anyone could wedge into his heart for a long time, or it is only for me "no space"

You know how much I can laugh at you!
You know how much I can look down you!
You know how much I can talk down to you!
I am snobby as much as you are! or even more!

If the heart is not full enough of love, perception, respect and mutuality, the heart is a trash like a coca-cola can on the street that everyone kicks away as they are walking.

Everything in human being feels me emptiness too much. It doesn't really matter to me how different people are. Nothing makes me feel full enough. It's been like that for a long time. But, strangly, I have so much feeling attached images in my invisible space as memory, which was probably from one of those moments that I didn't want to care of. I think I'm still breathing. To understand is better than understood. It teaches me and rebuilds me in a reasonable way.

Tomorrow night, I'm flying to Korea about 15 hours again. This time, I will be the best aunt for my niece and nephew.

Things list for today before leaving tomorrow.

1) Record the sound I've been collecting onto a DV tape for my work.
2) Shopping for family, especially for Niece and Nephew. (I have to buy Lego) Done: 7:30.
3) Burn all my pictures on PC.
(My mom wants to have my photo, good one that my youngest sister just told
me today. Hum.. why..? I hope, she doesn't want to use one for someone else,
Sounds little weird to me actually.) Done: 11:45.
4) Make shot lists to document my trip.

I'm out of my cigarettes. brb

Okay, BACK! Now.

5) I have to see my friend (e:Christopher) today, he is back for the holiday from Germany last night that I believe. Haven't seen him for 5 months so. Meeting at 8 at my place, he has just left my house at 11.
6) Find out a place where I can park my car while being absent.
Done: 5:30.
7) Eat all my food by tomorrow noon.
Anna, Alan and Chris helped me little bit

I don't know what else.. I don't wanna forget things. Hum..

Oh my god..
I haven't returned a book that I borrowed from the library. Oh my god.

I remember other things.

8) I have to let my landlord know that I can't pay lent fee for January on time.
9) I have to pay all my bills and put them into postbox.

Now I'm sleepy.. gotta sleep now.

While I was talking to my friend Chris who is in Germany for this moment (He has just singed up for elmwoodstrip.com), I realized that the way computer feature is female body. -- I usually tell people that I can't live without computer, coffee, and cigarettes although I really think I should quit smoking. -- Since I got my power book, my life-style with working on computer has been changed as well. I can just lay down on my bed and do something with computer. Also, my bed is so warm because I have an electronic blanket that makes me fall asleep unconsciously easily. It's quite strange because it looks like I sleep with my computer these days. Well, which is good since I don't have a boyfriend, it can be my boyfriend. Right..? ;)

Chris knows that I joke a lot and think a lot in a metaphor way and I am actually very sarcastic too. But sometimes people don't get it; for example Metalpeter totally got my point with my last journal in a different way. By the way, Hey! Metalpeter, I don't watch or look at porns at all. I really think porns are just playing with your psychological weakness. ;)

Chris asked me how I am doing these days, so I said that I'm bored. This is my psychological problem if I'm not in any specific working obsession. I can get crazy. Anyway, so I told him that I've been sleeping with my computer and trying to find out how to have sex with it. (I think I told Paul this as well before). Of course he laughed a lot. And we talked bunch of stuff; how I can use my computer on the plane, how I can recharge my battery on the plane and so on. Then, realized that I can't have sex with my computer. It doesn't have any outlets. It has only inlets. Everything we have to insert to computer. Damn it. ;)

Here is more..

In a sense of stereotype, men are visualized sexually. So, these days the way computer feature is very visualized. I don't know how many people can remember that the beginning of computer feature was so ugly (it was DOS) before coming out window version. So, it has become stylish like female body. And a lot of men used to want their women to be dominated, not contemporary society. In a sense, computer needs to be placed. Well, it's getting portable these days like how women are in contemporary society. Also, it is very complicated. In a sense, women are more complicated than men.

There are more.

It can totally screw you up in many ways. Also, men more got into doing computer in a sense of stereotype. Well, there are more, but I don't want to mention it because it sounds like I'm a sophism or sexism.

Well, too bad that I can't have sex with my computer anyways. ;)

I had three poor refugees (Paul, Terry and Matthew) from their toxic house last night and Robin joined us later. We watched a Korean movie called "Friend", well first second, they wanted to watch a serious German movie, but soon I realized the German movie might make them sleepy and bored, so convinced them to watch Hollywood style Korean movie. Actually, it was the first Korean movie for them ever, well Paul said he has watched Korean Pornos. 8* I think I should ask him where I can get one too ;)

Friend: A Long and Close Company.

I'm thinking of the definition of friend for this moment. In the movie, it says that the definition of friend is "A long and close company". hum.. A long and close company. Do I have one..? I have lost in touch a lot of friends in Korea, but I know I will get in touch with them again whenever I go back to Korea. Somehow it makes me feel shame because I feel like I call them up when I need. I mean it's hard to keep in touch for me because I'm here and our life-style is totally different.. the saddest thing is that we have lost a lot of commons. Nevertheless, they are always there for me.

Just thinking of friendship.. It's easy to say "she is my friend or he is my friend "
But, Don't we just use this word extravagantly? There should be loyalty when we call someone as our friend. My first younger sister said once that there should be needed a psychological and physical attraction to each other, then friendship can go continue.

I'm glad that my friend Craig is no longer mad at me. He was mad at me because I used a part of his personal story for my video work that he insist on. But I was very defensive and thought it wasn't a big deal both him and I at all. Even I thought why he could not think that one as an artwork. Well, I should've known Craig hasn't got over his ex-relationship. So, we didn't call each other for one month and half.

The other night, we finally talked to each other and I let him know that I'm leaving for Korea from JFK this Sunday. He is trying to come by JFK to see me before I leave. I have 3 hours layover. Yea, Craig is my long and close American company that I believe..

Here is a picture of Craig when he visited Korea about 5 years ago.
We went to traditional Korean folk village. The one he puts on is a kind of old traditional punishment for kids. If a kid pee in the bed while sleeping, the kid has to go around neighborhood with on it in the morning. I think it's a cute thing.

I got up early today. It's kind of funny to me because I could never get up early during the semester, but now it's over.. then get up early. I'm too bad.

I'm looking for a song for this morning right now. I've been listening to "The Album Leaf" too much, so I need to change music to something new. How about "The Rapture"?

I need to start updating my website before going back to Korea. Nothing really is there and I want to have own my blog site too. So, I have to bug Paul for PHP things. Also, I've just started making a poster for Elmwoodstrip.com.

It's cold again. I don't like cold and snowy weather anymore. Whenever I complain about weather in Buffalo, a lot of people ask me about weather in Korea. Some people think of Korea is hotter than America. Well, Korea is definitely hotter than Buffalo. But, it is not like weather in middle Asia. Probably it is like weather in New York or Philadelphia in US.

Still looking for a good song for this morning. I think I should come over my friend's house to get some music because he said he has very good music collection. I've been looking for DJ Spooky.

My youngest sister finally got in Korea. We talked last night, but she was in a jet leg, so couldn't really say anything to me. Oh well, too bad, my second younger sister is in China for her business trip right now. So, we can't get all together again until the end of this year.

Coffee and a good music for this morning.. hum sounds good.. doesn't it..?

Well,Well,Well.
Until my friend, Nick in New York asked me to try to connect my video camera (not computer camera) into power book, I never thought it would work. He connected his video camera into his power book.. and I did same way. AND, we had a video camera chat. WOW. I was busy working on my final presentation for tomorrow.. but I had to do this modern experience. I told him if I do the video chat, I should take a shower, and put some makeup on my face. Then I will look better. I'm completely comfortable being in front of my computer right now. Also, even I didn't take a shower for today.. Can you smell something bad from me..?
Nick and I will try this again while I'm Korea. Now we have to figure out how to record our video chatting onto a DV tape. I'm doing memory of time difference between Korea and America, which is 14 hours difference, for one of my thesis project. Korea is 14 hours earlier than America. So, I will talk to him from the future time. Oh well, one problem has been solved.

It's only the time you can get crazy. That's how every parties stand for in America. No more calm person at the party for me anymore. I got crazy again.
But, I'm still not drunk. I really want to drink a lot, then go really crazy like how 19 or 20 years old kids do.. start getting curious of all kind of sexual things. But, I already perceive things good and bad too well.

There were two kids kept making out all the night at Robin's party. I don't even know who they are. One boy is one of Robin's student's friend. And the other girl came with some epeeps. Well, no one really cares of them actually, also it didn't even bother me at all. It was fun to watch them making out. I told people that I would tell them like "here is my apartment key, if you guys need a room for making out, you guys can go ahead at my place" and I really did it. This guy apologized to me. But I was totally teasing them.

I think I never saw people making out at the party in Korea. Well, I didn't even go to a party like this. But, I've seen it a lot in America. Well, now.. it's fun to watch it. Go ahead.. whatever.

It was a fun party. Of course, it was Robin's party, therefore it was a good party.
In a week, I will be in totally different situated place again. Even I can't really bring this story to my friends or family in Korea. I have to be another person for Korea that how I used to be.

It was unexpected visiting when I heard my door bell ringing around midnight last Thursday night. I thought it might be Robin. Who could come to visit me in the middle of night without notice? Only Robin could do it. But it wasn't Robin.

As soon as she got in my apartment, she demanded my cigarettes. I had only one cigarette left in my pack. She was in a hurry to smoke and was telling me "I was almost dying to smoke" Then, she said, she has to go right away. But, she stayed at my apartment until 4 am in the morning.

Insoon Ha, a Korean artist, who is immigrant to Canada from Korea with her husband and daughter 4 years ago. She is always like that way. Last time, she suddenly came to the Old Pink in the middle of night, and told me that she smelled me from UB North Campus. It was the beginning of this semester, so I haven't seen her for 3 months or so.

In Korea, we have very strong age hierarchy, which means younger people have to respect older people. I know that American cannot understand this structuralism. She is 2 years older than me. I respect her as an older sister, and I'm proud of her as an artist.

She wanted to see my new work. But, I told her.. I have nothing to show her.

I remember that she was yelling at me once at the Old Pink, "If you do like this (not concentration on my work), just go back to Korea. Here is not Korea, here is America, nobody's gonna care of you if you don't work hard" She got so drunk after her exhibition at Big Orbit gallery at the time. We cried together. I know all of my American friends at the Pink felt strange from what we were doing. But only she and I know what it is. Ah, I remember Robin asked people around to find out what's wrong with us, she was so worried about us. Ah, I love Robin.

She said, her husband wants to go back to Korea, and she feels like a housewife these days. But, she's got a lot of calls from many galleries. Well, she has a show at Albright Knox on April, 2005. But, their immigrant lives in Canada is so tough.

She said, she is impressed that I drove for 21 hours straight for a day. A lot of my close American friends don't understand me why I had to do it. But, she did understand me. I told her. "I wanted to see if I still have my passion, and I did it although nothing left for now"

There are a lot of people I miss and want to see, but I can't do it because they are just disappearing from my sights as time by time. She said, if I miss my past or feel nostalgia that means I'm not satisfied with my current life. But, I disagreed with her, well I agreed with her later.

She left my house with some words "I have to send my daughter to school tomorrow morning, and thank you for the cigarette. you know I can't smoke at home"

I'm listening to one music over and over again right now. I don't know what the title means. Here is the song "Twenty Two Fourteen" from The Album Leaf.


And Insoon Ha's work that was exhibited at Big Orbit Gallery last April which I did a video documentation for her.

Nick, my friend who is in New York, just called me and told me that his AIM is suspended.
How it can be possible..? I don't get it.
He said.. his passward is something about flying kamikaze.. that's why..?
AIM is connected to Government..? I don't get it.

I really think I got too old, or I should say "NO" if people ask me a help, when I'm running around to get my work done.
I got really pissed off this in the morning. It's been long time to get pissed off like that, or I'm just too tired.

A young Korean student asked me a help for his film project. He has a script, but it needed to be translated in English, and also he asked me to do narration for his film as well. Well, I said, YES. I just realized why I don't like students' narrative film project because of this reason. Story of every students narrative work that sounds always the same to me. Either Korean or American.

Well, we couldn't figure the audio record system in school last night. I get always confused by patching thing. I don't even know why it wasn't working. So, I convinced him to do in another way. But he needs my voice anyways. So, I came home to record my voice with my shotgun micro phone and camera until 4 AM. Then, had to go to school to give it to him this in the morning. So stupid because I forgot to bring my cell phone.. so I had to wait for him about 30 min in front of CFA although I have so much things to do. I was so pissed off. I think I just got too stressed out, or I got too old to be energenic.

I've been running around to finish up this semester. I can't smell it to be done.
There are a lot of paper works. I have to hand in working-in-progress paper work for my thesis project supervision. I knew that I have to write about a specific statement for that, but I didn't know that I have to do paper work for this thing until my thesis project done.

I just need to stay home. I love staying home, especially sitting in front of my computer that makes me feel okay.

If anybody wants to see my real madness, ask me a help when I'm too stressed out. You will see what the real madness is.. I can be a total different person, which is only my sisters knew.