It was unexpected visiting when I heard my door bell ringing around midnight last Thursday night. I thought it might be Robin. Who could come to visit me in the middle of night without notice? Only Robin could do it. But it wasn't Robin.

As soon as she got in my apartment, she demanded my cigarettes. I had only one cigarette left in my pack. She was in a hurry to smoke and was telling me "I was almost dying to smoke" Then, she said, she has to go right away. But, she stayed at my apartment until 4 am in the morning.

Insoon Ha, a Korean artist, who is immigrant to Canada from Korea with her husband and daughter 4 years ago. She is always like that way. Last time, she suddenly came to the Old Pink in the middle of night, and told me that she smelled me from UB North Campus. It was the beginning of this semester, so I haven't seen her for 3 months or so.

In Korea, we have very strong age hierarchy, which means younger people have to respect older people. I know that American cannot understand this structuralism. She is 2 years older than me. I respect her as an older sister, and I'm proud of her as an artist.

She wanted to see my new work. But, I told her.. I have nothing to show her.

I remember that she was yelling at me once at the Old Pink, "If you do like this (not concentration on my work), just go back to Korea. Here is not Korea, here is America, nobody's gonna care of you if you don't work hard" She got so drunk after her exhibition at Big Orbit gallery at the time. We cried together. I know all of my American friends at the Pink felt strange from what we were doing. But only she and I know what it is. Ah, I remember Robin asked people around to find out what's wrong with us, she was so worried about us. Ah, I love Robin.

She said, her husband wants to go back to Korea, and she feels like a housewife these days. But, she's got a lot of calls from many galleries. Well, she has a show at Albright Knox on April, 2005. But, their immigrant lives in Canada is so tough.

She said, she is impressed that I drove for 21 hours straight for a day. A lot of my close American friends don't understand me why I had to do it. But, she did understand me. I told her. "I wanted to see if I still have my passion, and I did it although nothing left for now"

There are a lot of people I miss and want to see, but I can't do it because they are just disappearing from my sights as time by time. She said, if I miss my past or feel nostalgia that means I'm not satisfied with my current life. But, I disagreed with her, well I agreed with her later.

She left my house with some words "I have to send my daughter to school tomorrow morning, and thank you for the cigarette. you know I can't smoke at home"

I'm listening to one music over and over again right now. I don't know what the title means. Here is the song "Twenty Two Fourteen" from The Album Leaf.


And Insoon Ha's work that was exhibited at Big Orbit Gallery last April which I did a video documentation for her.

Nick, my friend who is in New York, just called me and told me that his AIM is suspended.
How it can be possible..? I don't get it.
He said.. his passward is something about flying kamikaze.. that's why..?
AIM is connected to Government..? I don't get it.

I really think I got too old, or I should say "NO" if people ask me a help, when I'm running around to get my work done.
I got really pissed off this in the morning. It's been long time to get pissed off like that, or I'm just too tired.

A young Korean student asked me a help for his film project. He has a script, but it needed to be translated in English, and also he asked me to do narration for his film as well. Well, I said, YES. I just realized why I don't like students' narrative film project because of this reason. Story of every students narrative work that sounds always the same to me. Either Korean or American.

Well, we couldn't figure the audio record system in school last night. I get always confused by patching thing. I don't even know why it wasn't working. So, I convinced him to do in another way. But he needs my voice anyways. So, I came home to record my voice with my shotgun micro phone and camera until 4 AM. Then, had to go to school to give it to him this in the morning. So stupid because I forgot to bring my cell phone.. so I had to wait for him about 30 min in front of CFA although I have so much things to do. I was so pissed off. I think I just got too stressed out, or I got too old to be energenic.

I've been running around to finish up this semester. I can't smell it to be done.
There are a lot of paper works. I have to hand in working-in-progress paper work for my thesis project supervision. I knew that I have to write about a specific statement for that, but I didn't know that I have to do paper work for this thing until my thesis project done.

I just need to stay home. I love staying home, especially sitting in front of my computer that makes me feel okay.

If anybody wants to see my real madness, ask me a help when I'm too stressed out. You will see what the real madness is.. I can be a total different person, which is only my sisters knew.

I just slept for 3 hours and half for today. No enough sleep..
Yeah, I can't blame anybody.. I put myself in the sleepless way because..
I'm a last minute person.. Don't even try to be a last minute person.

Yeah, I finished my paper.. but I really don't think it is good. So, I told my professor that I want to hand it in again on Wednesday. I already gave him my paper today.. but I feel terrible with my paper.. So, I gotta re-write it.

Oh, I got my tickets for Korea today. Happy.. So happy. I'm going home in 2 weeks. Wow..

I got some good pictures from the event last Saturday. I really like my new user pic because you can't see my face., rather it looks like some faceless ghost holding the camera. I love it.

I gotta go back to work again. Damn.. never ending story to finish up this semester.

I went out to eat with Robin in the middle of last night again. It was around 3 or 4 AM. I think Robin and I are the crazy night owls. Actually, I had to go to the bed earlier than I do normally last night because I was involved in the film production event called "Emergent-C" today, which was suppose to start at 9 AM in the morning and it was suppose to be shooting for all day long today, Saturday. Well, I just slept for 3 hours (who I can blame.. nobody, right? because it is my bad life-style) and went over the first location. Of course, I was late about 20 min.

A lot of people were already there. My role for this project was a document camera person 1, which means I should be there earlier than the other people. But it was kind of okay although I was late.

The main theme is that this film crew are missing the director, the producer and the writer that actually we have. So, there is only the shot list but no script. So it is kind of like a props project.

There were probably 15 or 16 people at the first location.
One assistdent director
Three sound people,
Two camera people,
Three set designers,
One photo document person,
Three actors,
Three Runners and project documentary person that is me.

We shot there for 2 hours and half, then moved to Delaware park which was the second location. Oh my god, it was freaking cold and windy. We shot there about 2 hours again... Then went to Steven Eastwood's house which was the third location. We had a lunch there. Fortunately there was the other documentary person, so I could leave for a couple hours. So, came home around 2:30.. and slept utill 5:30..

Then went over Steven's house again, then I took over documentary role.. Finally, we were done around 10 PM. It was really exhausting, but fantastic. I've never done this kind of big project that a lot of people involved. Everybody seems very professional (except for me). I had a really good time today although my arms are so hurt from holding my camera about 8 hours today. Crazy..

Now, Robin is at my house and she is trying to change her user pic for Elmwoodstrip.com. as I'm writing this journal. She found out some pictures of hers on my computer. Even she found out some pictures of mine as well. She said that I was cute with short hair-style, which she has never seen... "Thank you! Robin, but I'm not sure I want to try it again though" Yeah, I had a very very short hair-style about 3 years and half ago.

Well, my rice is done now. So, Robin and I are gonna eat some rice with Kimchee.
Does anyone know what Kimchee is..?

Then, Robin is researching something for her paper.. and I'm writing my paper.
Good friendship.. isn't it..?

Paul, yeah, I'm happy now :) .. great job. I feel little sorry for you because I feel like I pushed you to do that somehow.. But,, it's much better navigator.. Don't you think so..? Yeah, I'm also trying to fix some HTML code for my friend's website right now. Well, I gotta stay away from making website. I have so much things to do. Papers.. proposals.. writing grants.. I'm getting to hate writing paper stuff..
I'm tired of writing English except for writing journals on Elmwoodstrip.com ;)

I just paid my ticket for Korea. 13 Hundred Box. Ouch.
If I made a reservation earlier.. it could be 800$ or 900$.. Well, I'm taking Korean airline.. it's the most expensive airline to fly to Korea actually, but I have a lot of milies from that airline.... so after this trip, I can get a free ticket to Korea for the next time.

Anyway.. I'm so happy to go back to Korea.. It's been for one year and also I'm going to see my youngest sister finally. I haven't seen her for 2 years and half. We promised to go back to Korea for this winter together. She is flying to Korea from London on December 12th.. little earlier than me..

I can't wait until December 19th.. oh.. I'm scared what things have been changed in Korea for this time. Whenever I go back to Korea, a lot of things changed.. So, I got confused for little while.

Here is my ridiculous experience in Korea last year.

My mom's front door lock system was changed as the digital door system.. I had no idea what the hell that was. I arrived Korea in the middle of night last year, so got home earily morning. When I got up around noon, no one was there. Everything looked fine and same in a way until I got a big problem with the front door. Maybe my mom didn't realize that she should've let me know the front door system or she just assume that I might figure it out. Well, I wanted to go out for some snack.. but I couldn't open the front door.. it was very strange and I was thinking.. "what the hell is that.." Finally I could open the door in a wrong way maybe, and the alarm system started ringing so loudly. (to be honest, I hate every alarm system) People showed up and I had to explain to them.. I had to call my mom and asked her.. "what's going on here..?" She said,"how come don't you know that?" I replied to her.."How do I know that thing.? Don't you know that I'm from Buffalo where is not that modernized and digitalized?" Well, she gave me the number for the front door over the phone.. but I couldn't figure it out. Then, she remembered where the key was and was telling me to try it with the key. But, I couldn't find the key as well.. There was no key that I picture and know. Well, the key looks like a little magnet that I never be able to guess that is the key. Actually, no one in my family carries the key at all.. they just know the number. It was very embarrassing... People looked at me like a savage.. Oh well..

Hope this time time, nothing much has been changed.. hopefully.

Still writing my paper due today.. Monday. I don't like Deleuze anymore.
I want to say good-bye to him. I really do. His text is confusing, well I do understand, but I don't want to analyze his text anymore. I'm okay with what he wrote already. 8*

Do you think that I can finish this paper until 6 PM..? Yes..? I don't think so though.
Oh, actually it is about 6 AM in the morning. I just changed this journal with a new subject.

It was a bad day for me again. But, I don't want to write about it. Everybody knows that I get depressed a lot. That's enough information about me already.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

A summer day of this year, while I was talking to my friend visiting from Canada in front of Spot coffee shop where the place that they put some tables for smokers over the summer, I saw Anna and Alan walking by us. They looked so sweet together as even I stopped them for a second. We talked about a movie for some reason, and they were telling me that I have to watch one movie called “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind� That’s how I found it out.

Since the title is such long for me to memorize (Remember? I am a foreigner), I kept forgetting the title sadly. So, I had to ask Alan and Anna over and over again. Sometimes, Alan just gave me his characteristic face, which has the wrinkles in his forehead that actually makes him look like another James Dean, to try to understand me, but rather he seemed like ‘what movie is she talking about’. Well, soon afterward, he understood me and told me once again:� Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind�. Strangely, the word of "spotless mind" didn't get into my mind easily. What's the spotless mind.? Is this a kind of English metaphor of some expression?

I kept checking this movie at the blockbuster whenever I stopped by since the day they told me. Of course, I still didn't remember the whole title.. just something on my mind was telling me.� Eternal Sunshine.. something, something.." But, there was no video titled "Eternal Sunshine something something" at the blockbuster for a long time. Then, I asked myself “how come did I miss this movie? How come did Alan and Anna watch this movie without me?� --- we used to go to see movies all together a lot— “how come did Alan and Anna tell me that’s just like my movie?, why did they make me so curious?.. Eternal Sunshine something something. Damn�

A few weeks ago, I stopped by the blockbuster after few months, and finally found out this movie. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind".. Wow, I knew it that I would notice this movie with just few words. Great!!. But, everything was already rent out. So, I had to come home without any movie at the night. A day after, I went there again.. well, everything was rent out again.. had to come home without any movie. You know if you really want something, but if there is no available such thing.. Nothing can make you feel satisfied anyways. Don't you think so..?

Before thanksgiving day break started, I went there once again, yeah!!, there was finally only one DVD available. Just only one displayed for whole this movie section.. I was very happy and grabbed it right away as if a little girl was holding a toy to her bosom trying to hide it from other friends.

Memory.

Well, you can just talk about this movie as one of romantic love story between a girl and a boy. But, the way it presents was fantastic. Well, I’m not gonna go into my interpretation of this movie. I remember that some epeeps complained that I talked about a movie story here, so he lost feeling watching that movie. But, one thing that I want to mention about it as studying film theory ;) (just ignore me). The way the hero remembering of the past with the girl was a great representation at the recalling another way of memory, which used the great duration that comes cross between past and present. And it derives into his real psychological subconsciousness. Does it make sense..? once again, it was melancholy in a way. I already mentioned it that memory is always melancholy because you have lost the moments.. Okay.. that’s enough.

Another thing, I loved the way Jim Carry says,, “I don’t know�, that made me think about myself, because I say “I don’t know� a lot wh


enever I can’t really
articulate what I think.

Yes, Alan and Anna. you’re right!! It was a great movie and I loved it so much.

If anyone has not watched it yet.. please go to watch it.
Well, I haven’t returned it yet. I was suppose to return it last Tuesday, 2 day ago. I forgot it. Well, I remembered it when I wasn’t able to return it. How much do I have pay for late fee..?

I really think I've been in school too long. I'm getting to be irresponsible for my school work these days. I can't make for every single class on time. Always late.
I'm sick of being late actually, but I can't make it on time. I know what it is.
I lost my energy to be there and am exhausted of being in school. I need something new that makes me feel alive. I'm Gemini, which means I can get bored easily.. need to get exciting feelings. Well, I do love reading books and want to know more about art theory and history everything. I do love working, but I don't know I'm not really motivated these days.

I'm going back to Korea on December 19th and coming back January 12th. But, I might change the date to come back to Buffalo.. Maybe.. 11th. I hope this break can make me feel motivated. And, realized that my healthy is not that good these days. I can just fall asleep easily, and also, forget something easily. Oh well, if I tell my mom this, she wil yell at me so badly because she sent a lot vitamins for me, but I took it once or twice... all package just is sitting on my dining table.

I don't like taking medicine. I know that sounds so stupid. Well, My blood type is "O", which means, we don't like medical things. That's just my philosophy.
I know I'm sick.. it is not that I got cold anything.. it is just healthy problem...

Okay.. I gotta work now.