There is something that I have been pondering lately... the idea that we should have "no fear" and whether or not that is really a good thing?

I am addicted to Dove dark chocolate. On the inside of the little red, foil wrapper there is a little inspirational saying. Last week, I kept coming up with the "Be Fearless" one. While on the surface, it is a wise suggestion as fear is generally what holds individual's back, but when you really think about it, though, it's really a stupid idea. Fear is a very real emotion that does serve a purpose of self preservation. It becomes inhibiting when it kicks in over things like spiders, elevators, the dark, etc... and a person becomes so paralyzed he or she can barely move, think, or save one's self should the situation arise. (Believe it or not, the idea is much clearer and eloquent in my head... and the words I am chusing are not expressing it as I would wish, but I shall press on, regardless...) To have "no fear" is to let go of a very real and necessary physiological response that has helped humanity throughout our evolution. The real answer, in my opinion, is to not have "No Fear" but to have great courage, which is to recognize and acknowledge that the fear is there and then move past it, to do what needs to be done. Maybe I'm full of shit but it's my revelation and I'm sticking to it...

So, I say to all of you live your lives with Great Courage! ;)

Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just give in to the Pity Party. Feel bad, cry it out, berate yourself, and then, reality kicks back in and you can say, "I'm an AWESOME person!" and really believe it, because, afterall, it's true.

I do think, though, that when an optimist hits the doldrums, we can get into a deeper depression than the most dedicated pessimist. The trick is, though that rather than dwelling there interminably, we dust ourselves off and smile and say, "What a beautiful day!" and move on from there. At least, that's what I do because, Magically, everything works out for the best in the end. So very Panglossian, and so very, very true. Ciao! :)

Okay, so I venture outside myself- finally- actually work up the nerve to ask out a very cute boy- which took me a month and a half from the time I decided to do it to the time I actually did- and, of course, it comes back to slap me in the face! My timing is so horrible, had I asked him when I originally realized that I should very much like to date him, he would have been still single, but as I procrastinated- AGAIN- he has since run into his ex-girlfriend and they're trying to work things out. ARGH! He's such a decent and honest and delicious guy OF COURSE he would have a girlfriend! (although I keep going to spell it "girlfiend". I think my subconcious is trying to say how I REALLY feel about the whole thing!) I kick myself for doing it, for saying to him that I really like him because now the truth is just out there, hanging in limbo, as always happens to me when I decide to take a chance on telling someone how I feel and once again, it really SUCKS! People always say, "What have you got to loose?" to which my answer is, "My self-respect". Have I lost my self respect- well, no- and I was- I AM rather proud of the fact that I did have the courage to do it but I don't feel any better for it. Immediately after I asked him, I asked myself "what the hell have I done?" I'm not going to lie, I so very badly wanted it to go in the other direction- for him to be single and be interested in me back, and had this ex- girlfriend not shown back up, I really think it would have.

I always say that I have no luck, but that is not true. I am a very fortunate person in a lot of ways, but where I have no luck is with the opposite sex and that stings. *sigh* I'll nurse back from this. I always do. I comfort myself with the fact that he really is a decent fellow and at least had the respect for me to be honest with me. That doesn't happen very often.

No, it has nothing to do with the boy... It has to do with the fact that on Thursday night, I FINALLY, actually got to go and see Depeche Mode in concert! I can't begin to describe to you what it was like and how much it meant to me other than to say that I have wanted to see them perform since I was 12 years old! And now I have and it was just so amazing! My uncle took me to see them, and he was joking when he called them a "rock band" which, after the concert, he later retracted because, my god, they certainly can!

Moving next week. Next to nothing done. Off to possible do more packing, or perhaps something else!

Me and my Depeche Mode shirt say "ciao!"

Swear to God, if Jeb Bush runs for president of this damn country and wins, I am moving to Canada!

The thought angers, terrifies, and sickens all at the same time. What a feat!

Lots of stuff I'm sure. School is winding down. Getting ready to move next door to my uncle's house. I can't believe I'm moving again. It's such a pain in the ass... but it's a gorgeous house and I'll be living there rent free so I absolutely cannot complain! Plus, said uncle is also taking me to the Depeche Mode concert in Toronto next month and as I have been a Depeche Mode fan since I was 12 years old, I am so totally excited! Lovelife is still abysmal but until I decide to actually make room for one, I don't really have any right to complain. It's my own damn fault. That's about it for now. Everyone take care. Don't forget about the prodigal daughter. I'm still out here in the big, bad world, even if I'm not posting.

Asides from missing an (E:peeps) Ladies' Night YET AGAIN! It's my own fault for not being as present on E- Strip as I ought. Anyway, I vowed when I was in highschool that I would not regret anything that I have done. And for the most part, I have succeeded. But there is one real regret that I do have and I'm hoping that this time, I can rectify it. Twice, I had a chance, a real chance at something that I suspect would have been very special with a very special person, and twice, it got royally fucked up. Frankly, neither time was actually my fault, nor was it his, it was circumstance- damn that circumstance!- and I'm hoping, PRAYING that I get a third chance to see where this thing could go. Step one- find mystery boy- as he seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth- Check. Mystery Boy found. Step two- make contact- check. Now, that proverbial ball is his court and I'm so hoping he bounces it back to my side. The funny thing is, I keep running into people that we both knew from that same era. It seems the signs, of which I am a BIG believer in, are pointing to the right direction. But we'll see. Keep your fingers crossed, E-Peeps. I sincerely hope that with him, I get chance #3, and if I do, I hope I can keep it from getting Royally Phucked- AGAIN!

That is my new mantra for the year, and in case y'all think I've gone off the deepend and you say, "What an egotistical bitch!", it's not nearly as egotistical as it first appears. What it means is this- I need to concentrate on myself. I had this realization that I am the most important in my life, that no one can change what needs to be changed but me and that only I can make myself happy. That being said, there's quite a bit going on. The usual- work, school, friends, trying to keep my sanity together. Cortland is so stinking cute I can't stand it! On Thursday, I got out of class early so I popped over to see him and his parents (Notice how He now comes BEFORE his parents!) Anyway, I got to actually babysit him for half an hour while Trisha went to pick up Paul. He fell asleep in my arms so then I read to him for a bit and when he woke up he fussed, so I sang to him. And then when his mom and dad came home he woke up and was just so smiley and cute! But the best was when I was leaving and then he started to cry like "No, Auntie Andi, don't leave!" What can I say, we have a special bond, he and I.

Let's see, let's see, what else is going on? Oh yes, my fairy godfather, aka, my Uncle Stan who works for Sony Imageworks is buying the house next to my parents'. It's this gorgeous chalet/ long cabin looking house with amazing views! He and my Aunt bought it as a vacation home, as they live in L.A. (the actual sunny L.A., not sunny Lackawanna). Anyway, he asked me if I would live there as the caretaker, RENT FREE! And- they'll be paying the utilities! There are only two restrictions- no cats and I have to go back next door to my parents' when they come in. Needless to say, I think I could deal with those terms. I have to say, I cannot wait to knock around in this 2200 square foot house and cook for myself and enjoy the peace and quiet of not having anyone else living with me and no animals to yell at. AAHHH!! So, I'm supposed to be moving in sometime in June or July, after the remodeling is complete.

School is going very well, thus far. I like my online class quite a bit and I love, Love, LOVE my Holistic Curriculum class on Thursdays. It's so amazing! It's all about brain based learning and I just can't get enough! I keep talking about the brain, and how we learn, and what function is where- I'm waiting for my mother to tell me to shut the hell up! But it's just so interesting, as least to me.

And on Friday, as I was watching Stargate:Atlantis, I came to the realization that, yes, I am a nerd. And I'm okay with that.

I'll try not to go so long with out posting. I feel as though I have nothing to say and, well, I guess it turns out that I do.

Adieu.

I know it's a month away but I absolutely detest, despise, loathe, abhoar, HATE Valentine's Day. It's just looming over me, another year of a Hallmark Holiday- Alone. And then I fight this stupid depression and it really is stupid because there are some very good/ cool things coming down the pipe of my life. ARGH!!! I hate it- the holiday and the bad feelings it evokes in me. I just want to escape. More on that thought later.

I definitely feel out of the loop as of late. Things have been good and stressful and just what they tend to be for everyone this year. My grades came in last week, on Christmas Eve- 3.91 GPA. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. My lowest grade- a B+ - was from my stinking undergrad class! But still, I'm pleased. I had a lovely Christmas. I hope that everyone else did as well. And, I got to have dinner with the Boy. Wonders never cease, particularly in the season of miracles. Happy, safe New Year's, (E:peeps). Outie