Well, it's been forever and day since my last post, and somehow it seems apropos that this current one comes on the last day of the old year.

Why is it that the crossing over of a new year is such a thing for us, as a culture? I mean, really, all it is is a new day. Shouldn't we take each day as a celebration, as the purpose of something new and grand, each hour, each minute? We have the power to change our lives in a heartbeat, so why do we wait until a man-made ideal hits? I'm guilty of it, I admit it. I hope that 2005 is a better year than 2004, but when was the last time that anyone actually had a truly great or memorable year where everything went his/her way? In 2004, in January was the shuttle disaster, which I had all but forgotten about, and that is tragic in it's own way. At the end of January, my great aunt died. Three weeks later, in February, another great aunt, (from the same side and section of the family as the first great aunt) died, and my grandmother. In March, I turned 26. Definitely not a tragedy, unlike 25, which was very difficult. And then the rest of the year actually went fairly well, asides from a horrendous presidential election and that continuation of that wretched, wretched war.

It has been an up and down year for most persons of my acquaintance.

My current connundrum is a long-running connundrum and the only reason that it is current is because he is here, physically in town and being extremely vexing, which I'm not even sure that he knows that he is being extremely vexing. Why do I waste my time? I don't even know anymore. Stupid emotions! Stupid boy! Stupid love! It's so damnedably inconvenient!

Party On!

I've often said that when it comes to men, I don't have a type. I've known that I've always liked pretty boys but other than that, I couldn't see a clear chronology. I've liked dark haired men, blonde men, redheads, gay, straight. Asides from the prettiness, I couldn't see a pattern. Today, I figured it out. I DO like handsome men, but what I'm really attracted to is the brooding enigma. All of the men I've really had a thing for, sometimes bordering on obsession, is that they have this dark, haunting, hidden depth- something I could see and identify with and then spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out. It breaks down like this- Phantom or Raoul? because really that's what catagories there really seem to be. The dark, dramatic haunted soul or the shiny hero .

I keep vascilating. It's almost a bad thing when you have limitless possibilties because then it makes it so hard to choose. I keep going back and forth between moving out into an apartment or staying at home, saving and buying a house in three years. I've decided I'm going back to school next fall to get my master's in El. Ed. and that's decided but it throws so much else into question. If I move out this summer, then I have to keep working full time as well as going to school full time. Or, I could go to school full time and go part time at work, if only to keep my sanity and my grades, but that also means that I can't afford to move out. Some people have asked, "Well, why don't you want to go to school part time?" to which I respond that I want to get my teaching certification by the time I'm 30. And right now, I'm leaning towards buying a house when I'm 30, too. A house, so much responsibility and yet, I have this picture in my head, so clear. That's probably not a good thing. It usually isn't for me. And so I will vascilate on. Eventually, I'll come to some sort of decision.

I had a dream last night about someone that I haven't seen in ages. Dreams like these, the ones where you're re-united with someone that you have unfinished business with, always stick with me for days. I just can't shake the feeling like something is just out of reach. Last night, I dreamed of Michael. I have had a crush on Michael since I was 12. We were in seventh grade and he sat next to me in science class. Our brothers were friends. And he had been my tormentor all through elementary school. Anyway, we sort of flirted around each other all through high school. He changed schools, came back, and we continued to flirt around each other. And, whenever it seemed like we would actually get together, some other stupid boy stepped in and ruined it. I was ending one disasterous relationship, and hoping to start one with him when the idiot with whom it was ending not so subtly warned him off, which I never could understand. Jason didn't want me but he couldn't stand the idea of me being with someone else! Does that make sense to anyone? That was stupid boy number one. Stupid boy number two isn't actually stupid. We were just really drunk and I quickly put a halt, explaining that I really liked Michael and that I always like Michael. Unfortunately, word got back to Michael, just not what I wanted him to hear and I haven't seen him since. I did run into his father one day, at my job. And now this dream. I put a lot of store in dreams. I just wish I knew what to do with it. Do I try to find him, see him, talk to him? I'll have to stew over this for a little while.

What the hell is is about Christmas that completely brings out the schlock!? I am desperately trying to figure this out. I think I'm the only person I know who hates the damn "Christmas Shoes" Song! It truly brings up the bile in me. Could it get more, I don't know, gimicky? Its got the guy who oversings, the sappy lyrics, the children's choir singing the sappy lyrics. It's possible worse than "Dear Mr. Jesus", which used to be charming, when I was 12.

Oy Vey! And what is with all of the "pop" stars who sing Christmas songs and then, well ruin them. It's enough to want to make me stick with the classics, you know, Bing, Ella, Frank, Dean. Only 21 more days of having to put up with all!

You'd never guess from this post that I actually adore Christmas! It is my favourite time of year.

Sorry I've been so remiss in my postings. I didn't have anything to say, though!