Have you ever seen the movie, "Defending Your Life" by Albert Brooks? It came out in the late 80's and is actually, in my opinion, quite brilliant. For those of you that have not seen this movie, the premise is a guy dies in a car accident and goes to the place that is the step before making it into heaven where you must review key moments of your life and defend them. If you defend it well enough, or lived a virtuous enough life, you are deemed fit to move onto heaven. If you do not defend your life to their satisfaction, then you must return to Earth, be born again, and essentially, do it all over again. Lately, due to circumstances that have occured in the past 11 months, I feel that if I had to defend my life, I would fail miserably, that I haven't lived enough, loved enough, was brave enough, honourable enough. I'm rapidly approaching 29 and I'm analyzing so much lately. My birthday is not the reason that I'm analyzing my life- that would be car accident 2 and, particularly, 3 and now, I'm loathe to admit it but it's true so I'll just say it, on my way to buy an ink cartridge at 8:30 P.M. tonight, a black dog just walked in front of my car. I hit the brakes. My car hit the dog. I didn't run over it, or anything, but I bumped it. The dog got up and walked away (it did seem to be hobbling a bit) and I'm wracked with guilt. The dog walked away, so I drove away and that is what is bothering me. Anyone who knows me knows that I love animals but I didn't know what to do. The dog walked away... it was so weird the way it happened, it just kept coming, didn't even try to get out of the way- I keep going over it in my head but I know that the reality is it could have been so much worse. I keep praying for that damn, stupid dog, as though it were my own, praying that it will recover- a bit wiser from our incident. And frankly, I'm more than a little pissed at the people that let it out- maybe they didn't know it got out and was heading for the street, but someone should have been paying attention. My question is-Am I a bad person for what I did? I certainly feel like one right now.
How ignoble of me.

So, I just re-read what my goals were- for 2005. In November 2006, I have succeeded in two. Which is better than I originally thought. And I'm working on two more, well sort of working on them. Perhaps I might get the 2005 list completed by 2008, then I'll have to begin on 2006's, or something. That is, if the 2006 list actually wasn't a retread of 2005's.

It's official. I am an idiot. I should glory in that knowledge.

For the next 5 weeks, I will be drowning in a sea of elementary education academia. You see, I have one of those 6 week course jobbies. The cool thing is, as of October 7th, it'll be over! The down side, a shit load of work. Yesterday, on the holiday, I literally did homework from 9:30 A.M. until 9:00 P.M. Granted, there were some sanity breaks, the likes of which went like this- me telling myself "Okay, once you finish this chapter, then you can go take a shower" and "Okay, once you finish this chapter, you can throw out the garbage and do the dishes!" Fun wow. It's really sad when you bargain with yourself to do the damn dishes and take a shower! Aren't those, like, necessities in life? I will get through this, I know I will, but damn, it really, REALLY hurts right now!

• (E:Peeps) confession* Friday, I was a little buzzed and went and bought the new Christina Aguilera C.D., okay, and her last one, too!

And because I didn't want the bored girls working at Circuit City to think that I listen to Christina Aguilera, I bought the new Keene! All of which, I LOVE by the way! And that is my (E:Peeps) comfession.

Ciao!

I had a fabulous, fun, and relaxing weekend, where I met new people, made new friends, and became incredibly attracted to a lovely man the second I saw him, which, honestly, has never really happened before. Anyway, I came home with an enormous sense of well-being and peace, which my job has been trying to suck out of me since I walked in the door Monday morning, and I am valiantly resisting. Ah, Brushwood. What a magical place! I can't wait to go back! (And no, for those of you in the know about Brushwood, I DID NOT walk around naked! That's not my scene!) ;)

So, that's kind of my new philosophy. Phuck it and Enjoy! I've spent so much of my life being prim and proper and not really taking any chance that I've sort of been letting my life pass me by as I sit in the rocking chair on my front porch working on my latest cross-stitch- like I'm 88 instead of 28! I don't know how good I'm going to be at this whole, new philosophy- totally unchartered territory, afterall- but there's so much to see and do and we never really know, well, anything!

I'm avoiding going to work. I technically start at 11 today but as I finished my 100 ques. exam in 25 minutes, I'm stalling for time. *Sigh* I'm convinced that working does, infact, get in the way of a really nice life. I'd much rather stay in the park, or take a page from our dear (e:ladycroft) and go sailing! (That is the thing that I've decided to learn to do once I get my teaching degree- somehow, someway!)

Fellow (e:peeps), have a peach of a day! And remember to Enjoy!

There is something that I have been pondering lately... the idea that we should have "no fear" and whether or not that is really a good thing?

I am addicted to Dove dark chocolate. On the inside of the little red, foil wrapper there is a little inspirational saying. Last week, I kept coming up with the "Be Fearless" one. While on the surface, it is a wise suggestion as fear is generally what holds individual's back, but when you really think about it, though, it's really a stupid idea. Fear is a very real emotion that does serve a purpose of self preservation. It becomes inhibiting when it kicks in over things like spiders, elevators, the dark, etc... and a person becomes so paralyzed he or she can barely move, think, or save one's self should the situation arise. (Believe it or not, the idea is much clearer and eloquent in my head... and the words I am chusing are not expressing it as I would wish, but I shall press on, regardless...) To have "no fear" is to let go of a very real and necessary physiological response that has helped humanity throughout our evolution. The real answer, in my opinion, is to not have "No Fear" but to have great courage, which is to recognize and acknowledge that the fear is there and then move past it, to do what needs to be done. Maybe I'm full of shit but it's my revelation and I'm sticking to it...

So, I say to all of you live your lives with Great Courage! ;)

Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just give in to the Pity Party. Feel bad, cry it out, berate yourself, and then, reality kicks back in and you can say, "I'm an AWESOME person!" and really believe it, because, afterall, it's true.

I do think, though, that when an optimist hits the doldrums, we can get into a deeper depression than the most dedicated pessimist. The trick is, though that rather than dwelling there interminably, we dust ourselves off and smile and say, "What a beautiful day!" and move on from there. At least, that's what I do because, Magically, everything works out for the best in the end. So very Panglossian, and so very, very true. Ciao! :)

Okay, so I venture outside myself- finally- actually work up the nerve to ask out a very cute boy- which took me a month and a half from the time I decided to do it to the time I actually did- and, of course, it comes back to slap me in the face! My timing is so horrible, had I asked him when I originally realized that I should very much like to date him, he would have been still single, but as I procrastinated- AGAIN- he has since run into his ex-girlfriend and they're trying to work things out. ARGH! He's such a decent and honest and delicious guy OF COURSE he would have a girlfriend! (although I keep going to spell it "girlfiend". I think my subconcious is trying to say how I REALLY feel about the whole thing!) I kick myself for doing it, for saying to him that I really like him because now the truth is just out there, hanging in limbo, as always happens to me when I decide to take a chance on telling someone how I feel and once again, it really SUCKS! People always say, "What have you got to loose?" to which my answer is, "My self-respect". Have I lost my self respect- well, no- and I was- I AM rather proud of the fact that I did have the courage to do it but I don't feel any better for it. Immediately after I asked him, I asked myself "what the hell have I done?" I'm not going to lie, I so very badly wanted it to go in the other direction- for him to be single and be interested in me back, and had this ex- girlfriend not shown back up, I really think it would have.

I always say that I have no luck, but that is not true. I am a very fortunate person in a lot of ways, but where I have no luck is with the opposite sex and that stings. *sigh* I'll nurse back from this. I always do. I comfort myself with the fact that he really is a decent fellow and at least had the respect for me to be honest with me. That doesn't happen very often.

No, it has nothing to do with the boy... It has to do with the fact that on Thursday night, I FINALLY, actually got to go and see Depeche Mode in concert! I can't begin to describe to you what it was like and how much it meant to me other than to say that I have wanted to see them perform since I was 12 years old! And now I have and it was just so amazing! My uncle took me to see them, and he was joking when he called them a "rock band" which, after the concert, he later retracted because, my god, they certainly can!

Moving next week. Next to nothing done. Off to possible do more packing, or perhaps something else!

Me and my Depeche Mode shirt say "ciao!"

Swear to God, if Jeb Bush runs for president of this damn country and wins, I am moving to Canada!

The thought angers, terrifies, and sickens all at the same time. What a feat!