Lately, I've been on this mission- pay off old debts. When I was substitute teaching for four years, I was in financial dire straights. When I was still working for the bank and had a regular paycheck that could be relied upon, my credit was really good, I paid my bills on time (for the most part) and everything was honkey dorey. When I left the financial security for the obscurity of substitute teaching- a necessary evil if you actually plan on getting a teaching job here in WNY- well, all of that crumbled and every credit card that I had went down the creek. At this current space in time, I am in the process of repairing all of that mess. I have a teaching job that is, seemingly, secure and so I am now fixing what I screwed up. I will have 4 of them paid off by the end of June, another by the end of August and the last paid off, hopefully, in September. I don't know if I would have been so keen on fixing my debacle in such short order if it hadn't dawned on me that I would really like to own my own home. In order for me to do that, I have to fix my credit. I am, in fact, finally striving to be an Adult- face my fears and fix my messes! Hopefully, I'll be able to buy my own house within the next year and I am hoping to find that house in the city. It was a sad, sad moment when I realized that what I pay in gas for my car could actually pay a mortgage! Fingers crossed, e-strippers, that I will be able to keep my focus and not get side tracked by inanities! In the past, I have always been my own worse saboteur!

So, I know that in my November re-cap I mentioned that I recently taken a relationship from being "Just Friends" to being "Friends with Benefits." It's still going on. We've know each other since we were, I don't know- 12 maybe. We went to school and in Jr. High and High School had friends in common. In fact, one of best friends at the time had a wicked, wicked crush on him even though she was dating (and eventually married) one of his best friends. Back then, I thought that he was funny and was a total man whore and that was it. Neither of us had any interest in the other, whatsoever. We graduated high school. I went to college. He went into the Army. He came back home, bought his great uncle's house, had a kid with a married woman, & got a decent job. I spent that time just trying to get my shit together. (Honestly, I'm still working on that!) In short, we went our separate ways but the funny thing was that whenever we ran into each other, which was rare, he would always hit on me. I never thought anything of it. As I said, he was a man whore. Flirting came as naturally to him as breathing and I was one of the few females that he hadn't slept with and he didn't know anyone that I had slept with. Then 2 New Year's Eves ago, I was out with my brother, sister-in-law, and best friend and I ran into him. We exchanged numbers but neither of us ever used them. They just kind of took up space in the memories of our phones. This past October, I wished him a Happy Birthday on his Facebook page, something that I usually do. No big deal, really, but after that, he started texting me, thanking me for the birthday wish and then we began flirting. The texts were getting lustier and lustier and finally, after 3 weeks or so, I just asked him if he wanted to make out. I went over to his house and the rest is kind of current history.

Originally, I thought that we had nothing in common but the fact that we went to high school together and as far as I was concerned, well, why not hook up. It was no big deal. It was super fun and the man's got some skills! Actually, as it turns out, we do have things in common and he makes me laugh. The more we get together, the more I want him. And things are getting, well, more tender. We do actually care about each other. This Friday, I got the distinct feeling that he actually wanted me to stay. I confess, I'm truly beginning to actually like him and I don't know what to do about it. He really is a very good man but he's perfectly content to be a single guy. I am not content to be a single woman. I'm tired of it. So I ask you, what's a girl to do?

Has it been, how shall I put this, an interesting year for any other e-stripper? It began with the little boy of an acquaintance of mine being electrocuted by a 220 line on New Year's Eve and passing away on the 10th of January. Then, on January 17th, my best friend's mother, our very own Dimartiste, her mother had a massive, extremely unexpected heart attack and passed away on the 20th of January. She's doing remarkably well, all things considered, but she and her mother were so very, very close. And she's been so busy helping to deal with everything and take care of her very ill father that she's barely had any time to deal with her own grief. In my own world, I got into another car accident in my beloved new car after going to the hospital to say goodbye to Dimartiste's mother. It sucked. I wound up in the ditch directly across the street from my driveway after 3 attempts to make it up the hill because it was snowing like a son of a bitch that night! Fortunately, the car was fixed and I was not injured but it still sucked.

Did I mention that in December I got a cat? He's lovely. He's four. A retired breeding male that I re-named Rhys. I got this cat because I've missed having a pet, particularly a cat. He's at the door when I come home from work and sleeps with me at night. I love feeling his little body against mine on the other side of the covers. A shadow has crept in on this happy little scene, however. 5 weeks ago, my mother and I rushed him to the emergency vet because he was having a hard time breathing. Turns out, he has asthma. And now, as I sit here writing this, I'm riding out the 3rd asthma attack in 24 hours! I'm waiting, praying for asthma meds to kick in so that I don't have to rush him back to the emergency vet. (I took him on Thursday morning at 6 a.m.) Frankly, I cannot afford another emergency visit. And so I wait and I pray, fervently hoping that as soon as this post is done, he'll be breathing easier and I won't have to borrow money from my parents to take him in for a breathing treatment and some oxygen. It's funny, one of the reasons that I got him was to help me cope with the stress from my very stressful job and yet he just adds to the worry and vexations. I love him. Lord knows I do. I'll keep you posted...

There is some interesting if not good news as well but I'll save that for later! :)

Not really. Actually, today I feel triumphant because I started my day quite in the doldrums and managed to actually snap myself out of it! It's amazing what giving into the pity-party of depression and having a good cry can do for a person, followed by a firm decision to go and see the Muppet Movie, rather than go to Church, and then head on over to the Botanical Gardens and spend some time there! I also made a pit stop at Target to pick up the soundtrack to the Muppet Movie which I am currently rocking in my car because it continues to make me happy! :)

It's been an interesting month what with starting it by finding a trombone in the parking lot next to my old car on the first of November, then my brother winning the Lackawanna Mayoral election on the 8th of November, and then me getting into a car accident and totaling my car on the 10th of November. And, oh yeah, on that same day, I went to the chiropractor for the first time ever and he discovered that somewhere between 10 and 15 years ago that I had broken my lower back and never knew it, which then firmly took me out of continuing on my quest for roller derby. Let's not forget that I got promoted and got my own classroom which started on November 7th. Last Friday, I took a friendship out of "Just being friends" into "Friends with Benefits" (something I'd NEVER done before!) Also in November I gave my number to the cute Goat Cheese Guy (another first for me). On Tuesday, November 22nd, I got my new car, my dream car- a Beetle. Sure it's a 2003 and a convertible but it's a Beetle and it has less miles than my old car! Damn, It's been one HELL of a month! Wow. I didn't realize quite how intense this month has been for me until I actually wrote it all down. No wonder I was an emotional mess this weekend!

My least favorite question in the world- Why are you still single? Or it's cousin, How are you still single? I don't f@#$-ing know!!!! This question is almost always followed by, "You're so great (wonderful, awesome- pick your own adverb and insert)!" I know people mean well when they ask this question, but it really stings, particularly when it's coupled w/ rejection from a "special friend" no matter how good the excuse, and the knowledge that that guy that I was crazy in love with for so long is in town this weekend and I will be seeing him on Sunday. (Admittedly, there might also be some early PMS seeping into this equation) Anyway you look at it, it's not a good combination and I feel, well, rather low. :( I am not happy. I feel rather like Bridget Jones in the first movie, at the dinner party with the smug marrieds. I hate that feeling. I think I need to stop watching the "Say Yes to the Dress" marathon on TLC. It's not helping.

I have a blind date tonight. That's right, the night of previous entry's wedding, I have a blind date with a guy named Cheese. Apparently, his real name is Matt. He's a ginger. He's friend's with my friend's boyfriend. We shall see how this goes... I'm mildly optimistic! Keep your collective fingers crossed for me E-Peeps! :D

Tomorrow, the man that I loved for over ten years is getting married. He's marrying someone who got pregnant accidentally/ on purpose just to get him to stop dragging his feet. She got pregnant and he fell into line, buying the house she'd been wanting and getting her the ring that she'd been not-so-subtly hinting at. I have no doubt in my mind that had she not gotten pregnant, they still would not be engaged. And now, I have to get over my hatred of her and my love for him. I will always love him. My feelings for him are fully incorporated in my brain chemistry, alas. But, I have a great capacity to love and now, as I say goodbye I have no doubt that I will find someone else, a man who loves me as much as I am capable of loving him. The time to move on is now.

I genuinely hope that he and his wife and son will be happy. I send my love and my best to them all tomorrow. I think I've finally, FINALLY managed to let go and for that, I am grateful! :) Now it's my turn to find my love that time will lie down and be still for.

I loathe exercising. I enjoy taking walks and I like to do things outside. I used to play tennis. But I have to say that I really and truly despise "working out." I don't really see anything enjoyable in it except for when I stop. I do get a sense of accomplishment when I push myself and finish and then I think, "Awesome! I did that!" But, I get that same feeling when I finish crafting and much less sweat and effort is involved. The things I do for Roller Derby!

I can honestly say that the *ONLY* reason that I'm putting myself through all of this right now is because, yes, I am going out for Roller Derby. For the past 2 Sundays, I've been working my ass off at Roller Derby Boot Camp in the hopes that I will be a Queen City Roller Girl. Other than wanting to get in better shape so that I can skate in bouts of derby, there is nothing that could induce me to run/ walk, do push-ups, crunches, planks, leg lifts w/ my skates on, side crunches, plus practicing foot work and various skating stops. I must be mental! I'm hoping (fingers crossed!) that all of this work, and pain, and aggravation, will be worth it!

Don't know if this is going to get any easier, but, Christ, I hope it does!

I'm probably being maudlin. It has been known to happen. I just don't know what to do. I'm falling for someone, probably have already fallen, for an old friend. He and I have had this round about-ness in our relationship, well, forever. We honestly should have dated at least 4 times over the last decade or so, but it just never worked out. And then last year, all because of a library book, I ran into him again.

The thing about this library book is that I was going to return it, twice & instead of returning it, I kept renewing it, until I finally broke down & read it. On the day that it was due this final time, I ran into him at the library, which, in turn, renewed our friendship.

Now, he is rather a capricious man. I know this, have known this and had learned to accept this from him. Pretty much, I would check in, keep tabs on him, & he would surprise me from time to time. We began to get close, seriously close, to the point where I thought that we might actually start dating, but once again, things took a turn. He had been sick, feeling really, really shitty. They thought he had Mono. He pulled back. We had the whole, "I'm not ready to date right now," chat. I barely talked to him for months. I had not seen him since Christmas.

I promised him once that I would keep on texting him and calling the random phone call just so that he wouldn't forget that *someone* gave a shit about him. Finally, he called me back. He admitted that he had been avoiding me, that he was afraid to call me. And then he dropped the bomb. He's Sick, really ill, with something that could kill him.
He admitted that he was grateful for me and our friendship and that he loved me. Although, I felt suckerpunched, I can't begin to comprehend what he's been going through.

Now, afterall of this, because of THAT conversation, we've managed to, at this time, cut through the bullshit. Last night we went out on what was most definitely a Date, an actual date, not the non-date date that I was originally classifying it. It's insane. We're in a place where we admit how we feel about each other, we really, REALLY enjoy each other's company, & now, well, it's all fucked up. It's the best relationship that I don't think I can ever have. God's sense of humor, well, let's just say I find it Sorely lacking right now. :(