That is my new mantra for the year, and in case y'all think I've gone off the deepend and you say, "What an egotistical bitch!", it's not nearly as egotistical as it first appears. What it means is this- I need to concentrate on myself. I had this realization that I am the most important in my life, that no one can change what needs to be changed but me and that only I can make myself happy. That being said, there's quite a bit going on. The usual- work, school, friends, trying to keep my sanity together. Cortland is so stinking cute I can't stand it! On Thursday, I got out of class early so I popped over to see him and his parents (Notice how He now comes BEFORE his parents!) Anyway, I got to actually babysit him for half an hour while Trisha went to pick up Paul. He fell asleep in my arms so then I read to him for a bit and when he woke up he fussed, so I sang to him. And then when his mom and dad came home he woke up and was just so smiley and cute! But the best was when I was leaving and then he started to cry like "No, Auntie Andi, don't leave!" What can I say, we have a special bond, he and I.

Let's see, let's see, what else is going on? Oh yes, my fairy godfather, aka, my Uncle Stan who works for Sony Imageworks is buying the house next to my parents'. It's this gorgeous chalet/ long cabin looking house with amazing views! He and my Aunt bought it as a vacation home, as they live in L.A. (the actual sunny L.A., not sunny Lackawanna). Anyway, he asked me if I would live there as the caretaker, RENT FREE! And- they'll be paying the utilities! There are only two restrictions- no cats and I have to go back next door to my parents' when they come in. Needless to say, I think I could deal with those terms. I have to say, I cannot wait to knock around in this 2200 square foot house and cook for myself and enjoy the peace and quiet of not having anyone else living with me and no animals to yell at. AAHHH!! So, I'm supposed to be moving in sometime in June or July, after the remodeling is complete.

School is going very well, thus far. I like my online class quite a bit and I love, Love, LOVE my Holistic Curriculum class on Thursdays. It's so amazing! It's all about brain based learning and I just can't get enough! I keep talking about the brain, and how we learn, and what function is where- I'm waiting for my mother to tell me to shut the hell up! But it's just so interesting, as least to me.

And on Friday, as I was watching Stargate:Atlantis, I came to the realization that, yes, I am a nerd. And I'm okay with that.

I'll try not to go so long with out posting. I feel as though I have nothing to say and, well, I guess it turns out that I do.

Adieu.

I know it's a month away but I absolutely detest, despise, loathe, abhoar, HATE Valentine's Day. It's just looming over me, another year of a Hallmark Holiday- Alone. And then I fight this stupid depression and it really is stupid because there are some very good/ cool things coming down the pipe of my life. ARGH!!! I hate it- the holiday and the bad feelings it evokes in me. I just want to escape. More on that thought later.

I definitely feel out of the loop as of late. Things have been good and stressful and just what they tend to be for everyone this year. My grades came in last week, on Christmas Eve- 3.91 GPA. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. My lowest grade- a B+ - was from my stinking undergrad class! But still, I'm pleased. I had a lovely Christmas. I hope that everyone else did as well. And, I got to have dinner with the Boy. Wonders never cease, particularly in the season of miracles. Happy, safe New Year's, (E:peeps). Outie

It's been eons, I know. The semester is over. I believe I did fairly well, but I shall see soon- in the blink of an eye in all probability. Isn't it amazing and yet insane at how quickly this year has gone by? And so much has happened- too much. But that recap is for another time. My grandmother is coming to visit next year, late in the spring, with my Aunt and little cousin and the Aunt's annoying whatever-the-hell-he-is. I suppose he could be called boyfriend, for lack of a better term. It'll be so great to have my grandmother here. I miss her more than anyone. Happy thoughts to dwell upon. I'm very tired. Adieu.

Today, after church, I went to visit the newest little baby and his very tired Mama. He is absolutely beautiful! He has Trisha's nose, eyes, and ears, and Paul's mouth. Such a sweet, sweet baby. I already posted about how much he weighed- 9lbs, 3oz.- but he was nearly 22 inches long! He has these long, little feet and these adorable long, little legs! And he smells so good! Perfect little baby good. He is something special. Plus, I discovered that when he fusses, he likes to be hummed to and rocked at the same time. It doesn't have to be anything special, just hum and tune. It worked for me, at least.

I got to break in my new camera phone, too with a neat picture of a tree covered in snow and big Christmas ornaments, and, of course baby Cortland, Mom, and Dad. Just a few. I have also made him my wallpaper on my phone!

And Trisha, I must say, has a pretty kick-ass view from her room. It's very Dickensian, particularly with the snow.

It's so weird, though, to see my best friend with her new baby. She's a parent now and that is just so- heavy! A new era has most definitely begun- Baby Cortland's Era. I can't wait to see what his little Sagitarian personality brings us all. Damn, he is just so stinking cute!

So, for those of you interested, Trisha gave birth to a bouncing baby boy today! Cortland came into the world weighing a hefty 9 LBS! (gasp!) and 3 oz! He was delivered by C- section today, much to his mother's chagrin, but he's healthy and both and he and Mama are doing fine! I'm going to see them tomorrow so I'll give more details as they come in! I'm so freaking excited! I can't wait to see him! (And Trisha, of course!)

Okay, after two weeks of debate with myself I finally took the plunge, said "What the hell?", held my breath and dyed my hair brown! It's not like radically dark brown, but it's different enough. Don't know if I like it yet. We'll give it 'til Sunday. If I don't like it- or don't love it- I'm going back to blonde! That's all. If I don't post again before then, everyone, have a great THANKSGIVING! Damn those bastards for playing Christmas music early! Sorry. I'm still peeved with that. Outie!

I woke up to a distressing sound- Christmas songs being played on the radio. Normally, this time honoured tradition does not begin until the day AFTER Thanksgving- not the freaking week before! I know it snowed but WHAT THE HELL! It is wrong on so many levels! Why is poor old Thanksgiving passed over? It's a valid holiday! But every year, Christmas- and I love Christmas, it's my favourite holiday- but thanks to those evil, greedy, commercial bastards Christmas starts in the middle of September, gains momentum after Halloween, and hits it's full stride Before Thanksgiving. I am so annoyed! ARGH! I'm not ready for Christmas Cheer! I won't be ready until next Friday! ARGH!!

I woke up to a winter wonderland this morning. It was that perfect, blanketing heavy snow that covers all of the sins of landscaping. The branches on all of the trees look like they're draped in icing, the snow laying just so magnificently on them. And my dog found her reason for being this morning. To see the expression on her face when I took her outside this morning. She was just so happy and frolicked in the snow with so much enthusiasm she made me want to call in this morning and just play with her. But that was not to be. In Colden, surprisingly, the roads weren't that bad. And as I drove throught Westfield, the scene looked something Rockwellian- the trees, the hills, the houses, the creek, the bridges- it was all so serene and beautiful- and then I got to Orchard Park where it is apparently against their collective religion or something to plow the damn roads! It normally takes me 25 minutes to get to work. It took me a FREAKING HOUR! I eschewed the 219 in deference to my safety and wound up taking route 240 the whole way to work, driving 25 MPH. I managed to listen to an entire CD plus two songs. Oh well, I was half an hour late for work and I don't own a cellphone yet, so people were worried. But I made it, patience somehow intact. Craziness. Hello, Winter!

There are times when I distinctly feel like I'm going crazy. And it's not just school and work and boys and feelings that don't make sense and friends and babies and money and debt and lack of sleep and kittens and mammoth puppies and church and family- it's not one of those things- it's not even a few of those things- it's ALL of those things coupled with the thoughts that dominate my day. It's not even that unusual as I've always been this way, at least since puperty hit. Prior to that I was just a cute, quirky little girl with a pretty dominant personality who wasn't remotely shy- which I actually am now, believe it or not. Perhaps shy is not the correct word- insecure, most definitely- reserved, well, maybe not reserved although that is a perception people have until they get to know me and then I start doing cartwheels and skipping for no other reason than I feel like it. That doesn't seem particularly reserved to me. I guess really it's just insecurity, which I know I've stated before but it's true. I've been working on that. It's really hard to get past it. I'll be doing so well for so long and then BAM! I'm crying in the shower in the throws of an insecure pity-party the likes of which NO ONE will ever see me undergo. (Hence, the crying in the shower when I'm the only one at home.)

Am I better person for admitting these things? I don't know. But it's true. Here's something else, when I'm upset and caught off guard, my defence mechanism is to just go ice cold. I won't look at you, I won't talk to you, my eyes ice over (which I must admit they do beautifully), and just a very frosty reserve becomes a wall that I throw up between myself and the other person. It's my defence so that how hurt and upset I am can't really be seen. It's funny, Ice Queen was my persona in high school. Now, I see people that I went to school with and they can't believe that I'm the same person! It wasn't easy to let that go, to be me and be okay with being me. And I am. And that's important.