Every once in a while, I suffer from nightmares, but they're a different kind of nightmare. It's not your typical being chased by Freddie Kreuger through a burning building kind of nightmare. These are different. The first one I ever remember having involved my family in England. I missed them all so much that I woke up crying my eyes out. The second happened when I was living in NYC and it involved the Boy. In that one, I woke up crying, feeling my heart breaking. In both cases, it was something I wanted so very badly and I knew I couldn't have it. The third dream also involved the Boy, and ended up in me waking up in tears, but in that one he got married and I was devastated. Pretty obvious, I guess. This morning was different. This morning, I had a dream in which my mother dropped dead. This morning, I woke up sobbing- just horribly upset by the thought that my mother had died. Thankfully, she's fine- last I checked at least, which was 8 o'clock this morning, but that's such a fear of mine, that something might happen to my parents. And I can rationally pin-point what caused the dream last night. Yesterday, a guy my oldest brother graduated with came into the bank. A couple of months ago, his mother, a really- how shall I put this politely- large woman, did, in fact, have a heart attack and drop dead. That's sad enough but what's really sad is that his father has just given up since his mom died. He's lost the will to live. Both of his parents are only in their fifties. Ugh... the idea of something happening to my parents scares the hell out of me.

So what are we waiting for? This is a question I asked myself this morning after I heard a story the struck me. A distant relative through marriage (follow me?) came into the bank where I work to exchange money. No Big. I made a quip about thinning out his wallet. But that wasn't it. He told me about friends of his who lost their daughter. She was 22. Two years ago she had had a heart transplant and all of the sudden, she just dropped dead. They don't know why. Maybe it was rejection but that usually has symptoms- high fever, etc... and if you're lucky it can be stopped. 22 years old. Christ! That's so young. So what the hell are we waiting for? Love and life does not wait forever.

Ok, so I've been thinking about this for a while now. Wouldn't it be awesome if we lived our lives like we were in a musical and for no apparent reason just burst into song and interpretive dance just because we felt like it? It's probably because a lot of songs that I hear on the radio of late feel as though they really ARE the soundtrack for my life. Coldplay's "Fix You", Gavin DeGraw's "Follow Through", Avril Levigne's "Fall to Pieces", Train's "Get to Me", Michael Buble's "Home" and Maroone Five's "Secret"- totally express how I feel and I can't help but think if my life were a movie, they make up the soundtrack, although as music is such a huge part of my life, there would be many, many more songs. And there would be the songs that I make up, because I am in a musical afterall! That's all, fair e-peeps.

My mom found this on line. Thought y'all'd like to know- A brief guide to America's shelters, who is taking
> > credit for what, and
> > where
> > your donations go.
> >
> > By Wayne Cavanaugh
> >
> > Did you ever get mail from the "humane society"?
> > Donation solicitations,
> > Christmas cards, free address labels? Was it from
> > the Humane Society of the
> > United States (HSUS), the American Humane
> > Association (AHA), or the American
> > Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
> > (ASPCA)? Did you ever
> > wonder
> > who they are and what they do? What about during
> > disaster relief efforts,
> > did you ever wonder where to send your donations?
> > Don't know the answers to
> > these questions? You are not alone. Even among the
> > most dedicated dog lovers
> > there is huge misunderstanding and confusion when
> > it comes to our nation's
> > shelters and the SAS that is, the Shelter Alphabet
> > Soup, that comes with
> > them.
> >
> > In the late 1990's, a group called the California
> > Coalition of Animal
> > Advocates
> > convened to try to find answers to issues
> > dog-related population issues.
> > Their work included a study to find out who and
> > where the animal shelters
> > where in America. It sounded easy enough until they
> > discovered that a
> > national
> > list of shelters did not exist, and, contrary to
> > popular opinion, there wasn
> > t
> > a "humane society" or any other type of
> > organization that oversaw all of
> > America's shelters!
> >
> > So who, what, and where are the nation's shelters?
> > Who are these big fund-
> > raising groups, and how are they related to
> > shelters? Where do they get
> > their money, and who is running them? To start, the
> > coalition funded a study
> > to create shelter list of every shelter in America.
> > They knew it would
> > always
> > be changing and would never be complete, but they
> > also knew it would be a
> > lot
> > better than what existed, which was nothing. They
> > hired university graduate
> > students to do the only thing that would work the
> > students called every town
> >
> > municipality, city, village, township, hamlet and
> > county in America and
> > asked
> > if they had a shelter, what they called it and who
> > ran it. The answers were
> > interesting and the list was compiled. Today, there
> > is still no national
> > organization overseeing or coordinating America's
> > shelters. Here are some
> > facts that most people do not realize.
> >
> > The Humane Society of the Untied States (HSUS) does
> > not operate a single
> > animal
> > shelter in America or anywhere else. That's right,
> > not one. Makes you wonder
> > how many people send them money thinking they were
> > the local animal shelter.
> >
> > The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
> > to Animals (ASPCA)
> > does operate a shelter and an animal hospital - they
> > are both in New York
> > City.
> > That's it, a New York City shelter only. It is a
> > highly regarded shelter,
> > but
> > New York clearly isn't the nationwide shelter list
> > some people think of when
> > they think of the ASPCA. To be fair, the ASPCA does
> > humane work all over the
> > nation,
> > but as far as operating shelters, well, no.
> >
> > The American Humane Association (AHA) operates no
> > shelters, but does have
> > about
> > 300 shelters that are affiliated and agree to
> > maintain AHA standards of car=
> > e at their shelters.
> >
> > What about the SPCA? Is there a national
> > organization called the SPCA
> > (society for the prevention of cruelty to animals)?
> > Nope. Sorry. "SPCA" is
> > simply a term, or abbreviation, used for most any
> > animal shelter but it is
> > NOT a
> > nationwide organization. It's a generic for what we
> > say instead of "dog
> > pound",
> > "animal shelter", or "humane society".
> >
> > Now you can see the confusion! When national groups
> > use words like humane
> > society,
> > or letters such as SPCA in their name, people think
> > they are giving to their
> > local shelter. But they, of course, are not.
> >
> > So who runs the local shelter in your town? It could
> > be anyone from
> > volunteers,
> > to your local government, to a private party. Many
> > rural areas simply have a
> > person, with a few extra kennel runs, who the town
> > pays to house the strays.
> > In more populated areas where actual dedicated
> > buildings exists, the
> > shelters
> > are funded by any combination of tax dollars,
> > donations, adoptions fees and
> > dog
> > license fees. (It is interesting to note that the
> > shelters house dogs and
> > cats,
> > but since hardly anyone licenses cats, the dog
> > license fees pay the bills
> > for
> > both dogs and cats.)
> >
> > These shelters are named anything from the "SPCA of
> > Whatever County" to the
> > "Humane Society of Whatever Township", but are not
> > affiliated with either
> > national
> > group, the ASPCA or HSUS. Within a county or state,
> > the shelters may meet
> > for
> > educational purposes or to share information but
> > not as a member of a
> > national
> > fund raising group that operates and fund shelters.
> >
> > So what does the ASPCA, HSUS, and AHA do with all of
> > their money if it is
> > not going to your local shelter? Each has their own
> > agenda. They all
> > advertise,
> > use money to raise money, and draft and lobby for
> > legislation. Some may
> > agree
> > with none, all, or some of what they support. The
> > AHA has the contract to
> > oversee
> > and ensure the safety all animals used while
> > filming a movie. They have done
> > so
> > for years and have done an admirable job. However,
> > they are also opposed to
> > hunting.
> > So are the ASPCA and, obviously, HSUS. Do they help
> > protect animals? Yes,
> > they
> > do.
> > But does their agenda agree with your individual
> > ideas and philosophy? Hang
> > on,
> > you better check. Check a lot. Go to their websites.
> > Call them. Dig deeper
> > into
> > their agendas. See what legislation and advertising
> > campaigns they are
> > spending
> > donated
> > money on. HSUS for example, in addition to the
> > troubled PAWS legislation, is
> > also
> > spending donations on a new campaign to prevent
> > America's youth from hunting
> > before
> > they are 8 years old. (For those familiar with the
> > PAWS bill, this is
> > typical
> > HSUS set limits first then adjust them to
> > extinction!) These campaigns and
> > laws
> > are often being funded by well intended people who
> > think they are giving to
> > their local shelter!
> > But you now know that is not true.
> >
> > With Hurricane Katrina, watch the big PR money being
> > spent by some of these
> > groups, and other dog organizations, as they exploit
> > the hurricane victims
> > by trying to raise money that goes who knows where.
> > Is that money all going
> > to relief? Let's hope so. We have heard that good
> > money is starting to get
> > spent
> > in the hurricane ravaged areas. Or is some going to
> > fund anti-hunting and
> > anti-breeding legislation? It almost seems as though
> > where some see despair
> > and horror, others see a PR opportunity, so who
> > knows? The bottom line is
> > that there are thousands of shelters in America, all
> > of which are
> > individually
> > operated and funded locally. They always need
> > resources and support. Then,
> > there are large groups who raise money by using the
> > goodwill of words like
> > "humane" and "cruelty" in their national name. To
> > add another layer of
> > concern,
> > while your local independent shelter is not run by
> > HSUS, AHA, or the ASPCA
> > (unless
> > you are in New York City), you really have no idea
> > what the mission of your
> > local
> > shelter is. Your job is to ask. There are many,
> > many excellent and worthy
> > local
> > shelters that need your donations and will use them
> > directly to help dogs.
> > But
> > before you open your wallet, ask what will be done
> > with your money.
> >
> > Consider donating food and supplies which can't be
> > as easily used to pay
> > government lobbyists. Ask what they believe in.
> > Then ask yourself what you
> > believe in and
> > where you draw the line.
> >
> > We should and we must help those less fortunate. We
> > must not forget the
> > people
> > and the dogs who need help from the hurricane. We
> > must do so from our hearts
> >
> > though, and not to take credit or exploit the
> > situation. And we must make
> > sure
> > our efforts are in line with our private individual
> > beliefs.
> >
> > Copyright 2003-2005, United Kennel Club, Inc.
> >

All I can say is GO SABRES! May you keep up the awesomeness and kick Ottowa's ass tomorrow night! I certainly hope so!

That's all. Have a good night, everyone!

:)

So, how about those, Sabres, Huh! Hopefully, they can keep up the momentum and not stink up the show, like a certain football! Let's see, yesterday I got a gift from one of my favourite customers. She brought me back bracelets from Yemen. I had a hell of a time getting them on because I have borderline Man-hands (thank you, dad!), but I prevailed and they look really nice. They're staying on until I can't take it any more. Got to go. Have a peach of a day, especially considering that it's absolutely gorgeous outside!

Hockey Starts Today! Go SABRES!!!!

I drive myself crazy with the thoughts that run round in my head. They never stop. What doesn’t help is that I have a memory that remembers far too much and forgets far too little. And what it does forget are things that I probably ought to remember but can’t because there’s too much other crap stuffed in there! I think what compounds the problem is that I’m emotional. I was reading a research article that links thoughts to emotions- with every thought there is an emotion. I have a theory of my own about myself that is because I feel everything so keenly, it causes me to remember everything so keenly. I wonder if there is a way to convert this to teaching myself French? Or to remember all of those historical facts I was exposed to in my four years of undergrad? Of course, if they were Simpsons’ quotes, or movie lines, or song lyrics, I wouldn’t have any problem. Or if they were mixed in with slights- real or imagines- that I have received over the course of my lifetime (those from the opposite sex stand out particularly well.)?

I am a bleeding ball of insecurities wrapped up in a five foot two, blonde haired, blue- eyed package that disguises it all rather nicely under cheerfulness or disdain. I am haughty, jealous, bitchy, mean, nasty, cutting, vindictive, possessive. I am loving, loyal, kind, generous, talented, silly, romantic, honest, cheerful, caring. I am me and I have great dualities. I have this tendency to look at someone as “Mine!” and I get horribly jealous. I don’t know why. I’ve always been this way, but those that truly know and truly love me know that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them, that those I love, I love deeply. Of course, the flip side is, those that I hate, I hate deeply as well. Those that I hate the most were once ones I loved very deeply. I think there is only one on that particular list, however.
There go those dualities again.

Today, I am so moody, I can't stand myself. I hate when I get like this, but there isn't much I can do to snap out of it. And we're listening to Billie Holiday today, which was good when I used to mire myself in my misery. I don't like to do that anymore. I want to be my cheerful self. Damn my caprcious ways!

I never yearn to be a painter so much as when I drive home from school as the sun is setting. I can't describe the sheer, awesome beauty that I have seen over the past month as I have driven home. This evenings display was truly breathtaking. I wish I had a camera or sketch pad, but I really wished for the most was a some paint and canvases and a modicum of painting talent. The sky I saw tonight reminded of work that my friend, and former roommate in NYC, Heidi, is capable of doing. (e:Dimartiste) and (e:Trisha) know what I'm talking about. They've seen her work. And then I get frustrated that someone with that much talent is doing nothing with it. Probably as frustrated as (e:Dimartiste) gets with me over my writing. Anyway... Evenings like this, and there are a lot of them, I yearn to be a painter. I just wish you could all just look inside my head and see what I have seen. Then, perhaps, this post would make some sense.