I woke up to a winter wonderland this morning. It was that perfect, blanketing heavy snow that covers all of the sins of landscaping. The branches on all of the trees look like they're draped in icing, the snow laying just so magnificently on them. And my dog found her reason for being this morning. To see the expression on her face when I took her outside this morning. She was just so happy and frolicked in the snow with so much enthusiasm she made me want to call in this morning and just play with her. But that was not to be. In Colden, surprisingly, the roads weren't that bad. And as I drove throught Westfield, the scene looked something Rockwellian- the trees, the hills, the houses, the creek, the bridges- it was all so serene and beautiful- and then I got to Orchard Park where it is apparently against their collective religion or something to plow the damn roads! It normally takes me 25 minutes to get to work. It took me a FREAKING HOUR! I eschewed the 219 in deference to my safety and wound up taking route 240 the whole way to work, driving 25 MPH. I managed to listen to an entire CD plus two songs. Oh well, I was half an hour late for work and I don't own a cellphone yet, so people were worried. But I made it, patience somehow intact. Craziness. Hello, Winter!

There are times when I distinctly feel like I'm going crazy. And it's not just school and work and boys and feelings that don't make sense and friends and babies and money and debt and lack of sleep and kittens and mammoth puppies and church and family- it's not one of those things- it's not even a few of those things- it's ALL of those things coupled with the thoughts that dominate my day. It's not even that unusual as I've always been this way, at least since puperty hit. Prior to that I was just a cute, quirky little girl with a pretty dominant personality who wasn't remotely shy- which I actually am now, believe it or not. Perhaps shy is not the correct word- insecure, most definitely- reserved, well, maybe not reserved although that is a perception people have until they get to know me and then I start doing cartwheels and skipping for no other reason than I feel like it. That doesn't seem particularly reserved to me. I guess really it's just insecurity, which I know I've stated before but it's true. I've been working on that. It's really hard to get past it. I'll be doing so well for so long and then BAM! I'm crying in the shower in the throws of an insecure pity-party the likes of which NO ONE will ever see me undergo. (Hence, the crying in the shower when I'm the only one at home.)

Am I better person for admitting these things? I don't know. But it's true. Here's something else, when I'm upset and caught off guard, my defence mechanism is to just go ice cold. I won't look at you, I won't talk to you, my eyes ice over (which I must admit they do beautifully), and just a very frosty reserve becomes a wall that I throw up between myself and the other person. It's my defence so that how hurt and upset I am can't really be seen. It's funny, Ice Queen was my persona in high school. Now, I see people that I went to school with and they can't believe that I'm the same person! It wasn't easy to let that go, to be me and be okay with being me. And I am. And that's important.

I learned a very important lesson this weekend, one that at the age of 27, you would have thought I would have learned a long time ago- never, EVER leave your house without at least looking pretty damn cute (aka- make-up on and hair done!) because that is inevitably when you see precisely whom you do not wish to! Young ones, learn from my mistakes!

Today has been such a lovely day, a nice recovery from the previous evening, if I do say so myself. Today, I wrote letters, actual letters involving pen and paper and stamps and everything! When was the last time you actually wrote a real live letter to anyone? I urge everyone to do so. They're just lovely. I bought some cards last night at the Albright. One for my uncle/ godfather who recently turned 50. I didn't forget to send him card or call. Things- namely life- got in the way. I also sent one to my little cousins- Matthew and Ellie. Matthew is 9 and Ellie- my beautiful, beloved goddaughter- is going to be 7. They live in England and I like to let them know that they're much older cousin misses them very much. I also sent a Thank you card to their parents, which is severly overdue as I went to England back in May and I'm just getting to it now. What can I say, I suck at Thank you Cards. And I wrote to my grandmother who I definitely need to write to more. I miss her more than anyone. It makes me smile to think how pleased my Nana and Matt and Ellie will be when they get their letters.

Today, I also went shopping with my mother. It's such a lovely day! Getting cooler now the sun is setting and the moon is already in the sky. It smells amazing out here, like autumn and burning leaves and sun- warmed ground. It makes me sad to think that soon it will be cold all of the time and that smell will have to wait a whole 'nother year. All of the leaves are off the trees and that makes me sad. But some of the apples are still hanging on. They remind of "the Wizard of Oz" when the apple tree slaps Dorothy's hand when she picked one off. That thought makes me smile

And lastly, I cut my hair. It's very fifties-esque. I had this cut eons ago and I liked it so I figured, "What the hell! Why not? It's only hair!" I keep debating whether or not I should dye it. We shall see, we shall see... I hope your day was as lovely as mine.

Ciao!

Little boy, little boy,
Runaway and hide
from the "scary" person
chasing you
through the here and now.

Little boy, little boy
Runaway and hide
from the person who adores you
Although she confesses,
She knows not why.

Little boy, little boy
Runaway and hide
Just go and runaway,
it's what you do best.
Run, run from the light of day.

Every once in a while, I suffer from nightmares, but they're a different kind of nightmare. It's not your typical being chased by Freddie Kreuger through a burning building kind of nightmare. These are different. The first one I ever remember having involved my family in England. I missed them all so much that I woke up crying my eyes out. The second happened when I was living in NYC and it involved the Boy. In that one, I woke up crying, feeling my heart breaking. In both cases, it was something I wanted so very badly and I knew I couldn't have it. The third dream also involved the Boy, and ended up in me waking up in tears, but in that one he got married and I was devastated. Pretty obvious, I guess. This morning was different. This morning, I had a dream in which my mother dropped dead. This morning, I woke up sobbing- just horribly upset by the thought that my mother had died. Thankfully, she's fine- last I checked at least, which was 8 o'clock this morning, but that's such a fear of mine, that something might happen to my parents. And I can rationally pin-point what caused the dream last night. Yesterday, a guy my oldest brother graduated with came into the bank. A couple of months ago, his mother, a really- how shall I put this politely- large woman, did, in fact, have a heart attack and drop dead. That's sad enough but what's really sad is that his father has just given up since his mom died. He's lost the will to live. Both of his parents are only in their fifties. Ugh... the idea of something happening to my parents scares the hell out of me.

So what are we waiting for? This is a question I asked myself this morning after I heard a story the struck me. A distant relative through marriage (follow me?) came into the bank where I work to exchange money. No Big. I made a quip about thinning out his wallet. But that wasn't it. He told me about friends of his who lost their daughter. She was 22. Two years ago she had had a heart transplant and all of the sudden, she just dropped dead. They don't know why. Maybe it was rejection but that usually has symptoms- high fever, etc... and if you're lucky it can be stopped. 22 years old. Christ! That's so young. So what the hell are we waiting for? Love and life does not wait forever.

Ok, so I've been thinking about this for a while now. Wouldn't it be awesome if we lived our lives like we were in a musical and for no apparent reason just burst into song and interpretive dance just because we felt like it? It's probably because a lot of songs that I hear on the radio of late feel as though they really ARE the soundtrack for my life. Coldplay's "Fix You", Gavin DeGraw's "Follow Through", Avril Levigne's "Fall to Pieces", Train's "Get to Me", Michael Buble's "Home" and Maroone Five's "Secret"- totally express how I feel and I can't help but think if my life were a movie, they make up the soundtrack, although as music is such a huge part of my life, there would be many, many more songs. And there would be the songs that I make up, because I am in a musical afterall! That's all, fair e-peeps.

My mom found this on line. Thought y'all'd like to know- A brief guide to America's shelters, who is taking
> > credit for what, and
> > where
> > your donations go.
> >
> > By Wayne Cavanaugh
> >
> > Did you ever get mail from the "humane society"?
> > Donation solicitations,
> > Christmas cards, free address labels? Was it from
> > the Humane Society of the
> > United States (HSUS), the American Humane
> > Association (AHA), or the American
> > Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
> > (ASPCA)? Did you ever
> > wonder
> > who they are and what they do? What about during
> > disaster relief efforts,
> > did you ever wonder where to send your donations?
> > Don't know the answers to
> > these questions? You are not alone. Even among the
> > most dedicated dog lovers
> > there is huge misunderstanding and confusion when
> > it comes to our nation's
> > shelters and the SAS that is, the Shelter Alphabet
> > Soup, that comes with
> > them.
> >
> > In the late 1990's, a group called the California
> > Coalition of Animal
> > Advocates
> > convened to try to find answers to issues
> > dog-related population issues.
> > Their work included a study to find out who and
> > where the animal shelters
> > where in America. It sounded easy enough until they
> > discovered that a
> > national
> > list of shelters did not exist, and, contrary to
> > popular opinion, there wasn
> > t
> > a "humane society" or any other type of
> > organization that oversaw all of
> > America's shelters!
> >
> > So who, what, and where are the nation's shelters?
> > Who are these big fund-
> > raising groups, and how are they related to
> > shelters? Where do they get
> > their money, and who is running them? To start, the
> > coalition funded a study
> > to create shelter list of every shelter in America.
> > They knew it would
> > always
> > be changing and would never be complete, but they
> > also knew it would be a
> > lot
> > better than what existed, which was nothing. They
> > hired university graduate
> > students to do the only thing that would work the
> > students called every town
> >
> > municipality, city, village, township, hamlet and
> > county in America and
> > asked
> > if they had a shelter, what they called it and who
> > ran it. The answers were
> > interesting and the list was compiled. Today, there
> > is still no national
> > organization overseeing or coordinating America's
> > shelters. Here are some
> > facts that most people do not realize.
> >
> > The Humane Society of the Untied States (HSUS) does
> > not operate a single
> > animal
> > shelter in America or anywhere else. That's right,
> > not one. Makes you wonder
> > how many people send them money thinking they were
> > the local animal shelter.
> >
> > The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
> > to Animals (ASPCA)
> > does operate a shelter and an animal hospital - they
> > are both in New York
> > City.
> > That's it, a New York City shelter only. It is a
> > highly regarded shelter,
> > but
> > New York clearly isn't the nationwide shelter list
> > some people think of when
> > they think of the ASPCA. To be fair, the ASPCA does
> > humane work all over the
> > nation,
> > but as far as operating shelters, well, no.
> >
> > The American Humane Association (AHA) operates no
> > shelters, but does have
> > about
> > 300 shelters that are affiliated and agree to
> > maintain AHA standards of car=
> > e at their shelters.
> >
> > What about the SPCA? Is there a national
> > organization called the SPCA
> > (society for the prevention of cruelty to animals)?
> > Nope. Sorry. "SPCA" is
> > simply a term, or abbreviation, used for most any
> > animal shelter but it is
> > NOT a
> > nationwide organization. It's a generic for what we
> > say instead of "dog
> > pound",
> > "animal shelter", or "humane society".
> >
> > Now you can see the confusion! When national groups
> > use words like humane
> > society,
> > or letters such as SPCA in their name, people think
> > they are giving to their
> > local shelter. But they, of course, are not.
> >
> > So who runs the local shelter in your town? It could
> > be anyone from
> > volunteers,
> > to your local government, to a private party. Many
> > rural areas simply have a
> > person, with a few extra kennel runs, who the town
> > pays to house the strays.
> > In more populated areas where actual dedicated
> > buildings exists, the
> > shelters
> > are funded by any combination of tax dollars,
> > donations, adoptions fees and
> > dog
> > license fees. (It is interesting to note that the
> > shelters house dogs and
> > cats,
> > but since hardly anyone licenses cats, the dog
> > license fees pay the bills
> > for
> > both dogs and cats.)
> >
> > These shelters are named anything from the "SPCA of
> > Whatever County" to the
> > "Humane Society of Whatever Township", but are not
> > affiliated with either
> > national
> > group, the ASPCA or HSUS. Within a county or state,
> > the shelters may meet
> > for
> > educational purposes or to share information but
> > not as a member of a
> > national
> > fund raising group that operates and fund shelters.
> >
> > So what does the ASPCA, HSUS, and AHA do with all of
> > their money if it is
> > not going to your local shelter? Each has their own
> > agenda. They all
> > advertise,
> > use money to raise money, and draft and lobby for
> > legislation. Some may
> > agree
> > with none, all, or some of what they support. The
> > AHA has the contract to
> > oversee
> > and ensure the safety all animals used while
> > filming a movie. They have done
> > so
> > for years and have done an admirable job. However,
> > they are also opposed to
> > hunting.
> > So are the ASPCA and, obviously, HSUS. Do they help
> > protect animals? Yes,
> > they
> > do.
> > But does their agenda agree with your individual
> > ideas and philosophy? Hang
> > on,
> > you better check. Check a lot. Go to their websites.
> > Call them. Dig deeper
> > into
> > their agendas. See what legislation and advertising
> > campaigns they are
> > spending
> > donated
> > money on. HSUS for example, in addition to the
> > troubled PAWS legislation, is
> > also
> > spending donations on a new campaign to prevent
> > America's youth from hunting
> > before
> > they are 8 years old. (For those familiar with the
> > PAWS bill, this is
> > typical
> > HSUS set limits first then adjust them to
> > extinction!) These campaigns and
> > laws
> > are often being funded by well intended people who
> > think they are giving to
> > their local shelter!
> > But you now know that is not true.
> >
> > With Hurricane Katrina, watch the big PR money being
> > spent by some of these
> > groups, and other dog organizations, as they exploit
> > the hurricane victims
> > by trying to raise money that goes who knows where.
> > Is that money all going
> > to relief? Let's hope so. We have heard that good
> > money is starting to get
> > spent
> > in the hurricane ravaged areas. Or is some going to
> > fund anti-hunting and
> > anti-breeding legislation? It almost seems as though
> > where some see despair
> > and horror, others see a PR opportunity, so who
> > knows? The bottom line is
> > that there are thousands of shelters in America, all
> > of which are
> > individually
> > operated and funded locally. They always need
> > resources and support. Then,
> > there are large groups who raise money by using the
> > goodwill of words like
> > "humane" and "cruelty" in their national name. To
> > add another layer of
> > concern,
> > while your local independent shelter is not run by
> > HSUS, AHA, or the ASPCA
> > (unless
> > you are in New York City), you really have no idea
> > what the mission of your
> > local
> > shelter is. Your job is to ask. There are many,
> > many excellent and worthy
> > local
> > shelters that need your donations and will use them
> > directly to help dogs.
> > But
> > before you open your wallet, ask what will be done
> > with your money.
> >
> > Consider donating food and supplies which can't be
> > as easily used to pay
> > government lobbyists. Ask what they believe in.
> > Then ask yourself what you
> > believe in and
> > where you draw the line.
> >
> > We should and we must help those less fortunate. We
> > must not forget the
> > people
> > and the dogs who need help from the hurricane. We
> > must do so from our hearts
> >
> > though, and not to take credit or exploit the
> > situation. And we must make
> > sure
> > our efforts are in line with our private individual
> > beliefs.
> >
> > Copyright 2003-2005, United Kennel Club, Inc.
> >

All I can say is GO SABRES! May you keep up the awesomeness and kick Ottowa's ass tomorrow night! I certainly hope so!

That's all. Have a good night, everyone!

:)