Sometimes, it's amazing how a conversation with one's best friend tends to make one feel much, much better. I realized the last time that I was in a dangerously low place that I am the one the does it to me, no one else is to blame. It's me and the thoughts that once they get started, don't seem to be able to stop, and it snow balls and then I'm in a really ugly place. That didn't happen this time because I am learning. It's all about me. I am the cause of my own happiness and own sadness, well, maybe not *ALL* of my sadness, but a good chunk of it is in my control. Which is nice as a control freak who understands that control is just an illusion, at least with something like that, I know I can control it. Or at least ride it out. So for all of you who cared and wrote me lovely little encouraging notes, Thank You! ever so much! Today, I am a much better me! :)

Well, I have not slipped into listening to Portishead yet, which is good. I think the weather is reflecting my mood. And honestly, I'm probably just moody from being run down. I'm tired. I want to sleep and dare not yet as I will just get up in a couple of hours and then be up all night which is not good. I want to be crafty and do things but at the same time I just can't be bothered. I want to talk to my friends but then I will have to explain things, tell them things, which I won't do if I don't talk to them, and, again, I just can't be bothered.

Friends with benefits, that's what I need. Actually, it's sort of what I'm looking for and what I haven't found and that, quite honestly, is a part of my funk- along with tiredness and confusion and too much change far too fast and just life in general. I'm coming down with some sort of throat infection. I can feel it. My throat is always the first body part to get taken down by germs. Time for homeopathy, I think. I just can't be bothered. I think I kind of enjoy the scratchy irritation as it reminds me that I'm still alive and it makes me appreciate my voice which I only ever seem to appreciate when it's in jeopardy. When I can't sing, I'm a basket case. I think that's all for now. I need to get out of my head- stop thinking How does one really do that? I certainly don't know.

I think it's officially time to become a hermit, again. I do this, where cloister myself in my home and just dwell there, and if I didn't have to leave, to go to work and interact with people, then I wouldn't. I'm horribly confused and sort of torn up inside right now and it's not over who it ought to be over. So, I'm going to retreat, go inside myself and either face myself- my demons, or just cower in there- in my little interior dream world that no one but myself can pull me out of. I'm in a funk and I don't know how long it will last. I could snap out of it tomorrow, then again I might not.

Sometimes, being a genuinely kind, caring person really kind of sucks. Guys never want the good girls, not really. Of course, if any actually bothered to find out what the hell is underneath, they might be very surprised. What I project, which I don't even know what that is anymore, is not who I am, merely an aspect. I have to go. I have to try to at least snap out of this. I cannot stand feeling like this. The Price is Right worked, at least for a little while.

I think my theme song for today would be Ugly Kid Joe's "I Hate Everything About You". Not because I actually hate anyone in particular, but because that's the mood I'm in.

• I did just have my first actual, real smile of the day!* There's hope afterall!

Is it a bad thing when you come home and feel like you're on vacation? I can't figure it out. It's just so quiet and chill here, a far cry form the screaming little bitches that were my next door neighoburs in sunny L.A. I like the solitude. I just took a cat nap on my deck for no other reason than I could. It was warm. It was quiet. I was in a shaddy spot (very key for those of you that have met me and know that I would burst into a ball of flame were I to sit in the sun for more than ten minutes- AH, the joys of being Anglo-Saxon and Polish!) I do, I feel like I'm on vacation. Of course, I have a TON of thngs I need to be doing, none of which I am. I am posting because this is really the first chance that I have had. We moved in on Monday, but the computer stayed at my brother's house (aka- my old house). And I didn't really have the time to sit and write and work. That, and I have a new boss that actually like and so I'm trying to be actually productive. For works, a line from "Officespace" was going through me head, when Peter Gibbons was speaking to the Bobs- "It's not that I'm lazy. I just don't care!" And that was my problem in a nut shell. Honestly, I still really don't care, but I do care more than I did.

It's really nice here. I think I might go for a swim. Than again I really ought to unpack. Almost everything I own is still in boxes. Craziness. Ciao.

Okay, so after getting home from the phenominous E-peeps party at around quarter after three in the A.M., I woke up at around 7:30 and was out of bed by 8, which, frankly, sucks but as the moving odyssey continues, and will be over tomorrow, (Woo HOO!) I just have to put up with being constantly tired for a *wee* bit longer, than, I get a chance to return to "normalcy" prior to school beginning on the 29th. I feel like I'm just spinning and spinning and spinning, and being propelled forward but still spinning and I just want to stop and hang onto something solid, if only for a moment to catch my breath, but I suppose if I did that, I would start to dwell on everything and that, for me, is very, very bad. (On a side note, I really am the queen of long sentences. Nice to know that Somethings haven't changed!) It was so nice to meet LadyCroft and Jason and Josh! Good times, good times. Thanks to Paulnotpaul and Dimartiste, there was many a moment where I was laughing so hard I was crying. Dude, I am really frikken' tired. Off to hopefully finish book six of Harry Potter and then crawl into bed in my old room for the very last time. God, that's a depressing thought. Must look forward not back, must look forward not back. Okay. Night, all!

What does it matter anymore? kept running over and over and over again in my head. I just want to crawl into a cave and lie there until, I don't know, Jesus decends, or some other equally improbable event occurs. I can't wait to be finished with "the Move", which ought to be Monday, just so that some sort of normalcy will return, whatever that is, before I am plunged back into the depths of chaos with the beginning of full-time work and full-time graduate school, where I most likely *Will* disappear, at least from the strip. I will become a hermit, vegging out, and getting angry anytime anyone asks me to do a God- damned thing. I know this, as it tends to be my pattern. And much as I love my puppy, Ella, I'm really not a dog person. I am a cat person. I think that's about it. Oh, I might be there tomorrow. I might not, depending upon how much I get done, if I get a nap in, and what my attitude is by the time 11 o'clock rolls around. I'm going to read Harry Potter now. Maybe it will prevent the slide into depression. I certainly hope so.

Have you ever been so tired, so drained that you actually considered calling in sick just to get some much needed, much deserved, heavenly sleep? But, alas, I did not and now I'm trudging through my work day. Blast being short staffed!

For the past several days, I have been splitting my time between the old house in sunny LA and the new house in Colden, also known as "Ski Country" or "the snowiest place in WNY". It's amazing. Well, frankly, the house isn't so great. It's a white hillside ranch, modular house built in 1955, very different from the house we currently live in which was built in the 20's and definitely has, in my opinion, more character. And we have a lot of work to do. The people who lived there before us, didn't actually seem to do anything but paint and put up border paper. They were really big on border paper. What is so great is the land that the house sits on. It's just under two acres, totally surrounded by evergreen trees. In the front yard is an old Oak tree. In the back there are two maples and a crab apple and about five apple trees. I'm planning on being an apple pie baking machine this fall. We'll see, though. I do make some mean apple pies, from scratch, including the crust! But I digress... We also have a blueberry bush, blackberry bushes, elderberry bushes, and I suspect red currants and raspberry bushes. What's also awesome is the inground pool! Hallelujah for the pool! Especially in the weather we've been having. Off of the pool is a screened in gazebo. Towards the back of the property is the barn. It's not one of those dilapidated barns you see around, it's a really nice, really sturdy Amish built barn. I'd never been excited about a barn before now. I don't know what's happening to me.

It's so quiet out there, it's like a whole 'nother world. I can't wait for autumn just to see all of the leaves change colour. I am not, however looking forward to all of the snow, and the drive to work and school is not going to be quick and fun. But it's a trade off, I guess.

My new favourite activity, asides from swimming, is sitting on the back steps of the deck and watching all of the bumble bees gather pollen from the clover. It just makes me smile. And there are so many butterflies! It's just beautiful.

It's such a huge change but it's one that my parents have definitely needed for a long time. Right now, we're knee deep in paint and cleaning supplies and it seems overwhelming and yesterday I didn't get to finish what I wanted to accomplish, although I did assemble the patio furniture, but we have to keep focused on the fact that it is worth it. I think everytime we step outside, or watch a rainstorm from the sunroom, we are reminded that we absolutely made the right choice for us now.

I think the heat is making people crazy! Anyone else notice people being particularly whackey today?

So, I finally broke down and ordered Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I'm going to have to wait until next week to read it, so NO ONE SAY ANYTHING, should you read it before I do. Also, today, for those of you not in "the Know" is Sexy Underwear Day. Let your imaginations take that wherever your little heart desires. Adieu!