Yay! Today, I got to jump in our new pool, despite the rain! And it was awesome! Everything I thought it could be and more! Oh, and Happy Bastile Day everyone!

I'm tired right now and my job is making me nuts, but what else is new. Doesn't it just suck when you need to take off a day really, really bad and you can't! I can't take care of my school things that I need to, I can't take off to help my parents move, I can't take off because there is at least one person off in my bank branch until God knows when. I'm feeling the pressure, like I'm going to snap. If I didn't have a car payment and car insurance and student loans and credit card bills to pay, this week I would totally have told my boss to fuck off! Some days, what I would give to go back to being 6 years old again! I think that's about it for now. My best friend is away. I'm surviving without her. I can't wait 'til she comes home, but I hope very much that she's having a good time. Ciao.

Is there anything better than a compliment, except perhaps a compliment from a stranger? Last week, I had someone tell me that I look like Nicole Kidman. I don't, but thanks! ( I'm much too short and chubby.) And today, I had someone tell me I look like Drew Barrymore! (That one, especially when I was thinner, I would buy.) Sweet! As the rest of my day is pretty, "Eh", I'm clinging to these spontaneous moments of joy. And they are two of my favourite actresses that are still living. Sweet!

Tomorrow, my mother and I are going to be picking up the newest addition to the Szymanski family- our new puppy, Ella. She's about 8 weeks old and 20 pounds already! Isn't she just adorable!



She is our Bernese Mountain Dog. I cannot wait to see her little face! And pinch her little fat butt! (We're big on pinching chubby animal butts in my family. Don't ask!) I did not pick the name, surprisingly enough, my mother did, but as if *I* would ever object to the name Ella. So today, my mom and I went to buy last minute things like a Kong and a stuffed, squeeky cow and some treats.

I can't believe it! A puppy! We haven't had a dog in our family in like eight years. Nothing but cats in that entire time. I get the feeling we're in for a pretty big adjustment. So are our cats. YIKES! They've never seen a dog up close before, except for my little Jack, may he rest in peace, so this shall be interesting. I'm so excited! Ciao!

That cold feeling of dread crept up my spine this morning as my alarm clock went off and I heard the radio announcer say that there were attacks in London. Then, five minutes later, my brother called, wanting to know if the family was fine. The family is fine. Fortunately for my family, and for my sanity, my family lives, respectively, in Coventry in the Midlands and on the East coast in Lincolnshire. But for that moment, always that brief moment... I was the one who told my mother. I couldn't help but cry as I saw the footage as my brain kept thinking, "I was just there, not two months ago!" And I thought of one of my customer's whose twin daughters only just returned from studying in London and I knew she would be relieved. My heart and my prayers go out the victims and their families. One cannot help but wonder was this linked to the G8 summit, or to the Israeli summit that is taking place in London or a statement linked to the announcement of the Olympics. It's terrible no matter what, but why? Then again, can there ever be a reason good enough for something so horrific. I highly doubt it.

YAY! I'm no longer a black box! I am me, well, me from 2 and a half years ago me, back when I had red hair in NYC me, but still me! Yep. That's pretty much what I look like, just change the colour of the curls and there you have it! Thank you so vey much, oh dear best friend, Dina. I shall miss you whilst you are away, more than you will know. That's about it for now! Oh! I am so jubilant!

I'd never before realized just how much I look at the world in black and white. Sure, I know that there's grey area, I often argue FOR the grey area, but in my life, I really do see things as "This is this, and that is that. Period." This weekend, amidst my floundering emotions, I discovered some very important things. First of all, I learned that when it comes to the Boy, what I think I know and what I actually know, are two very different things. I make assumptions about him, a very stupid thing to do, and then I build upon that assumption, driving myself to, well, where I was yesterday and Saturday. It's very humbling to realize that *I* am the one who has driven me to the brink of despair, not him. It was all my assumptions. In my defense, How was I to know that he wasn't going to get in until late Saturday night, rather than Friday night, and that he was driving in rather than flying. He never told me, so I made assumptions. Stupid, stupid girl. And I learned some interesting things about him when I spoke to hm, things that completely shocked me. He is neither a Republican (again which I assumed) nor a Democrate. He doesn't like political parites, nor politicians. He is conservative when it comes to fiscal responsibility, but liberal in his social ideals. And he doesn't believe in forcing his ideals upon someone else. You live your life and he'll live his. These are things that I didn't know about him, and yet it says so very much. But mostly what it tells me is that I have to throw out the window every idea I ever had of him and just discover. I love him more than ever and it's because of what I'm just finding out. He doesn't deserve to be burned at the stake. SpringFaerie deserves to be flogged for her rampant stupidity and blindness. I shall have to just let go and let him be him instead of what I think I want him to be, because frankly, the person whom I'm discovering is a hell of a lot more interesting.

Okay, I'm not anywhere near as angry as I was earlier today, due to the fact that I sat down, had a bit of a cry, read a chapter in my new book ironically titled, "How to Meet Cute Boys". It's a novel and it's funny. I also ate dinner, tried to take a nap but it was too hot in my room, and finally, FINALLY began work on my resume. Actually, the resume is done as far as I am concerned, now it's just the cover letter and I have not the faintest clue on where to begin. I have the first sentence done. It's a start. So, productivity won out in the end. Probably a good thing, but that was after I had my cry, my least favourite thing in the world, but I did feel better, I suppose. I couldn't dwell on it because if I did, I was going to hurt something. It's moments like these when I think "Fuck it. Maybe casual sex is the way to go." And I'm not a casual sex person. At least then, I'd be gettin' some. But that is neither here nor there.

I want to say that I'll just freeze my heart up again, but I hate that person that I become. And I'm not happy. Of course, is anyone ever really happy for more than a moment? Maybe that is what we ought to live for, those moments of brief, intense joy and that is what the Boy does bring me, but is it worth all of this? Is it worth all of my agony for a few moments of joy, or, as in Thursday's case, a full 24 hours of bliss and joy.

Men, I just don't understand you at all. And you guys bitch about women. You're no great prize to figure out yourselves, you know.

Peace out.

I have never been so furious with someone that I didn't actually, actively hate, much less someone that I am actually very much in love with. Jason had a bitch-fest about his ex and her lack of courtesy, now it's my turn. Actually, no, not a bitch-fest. I'm saving that for the Brutal Honesty E-mail that he is going to get because if I see him, I'll cold-clock him and if I talk to him, I'll snap like I've seldom snapped before. People take one look at me and think, "Oh, she's so nice and sweet and innocent and together! Look at those beautiful blonde curls and those blue-grey eyes! She's adorable! Just the cutest thing!" and they never believe me when I tell them that they don't want to see me pissed off. Frankly, it's a sight to behold, so I've been told. Every muscle is tense, just waiting for a reason to flip over a table and physically pummel and then strangle to death with my bare hands. I don't go there often, but because of Him, I'm really on the verge of being there. My rage has hasn't cooled, but merely converted itself in to the more dangerous, vindictive form of Ice, cold, hard fury. I don't understand why I am always, ALWAYS last on his list. And the truly sad part is that I know I don't start out there whenever he comes home, but once he gets here, that is where I wind up and I am so damnedably tired of it. I ought to matter enough, just enough, to at least rate a phone call. Does this make any sense? I'm so angry, I'm past the point of swearing because cursing doesn't do justice to just how I am feeling. I am in a quandry. What to do? What to do? Sit and stew or do something productive. Productivity is probably the better answer. I'm so tired of being tied up in knots- knots of joy, knots of confusion, knots of sadness, knots of anger, knots of betrayal, knots of love, knots, knots, knots, knots... so many knots. My stomach and my heart cannot take anymore. I'm out.

I feel things very deeply. My emotions go from one extreme to the other. I love you and in a minute, if you hurt me badly enough, I will hate you, despise you, curse you. I used to try and be something I am not, and I was very good at it. I was cold, clinical, detached, an Ice Queen. I locked as many of my emotions away as I could to keep from crying, because I hate crying, but also to keep people at bay. And it worked. I was so good at being the Ice Queen that I sort of forgot how I really was, who I really was. When I ended high school, I decided that that was enough, that it was time to stop being that person and that is when I began taking my masks down.

I had this collection of masks that had hung in my room. One of them my grandmother accidentally broke, which was good. It was sort of the beginning, if my memory serves. One day, I was laying on my bed in my old room and looked at them and it occurred to me that that was exactly what I was doing, presenting different faces to the world, putting on the mask that I needed to get through any given situation, although that one that I used the most was most definitely the Ice Queen Facade. I hid behind her, was pretty comfortable behind her. Behind her, I couldn't get hurt. She kept people at away. Some were lucky enough to get in or knew me before I developed her. But as I hid behind her, I realized that She was not who I was, that I am an emotional person, who detests crying, but I cry now more than ever and it's okay, although I do ridicule myself for crying at things like the scene in "Poltergeist" when Carol Ann moves through her mother, Diane, played by Jo Beth Williams, and she starts to cry because she could smell her missing child on her clothes. And for when I cry during Disney movies like "Dumbo" and the first time I watched "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". Lame I know, but it's me. And that's okay.

Sometimes, I think that my emotions make me seem capricious, and I have often enough called myself capricious as I flip and flop from thing or person or idea or emotion to another. And maybe that does make me capricious but I feel how I feel so I don't think really think so. All I do know is that I'm happier when I feel even if it's remembering my heart wrenching screams over the death of my cat, whom I miss terribly. Would I ever want to forget him or my grandparents or the various people that I have known and loved and lost throughout my life, whether that be to death or a falling out or a growing out of? No. I am who I am- a very emotional woman who still tries to hide it behind a mask or two. Think you can handle it?

Well, it's now roughly 25 to 11 in the P.M. and I've still got that happy, dreamy smile! I can't help it and I don't want to help it, so I shan't help it! I shall keep smiling that happy, dreamy smile, for a little while longer at least! Cheers, everyone. Have a lovely night! I'm going to dream a little dream...