So my roommate and I still have not found an apt. Roommate being Steve and not Mike. We have an appointment tomorrow and three on Saturday to see apartments.

Today I got some really cool checks from Yale University! I feel so important.

The Buddhist organization I practice with is moving locations. The new place is huge and much more comfortable. It gives us a lot more room for growth. The other week I helped unload 250 chairs off a truck and carry them all to the upstairs of the new community center.

I'm going to gay pride in St. Petersburg FL at the end of June with my Mom. It is really something special to have a mother who will go with you to attend a gay pride parade. It is nice to go to a pride parade and actually be proud of who I am. I don't know what it must be like being even older than I am now and not even able to tell my mother or father that I was gay. It really must be awful not having your relationships validated by the ones you love ever. Sometimes I think a lot of people don't even understand why we march, it is almost like it is just another reason to party, just another pointless, arbitrary and empty party with a flag. Not everyone of course, there are those who truly are fighting for change and even those who really do have cause to celebrate.

My Great Aunt Rosalie died a week ago today. I'm going to her service in North Carolina, but I don't know when. She was very supportive of me and even sent me this beautiful letter about how my identity is not really about being gay. I'm actually going to see if I can find it....

I found the letter! I didn't see it the first time I looked and then I looked again and I am so happy that I have it. What an amazing woman she was. I can't help but share with you all.
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Dear David                                December 2000

Here you are off on a new journey in Buffalo!! What an exciting time and at a special time of the year. This has been a big year for you in many ways. I understand you are going to school and possibly already have a new job. What a way to be moving into year 2001. Keep me posted from time to time. Three is also another purpose in me writing this letter. Granny shared with me your opening to the family about being gay. I'm sure that this must have been difficult for you and very necessary. Things in life are not easy and if we live in deception it breaks all the ties to love, support and acceptance. In no way am I going to try to tell you how you should be living your life, but I think it is good for me and hopefully you that I share with what I think and believe in. Bear with me as I would rather be sitting in front of a fire having a cup of hot chocolate with you and exchanging thoughts as I would, even if this were not the subject. I would just like to see you , as it has been a long time.

I do not believe we are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or asexual only! We are just wonderful works of God's love. Sexuality is such a very small part of the whole person. IT is not who we are what our beliefs, values, joys, dreams, successes, failures or disappointments are. They may be affected in some ways, but the essence of who we are comes from deep within and too often in confusion we avoid that part of ourselves. That's why I think it is so important that we accept who we are and love out who we are intended to be, to be the best we can muster up from day to day.

A great deal of what I believe and who I am has become much clearer to me in my addiction and the daily journey of recovery. As long as I denied the truth about me I was unable to live a healthy or happy life. Addiction was only part of my truth, the other bigger part was and is based on how I dealt with reality. That was and is the biggest challenge. For a long time I was confused, struggled terribly, used chemicals to ease the pain only to fall deeper into more pain and confusion. A terrible whirlwind. Stopping, with help, looking at truth, and learning to live in a direction of purpose and direction was like looking out into a beautiful distance. I didn't know if the picture was a sunset or a sunrise. I just kept on the journey of living.

I have several gay friends who have shared with me the difficult struggle they had or are having and their journey into their own acceptance and reaching out for that from others. The ones that are happy and living very satisfying lives are the open and honest. They seem to have struggled with a truth, accepted truth and got on with living their life.

I think you are a wonderful young man! I've always had a special place in my heart for my very first Great Nephew. In you being so open with us all it just makes the place in my heart bigger and warmer for you. I applaud how you have handled your struggles and I only want a good life for you. It is the same that I want for the other people I love. I want you to have a good journey, filled with joys and happiness, purpose, direction and values, successes and the ability to live though mistakes and disappointments, loses and great gains. Among all this I want you to find someone special to develop a deep and meaningful commitment to enjoy your life with. I wan you to grow wise and strong though all your experiences. Use the wisdom and strength you have now to build on. Your foundation is there and believe me no one has a flawless foundation from our childhood. We're all just people finding our way. The chinks [sic] I found in my foundation, though my own choices. We are never through with the journey until it is finished here on this earth and never really know what we will face. The need of the day will be met when we do the very best with who we are and how we use the moments of the day. It's just a journey.

I never thought I would have the illness that I have and sometimes wonder why, but the answer for me has not been in a question, but how I live out the answer. I don't like what is happening to me physically right now and the uncertainty of it all. Yet, I am at peace at knowing and putting my nose to the grind and trying to live each day well. Sometimes I just have to keep going back to the question, "What will I do with this?"

So, my David, what does that have to do with being gay? To me nothing more than you are on a journey and all the "facts of life" apply to you too! It makes you no more or no less of a person. How you live determines who my nephew David is. I'll always love you and will be here to applaud and support you and be honest with you. Remember the warm spot in my hear is just bigger to experience the love and acceptance your family has for you and you will stay close. If some struggle with your realities, be patient and accepting of their limitations. Your acceptance of others as they learn and grown will be the biggest part of your own happiness.

I have learned to sit at the computer and say what I feel and want to say to others without stopping to analyze my feelings and I hope this is what you hear in my words. If I stumble around sometimes, just chalk it up to your great aunt's age in life. I my words take on a hint of preaching then you perceived it correctly, because I would preach to the ends of the earth if I thought anything I might say would be meaningful to you. I hope you fell asand know as a fact, I love you.

Happy Christmas and best whishes for all you need in the New Year of 2001. Take care David,


Aunt Rosalie
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So my Aunt Rosalie is on a new journey now. No doubt she is on the right path.

The apartment search continues. There is one we almost signed a lease and now it appears that we will not be taking it. You wouldn't believe how emotional this whole experience has been so far. I was convinced that we were taking this apartment but we were not willing to pay a month and a half of security. We had the money, but we didn't want so much tied up of it so that we couldn't use it. When there are things that you need to buy than you gotta say wait a minute. Do I want all of my savings tied into security or do I want to get some things that I need. If they are not willing to budge, than we are willing to move on. It is nice to have the upper hand in negotiations.

Anyways after much stress from last nights fiasco with the apartment, I a feel like ten years older. I didn't sleep that well and was up most of the night. Now I have to go and do a conference call. What a thrill. Anyways it is $25 for a half hour. Not bad for a whore?

Lately I write journals and then I just delete them. Not sure exactly why.

Anyways, I have been actively seeking a new apartment this week. I have been wanting to move for so long (years) and everything seems as right as it is going to be financially to do it now. I'm determined though to find something that is going to be a good place for me to be. Honestly, I just think I deserve to live with with more For so long I have worked so hard and lived with so little, but I feel like a fish that doesn't grow because it's bowl is too small.

So this is what I am looking for.

Requirements:

2+ bedrooms
Bathtub
Rabbit friendly
Sunlight
Safe
Laundry facilities




Ideal:

2nd floor
claw-foot bath tub
radiator heat
gas stove--this is almost a requirement
porch
space for meetings and social gatherings
Ready to move in condition
Fenced in back yard
Off street parking
Original wood work
Private owner


Price Max:

All utilities included $900
No utilities $700

General Parameters--not absolute:

Fordham to North
Linwood to Richmond

Rock the Boat





I really was so sad to hear that she died. I remember where I was when I heard. I was working at Sister's Hospital in the main lobby. It was on NPR. I remember it was about the same time as Paul Wellstone's crash too and 9/11.

Her lyrics are always so great. They sure beat "Just like a tatoo, I'll always have you". That is just absurd.

Last night I wrote a journal titled "Office Space", but I decided to make it a private post. I'll leave it to your imaginations.

I will say that my car has been deemed not worth it's cost in repairs, so I am going to drive it until it takes it's last breath. It could be a while. Isn't it kinda like when people die? You just never quite know how long someone can make it once they are sick. The doctor might say a month but than the person lives on for like five years or more. Not that I think my car will last that long, but I do think that it could be for at least a few months after having been given it's death sentence.

Well, once it does die that is it. I just will not have a car anymore. I'm sorry I can't be a good consumer and spur our dying economy and all that. Maybe if I am lucky I can purchase a new pair of sneakers this year. I hope it helps.

This is one of my favorite Spanish songs originally written by Consuelo Velázquez of Mexico. I just love it! This woman sang it to me and my friend Amanda in Cuba. Ever since then it has been our song. She thought Amanda and I were lovers! Now it is my cell phone ring.



Here is Amanda and I. Aka mi amor.



Here is Andrea Bocelli singing it.




If you would prefer to see the soft gay porn version.



Como si fuera esta la noche
la última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
que tengo miedo a perderte
perderte después

Quiero tenerte muy cerca
mirarme en tus ojos
verte junto a mí
Piensa que tal vez mañana
yo ya estaré lejos
muy lejos de aquí

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta la noche
la última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
que tengo miedo a perderte
perderte después

Bésame, bésame mucho...


(e:mike) got the rare opportunity of hearing me sing when I sang this to him on the way home from seeing Juno.

This is just such a great love song. It is so sweet.

Praise the heavens they want to close Enterprise Charter on Oak St~!


Here is the press release regarding the audit that sparked the state education department's recommendation to close the school.




Here is a Buffalo News article regarding poor test scores, fraud and the recommendations to close the school. Not that I am a fan of standardized testing. Standardized testing is failing. I present myself as proof.



Here are my 2004 observations about my experience in the school. These are pages of journal entries, not quite a literary masterpiece. My overall rating of the school would be--children for sale. Read them if you would like.

This one I think is kind of funny--


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Now that I have seen Enterprise first hand I can honestly say I do not think it is a good school. However their test scores turn out, this type of environment is a huge disservice to all that attend. This school is nothing more than a processing mill of unskilled workers. I'm saddened when I think of these kids and see most of them will have very low chances of success in America. It's not because I think that these kids aren't capable people. They are and they want to be, but their environment is one that fosters failure rather than enhancing their capabilities. If I went to this school I think that I would start to wonder if I was even human.
    I haven't felt something so cold and sterile since I worked in a cubicle in some big corporate office. Can you imagine what it must be like to come to school everyday that has an actual reception desk at the front door? You only get four weeks off in the summer, yet the school has no windows to see out of and no grass to play in either. The walls are all starch white with grey carpeting. There are no lockers so the kids just throw their coats in a big pile on the floor of their homerooms. This isn't just disgusting it's not very healthy either and allows for the easy spread of pests. All of them are made to wear uniforms that make them look like they are being cloned to work at Walmart. Could you possibly have pride for a school with a name like Enterprise anyway? It's just terrible what these kids are given in life. If anybody disagrees with me, than they would have to explain to me how they would like to go to school at a place like this. These kids are just uncared for. Nobody seems to respect them, they are just capital. I'm aware that I haven't seen the whole school, but I really do not have to see anymore to come to these conclusions. I'm just wondering if this actually is an improvement over their other schools. If it is than we are just going to have to admit that America really isn't the land of opportunity and freedom that it's made out to be.
    The actual classroom that I was in had nothing pleasing on the walls. The main focus was on the teachers poster of his favorite hockey player, which hardly has any relevance to anything. To the left of me was cheesy cardboard cut outs of all the presidents' heads probably from some textbook company. Behind me were a couple of pictures the kids drew. One said "You is ugly" and the other "Yo teeth is messed up." There were a couple of other small posters up again from one of those textbook companies. Oh and I almost forgot the "Let's Roll" sign cut out of construction paper above the chalkboard. Trust me, there wasn't any rolling at all."

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Here is the other one. The two journals together are based on 7 classroom visits.

    [box]My third session at Enterprise Charter was a better experience than the first two times I came. When I came in the classroom nobody had arrived yet, and the room was a disaster. I quickly found out this was because they had a sub at the later part of the day. It must really be hard to be a sub, because you almost never get to know the kids. I also remember how badly subs got treated when I went to school. Who knows maybe that's where I'll end up initially.
    When class began he went around and checked to see if they had done their homework. Many of the students didn't answer the last question. From what I understood it was a critical thinking question. He scolded them and told them that they had to do those and that they couldn't get them wrong. After the homework task he began to question them on last weeks class. The topic was WWI. The kids were answering the questions correctly, which I was surprised because they were dates. He asked them if technology was a good or bad thing during wartime. This was interesting because he told them that it could be up to your interpretation of history and that is what makes history fun.
    The class was lighthearted today. There was also more instruction than usual. The lecture was pretty good with lots of descriptions, many dealing with the horrors the soldiers went through during the war. He did fun things to get them to remember how to say names. This class was going pretty well, but than there were several interruptions outside of his control. All of these interruptions were a bit more than the class could handle and eventually they were lost. He regained control, but then ended early. One of the kids pointed out to him that he still hadn't bought new markers for the board. It has been a very long time now that he's been telling them that he would do this.
    The next class I learned was going to be a special ed class. That isn't what he called it though and unfortunately, I can't remember the name. This class has more than one teacher, but it only seems like only one of them does anything. The teacher that I was observing had to step out for a while and one of the others was yelling at them to get their homework out. Faggot and Lesbian were thrown around several times well the teacher was out. This class was fuller than the last and I counted about twenty-five. The way the desks are, I think makes it hard to keep control of a class. They all sit at big tables of about five. This really makes it ideal for them to talk and make it hard to figure out exactly where it is coming from. I think that traditional desks are better because if you want to you can move them to make groups, but with the tables they are always in-group transformation. These kids have trouble with reading he told me before hand, so they read to them. The class was largely the same as the last except they had different worksheets to work on. He also told me that they were far behind because he spent a lot of time on prepping them on things they didn't know that should have before the course. Now they had to go from WWI to the end of Vietnam in six weeks. When they were misbehaving he threatened to give them homework if they didn't finish. They did worksheet on reading. He praised them a lot at the end for a good job and gave them the last ten minutes to themselves.
    The next class I attended was a study hall. They were supposed to be doing work on the computers, but they were down. To get their attention he shut off the lights. This worked initially but people started talking over him. He yelled at them and told them to get work out. It's fairly quiet and most of them seem to be working. Before class began, I was just observing the students interactions. Was a little shocked at the amount of hated they were displaying, but then again it wasn't too much different from when I went to school. Actually the difference is it's a little bit more verbalized in this school. What startled me is the acute hatred towards homosexuals in this classroom. This hatred and the conversation itself (that I observed) seems to stem from the boy's church. Someone in his congregation was gay and living with another man. He just couldn't understand how this person could call himself a Christian because he was living in sin. He was complaining that this gay person was saying that he was born that way. It makes me sad that this boy was receiving this poison from his own church. This poison in their young minds causes irreversible damage that breeds fear and violence in the classroom and out. I wanted to say something but I didn't. This isn't my classroom and I'm here just to observe. When I do have a classroom, I'm going to work on removing the hate that fills our schools. What is interesting is that studies will show that the more education people hold the less homophobic people are. I have a friend that is still in high school. He is openly gay, but also very popular. The surprising thing is he attends a Catholic school. The difference between these schools is the amount of education their families have received. Although he is in a religious school where the belief is that homosexuality is an abomination, he is more welcomed here than he would be in many public schools where there is supposed to be separation of church and state.
    Next I observed the special ed class for the second time. He began the class 12 minutes after they were supposed to start. A graded assignment was returned to the students, and he announced that grades close on Wednesday. He asked the students review questions of what they had learned about WWI previously. A commotion was starting with a couple of students, but I couldn't hear what was going on. Then one of the students asks the teacher "Sir, Do you think I act gay?" Apparently the one boy said that the other acted gay. This opened the door to a discussion on the issue, which is kind of funny considering what I had observed quietly in the class before. He replied that he wasn't sure what acting gay is and that they would be surprised at the number of people who were gay that you wouldn't have any idea. Another student asks "Don't you go to hell when you die if you are gay?" He said that it depends on what you believe in, but there wasn't any difference between hating gays and hating blacks. The kids who are mostly black really didn't' comprehend this. They think of homosexuality as a choice versus their skin color, which is innate. He also shared with the class that one of his roommates is gay and said that he was glad to be able to talk to them about this.
    The class went back to topic for a while, but again morality was bought up. This time it was when the teacher bought up the death of Pat Tillman the football star that turned down millions to join the war on terror. He was telling them that he was a real hero compared to the ones that get arrested for rape, domestic violence and drugs. One kid called him (Pat Tillman) stupid for turning down the contract (this was before the teacher told them that he had died in combat. This made him really mad and he yelled at him and than told him that he had died in the war. I guess the point of me bringing these things up is that as a teacher you have a profound influence on what kids think on a variety of issues.
    The last class I observed was when the teacher was going over the student's grades with them individually. He was out last class for a family emergency. He wrote questions on the board for the students to answer while he was meeting with the students. It made me laugh when they started asking, "Is it going to be graded?", "Do we have to write in complete sentences?" and "Do we have to write out the questions?" The answer was yes to all three. One kid I noticed was bugging me because he only had his uniform shirt around his neck and his arms weren't in the sleeves, he looked like a punk. I think those uniforms are more trouble than they are worth. They are always getting yelled at for having them un-tucked or some other infraction. Yet this guy didn't' get yelled at even when he went up to the teachers desk. That really annoyed me, because I figure why yell at someone because they don't have theirs tucked in when he is just wearing his around his neck? Initially the class was going well before he sat down to meet with them individually. Then everyone was talking. I counted the amount of times he yelled at them for talking while doing the grades...it was at least 8 times. He made two kids split up and told them they weren't ever allowed to sit together again. Yet he only moved the one boy to the wall only a foot away form the other boy. This didn't solve anything because they were still close together. Again those desks are terrible because they can get away with a lot in them. He also threatened them by saying he would put another question on the board. One kid he made write 20 times that he will not talk in class. Towards the end he said, "I want it quiet for the next ten minutes and if its not you will get more homework. If you stay quiet you will get time to talk." They continued talking anyways and he only gave one student extra work and let them all talk for ten minutes at the end anyways.
    One girl went up for her grade and he gave her a high five. She was beaming with pride. I think those are the moments that make teaching worth all the aggravation. They are graded on a level of 1-4 at this school. He told the class that 13 people got a 2 or above this marking period compared to 0 last marking period. I wonder if this is because the students got better or if he got more lenient?
    I'm glad that I got to see a a Charter School first hand, although I spent a lot more time there than I would have at a traditional school because there periods are longer. The teacher I observed does pretty well when he teaches, but I feel that there wasn't enough instruction. This I thought led to many of the behavior problems because it gave the students time to act up. His job isn't easy and I often wonder how I would do in the same setting. One thing that he told me was he doesn't do much planning because he had done this all before. I thought that this was reflective in the amount of gaps there were in the instruction. I'm now more aware the amount of planning it takes to be effective. I also can see the importance of being very specific of what you want done and when. I think it's important to let the class know what is going to be accomplished that day. Filling the class with instruction and other activities I have learned will be the best classroom management strategy because it gives them little time to do otherwise.
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Here is the school's website. It is quite a crock of shit and I only clicked on one link and it didn't even open.

I feel like I'm about to vomit. I'm so afraid I could be getting the flu. It started on Thursday. I can't afford to have the flu. I really don't like the idea of having to call in tomorrow if I get worse. I'm not sneezing or anything so I hope I'm not contagious. I did disinfect the desk I worked at today so that I wouldn't get the person that sits there tomorrow sick. I really think it was just a matter of time before I got sick at the hospital. The air is pretty bad in the call center and I think it is the ideal condition for spreading stuff around. I always feel like it is really humid the air and it makes my throat hurt. After I leave I feel like my whole body is coated in something greasy.

Please don't be sick...I need to work! I have not called in yet, and I really want to keep it that way.

At least I can be relieved to know that I have health insurance. Anybody have a doctor recommendation? Someone that doesn't just write prescriptions, cares about my wellness and is thorough? If this doctor exists, is it too much to hope that they are accepting new patients?

Now I am going to eat some food even though I think it could push me over the edge. I'm kind of wanting to just get that over with if it is going to happen and I really haven't eaten yet today. I can't remember the last time puking.

Yay the holidays are over! I'm sitting at my desk with nothing to do on my lunch. Too cold to go outside, too boring to sit in cafeteria. Does anyone know if Roswell has a work out place or something for peoples lunch breaks? I really would like to do some cardio on lunch rather than be as (e:mrdeadlier) has coined a "fatty mcfatfat"! I'm sick of eating cakes and cookies and chocolates and more fat and more fat...i just wanna be lean and mean. Instead my ass is planted in this chair and the only time I get to move is in the gym which closes early because of the holidays when I need it the most. Stupid Holidays.

Thanks for the New Years Party (e:pmt). I would have liked to unwrap the gift that was on your couch that I saw in (e:metalpeter)'s pics. Great to see (e:ladycroft)! What a great surprise.

I'm looking forward to many changes in 2008!

BRRRR it is cold outside.

That's all.