Random rant
Today I was feeling really angry. Okay, I feel angry most days, but I always hold it in and don't express it (towards animate objects or in front of people). But today I was feeling especially angry. About a lot of things. My past relationship, the fact that I typically have to wait years before I can get into another relationship, the unfairness of being a short man in a world where tall dark and handsome counts for everything, stupid stuff at my job, programmers who make life difficult, the economy, being a moderate in a country where hardcore right/left wingers find moderates more offensive than folks in the opposing camp, the fact I've been a lazy idiot who hasn't yet done his laundry, the intense isolation I experience up here, the idiot on the road, etc.
For me, anger is like a single drop of imaginary rain falling from the sky followed by two drops a second later, followed by four and whatever exponentially comes after that. With each additional cycle, I turn further inward and the roar that each successive raindrop makes when it crashes into the pavement grows louder and the stings of those that hit my body grow increasingly more painful. The rain gets to the point that its so loud that I can't hear myself think and the pain gets so intense that I start to feel numb to it. And right before the point at which I turn into mindless automoton of id, I say to myself "what are you doing? I can't believe that you're saying and thinking those things."
And then I realize this: that there is no rain. There never was. I've imagined the whole thing.
In fact, I'm all alone in a perfectly quiet, peace hot, bone-dry desert curled up in a fetal position trying to protect myself from an intolerable chill I was never having. I am shocked that I ever could have imagined this sequence of events in the first place, though I take comfort in the fact that if I really either was clincally insane or a bad person, I never would have listened to that voice inside that questioned what I was thinking. And at that point a warm current of air blows by and I start to feel better. End metaphor.
I think today my warm currents of air were the ex phoning me to ask how my x-rays came out and the thought of how wonderful the first night of Hannukah will be tomorrow.
There probably was no point to me writing this post, other than just to get it off my chest. Just like there really is no rain.
For me, anger is like a single drop of imaginary rain falling from the sky followed by two drops a second later, followed by four and whatever exponentially comes after that. With each additional cycle, I turn further inward and the roar that each successive raindrop makes when it crashes into the pavement grows louder and the stings of those that hit my body grow increasingly more painful. The rain gets to the point that its so loud that I can't hear myself think and the pain gets so intense that I start to feel numb to it. And right before the point at which I turn into mindless automoton of id, I say to myself "what are you doing? I can't believe that you're saying and thinking those things."
And then I realize this: that there is no rain. There never was. I've imagined the whole thing.
In fact, I'm all alone in a perfectly quiet, peace hot, bone-dry desert curled up in a fetal position trying to protect myself from an intolerable chill I was never having. I am shocked that I ever could have imagined this sequence of events in the first place, though I take comfort in the fact that if I really either was clincally insane or a bad person, I never would have listened to that voice inside that questioned what I was thinking. And at that point a warm current of air blows by and I start to feel better. End metaphor.
I think today my warm currents of air were the ex phoning me to ask how my x-rays came out and the thought of how wonderful the first night of Hannukah will be tomorrow.
There probably was no point to me writing this post, other than just to get it off my chest. Just like there really is no rain.
Have a happy holiday!