I had an amazing thursday. I woke up to go to the botanical gardens with Jodie. She arrived with fresh made juice for me with all kinds of healthy things in it! it was so good! she's always great to be around. such a rush of energy...

I haven't actually been to the botanical gardens since i was a young child. the only thing i remember was throwing dirt into the fountains with my big brother... we were scolded by an employee.

we went through all of it, it was pretty cool. we even voted on the various series' they had going, on the art and designs. I really had a great time and i'd love to go back again. it was great to be around so much light and life.

we left, and i suggested we go to Pausa, the place i discovered only the day before (e:robert,57460) ... i'm glad i waited to go until i had company. I adored it. by this point, I was sure my photos were not saving (although clearly some did) so i decided not to take any. the inside was totally redone with beautiful wood surfaces, the decor was fantastic, the ambiance was perfect, and the sense of space was lovely. there was portuguese music playing, and wonderful art all over the wall. There was also a space in the back for music to happen. Pausa is classified as an art house - something I don't think i've really seen in Buffalo, before. I have to also add that we ordered food, and it was awesome. the coffee was good, and served in really cute cups with saucers, which sort of encouraged us to get up and walk around with our coffee (idk why, maybe because the saucer would catch our inevitable spills?)

we ordered Xenakis to start, then i had the cage (a sandwich) and jodie ordered the copland, a ham and cheese sandwich. here's their website.

I loved it. I can't wait to go back.

the rest of the day... i'm not really sure what I did? I think i just lounged around. moodiness happened. I got over it.

then friday happened.

last Wednesday I went to see Purity Ring. It was amazing. a coworker/friend Corina, (e:xandra), (e:yesthatcasey), (e:terry), (e:paul), and Rita all went as well. unfortunately, i left my phone at home and could take NO pics... i don't think any one else but paul posted photos? (e:paul,57461)

the opener, Blue Hawaii, started as kind of a snooze but then picked up pretty quickly. I ended up really liking them... a lot. it was kind of like grimes meets young magic, but with more structure, and better to dance to. here's their bandcamp. Her voice has an intensity live that is lacking a bit her recordings. I prefer the live better.

Purity Ring was even better in Buffalo than they were in NYC at the Hammerstein, back in january. In jan, it sounded more close to the album, but in Buffalo i could see that they had made an effort to mix things up. they performed at least one new song, or cover. i thought someone said it was a cover, but i couldn't recognize it.

the night ended strangely... we tried to go to tranceformation, but we got the date wrong, and ended up at broadway joes for a hardcore show with men punching air. it was surreal. then we went to cathode, where NO music was playing, and everyone lurched to stare at us when we walked in, and everyone just seemed generally annoyed... so we quickly left and went to Q which was also strange, but there was a juke box, so i guess we stayed because of that. the bar tender was a total douche.

Rita drove me home and i stayed up thinking for a couple hours.

there are so many different colors in my beard. black, blond, various browns... and best all, red. i might go chops.

a new place! on Wadsworth where sugar city used to be. excited to try it.

I was way exhausted monday morning. I had bassically zero privacy except for in the bathroom for 3 days straight. I needed to sleep and introvert. I skipped my first class and slept for maybe 12 hours. I went to my evening class and got my test grades back. i did pretty well for having not read a single page of those chapters until 2 hours before i took the test (i just went though and took notes at the library to study up) and i even got full credit on the bonus essay. \:D/ Yay!

I ended up going to cathode for big ass drink night with Rita. (e:xandra) and (e:yesthatcasey) ended up meeting us out. I got really confused by the dyngus day schedule and thought something else was going on and decided not to go, but i actually wish i had because i got it wrong. Next year, I guess. Maybe it was for the best.

I ended up seeing some people i knew there and met a few new people... there were A LOT of attractive men there that night... ( i never see any, and i knew almost none of the people there by face that night) I had a few chances to make conversation, but i just couldn't. I want to try, but i just don't have it in me, yet. I've never been good at meeting guys and i probably will never get better at it, and i don't even really want to, but the distraction would be nice... i know it's not a good idea, yet, though. I don't know why i'm even half-assed trying. I guess because one never knows what could happen... ugh. but i don't even want anything to happen. i want to retreat into a clam shell and hit any man that comes near with a stick and tell him to get off of my property!

I am focusing more on me and what i need to be getting done... i mean i was for the most part before, but i have a bit more time to myself now. April and Michael are working a lot so i get to be home alone more, which i've really been liking.

I ate 1 burnt cookie (i love burnt cookies) and a bowl of fruit with yogurt curry sauce on monday. way yum.





today, tuesday, I got up a little earlier to go to the registrar... they didn't believe that my middle name is wisdom so i had to show proof of i.d. to get them to print it on my diploma. seriously, people lie about their names on something they might put on their wall in an office one day?! why would i lie?

got some work done before spanish lit and wrote my ensayito. luckily i printed it before the laptop died because i lost the file just before emailing it. thankfully sister cristel accepted just the paper copy.... i read part of a story in class and presented my ensayito... she gave me really high compliments on my spanish... i was kind of embarrassed, but it made me happy. i don't really like to get recognition in front of other people. maybe because it others me from the rest of the group and i'd rather not stand out to much. but of course another part me me craves the validation, the recognition. i know i'm good at some linguistic things. I have the interest, so it comes quicker for me than for some.

after that, i recollected myself at home then went to my spanish group. I really do love ashker's... we were all really chatty and exuberant this time... we didn't even get to read from casa de los espiritus! we just kept talking and talking... the owner is super hot. he's a shorter beardy man with nice shoulders and a great ass.

time to brew a new batch of kombucha! i think i will try to start exercising a bit when no one's home. i think with a bit of effort, i could get rid of the extra pounds fairly quickly.

Sunday was spent thusly:

Walking around toronto trying to find one fucking place to grab a to go lunch to eat while on the bus... (i ended up getting a red bean crisp, a lotus+mung bean crisp from an asian bakery, then finally i settled on a vegetarian patty sub from subway... bc it was the only cheap place with food i could eat that was open.)

Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's for the whole bus ride.... believe it or not i'd never seen it... It was slightly appropriate for the time... i had a few moments with it... I think it's officially a new favorite. I had planned on watching short bus before but that didn't seem like such a great idea what with changes and all. I already know i get emotional during that movie, and at this point, i was not about to cry in front of strangers. no, sir. I sat in front of what i thought was a gay couple. They may have just been friends.... but every time i took off my headphones, their conversation just made me want to punch things... They were having "real talk" about really... not serious things. they discussed some song or scene for such an extended period of time, that i just wanted to scream. and it wasn't even good. all their observations were so trite and... idk. contrived. like quotes you read off of a dvd jacket or something. I wanted to ask them to shut up but then i would remember that i was watching a movie and put my headphones back on. at least one of them was cute. I realize it was judgy of me to write all of that but they just seemed so intent on seeming deep to each other and they both were feeding into it but it seemed so transparent. maybe it was deep to them. who knows.

I arrived in Buffalo and walked straight to work and worked a 6 hour shift, then walked partway home and caught the bus. my bag was so heavy, i couldn't carry it anymore. i had to sit, even if i was only going a few blocks.

The family was at my house this year... april and michael were there to host. While i was so exhasuted, it was nice to hear the sound of family, and the happy noises from the little ones. it made the house really feel like a home for once. Maybe we could do some more family events here before the lease is up.








I could barely get them to stand still long enough to not get a blurry pic

I'll just write this entry by narrating pics.

thursday before heading to tanyas I was ina bit of a mood... so I ate a tub of ice cream. It didn't make me feel better but i was a bit sugar high.


Then i realized Jenn was coming in from booklyn to stay at Tanya's for the night and so after having some bunny time, i got ready and headed over. The plan was that we'd drink 40's together but she got wine in stead. Surprisingly, this 40 was not terrible. I guess i could be homeless if this was what i had to look forwards to... haha (not haha, i should never say that again)


This was the bar in the hostel I stayed at. I actually really liked it. It kind of reminded of the pink and nietchez (sp?) combined... I met a really cool girl at the bar and we sat talking about all kinds of things for hours.... but the next day she turned out to be kind of annoying. She wouldn't leave me alone. I mean i liked her, i just wanted to be alone while i did homework.




View from my bed of the grocery store where i bought my lavish breakfast.


I got woken up by that girl i met so she could use my charger... somehow she got into my room to poke me awake. I was almost completely naked but at that point i didn't really give a fuck.... hope she wasn't freaked out by my body hair when i got up to get it. :P


It seriously took me two hours to eat all of this. it doesn't look like much but seeing the actual plate of fruits and veggies in front of you really put it in perspective. I didn't want to put it in the fridge because it was so gross... the kitchen was seriously sick. i found out on the last day as i was leaving that there was ANOTHER kitchen that was actually nice.




Tanya! we went to eat at this place on The Esplanade (not esplanade st, ave, rd.... But, THE Esplanade. seriously?) called the beer market (not properly spelled) but decided to go somewhere else instead called fran's. I had breakfast... it was kind of a commercial diner-y place but it was really tasty food and the the price point was reasonable. I liked it.


concert... I was sort of close, sort of far. right in the middle, i guess that means? haha... I liked it and had a great time, but i really felt the venue lacked that aspect of intimacy that sigur ros needs to feel truly great. You could feel it, the whole audience was a bit... muted. i took video, but the audio is probably shit. i didn't bother listening. They played a lot of my favorites, but they left out gobbledigook. (check it out here. nsfw due to naked people running through forests. I'd really like to be doing that at some point.) I didn't really get to sit with Tanya or Jens, but we reconvened after the show to walk back to the hostel. Tanya and I had beers at the bar, and Jens went back to his friend's place












These are just random pics i took around the hostel... it was so gritty and weird and kinda ghetto, but i ended up actually really liking it.

was pretty awesome. I had a great time and got a lot of school work done... wish i had some more time to walk around.

Tomorrow, i take the bus back to Buffalo and have to walk straight to work the second i arrive. Another year of missing easter with the family... (like the last ... 9? wow...)

more to come once i'm back.

yesterday was pretty uppy downy... i went to lunch with Tanya at Tokyo Shanghai. i mostly fretted the day away... Spanish group was good.

today i was approved for graduation. that was awesome news! then i got a not so fun message...

honestly, I'll get over it. i will. I'm not gonna bleed all over the place like last time. i don't want to. of course I'm fucking sad but it's a lot more... quiet, this time. if that makes sense.

maybe just friends will work. there's no way to know except by trying.

honestly... i will miss the sex. like, a lot. so much. way much. holy crap.

life goes on i guess. i just have to go through the feelings and deal.

I'd really like to not feel locked out... I have no idea at all. I feel crazy but i'm restraining myself so much. Yes, i'm cognizant of circumstances, life's obligations, etc etc... I think i'm mostly just having moments of selfishness.

For now, i just need to find ways to distract myself instead of thinking constantly... maybe i'll do something creative. Distraction doesn't really work for me... when i've got a feeling, there's really no escape for me. i either feel it honestly, or suffer the consequences later. I'd rather feel it honestly.

I'll write some poetry, i guess.
__

fuzzy light from my window
dims just a bit, and particles,
snow?
float by
is it really that cold today?
i shift in my blanket
...quiet noise
"fwish fwash fwash"

tests, notes, facts
meaningless required knowledge
drips from my fingers
oozes from my ears

a dull throb
takes its usual station
its post

my chest is host to the cosmos

soon it will compact
then it will explode

I will be a new whole
but composed of archaic
pieces,
ancient portions

I guess we all have our ways.

::DOWNLOAD SOUND::

writing about these things really does help me. I can proceed through the day without feeling that chest pressure...

off to ecc for an exit interview and then home to take a test and off to work...